Post # 1
This is going to be a long one. So if you read this whole thing. Thank you and it’s seriously much appreciated.
Lets start with a little background before I got engaged. This is everything I found out afterwards obviously because I had no idea when he got the ring or anything. FI father is someone who is stuck in his ways. He just wants everything his way and if you try to tell him different he’ll just cut you off or ignore you.
FI father really wanted my FI to propose when we went on the cruise with his whole family so his mom could be there to see it. FI didn’t want to because I would not be able to call home or enjoy it with my family. I’m super close with my mom and sister so it would have been more disappointing for me than exciting. So FI knew what I would have wanted and did it privately in our home and that night we were able to meet up with both our families and share the great news. We get there and his dad seemed extremely disappointed. Didn’t even say a word and went downstairs. I just brushed it off. Everyone else was excited and told me they knew all along. When we got back in the car to head over to my moms house I asked FI about his dads reaction. He then explained to me that he called his dad that morning telling him he was going to propose that day and his dad tried to talk him out of it and was being selfish, he was making it about what he wanted instead of us.
So….. ok now to the rest of it, now that you realize how his dad is. So after his dad came back upstairs an hour or so later. They asked us if we we’re thinking about a specific date. I said no, it’s only been 3 hours. He then said “Why don’t we just pick a month now”. At that point I wanted to be like “WE!?. Side note: FI and I are the ones paying for our wedding.
Ok, moving on. Then his father says that we should be getting married in a church. I kindly declined and said I prefer to have the ceremony and reception in the same place and that without belonging to a certain church it would be a little uncomfortable for me. Then he started AGAIN (I think at this point it was for confrontation). “You don’t believe in god? My grandkids WILL be baptised”. I was like “We will cross that bridge when we get there”. His response? “We’ll see”. That pissed me right off. ONE. FI dad hasn’t stepped foot inside a church in over 20 years. He is not connected to god in anyway, this was about having CONTROL over something. TWO. They’re MY kids!!! Would I love to have them baptised and a part of a church? YES. But don’t TELL me what I have to do. Afterwards I mentioned we’d probably be looking at winter 2014 because most venues are already booked for Saturday evenings in 2013. They said that I should just do a Friday wedding then and that people will just have to take off work. Kindly smiled and said “maybe”. ( NOT happening) Then I also mentioned that I found a place with really cheap packages that included open bar. Their response to that? “I wouldn’t do open bar, if people want to drink make them pay.” I explained that it was something I wanted and I didn’t want guests to have to worry about alcohol. I mean after all they’re taking time out of their day and giving you a gift too. They didn’t seem to like that and the wedding talk faded there.
I have never disagreed with FI family (outloud….). I have always bit my tongue. For over 4 years but enough was enough and I have a feeling it’s going to get ugly as the wedding planning gets more serious and closer. Am I wrong in any of this? Do I have a right to feel frustrated? I don’t even bring up the fact that I’m looking at venues or anything because I don’t want to deal with the drama or opinions. Opinions are one thing, demands are another…
Post # 3
You have a right to feel frustrated, but it’s up to your Fi to sort out the relationship with his father, not up to you. Your Fi needs to explain to his father that, while his input is welcome, you two are calling the shots, and you need to give your Fi the space and time to do that. Let your Fi know how this is affecting your relationship with FFIL and ask him to please establish some ground rules. Then let him do it.
Post # 4
A bit of advice, brush it off, have a talk with your FI and make sure that he puts his foot down with his father and FI is on YOUR side. For 1, you don’t have kids yet, so whenever you do, that you and your husband’s choice, not his or your IL’s choice.
If you don’t want to get married in a church, that’s not his decision. If he loves his son, he will be there at his wedding to watch his son get married, whether it be in a church, or on top of a building, he will be there.
I was married for 10 years. I had meddling IL’s. My xDH never put his foot down with his parents. He was a mama/daddy’s boy. They came first, blood came first before the family under his roof (hence why we are now divorced). Word to the wise, please just talk to your FI and do what the TWO OF YOU want to do. That is what matters now (wedding) and later (raising children). It’s your wedding, and those will be YOUR children. He raised his, he has to let you raise YOURS
Post # 5
What did your FI say? Seriously, it sounds like he needs to have a real conversation with his dad about the fact that you two are adults who will be making your own decisions about the proposal, wedding (that YOU are paying for), and your future children, and that he cannot talk to you in that manner!
Post # 6
oh my! sorry about this, they sound like they are going to be a handful! Have you considered a wedding planner? They can help “smooth the waters” when dealing with family members becasue the suggestions (or orders) are not coming directly for you. I’m not sure if something like that would be in your budget if you and you FI are paying for the wedding yourself.
Post # 7
Welcome to planning a wedding . Everyone, everywhere, will be giving you your opinion and letting you know anything you already decided on is wrong. People you never even thought had an opinion will be telling you “what you should do!”
I was told I should have a morning brunch. A lobster bake on the beach. A venue way outside of our budget. A pot luck. A BBQ. A sitdown. A buffet.
I was told I should have open bar, beer and wine only, cash bar, and no bar.
A Saturday wedding, a Sunday wedding, a Friday wedding, a midweek wedding.
We aren’t even religious and I’ve heard from everyone as to what to do there. Also my dress is too expensive, too cheap, too over the top, too boring.
For some reason, when people hear “wedding,” everyone, regardless of age, emotional investment, or gender, becomes a wedding planner.
Unfortunately this is just the beginning… but it becomes much easier when you learn how to tune it out and just made your own decisions.
You can’t make everyone happy. So just make you happy!
Post # 8
There is a simple answer to this. Treat them like a regular guest. They get an invitation, but no further information. They can find out the details just like all the other guests.
Post # 9
Well, the good news is your FI proposed to you when HE wanted to, not his dad. As long as you and your FI make your own decisions together you can’t go wrong.
As obnoxious and upsetting as he is, you and your FI are all that matters, your FFIL can go run away and stomp his feet when he doesn’t get his way all he wants. Let him, keep communication open about this with your FI and always have a united front.
Post # 10
@BLynn: i would ask you fiance to talk to his parents privately about it
also just dont tell them any details that they don’t NEED to know, if you are paying for it, it should not matter
me and my fiance are paying for basically everything we are making all the decisions and if someone doesn’t like it, i just say that it is our wedding
my parents are paying for the catering for us though, so we did let them help us pick a caterer. thats it
Post # 11
@BLynn: Oh my Goodness – I swear, I had the same conversation with my FFIL the night FI proposed to me! (Our conversation with him was over the phone though because we live six hours away.) We said we didn’t want to get married in a church – he flipped his shit and said since we’d both been raised Catholic (but haven’t stepped foot in a church since we were 8….) we’d be having a Catholic wedding. We said we wanted an open bar – he flipped his shit again and said we would not be having an open bar. He ended the conversation by saying “you realize, FutureMrsC, that this is not a television wedding. You cannot have everything you want.” It was such a disaster, I ended up crying in a corner somewhere and poor FI was just caught in the middle.
After I calmed down, FI and I talked about it and really came together as a team. We outlined all of our reasons for wanting what we wanted, and we calmly explained them to FFIL. He still pulled a pout – at one point he even said he wasn’t coming. (This is his eldest son’s marriage, the first in the family… it’s a big deal.)
After a few more conversations with FFIL, where FI expressed how important these things were to us, and adding that, since I was going to be his wife, he would be siding with me on these matters, his father eventually came around. (I should add though, FI actually said at one point ‘fine. we’re doing it our way, if you don’t like it, don’t come. your loss.’ I don’t think he meant it, but I believe its what finally snapped FFIL out of his control-freak ways.) It might take a similar ultimatum from your FI to make his father realize that this wedding is about the two of you, not your inlaws.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone for the advice! I do feel like this is going to be a never ending battle! @futuremrschartrand your post is so similar it’s eery!!
Post # 13
Your FI needs to be the one to tell his father and family to back off. You can do it, but you risk being branded as “the reason their baby boy is pushing his family away.” Story of my life, seriously. If they make demands, your FI can say, “Whoa, I don’t appreciate it when you make demands about our lives. You are entitled to have opinions but not demands over our lives. Many times I even agree with you!”
Post # 14
You were right to say something. I would have said more. My FI parents can be very overbearing, and have NO filter. I find them to be a bit strange honestly, we were raised so different. Knowing my FI I have NO IDEA how he was raised by those people.
I totally get where you are coming from. Just make sure your FI is willing to back you up on your choices in the future and all should be good. This is your wedding, your future marriage, and your future kids. It should be YOU and your FI only. You can listen to advice or opinions but it doesn’t mean you have to do it. I feel for you.
Post # 15
I think you are handling the situation quite well. I agree with PPs who suggested that you speak with FI about it and have him talk to his dad/parents. I can kind of identify w/your FI in a way…it hasn’t been until we started planning our wedding that I’ve had a crash course in setting limits w/family. I don’t think you should sit back and be quiet…your responses were polite and firm. Good for you! Just breathe and keep focusing on what you and FI want. I remember a post on here once that used the term keeping it “family professional”…that has helped me somewhat. Good luck!
Post # 16
@BLynn: Wow. I am in the exact same situation except it is FMIL that is being ridiculous. About two minutes after we announced our engagement she started in. She asked how long of an engagement we were planning, and when I said less than a year she lost it. She actually said to me: “A year?! You can’t even set a date for another year! A year isn’t enough time for ME to decide what kind of wedding I want to have!”
Excuse me? What kind of wedding YOU want to have? I believe it is MY wedding.
Anyways, I feel your pain. I have learned over the past month that it is honestly best to just not mention it unless necessary. Every time it comes up FMIL begins to attack us about how we are getting married way to soon (we’ve been together over 3 years) and how we are ruining our lives, etc. I want on the verge of either punching her or cussing her out so I just decided to shut it (as ridiculously hard as this is) and try to avoid the topic at all costs.
I’ve decided to kill her with kindness. Just smile, nod, and completely ignore everything that she says. That is the best way to deal with completely unreasonable people in my opinion.