Just got engaged and mom's already assuming things…I don't know what to do!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 4
6448 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Say something now so that she doesn’t ‘invite’ more people. Just tell her you are planning on having a small wedding.

Post # 2
1806 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

Just be open and honest with her. You should be old enough to talk straight with your mom.

Post # 3
42101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

runner_girl:  I would speak up now or you may have a lot more to deal with if you don’t reign her in.

If you and your FI are paying for and hosting the wedding, your Mom is being inappropraite in extending invitations.

Sit down and have a talk with your Mom. Tell her that you are likely budgeting for a small wedding and you would appreciate her checking with you before she makes any decisions or pronouncements about the wedding.

Post # 5
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

runner_girl:  Congratulations!!

I think you should definitely mention it, and soon. She probably does just assume which isn’t the end of the world so long as you don’t let her assume for too long! Just remember its your wedding and you get to decide. Its much easier to make sure everyone understands that from the beginning!

Its very easy for things to start spinning out of control when it comes to weddings and guest lists so if you have your heart set on 50 then be strong and stick to it. The day should reflect everything you and your FI want 🙂

Enjor this time, its so special and so fun!

Post # 6
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Like you said, you just need to tell your mom, “We haven’t finished the guest list and I think it would be better if you stopped talking to other people about our wedding before it has been decided. As soon as we finish the guest list, we’ll let you know so you’ll know who you can talk to about it.”

I had to do the same thing for my small wedding/large family. Can’t say it worked 100%, but it still had to be done.

Post # 7
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

‘Mom, I’m so happy that you’re as excited as I am! But with our budget, we are thinking that we are going to stick to a very small guest list, so please don’t invite anyone else without checking with us first’

Post # 8
4 posts

Tell her your thought in a good way, and she will understand. Hope you find out a good idea both you and your mom are pleased with!

Post # 9
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

runner_girl:  I would nip this in the bud now. If you let her tell people they are going to be offended when they aren’t invited. Just try to be nice about it, of course.

Post # 10
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

First of all, it is VERY uncomfortable for anyone having to un-invite anyone.

So, communicate NOW. “Mom, I appreciate how excited you are about our recent engagement! Could you please try to relax and let me enjoy being engaged? It’s still sinking in.”

Then, voice about how you would prefer her to talk to you FIRST before extending an invite/ announcing about the upcoming wedding. (Be SURE she’s on the same page with you.) Say something like, “Mom, it’s going to be a fun, small and intimate wedding.”

Here’s how I handled a 150 guest list that was growing to beyond 170 people:<br />Have 2 waves of invites. 1st wave = people I really want to be there; i.e. family and close friends.

I got a lot of Yes and some No’s. That gives me room to extend the invite to the next wave of invites. Now, I’m down to 149 people — within capacity.

Talk to your mom about her expectations of the wedding — it helps to know where others are coming from — without coming off as being controlling about the wedding invites. If she wanted an excuse to see family; i.e. family reunion, she very well could host a party before or after your wedding.

Post # 11
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I understand how you feel, me and FI are on a tight budget too, we won’t have more than 30 guests. Talk to your mum, be honest with her, remind her that this is your wedding and she cannot invite everyone when you can’t afford to cater for them.

Post # 12
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

‘mom, x and i are thinking of having an intimate, smaller wedding – around 50 guests. i know you’ve been talkingn to people and i want to make sure that you’re not inviting them – x and i haven’t made our guest list yet’.

Post # 13
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If this becomes a bigger problem… Maybe you and your finace could travel to CA after the wedding for a BBQ reception/party hosted by a family member there?

Post # 14
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Definitely talk to her!  Tell her that you and FI are still figuring out what you want for your wedding, and while you love that she’s excited about jumping in and helping out that you’d like to keep things quiet until you’ve made the decisions that are most important to you first.  Remind her that invites are over a year away, and (up to you) offer to spend time on the guest list with her so that she feels like you aren’t pushing her out but that you value her suggestions and will consider them when the time comes.

My mom was a bloody moron, and posted on a family facebook group that ‘Jen’s wedding is in two weeks, feel free to come join us’, and then couldn’t understand when that was upsetting to me.  I didn’t invite my entire family and although we only had about 50% of our invitees RSVP that they’d be attending, I really didn’t want to ‘b list’ anyone, ESPECIALLY with a tasteless facebook post.

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