Just found out best friend cheated on her FI – no idea what to do!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do??
    Tell her to do what she wants and don't say anything to FI - Stay out of it! : (27 votes)
    15 %
    Tell her she needs to stop, however don't say anything to FI : (76 votes)
    42 %
    Tell her to stop, but tell FI the situation and get advice : (48 votes)
    26 %
    Tell FI the situation and let him decide how to handle his friend : (31 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5932 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @UKbee:  Been there, done that. 

    I tell Mr. 99 everything,  he’s very discreet, and if anyone of my friends has a problem with that, we’re not friends anymore.   We have a few friends and aquantances that are hard core philanderers…its just who they are.  They keep playing the monogamy game, but they’re really bad at it, they cheat, they call me, we go to lunch and talk about it.  Reset, repeat…do it all over again.  Some people just don’t have it in them to stay faithful in a relationship, that’s not a bad thing, lying about it is though.

    I never tell whoever they’re with what I know, that’s not my business and I might be a horrible person, but my loyalty lies with them.  I may not agree with what their doing, but I’m not there to agree with it, condone it, or fix it.  I’m there because we’re friends, and friends listen to each other, love each other no matter what and they certainly don’t chastise each other for their choices.

    It always blows up in their faces, sooner or later and a teary breakup ensues, they come over, we fix them dinner, get them drunk and listen to the whole, ugly mess.  Tuck them in, let them sleep it off and after a shower and some flapjacks, they’re ready to face the world again.

    My advice, choose your allegiance, tell your FI and see what happens, you can’t be expected to carry this garbage on your own….I don’t like to interfere and strongly suggest that you don’t, things like this always work themselves out for the better, although it is an ugly process.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9949 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @UKbee:  She asked you not to tell, so don’t tell.  If she is your best friend, talk to her about feeling uncomfortable.  I tell my best friend what I’m thinking because…she’s my best friend.

    Post # 6
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I highly doubt she will stop if you tell her to. The thing is if nothing happens then she basically gets away with it, and she’ll eventually do it again. And again, and again, until she’s caught. That will for sure ruin her relationship even more than just doing it once. I think their relationship is doomed either way. I mean instead of raising her feelings with her partner about spicing up the sex life she instead goes behind his back to have sex with someone else? 

     

    She also is trying to get you involved unfortunately. If you tell your FI and he tells his friend then she will get mad. But SHE was the one who did something wrong. And probably will again. How would your FI feel if you kept it from him? If it were me I would absolutely discuss this with my FI because I want  relationship based on trust. Your friend is being unfair asking you to keep this big secret. 

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    3806 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @UKbee:  i don’t see an option for “stay out of it.”

    i didn’t read any of this because at the end of the day, it’s her life, not yours. unless her FI is your brother, stay out of it.

    Post # 8
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I vote to stay out of it, she’s an adult – I’d give her a friendly pep talk and that’s it.

    Post # 9
    Hostess
    7630 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I would tell my DH because I tell him everything. It’s not fair for her to ask you not to in my eyes.

    I wouldn’t get involved though. Be there for her, talk to her, give her advice, but don’t interfere. She’s your friend who’s seriously hurting right now or else she wouldn’t have done something like that. She’ll figure it out on her own, she just needs a little support.

    Post # 10
    Member
    852 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Talk to your FI, because she should never ask you to keep something from him, and tell her that you intend to tell him and why. After that, I dont know what I would do. Stick my head in a bucket possibly.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2134 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @UKbee:  Do NOT tell your FI. Your friend asked you to be a good friend and not to tell anyone. She even specifically asked you not to tell your FI. You know that if you do, he will tell her FI, and that is not your place nor his. You will ruin your friendship, their relationship and possibly even the relationship between your FI and his best friend, if the best friend chooses not to believe him.

    In this situation, I would advise her to come clean. Because she’s considering doing it again, it seems like she isn’t all that upset/guilty about what she did. Usually, if it’s a 1 time thing and the person who cheated feels incredibly guilty and knows they would never do it again, I advise not telling, but in this situation, I think her FI deserves to know. He deserves to know that his FI is not happy in their relationship and that she will most likely not remain monogamous unless something changes drastically with their sex life.

    Most importantly, remember to be a friend. This is a complicated situation, and while you certainly shouldn’t support her choice to cheat, you should be supportive in allowing her to handle this as she sees fit. At the end of the day, it’s her relationship, not yours and not your FI’s.

    Post # 12
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @UKbee:  First and foremost I would urge her to be using protection if she isn’t (and to get tested if she isn’t). Second, I would urge her to tell her fiance and advise them to work out their intimacy issues. It is never okay to cheat, but it is especially unfair for her to just give up and step out without having even tried to work it out with him. For all he knows, there is no issue in the bedroom! Third, I would not tell your fiance.  She disclosed this information in confidence and it’s not your place to tell anyone about it.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    6048 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I’m always floored by this behavor.  She has opened the door to someone she met on a sex site online.  He could be nuts, she could be exposed to STDs, and she has now subjected her FI to all of this and he gets no say, no choice in the matter.  They may be a great match on paper but she can’t love her FI, she’s putting her needs ahead of his, that’s having your cake and eating it too.

    I also think it’s wrong that she’s asked you to be complicit and help her pull the wool over the eyes of her FI and yours. Best friends don’t ask other best friends to potentially harm their own relationship so they can continue to cheat.  What happens to your relationship with FI with this hits the fan?  It always hits the fan.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    5932 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @UKbee:  Well….the motives are all very different and interesting.  I honestly think one of them just needs to find a lady that’s hip to the swinger lifestyle, it would solve so many of the problems he faces in long term relationships…because aside from being a giant slut, he’s actually a very loving, intelligent and caring person….he just really loves sex and loves it with everyone.

    One of my girlfriends does it when she’s mad at her husband…soooo THAT is fucked up, but whatever.

    And a couple of single guys, just want the best of both worlds, a lady waiting for you at home, an endless buffet of sweet young things at the bar….they need to grown up!

    Post # 16
    Member
    851 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

    @UKbee:  I definitely would let DH if I were in your situation. I refuse to keep things from him. 

    I also think that you need to tell your friend to come clean to her FI. If they have any hope of making things work long term they need to work out their sex issues. 

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