I dont want this, its not what we planned
I dont know what to do.
I'm sorry *hugs* :(
What are your options at this point?
@FutureMrsRoos: massive hugs!
care to elaborate? is it going to throw MAJOR things off course (like school, or a career) or just not ideal (like having a baby before marriage, if you don't like that kind of thing)?
There are some amazing bees to help regardless of what you decide to do. And don't let anyone from the internets make you feel bad about feeling this way!!!
x
Is it a timing issue? Could you move your wedding up or back?
My fiance says this is the most exciting thing thats ever happened to him.
I feel like a terrible person beause i do want kids just not right now! im only 23 and really really wanted to be married and have much less debt before having a baby.
This is just not what I wanted right now and I feel like he will resent me if I want to get an abortion
Oh no! poor you! I can't imagine anything worse than an unplanned pregnancy.
Don't make any decisions yet. Calm down, relax, have a bath or something, and talk it through with your other half.
People are going to oppose you whatever you do, so don't worry about that, do what's right for you. Go with your gut, you know what it is you need, and you might find a baby is just that, or not.
Either way, I assure you, you will be fine in the long run. Trust me, you CAN cope with this.
Not to mention i dont think we make enough money to carry our mortgage without my job as i make waaayyy more money than my FI
thanks for your support, i knew the bee would make me feel a little better!
(sorry forgot to tag you in my other responses)
I am sorry. You DO have options here. The pregnancy may be unplanned but that does not mean you have no choice anymore.
My thoughts are with you. I know how terrible this can feel.
You can work and have a little one. I have a 9 year old she was unplanned and I had her at 22. I married her father, that didnt work out but she's been the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm 31 now I'll graduate college in about 15 months, and I'm marrying my best friend in a year :). I've gone through debt etc, worked while having her, and she's made my life so much better. She's made me a stronger better person too. I know it is scary but you can do this. Just breathe for now, its overwhelming but I think you and your fiance will be ok.
I got pregnant at 28, only a few months into my now fiance's relationship, and flipped out, so I can imagine that being so young, but having a plan, you would be upset.
He says he is thrilled, which is a GOOD thing, even if you aren't completely on board. Obviously, you are considering an abortion, and if that's what you want then you need to talk to hiim about it ASAP. What will you do if he is totally against it? Had my fiance not been as supportive and loving as he was about the situation, I probably would have tried to come up with the money to have one, but he let me know that if I did, he would be gone. So you have to be prepared for that, as well.
Is just a money thing? I don't know how anyone can be prepared for the cost...debt or not. I had debt. Fiance had debt. We have more debt b/c of the baby...but we're making it work, even though he has been in and out of work since she was born. Some days are hard, but overall, we're happy and doing fine financially. It can be stressful, but as long as you are aware of what is happening with your finances, and don't let it get you down all the time, it shouldn't be so bad.
You don't have to stop working. What do you do? What does he do? Can either one of you find a way to 'move up' in your career/job?
Sit down and have a long talk, which I'm sure you're already planning on doing. Don't make any decisions unitl you both express your feelings and come up with a few different plans for how you may be able to afford it. Babies are expensive, but there are ways to make them less so!
I don't know... I would hate to be brough into the world with an unhappy mom who didn't want me. I guess I sort of was, and I've been motherless for a long time. I'm not saying I wish I had never been born, but it's not been easy.
If you're not ready, you're not ready. I don't condone abortion as a method of birth control -- but it's there as an option. If it's early enough, it should be relatively easy from what I know. Don't feel bad for feeling this way, it can happen to anyone.
Wish you all the best.
@FutureMrsRoos: I wish I could give you a big hug right now! Take some deep breaths, read a book or do something else relaxing, and maybe have a big mug of tea or hot cocoa (hot drinks always make me feel better).
My first piece of advice is this: Sit quietly by yourself and really think hard about what it is you want and how a baby would affect that. You mentioned how your job is necessary for paying the mortgage; would you want (or be able) to put the baby into daycare or have a relative (like your fiance) take care of the baby while you're at work? I'm not Canadian, but I've heard you guys have awesome healthcare, so think about Insurance and how a baby could impact that, as well as maternity leave and whether it would be paid. Also think about when you originally planned to have a child and why you wanted to wait until then (it could help give you some insight and direction on the right choice for you).
Don't just think about the negative impact though; think about all the positives too. That way you get a real and good idea of what having a child will be like. I'm sure there are support groups or books you can read that will help you get a better sense of what being a parent is like, so maybe you could check those out too.
Second: When you feel calm and collected enough, sit down and talk it through with your fiance. It won't be an easy conversation to have, no matter what you wind up deciding. However, you are in a loving relationship and that baby is half him. I feel like he should get a chance to tell you what he thinks about the situation. You don't need to talk about abortion specifically (there are a lot of options open to you guys at the moment); just tell him how scared and upset you are and that this isn't what you wanted at the moment. Be open and honest and try to be calm.
Third: Whatever decision you wind up making, do not let anyone make you feel bad for it. You and your fiance are the ones who will have to raise the baby, so no one else gets a say.
Keep your head up and be brave! Your fiance sounds like a sweetheart. I'll have my fingers crossed that you guys reach a decision that works for both of you!
@JFay: we have talked and he says hes supportive or whatever I want to do but im concerned that he will secretly resent me. Money is a major major factor, I dont want to lose our home. It was also really important to me to be married first :(
The other bees gave some good advice. Relax, and realize that you have a while to make up your mind if you just found out today.
Unplanned pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. *hugs*
@FutureMrsRoos: If not being married is a big factor - would you be open to getting legally married now and having your wedding celebration in November like you planned? I do agree with other bees that there are ways to deal with the money issues. I think you could work that out.
ETA: I am really sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. But you will find a way through it. Big hugs from Atlantic Canada!
@FutureMrsRoos: It's no problem. If you need anything feel free to post again or PM me. I've never been through this myself, but I'll help if I can. 
Additional questions to think about for you guys: If you do wind up deciding to keep the baby, would you be willing to postpone the wedding? Would you guys want to do a quiet and small ceremony first and then later, when the baby is here, do a more traditional reception and vow renewal? Would you guys be able to move the wedding up so you are married before the baby arrives?
And if you decide not to keep the baby (and that can mean abortion or adoption), would you both be willing to go to counseling or a support group if you need to? You mentioned that he said he would be supportive no matter what you choose, but make sure you ask him if he would be resentful at all (even a tiny bit). He needs to be just as open and honest as you do about this. Going to counseling before making a decision could help (if you need to), but I don't know how much time you guys have to work with or how far along you are at the moment, so that may not be practical.
The most important thing is that you both are open, honest, and listen to what the other person is saying.
@FutureMrsRoos: Could you move your wedding around? Perhaps have a very small civil ceremony in a month or two and then push your wedding celebration back - it will give you more time to save money for the wedding and spend it on the baby instead.
I understand your fear that he will secretly resent you. I'm on the same page as you - I'm 28, but not ready for a baby right now and I know that my FI will either leave me or resent me if I were to have an abortion if I got pregnant. I would feel lost, lonely and scared, so I imagine you're going through the same thing.
Do either of you have parents who can help you financially until you both finish school or while you work up to having more money? Do you have any sort of a support system - people who can help you take care of the baby?
I think ultimately, whatever you decide, you won't regret. If you choose to keep the baby, I'm certain you and your FI will make it work. If you choose not to, even if he resents you, that will probably pass with time and especially when you get pregnant again (hopefully planned).
I'm sorry about this. I'm 23 and I would have a panic attack if I were in your shoes. However, all is not lost. You will just have to readjust some priorities and your finances but it can work out, IF you decide to keep this baby. I suggest you make a list of things that you think will be affected by the baby's arrival and try to brainstorm possible avenues through which these things don't have to be compromised. For exmaple, your home, your career etc.
Word of advice though: if your FI is excited and wants to keep this baby, abortion may cause a rift in your relationship that may be hard to heal. Before anything is decided, calm down, take a shower, treat yourself a little and then have a long talk. If your FI is happy and willing, things will be a lot easier and in time, you may very well get excited over your little one's arrival.
@FutureMrsRoos: I can appreciate his excitement (of course, men rarely have to do the majority of the caregiving, and don't experience any of the physical aspects of childbearing).
Assuming he is your age, he may not be thinking about the financial aspect as much. Can you sit down with him and spell it out like you see it? Maybe if he understands the whole picture he will see it from your point of view.
At the end of the day, even though you are a couple, you need to do what is right for you. The sad reality is that relationships end, but if you have a child you don't want and aren't prepared for, you will have that responsibility forever.
I've been in a very similar position--23, engaged and with an unplanned pregnancy. I did terminate it. He supported me, but wasn't happy with it. Our relationship did break down a year or so later, but the termination wasn't the cause. I have never regretted my choice. I wasn't ready, I couldn't afford to have a child at that time in my life, and I still believe it was the best option.
Good luck.
my heart goes out to you. I got pregnant at 16 to the only guy slept with and before I found out he broke up with me. my dad was a deacon at our church, mug mom worked for my school and my family was while known and telling them was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm 25 now and my son is 7. He is my while life. Some times what seems like a horrible thing ends up being a miracle. I'm not saying I think you should keep the baby. I think you should do what is best for you I thought maybe hearing someone who has been where you are say your gonna be ok and you will make it through this might help ease your mind and heart. I can promise you that you will be so much stronger after this has pasted than you ever thought you would be and one day you will meet someone who is in the same position your are in and they will need to hear you made it through this and they can too.
I am coming back to post a little more as I have a bit more time.
Please do not make a decision based on whether your FI will resent you or not. First of all, it sounds like he supports you and your right to choose and will be there for you. Don't project your fears on him if he has said he is there for you. Secondly, parenthood is a big responsibility and it should not be made out of fear. What if YOU resent for the sacrifices or hardships you need to take to have this child? A child will change the dynamics of your relationship and it often adds a lot of stress. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to be a single parent if something happens (and not just relationship ending).
While it is easy to say it will all work out, this just cannot be assured by anyone who is not in your shoes and in your life. There are plenty of families who do live in poverty because they could not afford a child and so on where it did not "all work out", and parents who do regret having children. You need to 100% on board with this. Chances are high you will be the primary caregiver here, and of course the one bearing the pregnancy and childbearing which can have its own complications and risks. Your FI may be excited but has he also really thought about the reality or had a lot of experience caring for children around the clock?
I got pregnant when I was young. The birth control failed and we did not know until I missed my period. At the time I believed I still would want children one day (I have since determined I do not) but not then. I could not afford a child, I was not emotionally ready, I wanted to continue school and pursue certain career goals and experiences first. I chose to have an abortion. My long term boyfriend was fully supportive of it being my choice. We did part a couple years later but NOT due to abortion and I was glad we could part without having a child to worry about or me being on my own. It has been over 17 years and I can still honestly say not only do I not regret it, but it was one of best decisions I have made in my life. I am so appreciative of the way my life has gone on and how it has turned out.
However, I was fully on board with it being the right choice for ME and I think that is important. It was 100% based on what *I* wanted.
This needs to be YOUR choice. You need to be comfortable wih whatever you choose. You likely have some time. Sit with yourself and think about what feels right for you and your life. I think you already know in your self what you want to do. Listen to that.
I am so sorry you are going through this :( I agree with pp and just lay down, take a big breath, close your eyes, and think. Okay so with that said. I seriously don't think your FI would resent you. He supports whatever you decide. Talk it over with him, because this affects both of you. Getting an abortion takes big balls girl and you need to have them in order to go through with it. Personally, if I wanted to get an abortion, and my FI would support the idea? I would go through with it. I'm not telling you to do it. Whether people say that it doesn't matter whether you are ready or not, it really does. What I'm saying is that you guys should think really hard about the future well being of you guys with or without a baby.
We got pregnant (unplanned) when I was 23. We've both moved up in our careers, we bought a house, beautiful wedding this summer, and life is great -- DD is 2 1/2 now. Life really can go on, even with an unplanned pregnancy...I'm very grateful that we had the baby.
I had a totally "oh shit my life is over" reaction with lots of tears when we found out, but I'm so happy that DH wanted to have the baby. I hope that you are able to make the right decision for your life and relationship, but please don't think that you will lose everything if you have a baby. There's always a way, and it's honestly not unrealistic to believe that your life will improve even with an unplanned pregnancy.
You're saying that money is your main problem, since you make WAY more than your FI. Will he be making more than you in 5 years? How about 10? If he's reached his income potential (which isn't a bad thing--I work in childcare where $15/hr w/ benefits&holidays is the top of the market) what will be different if you decide to try for a baby in 5 or 10 years?
On the other hand, if he's a student and in 5 years he'll be the breadwinner, I can see where the issue is.
Good luck in whatever you decide!
@FutureMrsRoos: I am sending you strength and love to make your decision. I agree with previous posters. Sit by yourself and journal what your feelings are. Talk with your FH and trust what he tells you. If he will support your decision either way, that's fantastic. I can understand why you would question that, but it sounds like he understands where you're at.
An unplanned pregnancy is a very scary thing. I've been there, and it takes a lot of time to make a decision. Take your time making this decison.
xo
@RayKay: Great advice.
OP, I don't have anything to add but I am sending you hugs and support, whatever you choose.
My FI and I have had this talk before and it is very scary. If we got pregnant tomorrow he would be enthralled - no doubt about it, no questions asked. Me on the other hand loves kids and one day I want a whole bunch, but at this point as a new graduate with mounds of debt I can't imagine bringing a baby into this world. IMO the best thing to do is sit down and have a long talk with your SO. There is a resolution to this, it's just buried under a lot of frustration, fear, and overall panic. Just take the time to block out everyone else and carve a space for just you and him to talk openly and honestly.
Good Luck!
Sleep on it, spend a few days to soak in the news before you make any decisions - you have time. Make a list of pros and cons with your fiance. But, I'd sleep on it for a few days and come back to it when you are freaking out and in shock. GOod luck! Whatever you decide will be okay and life will move on.
That really sucks. I am so sorry. I hope you make a decision that works for you, because typically, the mother ends up doing most of the child-related chores and child-rearing.
I hope you think carefully before you make any decisions. Are you close enough to your parents to talk to them? Maybe they will be willing to help you financially. I also have to ask, if you didn't want children right now why werent you on BC or using protection or even the pull out method, I know how it is to get caught up in the moment and I know its irrelevant now but ............. I hope that whatever decision you make you allow your SO to be apart of it, Afterall it is his child too.
I just wanted to share my story here. Like some of the other ladies my FI and I had our son unplanned when we were 22. I had all the same fears and cried A LOT. I really can't stress enough how distraught we were. We were not ready. We both did not even have jobs at the time and were broke paying for school. However, having our son has been such a huge motivator for both of us. FI and I both work full time now and our son is in school. He is the main motivating factor for me to kick total ass in everything that I do. I've been promoted 3 times since having my son (he's 2 1/2) - and I thank him everyday. I'm 24 and the youngest person in my position at my company. Yes, finances are tight and we still have our struggles, but to me it is so worth it to have him here. He is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us (even though at the time it seemed like the worst) It's funny how things work out like that.
IMO a little sruggle makes you a stronger person. We're getting married this year and it is extra special to us after everything we've experienced in our relationship so far.
Does it always work out like this? Maybe not. But if you give the effort, it can.
I don't know your situation - but I do want to tell you it can be done if you're willing. Either way it is YOUR decision and whatever it is try to have no regrets and don't let anyone bring you down. Surround yourself with people who will support you and your decision.
Most negatives can be turned into a positive.
The only thing I can say that hasn't been said is this: You are worrying a lot about him resenting you if you make the choice to abort. Don't make light of the fact that if you keep the baby, and you really didn't want to - you may resent yourself, and him for that as well.
I hope you can be at peace with whatever decision you make. I myself had my daughter at 22, and though it was hard at times, and I was broke - it was worth doing it. That may not be how you see it or how you would feel afterwards. You may find that you didn't mess up your life, but just need to alter your goals to suite the cards you have been dealt - make lemonade out of lemons as they say.
Ultimately you need to make the decision that will be best for you both and the baby, not only what's best for your fiance. \And make a decision that you yourself can live with. I wish you luck in making your decision and in whatever it is you choose to do. Just remember you're not alone. Many have been in your shoes and many have made one of those two decisions. You don't have to decide today, take some real time to figure out what is really best in your situation.
Your life will never be the same with a baby. Things will be much more complicated (and expensive!) with a child, who needs and derserves a lot of attention. You have options. Please choose carefully!! 23 is very, very young to be a mother.
One of my best friends gotpregnant at 18 and she badly wanted an abortion. She ended up keeping her baby and she receives help from her family and friends. I had my daughter at 20 and it has been tough but she is my greatest joy. My fiance and i occassionally struggle with bills, but we get by. However this is not for everyone. You could look into an open adoption.you would only have to take a very short leave in order to have the baby.
@FutureMrsRoos: Before making any decisions, I recommend quietly reflectly on this. You don't want to make any quick decisions, as it will change your life, and I assume the dynmaic between you and your fiance. Keep in mind the old saying, "Everything happens for a reason". Sometimes we don't know the reason right away, but life is meant to work out in that particular way. I don't know what I would do if I was in your situation, but I'm sure you'll make the right choice, whatever it is. Best of luck!
@FutureMrsRoos: Just to add to pros if you do decide to keep the pregnancy. One is in Canada we have one year paid paternity leave now so you would be covered (partial wages) for that length. It can be taken by the mother, father or a combination of the two so your FI could stay home instead of you! Two, the child tax benefit is a great help (income based) and three, there are also childcare supplements as well for when you go back to work.
There are lots of people that continue to work even with small children and Canada is one of the best places to have a child with our healthcare and extended leave.
This topic has been closed to new replies.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Happy_luv | 10 |
| Sophiekins17 | 7 |
| slc201329 | 7 |
| Janielum | 5 |
| distracts | 5 |
| EternalRomance74 | 5 |
| DelilahDiamond | 5 |
| gramgeek | 4 |
| MrsPaulsBabyBallerina | 4 |
| This Time Round | 4 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| mariematt | 1 |
 echolove |
1 |
| ForeverBirds | 1 |
