I signed up to the Bee as I’m feeling terrible and I need to know whether or not I did the right thing. I have just wrote an email to my friend, telling her that she should come to our wedding as a guest, but not as MOH anymore.
I had been feeling a little stressed thinking about how things would work out with her in the wedding. She is not social anymore, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t dance and she wanted to come to the wedding alone. As we are having our wedding overseas and have a small guest list, I thought that there was a fairly good chance I would end up babysitting alot of the time. Around when I got engaged we talked alot. Now, 13 months later I rarely hear from this girl (maybe once every two months). I would recieve the occasional email, but they would be one or two sentences and not really say anything. On the flip side, I wrote to her nearly every month asking how things were and what she was up to- I even tried not to mention wedding stuff as she didn’t seem all that interested and I didn’t want to push things.
The bit that makes me feel tremendously bad is that she was actually diagnosed with a life-long illness around ten months ago. She never officially told me (I heard second hand) but I wrote to her letting her know whatever happened I would support her and I would be there. I completely understand that she would be having a horrible time dealing with things and my heart completely goes out to her, but it’s hard trying to involve somone in your wedding when she’s go so much else to deal with.
I wrote to her this week voicing what I’ve written above- that I understand what she’s going through, that I’m offering my support and that I’m concerned whether or not she’ll be able to come to the wedding. After reading alot of the symptoms online, I know that any added stress would only make her body more tierd and would enflame things. I asked her if she could come as an honoured guest then, but not as a MOH so she wouldn’t have to organise things and run around last minute. She could still get ready with all us girls, get her hair done and participate in the wedding- just she wouldn’t have do deal with organising any logistical things. I feel absolutely terrible about this as I feel like she will read it and think “so I’m not allowed to be your honour as I have a disease?” or feel like she has been punished for being diagnosed with something.
I’ve seen on FB (my fault- I shouldn’t have looked..) that all of her family has de-friended me and she hasn’t written back. I’ve known all her relatives for years and get along with them really well. I know for a fact I’m not a bridezilla and I think I have done the right thing as a friend in the long run, but I’m wondering if I did the right thing as a person (if you know what I mean.) I’m feeling pretty cruddy now and would love to hear what people think, both good and bad.
I think the best way to go is if you have to ask you already know the answer.
IMHO, (and you did ask),I honestly think that she is going through something really hard right now and you have just served her a big slap in the face. think how she would be feeling right now. You said yourself that you would be there for her, but from what you’ve written it doesnt seem like that at all. some people dont want to write about it or talk over the phone. did you ever go out of your way to see her?
I really feel like you wernt getting your own way and its easier for you to do this. not trying to offend you.
I don’t know that what you have done IS the right thing.
I think you know that though.
I think if you were to demote her, it should be something done/said in person so she would have a chance to discuss it with you face-to-face. Emails and phone calls can be so easily misinterpreted and, while you may have had the best of intentions, if she’s really feeling this crappy, I doubt she would go “That’s great! Wedding3134 is looking out for my best interests and I don’t have to be her MOH anymore!” Chances are she did take it the wrong way, because it’s so hard to take anything positively when the rest of your life is potentially starting to look crap.
Ouch. This conversation should have happened in person and started with you asking if she would like to step down and you insisting your feelings wouldn’t be hurt. Kicking her out by email must have really hurt. I guarantee that the relatives who unfriended you were forwarded that email. If you want to salvage the situation you should take her out to lunch or surprise her at work or something and grovel because dannng.
Well, you asked for opinions.. so here goes:
I read this as saying, a year out from your wedding, she wasn’t super interested. She has her own life going on, and it’s hard to drop everything for something that’s a year away. Time goes on, and she gets diagnosed with a terrible disease. Shortly after, you email her, point out that you know her medical business without her telling you, and then kicked her out of your wedding party. To me, that’s a friendship ending move. If she wanted to come alone, that was her decision. If she doesn’t like to dance or drink, that’s her decision. For you to base her being your MOH (the most important person standing next to you other than your fiance) on her willingness to dance and party and her desire to come alone is.. inappropriate, at the least.
So, yes, I think you did the wrong thing, and I also think you ended your friendship with this one.
FWIW – I’m super personal about medical issues, so if someone emailed me out of the blue and talked about a condition I had without my telling them, I’d be really upset about that, too.
abbie017 this exactly. And asking Dr google about how shes feeling and going to feel on your big day is just not the same as asking your friend.
To me it sounds like a avery one sided friendship. And if you want to fix it i honestly dont think you can.
I think you did the wrong thing. She not making the effort she should in keep in touch. But given all she going through with a illness that new I suspect your wedding was not as important as that, nor should it be.
I don’t know what her being social, dancing,introverted, and not a drinker has to do with your friendship. I doubt she be following you around or asking you to “babysit”. I have a few friends like that and a couple of family members who are super relegious , and I know what most likly going to happen is they mingle, enjoy dinner and when the dancing starts head home. I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to change their whole personality and behave in ways they normally wouldn’t just for a wedding.
She sounds like she has a tough year, and what you did wasn’t very nice. I hope it was a laspe of judgement on your part and that you apologize. It’s important as brides that we keep our weddings in perspective and we remember what is really important when it comes to the other relationships in our lives. I honestly don’t think this can saved, but if it’s worth it to you, you should try.
@wedding3134: My opinion is definitely going against the grain, but I agree with what you’ve said and done. This friend has stopped being a friend, for various reasons no doubt, is going through a huge rough patch and probably doesn’t want to deal with your wedding on top of everything else she is going through.
I do however agree that this conversation probably should’ve happened on the phone or in person so she could tell you how she feels and give her opinion – especially if you haven’t spoken in a while. Does she live long distance?
I also almost get the feeling that she was looking for a reason to react this way though? Not speaking to you, even when you offer your full support and don’t talk about weddings, seems to be really strange. But her whole family defriending you, now that is downright suss.
Maybe there is more to this story…
There are so many threads like this one, and very early into wedding planning I decided one thing about my bridesmaids from reading things such as this.
I was not going to give an ounce of responsibility to any of my bridesmaids or maid of honor. I want things done a specific way, and not everybody has the time, energy or want to devote to your wedding a year in advance and more. Moreso, I chose 5 girls that I want to stand by my side on my wedding day, and that I love because they’re my best friends.
I know that they appreciate the way I am handling this because they are busy, spread out with work and their own relationships, and generally don’t care. So in a way, I’m def not a huge fan of what you did. I don’t blame the girl or her family for being insulted.
Wow…well, if you really want to know if I think you did the right thing, no, I don’t think so. I think what you did was horrible. From the very beginning my red flags were up because you’re judging her on not being a big fan of drinking and dancing (umm so what? Lots of people aren’t, myself included, and I am still happy and excited to attend friends weddings and be their BMs), and acting like it’s weird she wants to come alone – well yeah, if she’s the MOH she’s going to be busy, I wouldn’t spend a bunch of money for someone to come overseas with me either when I knew I wouldn’t get to spend much time with them.
And then I got to the part about her illness, and while your initial reaction was that of a caring friend…you then turned around and kicked her out of your wedding party. In an e-mail. I’m sure you hurt her, and I don’t think it was the right thing to do. Your MOH should be your best friend – and with best friends and close relationships, often one person is going through a tough time and needs the other. You probably feel like right now is your time because of the wedding, but that is a happy event. She has been diagnosed with an illness she is dealing with, and might not be ready to talk about yet, and instead of waiting patiently and being there for her, you kicked her out of your wedding party, despite the fact that her illness has not caused her to balk or try to get out of any of her MOH duties. I think that was a serious lapse of judgement on your part, and if you don’t act soon it’s probably a friendship-ender as well.
Ann, if you want to salvage your friendship, pick up the phone. It’s unfortunate that this “conversation” was via e-mail, because it came across very harsh to your friend, even though that wasn’t your intention, hence why her family has de-friended you. Being demoted was probably like a slap on the face- if she needed to step down, she probably would have told you.
I don’t think it’s ever ok to demote a member of the wedding party, so I especially don’t think it’s ok that you demoted this girl when she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a safe bet that your friendship is over, you just killed it by demoting her.
Now not only is she going through some terrible things, but her supposed best friend just rejected her for those very things. You did the wrong thing in my opinion, if you were concerned about her health and added stress of being your MOH, you should have talked to her to see if she felt she would have a problem with it or not, you should never have assumed that she couldn’t handle her responsibilities.
I also think your feeling like you would “have to babysit” during your wedding is an overreaction, so what that she wanted to attend alone, it’s her choice to not drink or dance, that doesn’t mean she can’t be social in other ways, getting drunk and making a fool out of yourself on the dance floor doesn’t make you a social person. She probably didn’t want to bring a date because she knew she would be busy and away from the date for most of the time she was out there for your wedding.
I would be really really hurt if I were your friend.
I don’t know if you did the right or the wrong thing, but I do see where your reasoning came from and based on what you’ve told us, I think you had your friend’s best interests at heart. I probably would’ve felt the same as you, considering it sounds like she wasn’t interested in the first place, she hasn’t really reached out to you or shown interest in talking, and the feeling that you didn’t want to burden her. The problem is, as clearly most of the other posters in this thread have told you, is that while you may see a situation from one angle, others will see it from another. Communication over the internet is difficult! I would suggest calling up your friend and trying to talk to her about things.
Good luck with things, I hope they work out alright for you!