Post # 1
I wasn’t expecting a shower because they’re not done in my family’s culture and my Maid/Matron of Honor lives in Hong Kong – too far to plan one. Yesterday, I found out that the rest of my amazing BMs would like to throw a shower for me. I am beyond excited, but also a little lost, because, assuming that I wouldn’t have one, I’ve read nothing about shower etiquette.
My question is about inviting FI’s family. I only have one family member here in the US who will be coming (my mom). My BMs and a couple of close friends will be invited as well. From FI’s family, we’ll also invite FI’s mom and stepmom (no drama there at all) and perhaps his aunt. However, is there any obligation to invite other female relatives who are coming to the wedding? His mom’s family is huge, so there would be 7-9 other female relatives. These aren’t aunts or first cousins or grandparents, but rather second cousins, sisters of grandparents, etc. I’ve met all of them, but I don’t know them well, and inviting them would make them the majority of the guest list. Most importantly, the shower is going to be at a nice brunch/tea place, and I really don’t want to burden my BMs with the extra cost.
Fiance was not happy when I mentioned this – he says if my BMs want to throw me a shower, they have to invite these relatives. I thought it was ok to have a smaller event with just moms and aunts. What is the etiquette here?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
Hm, I am little torn. I think I would say first, if it is important to your fiance, you should probably invite them. Do you think they will actually come? However, if you really want the emphasis to be on friends, and the only other relatives who will be there are moms and aunts, I would say it would not be rude to not invite those other relatives. The most important thing here seems to me to make sure that your fiance is on the same page!
Post # 4
I am not the best person about this, I don’t know the official rules.
First, here is what we are doing:
We are doing two showers. My moms friend is throwing me one for all the adult women. This includes all of my family members as well (even out of town). My BM’s are also throwing us one more for our friends on the guest list. I have a lot of friends that are out of town but we will still invite them so they feel included. Between the two showers, all of the female wedding invitees will be invited to a shower.
Second, thinking logically:
If it is a huge burden on your BM’s I would say no, don’t invite them as long as it doesn’t cause a rift in your FIL’s family. Maybe this can be less of a shower and more like a bridal party get together. It sounds like adding these extra relatives would almost double the numbers for the shower and that is hard. I would say you don’t HAVE to invite the extra family members.
If it were me, I would include everyone and see if the BM’s can do something cheaper. Maybe they can use someones home and re-create a tea party like setting. Part of the shower is to help you get to know your new relatives.
Post # 5
@eriqua – yeah, they would likely come.
@caszos – Unfortunately, not an option to hold it at someone’s home – here in NYC we have tiny, tiny apartments that are definitely not big enough for a shower 🙂
Would love to hear more opinions, I am really confused about this 😐
Post # 6
If there aren’t any options for a cheaper shower than I would suggesttalking to your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law. Maybe describe to her that due to budgets your bridesmaids (who are being very generous as it is) can only afford to invite x # of guests and this does not inclued the 7-9 extra guests. Is there a possibility she would step forward and offer to pay the extra cost for those guests?
As I said before, as long as it doesn’t cause major conflict between you and your Fiance and/or new IL’s then it should be fine not inviting the extra female relatives. Keep it a small intimate group.
Post # 7
I agree with caszos. It sounds like the big problem here is the funding, which is totally understandable. I would just tell your Fiance that and see what he says. Maybe his mom will offer to poney up for her extra guests.
OR, she could host her own shower for you. More than one shower is not uncommon.
Post # 8
Maybe your bridesmaids can reach out to your future mother in law for help with the shower, maybe she can help pay a share of the costs so that you can invite those relatives.
Post # 9
If your BMs are hosting the shower I would perhaps ask them what the guest # cap is at. Since they will be splitting the costs of it you shouldn’t invite more than they can afford? Know what I mean?
SO excited for you!
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice! I like the ideas of suggesting a separate shower for all of FMIL’s relatives (just counted them up and it’s like 12 people!) or asking Future Mother-In-Law to help contribute to this one if she really wants them there.
Do you think it would make sense for Fiance to be the one to talk to his family about this? I thought that I’m not really supposed to be involved in the planning, and my Bridesmaid or Best Man who is organizing the shower does not know FI’s family at all.
Post # 11
First, I think you probably do need to invite FI’s female relatives as a courtesy. They probably expect to be invited, and you don’t want to cause any issues. However, if the cost of the shower would be too much for your BM’s to host on their own, then is it possible for Future Mother-In-Law or an auntie to help co-host? Maybe Fiance can call up his mom and mention that you would love to have the female family members there, but your BMs can only put XX amount towards the shower and see what Future Mother-In-Law says. Maybe she will offer to help on her own? If your Future Mother-In-Law is anything like mine, she is probably dying to help with something anyway and maybe you can put her in touch with your Bridesmaid or Best Man so that she can assist them.
Or, does anyone (FMIL, aunt, cousin) have a larger space that your BMs can host the shower at? A common room or anything in their building? Or can your Bridesmaid or Best Man find a place where you can bring in your own snacks? I’m just trying to think of ways to bring the cost down and still be able to accomodate more people. You don’t have to provide a full meal- light snacks and dessert/punch is perfectly acceptable.