(Closed) Just found out I am pregnant…. why am i so sad?

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, first off, congrats on the baby! It IS exciting πŸ™‚

Secondly, I’m really sorry about how he reacted. That is honestly just really gross to me. You are going to be his wife, and it sounds like in that moment what you really needed was support, not criticism. If I was in your situation I would have been freaked out of my mind, and I totally understand. Missing a day or two of birth control is a mistake we’ve all made, and it was definitely unfair of him to come down on you like that.

Is there any one in your life you could tell? I know you agreed not to, but it really sounds like you need the support of someone who you actually know. So many things can go wrong in the first few months, and this is stress you really don’t need….

Again, I’m sos orry you feel this way, but good luck, and congrats again!

Post # 4
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It’ll be okay. Not everyone has a great first reaction. It was a shock and he acted shocked. That hurt your feelings, which is valid. Right now you two should take a few weeks to let this news settle in. Then you can figure out what you want to do about the wedding and the baby. If you want to have the big wedding, you can do it in 4-5 months and still be married before the baby comes. Just take it slow and figure out what is the most important to you and your fiance. And congratulations!

Post # 5
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Butrflyblu:  First off, congratulations.  

I’m sorry you’re FI is having a hard time accpeting the fact that it was a mistake (even though skipping one pill is a big oops too).  You shouldn’t have all the blame for this because it does take two to tango.  I wish he could find the excitement in this instead of making you feel guilty and treating you this.  I don’t think it’s healthy if it does continue though.

Please try to count your blessings regardless of how your FI feels.  A baby is a precious gift from God and you two can make it work.  It may not have happened when you wanted it to, but it is what it is now.  Make the best of it.  

I hope your FI comes around.  Perhaps write him a letter explaining your feelings again.  I’m sorry you’re feeling alone and I wish there was more that I could do to help.  I wish you two the best of luck.  Please do not make yourself crazy thinking you did something wrong. You two can get married now by a JOP and plan a wedding later.  Nothing is impossible.

Post # 6
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Congratulations on your wonderful news!! πŸ™‚

I’m sorry he reacted the way he did, he was completely out of line. But at the same time, that was probably his gut reaction before he thought things through. And clearly after he calmed down and thought it through he was happy. I know it’s hard to forget those nasty things he said to you, but you need to forgive him for it. My DH is the same way, when I cry and freak out about stuff instead of hugging me and telling me it’ll be okay he snaps at me and blames me for the state I’m in. He just doesn’t handle someone crying in front of him very well…. =/

You can always get married at the JOP now and a few years down the line have a vow renewal so you can have your dream wedding :).

Post # 8
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I know it’s an exciting and scary time.

I do not agree with how your FI reacted and I think he was extremely out of line. Was his behavior out of character for him? Or is this how he acts when things don’t go his way? If his behavior was out of character then I think it’s something you can work on by communicating and even seeking couseling if that would make you feel better. Some times guys have a different way of reacting to pregnancy whether they are trying for a baby or not.

I’m sorry you are sad and things aren’t going as planned. You and your FI need to figure out what is best for the 3 of you now. Sometimes when people are expecting a child the funds for a dream wedding just don’t make sense anymore. Maybe you could more your wedding up and just have a smaller more intimate wedding. It could still be beautiful and you don’t have to just go to the JOP, but you could scale back and only include those closest to you.

Is you mom or your best friend good at keeping secrets? I wouldn’t usually recommend going behind your SO’s back but in this situation you really need someone close to you to talk to.

Post # 9
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Congrats!

Do not apoligize to him first off. You are an adult, a woman, and a mother to be. You don’t have to have to apoligze to him because you missed birth control, he should be careful REGARDLESS. You have to accept whats going on if your going to keep the baby.

I think he flipped out because he was scared, which is natural. He shouldnt have acted that way, at all, no, but I understand. I think he came home and just held you because he probably realsed that he messed up, and that hes getting ready to have a baby.

I personally don’t believe in you two going to the JOP because you got pregnant and don’t want a baby out of wedlock. Guess what- You made a baby when you werent married. Getting married isn’t going to fix that. It will do the math one day. Say huhm, I’m 10 years old and mom and dad have been married for 9 years and some odd months. Don’t give up your wedding dreams because of it.

If you want to talk to your mom, talk to her πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Butrflyblu:  honestly, I’d tell her. Maybe leave out the part about FI, only because it doesn’t really paint him in the best light, and mothers are like elephants, and never forget when someone has wronged their child.

I just really want you to tell someone who reacts POSITIVELY because I think it will make you see the whole thing in a much better light πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Whilst he shouldn’t have takeen it out on you, I’m sure it as much as a shock for him as it was for you.

I see no reason why you shouldn’t be able to confide in your mum, you said she can keep a secret and it sounds like you really need the support.

Congratulations on your news.

Post # 12
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just want to add that our baby was 100% planned and DH practically ignored me for 2 days. He didn’t even say anything when I told him other than “are you sure you are reading the test right” and then he went off to work, didn’t call and sort of ignored me for those 2 days. He thankfully didn’t say anything hurtful, but I was expecting excitement and I sort of had a moment of OMG what did we do. Well he eventually came around and just explained that he was in shock and now he is so giddy every day at the thought of being a father.

Post # 13
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Butrflyblu:  I’m sorry he reacted this way and hope you two can come to an agreement, but I just want to throw out there – without getting this too heated or debatey- that you DO have options.  Good luck with whatever you decide!

Post # 14
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

@Butrflyblu:  Hey!

Hormones will make things worse, but in all honesty, you guys had a fight about it and both of you were in the wrong (him angry about missing bc and you saying termination) and guys are, quite frankly, so SLOW to new ideas (Men DONT like change!). I have taken psychology courses on just male and female relationships and behaviours, and your man’s reaction was that part in his brain that is telling him “Man, WTH…I just proposed and it took me awhile to get used to that and now a baby…too much..overload…overload…overload.!!!!!)

 

He just couldn’t process it. Seriously, it sounds like he has calmed down and didn’t react well…but, you guys will get through this and you need to be strong together and learning together. The biggest turnoff to a dude emotionally is sending him info on how to be a better partner. He feels like you are judging him by doing this and I have heard countless guys say how they feel belittled by their partner that they don’t know how to parent, or hold the baby, or do this right..so they jsut put their tail between their legs and do nothing!

 

(I am NOT saying you are doing this at all…just for the record!!!!)

 

What I am suggesting is to just hold his hand and be like, “we are in this together, I am sorry about missing my birth control, it was a complete accident, and I am so in shock like you…let’s figure out this together…go to the library get some books  I guess, and set some money aside for a romantic honeymoon since we are not having a big wedding (Why not jsut go away and elope in your second trimester?)

πŸ™‚ Good luck, everything will work out fine, dont worry, he is a guy πŸ™‚

Post # 16
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

While he reacted badly, it’s kind of understandable because you really should have told him that you messed up your pills (it’s no longer a “one in a million” thing if you weren’t taking your pills properly). Unfortunately, other than the termination he doesn’t want you to have, there’s nothing you can do about the situation now. Shotgun weddings have been pulled off in the past, I’m sure you can find a way to put something together. You can also have a really lovely elopement, or a classy intimate gathering, or you can convince him to wait.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really think you need to go easy on him and let it go. If you were relying on him for birth control and he messed up and didn’t tell you, you would probably freak out on him, too. That’s a pretty major failure to communicate/failure to be open and honest.

Things will be okay, you’ll figure out a way to put everything together. It may not be what you envisioned, but visions don’t always work out (in my experience, they rarely work out lol).

Oh, and TELL your guy that you need to have a woman to talk to. Most people tell their parents before they tell the world. You should at least be able to talk to your mom.

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