- 4 years ago
Like the title says, I just had a baby. At 2:03 in the afternoon.
It’s a little (LOT) overwhelming.
And I’m finding it hard to sleep. I just would like to talk to someone. Someone that’s been through it all or at least can empathize.
I’m an emotional mess. I guess everything is setting in.
It’s just hard because I had a fever so they won’t let me see her for 24 hrs. And my fi and his mom got to hold her. I ask a billion questions and got pictures and learned that she snorts but I’m happy and painfully sad at each moment.
I held her for a total of less than five minutes as they stitched me up. It’s a really bad tear as well. But I just keep replaying her face in my head (totally crying now) rubbing her cheek and shushing her cries, telling her that mommy loves her and she’s beautiful. It’s just taking its toll on me to have that moment and now have to wait for another one.
There going to let him bottle feed her tomorrow. And I’m just trying to cope with my emotions. I’m hoping she’s in my arms. I get to feed her and hold her. And not be alone in a room crying wishing I could just share all those firsts with my fi like I wanted to. That she feels her mommy’s chest and heartbeat. And heard daddy’s voice. That me and him can bond over our little girl.
My fi is going back to work tomorrow as well. His mom is going to drop by again, but even so, I just feel alone and out of place. I can’t get my brain away from her, and the jealousy I feel towards everyone.
I have to stay here another two days. I’m hoping and praying my fever stays away so I can finally have my baby and not just a picture of her not have to live through others time with her. I’m hoping we get released together.
Sure I know some will say she won’t remember so what does any of this matter? It just does. And I’m surprised that my emotions are winning over my logic.
I’m also absolutely frustrated at my attempts to pump. The nurses say it just takes time. I know it does. It is just frustrating to feel like you’re failing at it all. I’m fine with formula or donated milk, but the fact I can’t supply my own is just adding to the layers I’m trying to hard to cope with.
No amount of research could have helped. Sure I’m knowledgeable but the emotion and feeling is throwing me for a loop.
So if anyone feels like sharing there experiences, or just feel like telling me to get over it, that my experience is nothing, your welcomed to share. I just needed to let it out and hope someone answers back.