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I dont think its OK to make such a large purchase without the other person knowing, however it is still "his" money. On the flip side, his decisions affect you.
Maybe you should sit down and redo the finances so he has that flexibitlity without affecting you.
IE (these perentages are random)
Put 50% in a joint account for bills (or whatever covers all of them)
Put 25% in a joint savings for wedding
Put 10% into Joint or personal savings- not to be used
The remainder he can spend as he wishes without dicussing with you.
Then if he wants to buy something he cant afford from his "remainder" it needs to be discussed if its worth coming out of savings for.
Really unless it makes sense (IE 0% interest) something like tools should never have to have its own credit accound. It should always be paid for in full. Make that a discussion as well- not buying on credit (not the same as buying with a credit card and paying off immediately)
I understand open communication but he probably did it because he thought you would get upset or try to convince him not to get the tools. I think when it comes down to it, its his money and he doesn't need your permission to get anything. However, this also goes along with the idea that he must also make sure hes keeping up his end of the bills with whatever you are splitting.
Try to understand that while you may be more frugal and devoting your money to the wedding, he might be in a different mode where not everything is wedding related. I'm cautious with money issues, especially when someone is spending their own money because he has a right to do that. You might see it as a voice of reason but if he has his mind made up, going through you might not have any benefits in his mind.
Can you not agree upon an amount that each of you can spend without consulting the other?
Although it was bad that he didn't let you know that he was making this purchase, I am thinking that he probably needed them for his job and was afraid to tell you because he didn't want to fight with you. I think you both should have a discussion about how to communicate with each other and you should let him know that you support him in purchases that are needed for him to do his job, but you would like him to at least talk to you about it. Also, let him know that you will still likely voice your opinion, but you do understand, you just have to reason out everything and that you will do you best to keep calm when he comes to you about things like this.
I'm probably one of the few that see it this way but I know with my relationship I feel as though if its our own money we are spending & the bills are getting paid then its ours to spend.. As long as their is set aside money in case of an emergency and its not a brand new car that he'll be paying on for 5 years then he's welcome to spend it how he wants to. I make more money & I definitely don't think twice about purchasing things.. I want a new tv for our bedroom and other than asking his opinion on the brand I wouldn't check if it was okay. We do have separate accounts & more than likely will keep separate accounts once we are married.. Like I said though I'm probably one of the few that see things this way.. I just know that as long as it doesn't affect me and its his money than if he wants something he should go buy it.. Given though that usually if he wants something & he doesn't have the money I still buy it for him..
I wish you didn't have to go through this--I know just how you feel. FI and I have had 2 arguments over this very issue, and we finally wound up in couples' therapy to work on how to make this better. The problem we had was very similar; he just wouldn't ask about a purchase if he knew I would disapprove and he really wanted it. I was all "if you really want it that much, talk about it and convince me!" We do share finances so it was a huge deal.
Since therapy, it's gotten SO MUCH BETTER. If you can, I would definitely encourage you to take that route. Finances are so important in your life, and it's not going to get easier post-marriage.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. Keeping big items like this a secret is a problem, even if it is his money. It does effect you because it could effect the budget you have agreed upon for your wedding.
I guess it is just upsetting because I worry so much about not being able to pay for this wedding and he is out buying expensive tools, that he really does not need. $500 could have paid for all of our flowers!
There are things that we really do need, like a water softner and new water heater- but I am holding off on these until after our wedding. I think that is responsible budgeting.
I think I agree more with @jenn6051. I buy things sometimes without telling my husband. Just today I dropped a bunch of money on boots and pants, and he doesn't know at the moment. But it's because seriously: what am I going to do, call him and say "Hey I bought fashionable accessories"--as if he cares to know that during his workday.
Like you, we pay the bills 50/50, so if I buy something, I dont see it as a huge deal provided that all of our bills and our savings goals are paid for that month. I would not expect him to tell me all his purchases either. I don't think he'd be all that interested in a laundry list of what I bought or plan to buy--though we both usually end up mentioning whatever it is at some point anyway. ("By the way, I ordered this..so if we get a package on Saturday that's what it is...") In fact, sometimes I'll be all "ooo i really wanted this handbag but i didn't know if you'd be OK with it" and he's like "why didn't you buy it if you wanted it? I don't really think it's a big deal--or necessarily healthy--to control what your FI spends his money on, provided that your needs and goals are met.
The big thing though, is that neither of us is *hiding* these purchases from eachother. And, if your FI doesn't have the money for this tool set (I know Snap-On tools particularly are expensive!!), and/or if he's slacking on his bills or needing to borrow money from you because of it, then you have yourself a problem.
Edited to add, regarding the comment about his $500 paying for your flowers: did you ask him to contribute $500 for your flowers and he spent it on tools instead? Or is it just that you're upset that he didn't realize that the money could have really helped with the wedding? Men in particular often don't realize the costs of weddings or the stress it can be financially -- many need to be specifically told "I want you to spend x amount on these items for the wedding." I know I have found myself frustrated with this at different times. Like, why did Mr. MJ go out and spend such-and-such amount on a new computer component? I could have bought those new curtains we've been wanting for the house with that money! (But really, I never asked him to set aside money for the curtains, so it wouldn't occurred to him to do so because it's not as big a priority to him, ya know?)
@BunnyBrideToBe: I brought up couples therapy to him and he point blank refused to even give it a try. This may have been just because he was mad at the time though. We have always had great communication, that's one of the reasons our relationship works so great... but him not telling me something like that has broken the trust.
@FallBride100111:It's his money and you can't control what he buys. The only thing you can ask is that you both contribute xxx amount of dollars to the wedding fund each month. Outside of bills and that agreement he is free to burn it in the fireplace if that makes him happy. He is your FI not your child and he does not have to ask for permission to spend his own money.
If he's keeping up on his end of the bills, rent and savings, then I don't think he needs to tell you a thing.
He probably didn't tell you because he was afraid you'd harp on him maybe?
My situation is the same with Maryjane , we don't hide our purchases from one another.. Anytime I go out shopping or purchase something I always tell him what I've bought or if I'm thinking of getting something.. I bought a Coach purse during Christmas, I worked my butt off in over time though & told him from the get go I'd be buying myself that as a Christmas present to myself. He has no problem with that.. He feels like I do as long as our bills are paid then its okay.. But my situation is also a little different than yours because I'm not asking him to pay for anything except his suit for the wedding. The rest of it will mainly be coming out of my pocket and my dads. His mom is contributing a little money but not much. And he doesn't make much extra so I've told him not to worry about sitting any side.
@maryjane: When we have to pay for the flowers it will probably just be 50/50, that is what we have done on all of the other downpayments. He doesn't have the money to spend on the tools right now which is why he has them on an account with Snap On. Money is tight for both of us.
Most of the time we do not tell eachother everything we buy. We have been living together for a year and the whole money thing has worked out pretty well. But I feel like a $500.00 purchase is one we should have discussed before hand.
ditto
OP-- if he is working at a shop he will likely need ALL his own tools. Not every employer gives tool allowances, but they still expect you to have the tools with which to complete any job. My partner works in a trade where he practically needs access to any tool at any time, so he often spends quite a bit of money on tools without consulting me at all. I am 100% fine with that because it is an investment in his trade that can enable him to properly and efficiently complete more jobs which = more money in the long run (through his employer being happy with his work to more jobs being completed to bonuses, etc).
I too am a major saver, but I understand that he needs these things[tools] to make a living. While it may seem like a lot of money, and I might not be ecstatic about it, I certainly can justify it.
I think you two should just sit down and discuss what your expectations are vs. what he is going to need for his new job--if he doesn't already own a lot of tools I would expect that he may have more purchases down the road. The best thing to do is try and spread out the tool spending, rather than buy everything all at once as specialty (trade) tools can be really expensive.
@FallBride100111:I think you're justified in wanting to have known beforehand--especially with money being tight, and this is definitely something you should discuss now so it doesn't happen in the future. But it's probably not something to lose trust in him over, unless he does things like this a lot, ya know? I believe someone above said he probably felt this was an investment for his job, and just didn't think straight as far as telling you. Guys. *shrug*
We have a major purchases (anything over $100) discussion agreement. Unless it's for a gift for one another, we discuss any purchases beyond non-essentials (groceries, gas, etc.) with one another. To us, it's a respect and total disclosure sort of thing.
FYI...we have a joint account for savings and still maintain separate accounts for everyday spending.
I'd be upset if he spent $700 without telling me...whether it's HIS money or not. We're both working toward common goals and we both prefer to be in the know.
IMO he should have talked to you about buying the tools, but seeing as he just started a new job at a car shop, he most likely needed to buy the tools, as most places that have to do with cars require you to buy and use your own tools. those tool are very expensive so i understand the high price. while him not talking to you about this is definately unfair, you also need to understand he probably did not dish out 500 dollars without having a fair reason behind it. talk to him and make it clear that you would like to talk about large purchases from now. yes tools are expensive, and no it was not fair for him to just go buy them without telling you (even though since hes a guy and just bought a 700 dollar tool box, you should have expected new tools were next to come). but as long as your bills are paid and money is being put aside for the wedding this purchase should be the least of your worries. on the bright side its not like hes spending thousands of dollars on pointless and useless things. not trying to stick up for him because hiding it was wrong, but at the same time, not to be rude, but, you should have seen the signs that this was going to eventually happen.
@FallBride100111:It's obvious you are upset but you are not married and he does not have to ask your permission to buy something for work. Listen to how over emotional you sound to compare buying flowers that will be thrown away at the end of the night to tools that he has to use at work for years and years. I am a woman and I think you sound unreasonable so I can imagine him being upset. I think its best to let it go and maybe discuss it later when you can be more logical and can express your thoughts without being upset.
@missmouse29: That is a good point- he does need his own tools... but this is not his first shop job, he worked a car shop about 3 years ago. He has TONS of tools, I have actually never known a man to own more tools than my FI owns. Now, he just added another $500.00 worth to his already huge lot! Not to mention, he buys snap on and other very pricey brands. I understand his tools need to be good ones, but honestely now is not the time to be buything them.
In all honestly, I think he has a tool addiction. He is not happy with anything that is not the best and he just needs to keep buying. He organizes them all the time, every tool needs it's own spot in his tool box. I think he likes to look at them. Probably similar to a woman with a shoe addiction.
I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think he hid the purchase to avoid worrying you. I don't know how much he uses the tools, but if he honestly needed them for work, I think there should be a pass (assuming the purchase is legitimate and not excessive).
FI and I don't live together, but we agreed that purchases excess of $100 should be disclosed (not necessarily permission..just a call or text saying "babe, i'm going to buy so and so for $150").
was it possibly a replacement or specialty tool that he didn't already have?
I totally hear you about the tool vs shoe thing, my partner can be a bit like that sometimes too.
Maybe you two can work out a 'budget' for tools to ensure that he's only purchasing what he needs vs wants?
I agree with PPs, what this boils down to is lack of communication and clear ground rules regarding money. The two of you need to sit down with a calculator and figure out a budget. If he regularly needs new tools for his job, that expense should be factored into the budget. Contributions toward the wedding should also be factored into the budget.
I know you want to save as much as possible for the wedding, but I highly recommend allowing some "fun money" in the budget. Expecting him to put every spare cent he earns into the wedding is too difficult and is setting him up for failure in my opinion. We all need to have a little bit of financial freedom to stay sane. If you choose to put all your fun money into the wedding savings, that's your choice, but you can't make your FI feel bad about not doing the same.
If your FI wants to make unnecessary splurges, as long as they're not being made with money that's already been earmarked for budget items, he should not have to consult with you about them. If an emergency comes up and he absolutely needs a new tool to do a job but the budgeted money has already been spent, then he needs to work with you to figure out how to afford that tool.
I would also consider seeing a marriage/relationship counsellor about the names he calls you. He may have issues with controlling his temper, or he may lack proper respect for you. Either way, it's not acceptable for him to call you that, no matter what the circumstances.
The beautiful thing about SnapOn tools is that they have lifetime guarantees. My FI and I are the same way, down to the fact that he is buying from SnapOn right now too. He is an automotive tech and, like has been pointed out, he NEEDS all of these tools. I do think he should have told you. TOLD you, not asked you. I don't think he needed to ask you at all, but I do get why you're upset he didn't tell you.
My advice on this is more long-term. If he is just like my FI (which it sounds like) then I don't recommend a joint account when you are married. We are going to have three accounts: One joint for bills, one for me, one for him. We will contribute 50/50 to everything, retirements included, but then what's left is ours. If I want to go buy shoes, I can go buy shoes. If he wants to go buy car parts, he can go buy car parts, as long as neither negatively affect the other.
I haven't read all of the other responses, but have you guys ever done a Myers-Briggs personality type test? When I was doing an Undergrad Psyc class for my Major, we both had to do one. My FI's type has "SP" in it....know what my professor said? "Don't give this type the checkbook." They're not always good with money long-term.
I agree with @lefeymw and PPs. If he has trouble with savings and stuff, you both need to sit down and put together a clear guideline of what goes where, and then he can spend his remainder however he wants and discuss with you if he does not have enough and wants to dip into another account. The problem with not having budget set up, is that when you look at 500 dollars, he see tools, and you see flowers. He probably doesnt care to spend 500 on flowers and thinks that is money wasted, so you'll never be able to say, that money could have bought flowers to him. He could just say flowers are a waste, i NEED my tools. What's done is done now, so I'd let him off the hook on this purchase, but set forth new rules going forward.
We do what a lot of the PPs have said - we have a set amount of money set aside in our own accounts each month that we can do whatever we want with. We can't go over that amount without consulting each other. Absolutely every other cent goes into our joint account and savings. I think this would be a system that would be better for you guys. Then, he is forced to budget. Did he need the tools *right this moment*, or could he have waited a month or two for his personal account to recover? I bet he didn't need them immediately, he just didn;t want to delay gratification.
Money = #1 cause of divorce. You guys need to find a system that works for both of you....and i'd figure that out before marriage if I were you.
I think the larger issue may be in a couple of months when you get married will you have seperate or joint financials? If the answer is seperate then as long as he pays his agreed amount for bills and puts the agreed amount into spending then he is really allowed to spend his money as he pleases. However you do not seem to happy with having this type of arrangement, hopefully you discuss this before getting married. DH and I have 100% joint finances therefore we do consult each other on larger purchases and it works for us since we see it as both our money and therefore we try to decide together what the best way to spend our money is.
We are planning on having our own bank accounts and then one joint account. We have talked about this before and both agree this is the best way to do things for us. Also, I should mention this is the first time money has been an issue for us... we are being confronted with all of the downpayments for the wedding and paying for it on our own is stressful. Not to mention, I want to have some savings left over for emergencies and such- I just worry a lot, it is apart of my personality.
I plan to sit down with him tonight one on one and talk this whole thing through. I think we both have things to work on. I hope eveything goes OK :)
This is tricky. Hiding purchases is very bad - you have a right to be upset about that. As far as him spending the money - it depends on how you have agreed to handle money. If you have discussed discussing purchases over $x and he spent more than that, you have a right to be upset. If you maintain seperate accounts and haven't combined money, then its really his money to spend how he wants.
I think the best think to do is get on the same page financially and discuss how you are going to handle money now and how you are going to handle money after you are married. That way everyone is on the same page and is playing by the same rules. Good luck!
No, you're NOT being unreasonable at all- every large purchase needs to be discussed beforehand, even if your income together/bill paying is not 50/50 IMO. I would be pissed if FI did this- he really needs to respect your input, especially since it sounds like you're the more responsible one money-wise. I don't think the purchase was an unreasonable one since the tools will eventually end up paying for themselves, but still.... I agree with everyone above- now's the time to have a talk about money & agree on some spending rules- good luck 
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I was cleaning last night and found a receipt for a payment my FI made on a Snap-On tools account- the balance left was $500.00! This is all news to me, I had no idea he was buying tools. The purchase was made after he started his new job at a car shop about 2 months ago. Not to mention, last week he just bought a new tool box that cost $700.00- I knew about this one and was not too happy, but I still agreed to let him get it. Well, now I know why he needed the new tool box!
Here is a little background: I am a major money saver. My FI on the other hand, loves to spend his money! We both have jobs and we both pay 50/50 on bills and rent. We are both contributing as much to this wedding as we can, our budget is $10,000 and we are the only ones paying for the wedding- we don't have much money. I have budgeted everything and constantly worrying about money, my FI is very easy going and doesn’t really care about the money issue. We are complete opposites, but it seems to work out pretty good (most of the time).
What scares me is the fact that he did this without telling me. And when I brought it up to him he said he didn’t tell me because I wouldn’t of let him get the tools. I have never kept him from getting ANYTHING before, granted I may be a voice of reason at times, but he still aways gets what he wants. He was very defensive and it turned into a fight.
Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?