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I recently found out that my fiance has been cheating on me with different women the entire time he's been dating me. We just had a baby in February and the wedding is scheduled for September.
He is in the military and we currently live in different cities. My daughter and I went to visit him last week and while I was using his computer, I noticed that links to a dating site kept popping up in the browser history. I asked him about it and he said he was just looking for people to hang out with since he's new to the city. I thought it sounded off but I settled for his explanation. The next day, I was using his computer again and noticed he was still logged into his facebook. I looked at his messages and found numerous emails with different women, dating back from the beginning of our relationship to as recent as 2 weeks ago. They confirmed that he's been leading a double life and cheating on me all along.
I confronted him and he had a stupid excuse for everything I found and also tried to shift blame by saying I shouldn't have been snooping. I didn't believe his stories so I got in touch with one of the women in the messages and she confirmed that he had been sleeping off and on with her for years and that she didn't even know he was engaged or had a baby!!
He is begging and pleading with me and telling me how much he loves me and the baby. He is talking about how he's been praying to be a good husband/father. However, he still hasn't accepted responsibility or admitted what he did. I had to find out the details from one of the women. If he had of come clean when I first confronted him, I might have been willing to at least consider trying to salvage the relationship. But he's STILL LYING. I cannot believe he invested so much time in our relationship, spent time with my family, introduced me to his family/friends/co-workers, took me on trips, etc. and all along he was cheating.
Is there even a hope for this relationship? Right now I am devasted and feel like my life is over. Seriously the only reason I am motivated to live right now is my daughter...
Wow. That is so terrible. You must be heartbroken.
I am a HUGE fan of counseling. Not for you guys....but for you!
This is a really confusing time and I think it would be a good idea to have someone to talk to who can help you work thru all of this. Friends and family are great....but sometimes when things are REALLY bad, I think it is a good thing to have someone else.
I don't think it is a good sign that it was not just a one time thing....but an ongoing pattern. I think you should find someone to talk to to help you work thru this. It's alot to handle :-(
I am so sorry
@spraguebride: I second this :(
This is terrible! I'm so sorry. He can't pray to be someone he's not. He has to actively work at it.. it sounds like he hasn't taken any responsibility for his actions.
I am so sorry (((HUGS))). You did the right thing by calling off the wedding. You are better than to be treated like that. You deserve to be loved fully, cheating and lies are def not love. His deception is going to sting and hurt for a long time, but eventually, the light will shine again. Right now, you will have to keep up the appearance of happiness for your daughter, I know that is going to be really hard but it will actually help you if even in a small way. I wish that I could say more to take the pain away, but for now I will keep sending you happy thoughts and keep you in my prayer.
double (((HUGS)))
I would contact the military right away and find out what the process is for getting child support, or a lawyer if you don't get it already.
Im so sorry that this happened to you!! I also agree with spraguebride on the counseling deal.
I strongly suggest taking this time to be there for your daughter! This guy obviously doesnt care about you, which he proves through his actions. You deserve someone who respects you and your daughter!
Ugh, I'm so sorry.
Stay strong for your daughter.
And leave this dude. There is no salvaging a relationship that does not have the foundation of trust. And you can never trust him again, nor can you live fearing he will do this again to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. What an a$$. I'm sorry, but I don't know that this relationship is worth saving. Had it been a one time deal that he was genuinely sorry about that might be worth a try, but he was leading a double life from the beginning. I firmly believe that the key to ANY kind of relationship is trust and if you don't have that, you don't have anything. Stay strong for your sweet girl...make the decisions for yourself that you would make for your daughter if she was ever in this situation in the future.
I don't get the chance to post much on here, but I have had a few family members that were victims of infidelity, and they found this website to be helpful! www.survivinginfidelity.com I am so sorry that you are going through this. :(
There is no hope whatsoever. You need to do what's best for both you and your daughter. He's a scumbag. No offense.
I think the best is for you to take some time away from him - you need to think about what you want & what is best for your child & for you.
What is unfortunate, is that this wasn't even a one time thing, since the first day you became a couple he has been unfaithful.....
I wish you the absolute best & Stay strong!!
I don't normally comment on these types of threads beacause there is no way to know the whole situation or the people involved.
But in this case I say leave him. Never ever look back. The two of you were really never in a relationship if he was with other people the whole time. You have your daughter to think about and he, whether you still love him or not, is a liar. Do not show you daughter that you can be taken advantage of by a man who does not love you. Be strong and independant for her. In the core of his being he is a liar without remorse. The only thing he is sorry about is that you found out. Not that he did it in the first place. A person who has consistently cheated from the very beginning will not change.
There is someone out there who will NOT EVER do this to you! Do not cheat yourself by staying with this guy.
I would definitely seek counseling for yourself, not for him. You deserve so much more than to be treated like that. Don't get yourself down - it was nothing you did. I know it seems hard and impossible right now, but if it helps you to think of it this way, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your daughter. You know, the whole air-mask thing they tell you on airplanes? Not that I'm saying you can't take care of her - at all. But having someone else help you through a difficult time can be a blessing in disguise!
(hugs)
I also agree with @spraguebride: unfortunately.
- This was not a one time 'mistake'. Hell, it wasn't even a one time 'bad choice'.
- He is continuing to lie now even though you've talked to other women (how is he justifying that one btw? I'm curious?)
Being a military wife takes A LOT of trust in each other, for him to leave his home and wife behind and in return, her to let him go away for months at a time, often with little and sometimes NO contact.
If trust is broken in any relationship, its horrible, but for a military couple, its crippling.
I really do not think I could ever trust him again with this level of rupture in trust. I just couldn't. Even if I loved him. That is just me, but hell woman... I am SO sorry this friggen asshole did this too you.
i am so sorry you are going through this. this is awful. HUGS i dont mean to be inconsiderate...but this guy is a jack ass. he is a loser and a slut. there is no hope for this guy. he has cheated on you from day one up until after the birth of your daughter and also 6 months before your wedding? he has no heart and does not deserve you! i would never be able to trust this man again and it seems that he does not need to be trusted because he will do this again. there is no doubt in my mind that with his behavior...this will continue...even after the wedding.
you need to leave him asap...not only for yourself but for your daughter.
This wasn't a one time 'opps', this was active on a dating site, multiple affairs over long periods of time. He will not change in a time frame that will allow you to trust him or a manner that you will still respect yourself. You need to get some support with counseling and financial for your daughter.
You will, however, have him in your life *forever* because of your child. You need to go to counselling so you can learn how to get over the pain and not let your feelings about him poison your daughters feeling.
Good Luck and Big hugs!!
remember you cant change him into something he has never even proven he is capable of...(hugs) im so sorry
Run away girl. Don't look back. I'm so so so sorry for you. That's HORRIBLE for you and your baby. Holy crap! My heart goes out to you and you should leave and never let that disgusting man in your life again. I don't think rekindling will do you any good for the trust is gone and it will always be gone. There is no getting trust back especially when it has been broken for so long. Hugs. :(
@cocopuff112: Im so so so sorry to hear this. ((hugs)). I hope you have somewhere "safe" to go to so you cna be surroonded by love while you are going through this difficult time.
Like you what angers me most about this situation is that he is lying, and he keeps lying, its deffinitly not a good sign that he even feels some remorse or wants to change. Get out of there. Its not a good situation and you deserve so much better.
Im very sorry to hear this. But I want to tell you how impress I am with your streght you didn't just ignore the clues and looked the other way. In all reality at the end of it is all your desicion only you can take the next step. All we can do is give our opinion on the subject. I think that if he hasn't admitted anything and you know the true just move on. It is better that way if not you are never gonna be able to trust him that will only cause you pain and regret.
Man are real good on shedding those fake tears I have learned that over the years. Someone who is not willing to admitt they did any wrong is a lost cause. I know my dad was exactly the same way. You need to remind your self of your worth and never dout that. All that matters now is your baby and you! Us woman don't need a man to survive. Just look at your baby and remember you are her rock. Do the right thing for not just you but you lil angel as well.
Keep your head up remember strong independant womant are much more actractive I wish you the best in whatever you choose.
No hope. So sorry. Do you even have to ask? Don't mean to be so harsh, but is this not a dealbreaker for you? Keep smiling back at your baby, give her all the love you yourself must be craving right now (she'll give it back to you, I promise), and I love the idea of PPs that you find out about child support from the military -- insist that he find this out, though considering you were not married, this could be tricky. However, a lawyer should be able to advise you of your baby's father's responsibility in this; it can't be that he has none - just because he's in the military.
I'm sorry that he is putting you through this, but I am very impressed that you're head was on straight enough to know that you should let it be over. I think we are all here for you if you need to vent about his scummy ways!
I'm so sorry for you and can ABSOLUTELY relate - same thing happened to me 3 and 1/2 years ago right at the time my son was born. Lies, then more lies to cover up the lies you found out about...it's a vicious cycle.
Stay strong for your baby girl, try to take emotions out of it. I agree 100% with some of the other posts, go the legal route, get custody official and get child support. Then focus on making you happy because your daughter WILL know when her mom is happy...make her always remember her mom as a strong, happy, caring individual.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU...I know you will get through this...one day at a time :)
That's awful! I'm so sorry this happened to you. You've already received some great advice from the bees above. I just wanted to reiterate that you do NOT deserve this. You deserve so much more. You did not do anything to cause this. Believe me, I know a few people like this - they don't cheat because their partner did anything wrong, they cheat because that's how they are. There's something in THEM that is lacking. Not you.
Please do get some counseling if you can, to help you get through this. {{Big hugs}}
I would say there is no hope here. Sorry. But the lying is worse than the cheating in some respects. And he's trying to manipulate you by begging and pleading. Stop all communication. Go file and order for child support and from then on the only conversation you have should be related directly to the child. Period.
He's made it clear how he feels about your relationship so please don't waste your time. Even though this is devastating, you will recover and you will find someone who respects you. It just sucks so bad that you have this child who will bind you together for the next 18 years. Stay strong and chuck the loser. You'll be sad now but glad later.
He sounds like a serial cheater, and he's already trying to blameshift onto you. He WILL NOT change or be husband-worthy until he can honestly own up to the fact that HE made the coice to cheat, no matter what else may have been going on in your lives. It's not your fault he cheated, he's just pissed you found out and is trying to make you the bad guy for 'snooping'. Frankly, once trust has been broken it needs to be eraned back, and blaming you for seeing if he's trustworhty is not taking that trust in the right direction. Until he comes to you and tells you everything (many cheaters wil hide one affiar, even if caught in another - they lie to themselves saying they are 'rpotecting' you from more hurt, but they are really trying to cover their own asses) and mans up and takes responsiblity for being such a douche. Plenty of people go through bad times, and even find they could be attracted to co-workes and friends, BUT most people, upon making that relaization stop spending as much time with that person and they draw a line to protect their relationship against such things. There is NO excuse for cheating in my mind - if you want an open relationship and your SO doesn't, be an adult and choose your SO, or leave. Don't try to have your cake and eat it, too.
I PM'ed you with a site that helps people deals it the hurt infidelity causes and helps you get back on the long road to feeling yourself again. It's a good place (not that the Bee isn't) taylored specaily for betrayed spouses and SOs, meaning everyone on there has been in your shoes or close to it, so you know their input comes from experience.
Take care of that baby, and try to take care of yourself.
I had to become a single mom at when my son was 7 months old. It was scary, hard at times, but the very best thing I have ever done.
I don't think you will ever be able to trust him, especially since you are both in different cities.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry this is happening. I second www.survivinginfidelity.com. They are awesome!
He sounds like my ex boyfriend. Also in the military and also constantly cheating. When we broke up he got engaged to someone else and continued to cheat on her. The fact that he doesn't admit that it was wrong of him and hasn't owned up to his mistake is a BIG read flag! He's trying to push the blame on you for HIS mistake! Kick him to the curb, you deserve better!
What an ass. you deserve so much better than that, so much better than him. Please move on, and know there is something so much better out there, waiting for you to come along.
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs. I agree that you should go to counseling and work on yourself during this time. Your life is not over even though you feel like you can't breathe, eat, or sleep. We have all been there. You delivered a child, so you will definitely survive.:) You will find Love again. Just give yourself time.
The relationship is over. Sorry, but he's a cheat and he's not remorseful @ all. Now is the time to focus on your child and tell him that being a good man is being a good father. Go get full custody and start child support.
Much Love:)
OMG that's just beyond awful. I am so sorry. Please leave him, don't look back and take care of yourself and your baby.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish you strength for you and your little girl. Like others have said you deserve better!
Hugs!
Oh I am so sorry you are having to deal with this when you were looking forward to such a special time in your life. You are getting a ton of great advice here and I know now is not the time for you to absorb being better off or everything happens for a reason when you truly loved him but you will get there.
You're going to grive what could have been or what you wanted him to be but the situation wasn't those things so yes it is better to find all this out now rather than later.
Definetely go talk to someone. Friends are great but you'll need someone to really help you work through all this so you can move on and find a HEALTHY relationship.
Again, SO sorry you are in this situation but you did the right thing for you and your daughter, you both deserve love AND faithfulness.
OMG... I am so sorry that this is happening to you, doll. But trust me when I say you should leave and never ever look back. My ex was exactly like this... thank God I never had a child or even got close to marrying him.. but he was messing around with any and everyone and would CONTINUE to lie whenever I found out about anything, even if I had solid evidence. My mistake was in giving him the benefit of the doubt multiple times before I finally got a clue and told him to forget he ever knew me.
Like another poster said... praying to be someone he isn't even trying to be is NOT going to help. I believe in prayer, but it's gonna take a lot more than that for him to change... he actually has to WANT to change and make significant steps in that direction. If he's still lying, he isn't trying at all. Cut him loose.
First of all I am very sorry this is happening to you. I can't believe it.
I trust that you will overcome this! I sensed from your writing that you are a strong inteligent woman. You will no doubt get your positive life back once you leave this man.
I agree with everyone else, get as far away from him as possible. Run! He is nothing but a liar and you deserve better. You are lucky you found out before you married him. He's not likely to change, regardless how many times he tells you he will. He's a jerk, a big fat lying jerk.
My girlfriend found panties in her bedroom and her HB said it was mine. I freaked out on her and said SERIOUSLY. I dont wear panties like that. and look at the size of them!!! He was cheating on her badly, she stayed with him and he still cheats. Shes miserable cause he still does it and looks at teen porn. So either stay in the relationsip and walk through the pain by your self, cause he surely doesnt give a shit. He had a baby and had the nerve to propose. I say kick him in the ballz, and clothes out the window. You are strong you had a baby, and you love her and she loves you. Yes we live in a hard world when money is an issue. But you do have support even if you think you dont. I know its hard to breath and your heart hurts so bad. Real bad. But please girl be your own women and stand your ground before you get an STD. My gf got an STD thats how she finally knew after she had three more children. When she just assumed and ignored the panty situation. PS look at my blog i am going through a rough time as well. with my SIL!!!!! SHES AWFUL.
I'm so sorry!! A lot of us have been in the situation before where we discover someone we loved and trusted has betrayed us. For me, it was an ex boyfriend and it was heartbreaking. I feel for you and can't express how deeply sympathetic I am to your situation. Prayers and hugs go out to you.
Normally I would emphatically say LEAVE. Unfortunately, when children are involved I don't think the answer can ever be so simple. With him in the military, your daughter will already grow up without him around much if he is deployed often. Breaking up and living apart would limit her interaction with him even more. I think you have to honestly decide whether this is something that could be fixed. Either way, I'd definitely cancel the wedding for now. You shouldn't be on a deadline of deciding whether you can salvage the relationship or not. You also shouldn't give him the satisfaction of keeping the wedding date. If you think there's even a sliver of hope, I'd say go to counseling and try to work through this for the sake of your daughter. She needs a stable home with both parents. You procreated with this individual, so it's your duty to make it work. If you feel he will never, ever change and you will be entirely miserable the rest of your life, then you should move on and just try to make the best of the situation for your daughter by remaining on friendly terms with him. I'm sure your family will supprt you in either decision. Best of luck!! <3
@cocopuff112: I don't think there is much hope for a future with him, he is a habitual cheater who gets a thrill out of deception
Consider yoursself lucky that you didn't waste more time with him!
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