(Closed) Just joined…already taking a break.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

How old are you? Do you know right now whether not having children will be a huge issue for you in the future?

Post # 4
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

How long have you two been dating?

Honestly, whether you want kids or not is a dealbreaker.  If he doesn’t want kids and you do, then you two need to go your separate ways.  He’s not perfect for you if you two don’t have the same goals in life.  Sorry 🙁

Post # 7
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

@wonders10:  Well, at 36, I would think he should know one way or another whether or not he wants kids.  Wait, you have been together for 6 months and living together for 3 months? Well, that is a very short period of time. So I would think he needs times.

ETA: You two should be able to have a straight forward answer about the kids discussion. If you want children, then that could be a deal breaker. In regards to marriage, I personally would not make any decisions BEFORE being with some for at least a year, but that is just me.

Post # 8
Member
6316 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

You need to sit down and think carefully about having children, and if it’s what you want, or what you assume you will want; the two are very different.

I used to think I wanted kids, because, stupidly, I believed there was no choice, and that it was just ‘what people do’. I then came to the realisation that actually, it is a choice, and that actually, I have never truly wanted.

I think a lot of people have a rose-tinted view of parenthood; my friends are fabulously naive about what it entails and how much work it is. For me personally, not only am I missing that ‘drive’ to have children (the biological clock is something I have never and will never understand, likewise broodiness; I have never been remotely maternal), but I don’t like children, and having them would also impinge on my life in a hugely negative way, as the things I want to do are simply not compatible with having children (unless I win the lottery and can farm them off to a nanny, in which case, why have them anyway?)

So I would start thinking about what you want from life, and if having children is one of those things you want, and further, if having them would prevent you from doing other things you want. If you have a deep-seated drive/need for children, and you beleive that not having them will ultimately make you resent your partner, then you need to move on. If however you feel you can genuinely be happy without them, that’s great 🙂

My OH was actually in the same position as you; only, we were already engaged and had been together for 5.5 years when I realised I didn’t ever want them. He had to do a lot of soul-searching, as he’d assumed he wanted them/would have them. I gave him a realistic view of parenthood, explained how I felt, and said he needed to walk if he couldn’t be happy without children. He thought long and hard, and realised his reasons for wanting children were not good ones, and that actually, having them would impact negatively on his life and stop him doing a lot of things he enjoys, for little reward or return. I believe that were he not with me, he’d probably have had them; but I think he’d possibly have regretted it.

Post # 10
Member
6316 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@wonders10:  Don’t be fooled into thinking all parents think it’s worth it, because plenty don’t, and plenty do regret having children; sites like Truu Mom Confessions are proof of that, as are various blogs etc. I’ve even had parents tell me not to have children: and they didn’t seem like they were joking. So assuming it will be worth it is dangerous IMPO; it might, if it’s what you really want, and if you cannot imagine life without them; if you can imagine life without them, and don’t 110% want them, you could well regret it.

I personally could never cope with the sleepness nights, the lack of freedom, independence and money, etc. Any benefits for me would simply not outweight the sacrifices I would have to make (and that would be asusming I liked children and was on-the-fence about having them). The simple fact is that having children brings with it huge lifestyle changes; you say that you can have weekends away and lie-ins with children; knowing many people with children I can tell you none of them get lie-ines until their children are much older, and few can afford weekends away; and when they do go away, it is on a ‘kid friendly’ trip, wraught with the stresses that children bring (packing their nappies/bottle/formula/food/pushchair/etc etc, dealing with questions and demands, doing what they want, not what you want). I get that some people would love this; me? I’d hate every second of it.

But only you know how you feel. If you feel for one minute there is a chance you will end up resenting him over this, you should leave.

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Take some time to really think about what you want.  Neither of you should be pressured one way or the other.  listen to both points of view – those that think kids are a burden/ regret having had them and those who think they have made their lives infinitely better.  Both sides truly exist out there and you need to do some soul searching antht hunk about where you fall.  Because you don’t want to wake up in 5 years having just given up on something that might be really important to you.

fwiw, I was an “on the fence” person, never liked babies or kids much, cound only see all the downsides to kids etc etc.  now I have one,  have never for a moment regretted it, and he has brought more joy and happiness to my life than I thought possible.  All that said, I could have easily gone the other way and lived a perfectly happy life, completely convinced that I was avoiding the drudgery of kids.  One scenario that doesnt work though, is that I would never ever want to have kids with a partner who didn’t want them.

eta:  while what Barbie says is absolutley true of some parents, it is not at all what our experience of parenthood is like.  It is, however, everything I was scared it would be like.  I wish more people told me how fun it was vs always focusing on the harder stuff!!    please don’t let people scare you away, but also don’t jump into parenthood unless its what you really want!!

Post # 12
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

@Sunchick19:  + 100

I haven’t found parenthood to be how barbie described it either. It’s given my life a whole new dimension!  But I do agree its not for everyone and that also to some extent you can’t miss what you never had.

I’d say just think carefully, you don’t want to resent him later on. 

 

Post # 14
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

WOW, this post really hits home for me.  I agree w PP’s that it’s different for each person and you need to really think it through and determine what is right for “you”, not your mom, not your family and not you SO. 

My experience is that when I was younger I dated my highschool sweetheart all through college and we moved in together after college and I was set that we would be married by 23, have the first kid by 24 and 2nd by 26.  As you stated, “its just what people do”. I am from a small rural town and that’s just the way of life there.  Well, he passed away when we were 23 so my “life” was gone…. all my plans/fantasies were stripped away.  Needless to say I was LOST, it took me many YEARS to heal from losing him and losing that “life”. 

BUT, it gave me time to reflect and really look at what I wanted out of life.  And boy oh boy did I go back and forth on the kid issue for ALL the reasons listed above.  Ultimately, I have decided that I do want kids with DH but we are realistic about it, we aren’t romanticizing it and we know it’s going to be challenging, hard and crazy but hopefully worth it 🙂

Good luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
2743 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

I’m with others on this especially barbie. You sound like you like working with kids but also handing them back. I have one child from a prior marraige. I love her, but she’s a lot of work. I had periods where I felt like I’d like another, but now she’s almost 10 I’m just not interested anymore. I dont think I could personally handle more than one child, I just cant. I like having my own life and I love sharing with her but another small child would really interupt that and I would start all over again in child rearing where I’m half done. Having her was the best decision I made she’s made me a better person helped me to see the world differently, taught me about real love including loving myself. However fiance who thought he wanted little kids after meeting me realised my kid was enough. He’s very solitairy and he’s older than me. His drive is just not there to raise 2 kids at once. At my daughters age we can travel with her etc. So we’ve decided for multiple reasons including health (i am not reccomended for future pregnancies) to not have any kids. I think if you do want a child this could be a deal breaker for your relationship, or you agree to one and done if he’s open to that. However it sounds like you may want a kid because you feel it is expected of you. Lesson I learned by marrying my baby’s father dont do something because people expect you to do it, do something because you want to do it and its the right thing for you (not the right thing that society expects).

Post # 16
Member
5310 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@wonders10:  Well, the sentiments of those who only profess joys may be exaggerated as well!

When I was younger, in my 20s, most of my peers who had babies and young children only talked of the joys too. Something changed in my 30s and as those same peers now had older children and I cannot even keep track anymore of how many, without any instigation, have advised me if they could do it all over, they wouldn’t and who encourage me not to have children (even before knowing I am childfree). Perhaps the years wear on them, things get harder, or they no longer desire to pretend or get others to do the same as they. I have no reason to doubt their sincerity, or that of those many who admit similar on anonymous forums and so forth.

One can “like” and be good with children and still not want them.

I am childfree, it is something I fully realized after I was already married. Until then I was a procrastinator who figured I would want them one day, but felt anxiety about that one day! My reasons are many and I will not go into them here as this is not about my reasons, but suffice to say I felt a weight lift as soon as I determined I was not going to have them. I talked to my husband, and while he too had thought he wanted them, and is great with kids, he too kept thinking way into the future (he was about 36/37 at this point already. He know feels the same as I, especially after talking more with friends with children and having spent time with our nephews the last 3 years.

Do not rush your choice. Take your time, talk to your SO, read about parenthood and childfreedom (I really liked “I’m Okay, You’re a Brat” written by a parent, for example). Lurk parenting sites but make sure to go beyond new baby time! Go to the On The Fence forum at The Childfree Life (it is a more balanced CF site than some others). Neither choice is wrong as long as it feels right for you.

 

The topic ‘Just joined…already taking a break.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors