Post # 1
On Easter Sunday at my hubby’s sister’s house, I walked down to the bonfire and heard a mutual (female) friend say to my husband “so does your wife know about us?” And my husband responded “no, it was what, 20 years ago?” So then they saw me and it was silent. His sister was there too, so its not that he was alone with this woman at the time. Somehow, I managed to not make a scene, until we were 5 mins from home and he asked me if I had a good time. I said I did, but that I didn’t appreciate the conversation I heard at the bonfire. He said “I don’t know what to say” so I said “how about you start with an apology” and he refused. He said it wasn’t his fault, had no clue why she brought it up. So he was on the defense, and now I was at fault for getting upset! Here’s my problem. We live I my husbands home town. All of “our” friends are actually “his” friends, but we’ve been married for almost 10 years and we have 2 kids, so we all do family things now. This woman has been to my home, our kids go to school together, and her and I are both on the P.T.A. Board at the school. I’ve never ONCE thought or worried about her, she’s married with 3 kids, but I am so furious now, that I was in. The dark on their past! I worry that all the other school mom’s know, and that im just the dumb wife who goes out of her way to help. I own my own business and I even hired her for a short term project! Anyway, I need my husband to understand my pain right now. I feel really deceived, and im trying to “forgive” something he did long before he knew me. Do I try to discuss this again (now that he’s sober and had time to see that im not going to be mad forever) we’ve maintained conversation and been kind but there’s obvious tension, and I can’t imagine being intimate with him right now. I’ve got to get back to the love, but this sucks! Any help would be so so so appreciated!
Post # 3
This was before you ever met him, right?
It was rude of her to bring it up at the bonfire, but it’s really not that big a deal. Everyone has a past and twenty years ago is a pretty long time. Are you insecure about this woman for any other reason? If not, I’d just drop it.
Post # 4
Oh, that would totally suck and I feel for your pain. But you’re going to have to put this aside. If it was 20 years ago, it is totally irrelevant now. And this woman is ridiculous to even bring it up to your husband, so I feel for him, too. Obviously it wasn’t important to him if he never mentioned it to you. Remember, you are his WIFE. She was utterly out of line to bring up the topic, especially at such an inappropriate time. Both of you have every right to be furious at her. But, please, don’t take it out on your husband, it’s not his fault and he responded appropriately. If you’re not comfortable with her being part of your life any more, then keep your distance from now on. Or talk with her and let her know you overheard her and you don’t appreciate what she said, at all. She needs to get over it, good grief, it was a lifetime ago, she shouldn’t have even brought it up (what a loser!). ((HUGS)) Be upset, that’s normal, but don’t let it affect your marriage. Just keep this person out of your life from now on, if you can. She sounds like potential trouble. Try to put yourself in the situation of how your husband must feel, if an old flame of yours did that to you, it wouldn’t be your fault either, so don’t be too hard on him.
Post # 5
I understand being upset that he didn’t tell you…but it was 20 years ago. You say you never worried about her before this, and I honestly don’t think you should have to even with this information. How old were they? Was it a long term serious relationship? A fling? I don’t think anyone would see you as the dumb wife because again, it 20 years ago. If you do discuss this with him again stress that you’re upset because he kept this information from you, and then try to move on. It happened before you guys were together so you really can’t hold it against him.
Post # 6
That was an odd thing to bring up. What good could have come from saying that?
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
As useless as this is going to sound – just let it go.
Everyone has a sexual history, and it seems clear by the two sentences that you heard of that conversation that your husband’s relationship with her is in the past.
My FI’s HS sweetheart and ‘first’ is one of my bridesmaids and a good friend. I know they slept together, but I don’t dwell on it.
I really don’t think he owes you an appology for something that this ex of his brought up in the first place. Your basically asking him to appologize for something he did 20 years ago. He seems more than capable of leaving the past where it is – it would be benificial for you to try and do the same.
Post # 8
I’m going to be honest here and say that you can’t really get upset with something that happened in the past. Especially if it was a one time thing. My husband and I grew up together, so we know pretty much everyone that the other has been with. We made an agreement that whatever happened before we were officially together, neither can get mad about, or use it against the other person.
It happened in the past, sounds like before you even knew him. You are all adults now, and from what it sounds like, doesn’t even matter to either of them if you are just finding out about it now. Not sure why she would bring it up, but again, you can’t get mad at him for something that happened so long ago
Post # 10
I don’t see what he has to apologize for. This was before he met you presumably and she was the one who brought it up. You also don’t need to try to forgive him, again he did nothing wrong. Be surprised and decide how much you want to interact with this woman going forward but other than that I think you just need to let the past stay in the past.
Post # 11
Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.
Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.”
I Corinthians 13:4-8
Let it go, hun
Post # 12
Your husband probably didn’t tell you about it because it happened so long ago and this woman OS a continuing part of your lives, so he didnt want to make things awkward. Now that you do know, realize that it doesn’t matter and try to get over it. Of nothing has happened with this woman in so much time then she’s really not a threat at all. Also, don’t be mad at your husband for the conversation you overheard, he isn’t the one who brought it up.
Post # 13
why would she bring it up at all? That’s just dumb.
And I can see why he may never have brought it up to you. Awkward
“hey, hon – you know Cindy? Well, I hit that 20 years ago”
Post # 14
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but the others are right.
Would you have felt comfortable being friends with her if you knew the truth? Probably not – so why make an issue out of something that isn’t really relevent.
She shouldn’t have brought it up – but honestly, his answer back only proved that he thought it was a ridiculous thing to say.
Everyone has a past. You’re his present, and that’s all that matters.
Post # 15
Have you guys ever discussed your pasts? If he didn’t mention it then I would be a little miffed but in all honesty you don’t know what happened. Everyone around the bonfire were probably talking about old times and something came up that reminded them of that event. it might have just been a drunken make out session.
I think to clear the air you should ask him what went on but you should in no way hold it against him or the friend since it was so long ago in the past.
And since from your post it makes it sound like you considered her a friend up until you found this out I think you can take it that your H has good taste in women (since you thought her friend worthy). He is happily married and so is she and that should be th end of it.
Post # 16
You’re mad that he slept with a woman 20 years ago? I dunno, seems silly. He did not say anything because it doesn’t matter. I would get over it. Don’t ruin your marriage over it.