Weddingbee boards

I probably should go anon for this but anyway, here goes.

I always initiate sex, he never does, and the rare times he does is only after I explain how upset I am about him not initiating. But then he just stops initiating again til the next time I have to bring it up. And often if I suggest we do he says he is too tired. He is slightly overweight but still it is really frustrating.

For Christmas he had a party at his house and he and I both wanted to have sex after, but he got drunk and was too tired. Then the next day he was too hungover to. Nice underwear doesn't help, when I put it on he kisses me for about five seconds then goes to watch tv or something. 

And countless times I have brought up the issue of oral sex. I do it to him for ages, he rarely does it to me, and when he does it is only for about a minute, then stops. 

It just makes me feel like I want him more than he wants me, it makes me feel undesirable to him. Help :'(

@multinational:  he gets all defensive and seems pissed off that i am talking about it, he comes up with a million excuses: long day, tired, not feeling well, just not in the mood, etc. but even when he feels normal he doesnt initiate.

sex is ok, feels good, half the time he gets tired and needs a break, so i just feel like a failure when that happens. i dont ever orgasm from sex.

he doesn't seem to have depression or anything like that, i have always had insecurity issues, we have had several problems in the relationship. i get upset nearly every day, he has a habit of breaking promises and saying shit like 'oh i didnt know it applied in this and this situation', then the other day when i was upset that he didnt want to spend the night with me, cos we dont live together we only get one whole night together a week, he pretty much said that cos i didnt go out with him and the others the night before (the usual night we spend together) that too bad, i miss out. i didnt go out cos i had been sick for three days and wanted to rest. Then when i was trying to get him to spend the night with me he said that he didnt like being shoved around being told what to do, when i pointed out that one of our mutual friends (my controlling best friend) does it more than i do. he said that he meant he didnt want me pushing him around.

it feels like he changes the rules just for me.

@stardreamer:  he has always been overweight so it's not a recent weight gain, we used to go for a walk together every sunday, it has always been me initiating though, even then. But I will try again and see if that helps :)

I don't know whether we should get counselling together, or if I should go alone, or if I should just leave it and hope it improves?

@multinational:  we have been together over three years now, before we got into a relationship we were friends with benefits sort of (everything but sex), then he initiated all the time, cos i was new at that stuff (before that i never did anything to a guy beyond making out, i was always on the receiving end) but in the past couple of years it has been me initiating. we first had sex after a year together.

we were each other's first time, so he hadn't had sex before me, wasn't abused by his ex girlfriend that i know of, and i doubt there's someone else.

i am going to make an appointment with a counsellor at uni for work/study balance issues, so i think I will try to talk to her about this stuff too. 

I just don't know what I can do to make him desire me, i just feel worthless right now.

thanks everyone for your advice :) i will try to get counselling for both of us, but he is not good at communicating, even with me alone. i express my feelings all the time, and when i say what upsets me he just looks at me and doesn't say anything...

i tried talking to him about what else might be bothering him, he didnt say anything, shrugged and when i asked him to talk to me he said 'i dont know what to talk about' after i had spent 20 minutes trying to talk to him about issues, etc. he said 'you're the one with all the issues with me, i dont have any problems with you, you're the one who stayed with me all this time. this is who i am. i feel like you expect me to rescue you all the time' i expect him to want to work on our relationship, and when the issues are to do with him, yes i expect him to talk about them and work on them.

he said he wasn't in the mood to talk, he never is. i suggested maybe counselling would help, well first he said that he doesnt care. it's always 'i don't know' or 'i don't care'. then when i insisted he answer me properly he said he doesnt want to go to counselling. then i tried to talk to him, he said 'if you didnt have so many issues i wouldnt have any to shove aside' well yeah but if they were fixed they wouldnt be issues anymore. then he went into his room and slammed the door.

i am tired of trying to talk to him, i went in to say goodbye but he was asleep, so i grabbed my bag and left. i dont know what to do now, i am kinda regretting the engagement in a way. when i was talking about counselling he was saying all this stuff about that we're not married so dont need it, etc etc. i explained that issues need to be resolved before we get married, not just push them aside til after. i don't know what to do :'(

i have always been so insecure, i worry all the time that he might go out and meet someone else, i know he would never do that to me but doesn't stop me worrying

sorry for the huge vents, i just need to get it out, cos talking to him hasnt done anything, and i cant exactly talk to my parents about all the intimacy stuff

but i show him how much i desire him, i tell him all the time.

and he knows he doesn't initiate it, so yeah.

yeah he is my fiance, of just over two weeks :P

i want to help him, i just don't know how, i think maybe i should just not text him or call him or anything til he contacts me, wait til he is ready to talk. i just feel kinda bad for leaving without saying goodbye, but i just couldn't sit there waiting forever

@Jacqui90: I've been in an extremely similar situation. My SO has always been a little overweight, but he's gained about 15 lbs since he's met me. When we first started dating everything was fine, but then it started to be only me initiating and it just kind of stuck. I keep bringing it up over and over and it changes for a while and then goes right back. I've finally just given up. I don't want to pressure me or him and no matter how much it sucks I've just let it go. He initiated last night and it was great, so I'm hoping that this will continue to help. We'll see I guess.

maybe i should just stop bringing up issues and trying to work on our relationship, since he obviously isnt willing to. every time i say communication is important he says 'i know' but never communicates.

i certainly express things that bother me more often now than i used to, because a couple things happened that caused him to say that i should tell him straight away if something upset me.

he and my best friend briefly liked each other before he and i were going out, now they didnt do anything or go out at all, despite my encouragement (i love seeing happy couples). after he and i started going out, they slept in the same bed when he stayed over at her house. they couldnt be bothered getting the stretcher. they didnt do anything, but it still hurt. And also I have always thought a guy giving a girl one of his shirts as a boyfriend thing to do, not something a guy gives one of his female friends, especially when that guy is not single. well he gave her one of his shirts that he never wore. up until about a year to two years ago i didn't express how much these things upset me, i finally mentioned it. he didnt understand why it upset me, and said i should have told him at the time.

so now i tell him when things upset me, but that still doesnt seem to help him try to fix things. except that sometimes he says he will work on them, and doesnt.

Just bought a few books I hope will help: The New Rules of Marriage, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Five Love Languages, and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

Anybody read any of these? Have they helped? I picked the last one to help me improve mainly, since I guess I try to talk too much and try to solve things by talking about them. But I hope he is willing to look at them together, since he won't go to counselling

@adnama:  thanks, i will do that :)

@mckernae:  yeah often i feel like he doesn't. this morning i was telling him about the books and everything, and how the last one i wanted to get to improve my reactions and stuff, and how i wanted him to look at them with me, and he explained that he doesnt feel he has a say in our fights cos of me getting upset when he leaves the room. he didnt really say anything about the books except 'unless there is some sort of answer in those books'. and saying other stuff like he doesnt want me to be unhappy in this life if it's him causing it. Then I explained how I was tired being the only one fighting for our relationship and trying to work out the issues. His response: "Ok well im sorry for giving you this miserable life, i do wish to keep going but i want you to have a happier life." Great, but I want a happier life WITH him. I think you're right, it doesn't seem like he's that keen on improving things, or changing. He is very good at making promises and saying that he will do things to improve, not so good at following through

he came over tonight and helped with dinner, he has agreed to look at the books with me, and go to counselling if need be. he says he really does want to improve, and seems to mean it, but all the other times he has seemed to also. but did the quiz on the five love languages website, turns out we both have the physical touch language as our main one and words of affirmation second. so maybe just more time cuddling, without tv or any other distractions may help us. i hope things get better from here on out cos we can't keep repeating this over and over

oh wow, that really opened up my eyes, thank you. the only part i disagree with in this case is the unable to form an emotional connection with someone, where he has formed a permanent emotional connection with me. i am wondering whether i should show him this article? what can I do to help him?

fairly happy, his dad is like him - fairly quiet, withdraws, etc; his mum is very involved and up until last year  would clean his room for him, etc. my FI is kinda a mamma's boy, not so much as he used to be though

he is very good with holding my hand, holding me in his arms, etc - just the sex side of it he withholds

not with all the broken promises, but i love him so much, i know he is the right one for me, i just want our relationship to be better

i feel that he is the right one, but i can't keep dealing with broken promises, hoping he will change if he doesn't

i just don't know what to do :(

He just gives me so much, he has been there for me through everything, has supporte d me with my recent breakdowns. He understands that I don't want him hanging out with girls alone, besides me, and really cares for me, although he doesn't always show it. I just don't think there would be anyone else out there who would do all those things, I want to help him and make our relationship better, but I want him to improve too

After having my kids I have had lower sex drive then before.  He complains that I don't initiate enough and he is right but a lot of the time I am quite tired and run down.  I spoke to my doctor and she said being active has a big part to play in how much energy you have, its a great stress reliever.  Is he an active person? how are his eating habits? maybe a life style change may help him feel more energized.  I know it helps me.

Don't worry its not you its him.  I love FI am very attracted to him we have great chemistry but sometimes my drive is a bit low.

@Jacqui90:  i know exactly how you feel.  as i started reading your post, i knew what you were going to say before even reading it.  i was in a relationship just like yours.  i was always the one who initiated sex but was always turned down because he was too tired, too hot, etc, etc.  even oral never happened.  he was the only guy i knew who turned down a bj.  he never liked to snuggle or be affectionate at all.  on the odd occasion that he would 'give in', the sex was not good.  i could tell he really wasn't into it.  i tried to talk to him on multiple occasions over the years, suggested counseling (alone, together), more exercise, healthier eating, everything.   i can honestly say that i really tried.  i told him that this will tear us apart one day.  he refused to believe that he was the problem and that i was just making up issues.  he said that he just wasn't as horny as i was all of the time.  this is why deep down, i knew i was never going to marry him.  i could only take so much rejection.  i gave up trying.  i really resented him.  i cared for him but without any passion or intimacy, i became emotionally detached.  after 8 yrs together, i broke it off.  i had to.  i knew that i needed and deserved so much more than he was offering me.  he begged for me to give him another chance and that he would change.  he didn't understand why??  i explained it this way to him...all relationships have their compromises but this relationship will never reach a compromise.  on a libido scale, i am a 9-10, he was a 1-2.  a reasonable compromise would be me coming down to a 7 and him coming up to a 4.  there was still too much of a gap that neither of us would be able to fill.  i told him that we both needed to be with other people that we were more compatible with. he agreed and we parted ways.  shortly thereafter, i found my FI.  he fulfilled me in every way possible.  i have never been happier.  had i never taken that step, i would still be miserable today.

i hope that you really think about what you want, need and deserve in a relationship.  i would strongly suggest that you put your wedding on hold until the both of you are on the same page.  you may think that he is wonderful to you everywhere else in the relationship and that will make up for it...i thought so too, it doesn't.  over time you will begin to feel as i did. everyone deserves to be happy.

love languages is a great book and i would recommend it to every couple.