Post # 1
OK, for a while now me and FI haven’t been able to set a date because my sister is getting married the same year. She’s older than me and has been engaged for five years and we’re each others BMs. I was super excited for her and thought sharing a wedding year would be a great idea.
Anyway, our parents asked that we leave a few months between our weddings so that everyone has time to save, plan, and so that invites wouldn’t get mixed up. Fair enough, we thought – we want Spring. March, maybe April. The only issue is that my sister’s wedding totally depends on some surgery she’s having – and she’s not going to find out when – or even if – she’s having it until June this year. For that reason she’s now been talking about possibly pushing hers back.
She was on about June/July – now she’s talking about anywhere up to October. As you might have guessed, this wildly changes when we can get married while still leaving a decent gap, e.g. if we have April that only leaves two months if she has June. I’ve tried asking her if there’s any time she thinks is more likely, or even just a rough idea of when it might be (even just a range of two or three potential months) and she just keeps telling me she doesn’t know. Fair enough, but we can’t book our wedding unless we have some idea of when yours is, and we wanted to book two months ago!!
Anyway, today she finally snapped at me and said ‘just do what you want’. A part of me is so frustrated with the whole thing that I actually want to just go ahead and book April and just not care what she thinks. Another part of me is aware that ‘do what you want’ is probably a dare and there’ll be hell to pay if I actually go ahead and book my wedding at a time that affects hers in any way.
I don’t know what to do here.
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I don’t know how people can expect other people to delay their LIVES for them– especially when your sister’s been engaged for 5 years. She had her chance to set a date and she didn’t.
Honestly, there’s only so far you can go with being thoughtful. Plan an April wedding and it’s likely your sister’s surgery will get in the way of her having it early anyway.
She probably snapped at you b/c she’s stressed, and that’s fine, but waiting around like this would make anyone nutso. Go ahead and plan your life!
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
P.S. I didn’t vote b/c I have no idea what she intended. But I still think you should do what you want. Your wedding is every bit as important as hers. Maybe you should book yours and SHE can work around you!
(Sheesh, why am I so up-in-arms? lol)
Post # 4
Just because a sibling is older is not a reason in my book to leave you on hold as far as setting a date. If this is a cultural thing for you, where the older sister must get married first, that’s different. But even then, what if your older sister never got married? Does that mean you can never set a date?
I would set your date and your sister can then plan around that, keeping your parents’ request for a few months in between weddings, in mind.
Post # 5
Point of clarification: is this potential surgery of your sister’s a big deal? As in, is it possible she’s more focused on that than the planning of her wedding, let alone someone else’s?
If there are not serious health issues at play, and she’s just asking you to wait for no other reason than that she is older/has been engaged longer, then just plan your own life in whatever way seems best to you without worrying so much about her plans. No one gets dibs on a date, or a season, or a year.
Post # 6
brlabrat: It’s not medically required surgery, it’s cosmetic and she’s been putting off her wedding so that she looks best for her photos. She may have some bruising etc at my wedding but I don’t really mind as long as she’s not in pain.
Post # 7
HAHA ok then no. Do what you want. 🙂
Post # 8
I think you need to set your date and she can work around that. There’s no reason for you to sit around waiting for her to try and figure out what she’s doing when she obviously is in no hurry to make a decision. So I say, do what you want, and I have no doubt she was saying that out of annoyance, but I still say do it anyway. And be careful about trying too hard to coordinate with her in the future about your own wedding.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
ZebraPrintMe: From your OP, it sounds like she wasn’t genuinely telling you to go ahead and plan your date and she’ll be happy about it. But honestly, I think you’ve done everything you can to be considerate and you should just go ahead and plan your wedding. Be tactful when you announce your date but you don’t have to put your life on hold for her.
Post # 10
Your sister has repeatedly told you she doesn’t know when her surgery is or when she’ll have her wedding. You keep asking her about it and she’s probably very frustrated that you keep asking her and she can’t answer you. Couple that with her probably wanting to get married soon and having to continually push it off. I’m sure that’s why she copped an attitude with you.
You have been courteous enough to let her choose a date first. Since she’s unable to, just go ahead and book your wedding. Let your sister know the date and be done. It’s now up to your sister to uphold the “few months in between weddings” deal with your parents.
Post # 11
ZebraPrintMe: Just go ahead and set your date, it’s silly to wait for her. Once you have a date, she can then plan her wedding with enough of a gap in between the two.
Post # 12
If you are ready to book, go ahead and book. Obviously, she can’t make up her mind.. and at this point.. who even knows if they will be able to FIND somewhere to get married. My October wedding was on the books almost 2 years ago!
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
She’s probably stressed out with dealing with the issue that requires surgery while planning a wedding after a 5 year engagement. She’s had 5 years to pick a date and she still has reasons she’s not ready to pick a date yet. You don’t need to wait forever so I say pick the date that works for you and your FI and she’ll just have to get over it.
Yes, she will probably be upset about it but Jeez, does she really expect you to keep your marriage in limbo while waiting for ehr and her FI to figure things out? That’s not fair at all. Set your date and deal with the fallout. She could have easily booked her wedding at any point over the last 5 years and you shouldn’t have to wait and see if they stay engaged for another 5 years before getting married.
Post # 14
I think she was being pissy, but I still think you should just go ahead and plan your wedding. You can’t wait around forever for her to pick her date. If she had a date picked I’d say to give her date some space while planning, but you can’t plan around a moving tager. Pick your date and she can pick hers around yours.
My step-sister got engaged a few months after I did and I asked for a two week buffer (not my wedding weekend or the weekend before/after). Our parents asked for a month buffer. She set her date 6 weeks before mine and it worked out great! It was a busy and somewhat stressful couple months leading up to the weddings, and our parents needed a vacation after mine, but it was fine! Everyone was excited and had a ball at both weddings. We even shared some small things like candleholders for the centerpieces.
Post # 14
ZebraPrintMe: I say plan your wedding, and she can book hers a few months after your date, for a date that works for them.