Weddingbee boards

A few days ago my husband got an e-mail from his mother.  It was a huge long rant, and much of it was cruel accusations towards me.  I always had the impression she was not fond of me, but my husband insisted that was just her personality.  I am a big people pleaser, and have always tried really hard with his family.  I always offer to help out, am as pleasant and polite as possible, and try hard to fit in.  Her and her sister (they are inseparable) are the only ones that seem to have issues with me.

The e-mail accused me of being rude during my (FEBRUARY!) bridal shower, thrown by my aunt.  She complained about having to attend prior to coming, and insisted her sisters and their kids be invited.  They attended, and all sat together in the corner of the room away from other guests.  They complained that I did not introduce them to people (though I would have had to parade people by their seats as they did not mingle) and that I 'threw' their present aside in favour of my mother's.  I hate opening presents in front of people and painstakingly made sure I read each card, and thanked each person individually, remarking on how much I liked their present and why we had wanted it.  I know I did this with theirs.  They then rudely complained to my aunt that she needed to serve the cake because the shower was too long and they wanted to leave.

She complained bitterly about our wedding.  She said she felt like a 'stranger' and the rest of her family did too.  She said my side was all 'obscure people'.  Their side actually outnumbered my side.  I think this is because she tried to make my husband invite random guests that he did not want there.  She complained that we didn't allow her and her sisters to be involved in the wedding.  She only told us her sister wanted to be involved 2 weeks before the wedding, and we DID give her a task (which she didn't do properly anyway).  She never called/e-mailed/talked to me about the wedding, and when she told my husband she wanted to be involved and we asked her to hire the bartenders, she didn't do it and I had to scramble and get some friends to do it a couple weeks before the wedding.  She also was angry we did not come early to help her cook thanksgiving for her husband's family, despite the fact we had 3 thanksgivings to attend, AND I volunteered to help several times when we arrived, but she would not let me.

There were many parts attacking my husband, accusing him of not loving family members for various reasons (his grandfather is old and going to die soon, his sister is only a 'half' sister, he is jealous of others etc).  She accused me of not respecting her AND her family, of not 'allowing' him to spend time with his family, and not loving him (!).  I'm not sure where she is getting this all from.  We don't see them often and she has never called our house.  To be honest she doesn't really know me very well.  I have no problems with their family (other than this!) and have never told him he can't spend time with them, nor that he can't talk to them.  In fact, I have encouraged him to be in contact with them, but they actually make little to no effort to contact him either.

I am not going to get involved in this argument, but I don't know what to do next time I see her.  When I had suspected she didn't like me, I was already sick and nervous every time we had to see her.  How can I see her knowing she hates me and thinks all sorts of horrible things about me?  Do I say anything to her or just pretend it didn't happen?

I agree about killing with kindness.  Don't lie about anything or inconvenience yourself for her, but definitely keep doing what you are doing and asking for recipes and cooking for my Future In-Laws has gotten me in so good with them I'm already in the family pictures (and they were taken before we got engaged).

Thanks guys.  I honestly feel so lost about this whole thing.  She has always been sort of a strange person but usually fairly cordial, however she talks about a lot of family behind their backs and gets in fights with various family members.  I guess it was only a matter of time before our turn!  I'm gonna try my best to keep doing what I'm doing (and continue bringing bottles of wine, Miss Peach Tree :-D ).  I am already stressed about the next time I have to see her.  I wish you guys could actually see the e-mail, I read it to a friend and she was speechless.  *sigh*

Man, I wish I could do the recipes, but she doesn't really cook!  Darn it!

I would mention to her that I saw her e-mail and felt hurt that she didn't come to me with her problems. That puts you as the bigger person.

It certainly doesn't seem that this is about you, so don't let it get to you. She clearly has issues.

I agree completely with the "kill her with kindness" approach. If nothing else, it will make it obvious to everyone around her that she is the unreasonable one, and you can stand tall knowing you are the bigger person.

It takes time and patience, but I have found that being consistent in that approach will eventually "break" even the most bitter person. They just can't bring themselves to continue being mean in the face of constant kindness and generosity (well, unless they're completely delusional/paranoid/mentally ill, anyway).

Good luck, and hopefully your FH stands behind you 100%!

i agree, i would avoid mentioning the email and just kill her with kindness. and be thankful you don't see her too often! what does your husband think about the email? how does he feel about his mom?

@Brianalaura: I'm sorry you're dealing w/ a MONSTER-IL. I have one too.

I can tell you right now, nothing is ever going to change. I hate to say that, but after 7 years I'm finally coming to that realization myself. I, like you, have tried SO hard w/ his mother (again, like you, the only person who I've always had a problem with) and she still despises me.

My MIL also pulled shit a our wedding as well, and we have yet to speak to her since. She, and also your MIL, are the type of people who ALWAYS feel the are justified and in the right. They can do no wrong, but everyone else is always wronging them.

If you feel the need to go around her, act like you know nothing. Ultimately, your husband is the one who is going to have to deal w/ his mother. There's nothing you can do. He needs to be the one to step up to her and tell her to cut the crap. He will have to be the one to give her an ultimatum and to follow through.

I would never keep my husband from his family but damned if I'm going to let her treat me like crap anymore. My husband understands and agrees, and it may not always be like this, but I need time. And you may need the same.

@moderndaisy - I did socialize with them at the shower, but there were a lot of people there and I guess they felt I should have spent more time with them and less time with other people (I think they were more angry that they weren't 'introduced' to everyone rather than that I 'ignored' them).  She sort of mentioned this in passing to my husband after the shower, and I did feel terrible.  I didn't want them to feel ignored and I certainly was not trying to make them feel this way.  I think it might have been a bit of a different-family issue also, as my family is the type that mingles and introduces themselves around, and I guess his family is not like this?  They aren't introverts but maybe they are strict on introduction etiquette or something, I'm not sure.

@pb&j - he is angry and upset about the e-mail.  There have been a lot of issues in the past where she has treated him badly and he has not said anything because he didn't want to get into conflict with her.  He asked me not to tell my family about the e-mail because he is extremely embarrassed (I won't and I haven't told them).  The e-mail he sent back covered a lot of the issues she had and other issues he has wanted to bring up in the past but didn't.  Her reply was that she could 'defend' all of those issues.  He apologized that she felt this way and said he respected her feelings, but she did not reciprocate this in her 2nd e-mail.

@CaraMia10: Ahhhhh you are my horrible MIL BFF!  Hahaha.  My husband is definitely on side with me and is dealing with her himself, I'm just feeling worried about the next time I have to see her!  I'm sorry you have had these issues too.  Blech.

@Brianalaura: LOL! You can always PM me when you feel the need to rant, I understand!

I'm so glad your husband is on board because that would break you guys so fast if he wasn't. It sounds like you are a much bigger person than I am, lol. I just refuse to go around her anymore. Which is going to be very difficult as her and my husband's birthdays and the holiday's are coming up. I secretly think she LOVES when I'm not there for those sort of things. The other posters have said to kill her w/ kindness and I agree.

I just wanted to let you all know I've read all of your posts and I really appreciate your feedback.  I'm going to try to further discuss this with my husband, but I think I'm leaning towards the 'killing her with kindness' approach and try to pretend like it never happened.  I sort of want to address it as I'm curious if she would improve with an apology, but it will be hard to apologize when I feel like I did little to nothing wrong.  Why are some people so angry and love fighting with their family?!

I'm so sorry! This sounds like issues she has had looooong before you were in the picture! What on earth did she mean by "obscure people"?!? Good grief....

Like others said, maybe the kill-her-with-kindness route may be helpful for a bit. However, don't expect her to be receptive to that because she sounds like an unhappy person overall!

@Brianalaura: Oh, this is very important - do not apologize if you don't sincerely believe you have done anything wrong! That would only validate her invalid assessments of you, and condition her to create more drama to get more attention in the future.

Killing her with kindness is a little different. I agree that it may not work with a truly disfunctional person, but the goal is to make her look so ridiculous in her criticism of you, that she just has to tone it down. Good luck. :)