I wanna start off by saying, I really don’t like “ranting” as I feel I am very fortunate in life, I appreciate very much all the great things life has blessed me with, I would hate to ever come off as unappreciative.
I’m just feeling a little sad and overwhelmed tonight.
My FI and myself went with our wedding coordinator to meet w a caterer this morning, it was an hour and a half drive, but I think it was worth it. The food he let us try was so yummy, he seemed really on the ball, his business has RAVE reviews, and everything from food to china to linens, to waitstaff are included in his services.
We’re planning to have about 100 people to the wedding.
The reason I’m overwhelmed, my FI are paying for this whole wedding on our own, and just going to this fabulous caterer this morning ignited my anxiety over, how the HECK are we gonna pay for all this?!? We both have decent, full time jobs in retail, I was recently promoted, and my FI is working on interviewing for a possible promotion as well!
We’re even planning to take out a loan for our wedding.
The caterer wants a 25% deposit to contract him, which, yes, I assume is customary.
We are trying to save money the best we can, however we don’t even have enough to pay the deposit for just the caterer yet!!
The other reason, more so than anything as to why I’m down tonight is because,I was diagnosed w PCOS a few months ago. I’m doing everything (that I know of) to help control my symptoms. One of the big things being losing weight (I’m down 40lbs since January)
I can go over six months without getting a period. I’m now on birth control to bring on my period, but it really bothers me to know that, without birth control, my body is unable to have a menstrual cycle.
My cousin, just had a daughter. I got to meet her today, just meeting her, and holding her and recognizing (once again, I love babies, and am always wanting to hold, feed, burp them) how much of a maternal instinct I naturally have, kills me. It terrifies me, that one day, (soonishly) when my FI and I want to have our own baby, it won’t happen. I’m actually making myself cry while writing this (I’m a mess, clearly) I guess I just needed to get this all out in writing, it actually kind of made me feel better.