Post # 1
Okay so here’s my story. I have been married almost 5 years and we have been together since 2005. He moved in with me about 3 months after we started dating….we had known each other since 16 in highschool…otherwise that wouldn’t have happened so soon. We lived together for 2 years before getting married and during that time he paid no bills or rent at my apartment. He had previously been living with a roommate but when that roommate got married he moved in with me. Both our parents did not like us living together, we were both 30 at the time. So he proposes, we get married and fast forward to present….I’ve never really liked my ring but didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But recently we’ve talked about upgrading it for our 5 yr anniversary. I’ve known all along that his parents were really pushy about us getting married, mine were the exact opposite and just didn’t like him period but they have since accepted him. He didn’t ask my Father’s permission etc. His parents thought very highly of me but since we have been married I haven’t been real close to my inlaws. So I find out the other day that his parents bought my engagement ring and he never paid them back or paid anything on it. And honestly I don’t think he’s ever had any intention thereof. He said they told him he didn’t have to. Now his parents are tighter than the bark on a tree so my ring isn’t a real stunner…shocker there. But what I’m hurt and upset about is I feel like this whole time this ring was a gift from his parents and it didn’t really come from him. He said he picked it out but I know they had an influence on how much to spend etc. For him on the other hand, I bought a ring that was almost 1K with 6 diamonds and spent my own money on it. I have thought all this time that he used the money he saved up from living with me to buy the ring and simply brought his parents along for their opinion. I am also the breadwinner in the house if that makes any difference to what you are already thinking. So there you have it….don’t you think that is pretty messed up? OR do you think I’m being silly about the whole thing? I just feel like that’s not right and its the whole principle of how I got the ring that bothers me the most. As for the size I can change that lol!
Post # 3
I would be pissed. He lied (by omission, but it’s still a lie) and he dies t seem to eat b to take responsibility for his parents’ actions. Make HIM pay his parents back and then get the rung that you want.
Post # 4
I think that would probably bother me, but it doesn’t seem like it should be a big shocker in this case since he sounds like a bit of a freeloader.
I recently found out that my dad had my mom’s parents buy her engagement ring and promised to pay them back, but he never did. That’s why she never wore her rings while they were still married.
These situations suck.
Post # 5
You need to have an option in your poll: Make HIM pay his parents back and upgrade your ring.
If you’re going to be the breadwinner the least he can do is be the husband… Engagement and wedding rings are HIS responsibility just like his wedding band was yours.
Post # 6
Wow. He doesn’t sound very mature. I think you have every right to be pissed.
Post # 7
I don’t think I would be upset if I found out my FI parent’s bought my ring. I think that it would let me know they were happy to have me as part of their family and look at is as a welcomming present. As long as it still signifies love and commitment. As far as an upgrade I say go for it let him pay for it. If his parents don’t want to be paid back use the money towards the upgrade… or get the ring they bought melted down into something else and put some more money in it towards getting what you want so it is still the original ring. I kinda think they real issue is the whole freeloading thing. I think that will probably get real old real quick and you have to do something about that.
Post # 8
He should pay his parents back. What a lazy, lying ass. If he didn’t spend his money on the ring then what did he spend it on? Sounds like he wasn’t contributing much toward your all’s household expenses since you thought he was saving the money.
If I was in the situation I would take a long, hard look at my relationship and probably go to counseling.
Post # 9
I completely understand how you feel. It may sound silly to some, but that would really upset me too. My SO is tight on money, as am I, and he won’t let me help out with the ring (it’s one tradition he’s stuck on) and I’ve been fearing that he’ll ask his parents for money. He would just say “I have ways of getting money”, and other vauge things. I recently found out where he really plans on making the extra money but the whole time I though it was his parents and it upset me. I love my FILS but something out knowing that they paid for the ring would be weird to me.
I would have him offer to pay his parents back and explain that you (as in both of you) have decided to upgrade now that you are both financially able. They may insist that he not pay them back, but I think an offer should be out there. If nothing is said to them and they just see that you have a new ring then they might be offended.
Post # 10
It would bother me if my DH hadn’t bought my ring. It’s one thing to have a meaningful family heirloom but it’s another to have his parents front an engagement ring when that’s like the first token of your married life together. Honestly, I would rather have no ring or a cheap meaningful ring (like a thin little gold band from Etsy) than a more traditional ring that his parents had to buy for him (secretly).
Post # 11
Oh wow….what an ass. Out of principle, I’d give him the ring back and get him to buy you a new ring. I’m so shocked that he’d let his parents pay for your ring, it’s just completely wrong when it should signify so very much.
Post # 12
Agree with pp. If he had borrowed money and paid them back, then meh. My dad did that with my mom’s parents. But not ever making an attempt to pay them back for a gift HE should be giving you as a symbol of his committment and love? Not ok.
Post # 13
Crappy situation. Especially because you’re just figuring it out. But I do think it’s nice to know how supportive your in-laws were! I would sit him down and let him know that you aren’t comfortable accepting a gift like an e-ring from your in-laws and so you want to pay them back. And upgrade your ring to something more your taste.
The whole “whose money should be used to pay it back” thing is a little different. If you’re the breadwinner does he take care of the house? Cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shopping, laundry, etc? If so, then I think you just have to consider the money as “our” money and save to pay back his parents and upgrade your ring. If he is not contributing to the house then he needs to get his butt in action and start contributing either around the house or by earning money so that you can pay back his parents.
Post # 14
I understand being upset. But at this point – you’ve been married 5 years, I wouldn’t cause a HUGE stink about it. But I would #1 make a plan to repay his parents. That’s only fair. And #2, I would ask him to pick out a new ring for you that you both love. Explain to him that it isn’t about the money, but about the thought. You had this sweet notion in your head that he did the work, picked out the ring, paid for it, etc – and now to find out that it isn’t true hurts.
Post # 15
Ugh I chose #2.. Pay his parents back and make him pay for your upgrade!!!
My DH had our best friends mother offer to pay for my ring and he declined.. It would bother me if he had taken it
Post # 16
I don’t really see a problem with his parents purchasing a ring. However, I think maybe you are upset with him that he is not better with his finances and it is manifesting itself in this ring situation? In other words, I don’t think what happened with the ring is really a problem and I don’t think that is what the problem is. Also, I am not sure that he was lying- unless of course he was actually lying. However, if that is just what you thought (that he purchased it) and you never directly asked him, I am not sure that he was lying. I would think through what the underlying issues are and talk to him about those, because it does seem you are no happy with the way he handles funds, or his lack of making them, or whatever it really is.