Post # 1
so earlier this year I got married. I’ve been with my now hubby for about 6 years by the time we wed, and knew him for longer. Were both stuborron and hard headed people so we always get into fights and such. Lately it’s been really draining on me because I feel like he’s a bit selfish and only thinks of himself when it comes to most things. Another big issue that I have is that he overly worries about everything! He’s totally hypochondriac or close to it. And it doesn’t matter what I say or do to attempt to calm him, he gets very agitated and it only causes him to get super defensive which just spurs another fight. He wasn’t like this when we were younger, but as he’s gotten older it’s gotten worse.
To to make things even more errr interesting, we were both virgins till we wed. (Were both in our 30’s and I got married when I was 30) we basically got off on foreplay/oral, etc. (and yes I know some people don’t consider that being a virgin but that’s not the point) I don’t believe in chemical birth control or implants. I attempted to learn NFP but was not consistent with it so we just stuck to condemns. Only hubby is too embarrassed to buy them. (Side note I’m slightly allergic to laytex, prefer the non laytex but we can’t seem to find a size in the non laytex that fits and is easily found.) so basically we’ve done the deed only a few times since weve gotten married and if I don’t buy the condoms it just reverts back to what we used to do before we got married. Granted the few times we did do it, I didn’t get much pleasure but I expected to need practice for it to feel better. It just never happened. At first I didn’t mind going back to the way things were, but now I feel like I’m missing out. Like were not close.
I just feel like I’ve given up, were not close and he’s not trying. Everytime I talk about it he either gets super defensive (so cue fight), super mopey like he’s a bad husband, or just tells me hes going to try harder. I do most of the chores and we both work full time. He always procrastinates and says he’ll do something and then doesn’t Etc. (gosh this makes him sound really horrible. But he really is sweet and kind.)
im just not sure what else to do. I feel we both have issues and their just not being solved and it’s just driving me away. I guess I thought I needed a guy who loved me, since my ex stayed with me out of obligation and never really loved me. (So I have issues with that. I thought they were resolved but maybe not.)
what would you do? Suggestions to improve things other then martial consoling or divorce. I am beginning to consider counseling. I just… I dunno. I’ve tried everything to give him his confidence back. He has none. and I think that’s a huge issue as well.
I just dunno. Help?
Post # 2
It sounds like neither of you are very comfortable in your own skin or with sex in general. It’s going to taking wilingness, openness and relaxed exploration on both your parts to develop a thriving intimacy. I would suggest a sex therapist, probably in addition to a regular marital counselor.
Also, for real he’s embarrased to buy condoms!? I don’t get it.
Post # 3
Counseling. Both couples and individual. Sounds like there are lots of underlying issues on both sides that need to be addressed.
If you are allergic to latex (it sucks, Im allergic as well) and can’t find the proper condoms and refuse birth control you might want to look into the NFP route more seriously. Or him pulling out.
Post # 4
Dunnowhattosay: sometimes men get used to climaxing in one way and have a hard time doing it any other way. Even though you were technically virgins, you were having sexual relations leading to orgasms for a long time. Your husband needs to reprogram himself and you probably do to.
I’m going to say something kinda harsh, but this is an anonymous board, but it’s a little concerning that you were together for six years before you had intercourse. I’m not judging you, your husband, or your beliefs, but it makes me wonder about your overall sexuality. Most people cannot take six years of foreplay, they would EXPLODE! All of the sexually abstinent people that I have ever known got married in under a year.
Since this situation is really depressing you, it sounds like you really want to explore that side of yourself. My fear is that your husband doesn’t want to. Please do get some counseling.
For now, go online and buy yourself the Rabbit:)
Post # 5
I know leaving a side of yourself unexplored will only cause more problems in your future. Please talk to him, try to see past his defenses and try to make the conversation productive. I left a side of myself unexplored for four years, I was in this relationship for almost 6. I was only happy the first two years, and I lied to her and I lied to myself. Now, with some hard work, I’m finally moving on with my life, and getting to see that side I left unexplored, and I’m only sorry I waited so long, and that I caused someone uneeded pain. I tried sex with a man (my BF) for the first time at age 24, (I’m 25 now) and it’s amazing.
SO! Try talking to him again, if he gets defensive just explain to him you’re not criticizing him, and that you want to work together to solve this issue. If you’re not getting what you need pysically, you’re bound to make mistakes, like cheating, and hurt him even more in the long run.
Post # 6
I’m not offended by anyone’s response but I am a little confused. Is it really that difficult to thin I’ve abstained that long? I abstained for 5 years with my prior ex. I was willing to cave for both but it never happened. (Maybe I just chose weird men.) but if we were satisfied other ways I just don’t understand why it’s that hard to understand. But being as I’ve never had an amazibe time in bed the good ol way I guess I have no where to talk to base my thoughts.
Are some of you guys questioning our sexuality, like I’m gay and he’s gay? (No big deal if you are.) I’ve often wondered if I’m either bi or just asexual. My sex drive has been super low for the past few years so I dunno. It’s possible. But I really have no interest in testing the waters with a woman.
As for feeling comfortable in my skin. I may not be happy with my body (I’m iver weight.) but I am pretty comfortable in it and exposing myself to him. I don’t have much modesty after being shoved in dressing rooms for dress shopping. Lol him I cpuldnt say for sure. At the moment he’s obsessed in thinking he’s over weight. He’s lost a ton of weight. I’m beginning to get concerned caus. He’s just not eating that much cause he doesnt want to go back to that. :/ it doesn’t matter if I compliment him and tell him I love him either way. But I don’t want him being sickly. (He’s not at the moment but could easily drift that way. 🙁 )
what do you guys mean I’m leaving a side of myself unexplored? I’m a bit confused about this part? I know who I am, what’s really not meshing with me is that I enjoy to travel and do new things, and he likes to stick to one thing. He was afraid to drive in a city the other day that we hadn’t been in. Like seriously?? And yeah I don’t get the embaressed part of buying condemns either.
Im a little down this morning because I awoke to him panicking and screaming about something and he thought I was being insensitive when I asked what’s wrong and proceeded to tell him everyone gets stomach aches and sick. I just don’t know what to so other then stand aside and let the storm pass.
We had a huge blow out a while back and basically I’ve already made arrangements with my parents for the incase situation of something happening. I think counseling would be best, but neither of us can afford it. I JUST started working Again after 6 months of being unemployed. So I feel stuck. He won’t go back to his original church but won’t go to another church because he feels he’s betraying his faith. Like I’d at least go talk to the pastor that married us. He was extremely kind and understanding.
I just do not get it. He’s pissed the house is a mess so I might come home to everything in a box. That kind of ticks me off but whatever. What happens happens. Right now I can’t get that upset before I go to work because I need my brain for work. Lol
Post # 7
Dunnowhattosay: It sounds like your husband has some major anxiety problems. If he’s constantly freaking out over nothing and worrying about irrational things, then he needs to see a professional and get counseling and potentially medication. Honestly, I would be less concerned with the sex stuff and more concerned with his overall mental health at this point. He’s not going to be a good partner to you unless he can get is own psychological issues straightened out.
Post # 8
Yea, as SithLady is saying, problems in the bedroom are usually a symptom of problems elsewhere, not the main problem itself. You guys sound really disconnected to me. I don’t see enough information to understand why. What I would suggest though is that you too try to spend quality time together. Can you watch TV together and snuggle on the couch when you get home from work? Can you do chores together? Exercise together? Anything that wil serve to bring the connection back.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
If he’s embarassed (silly) just buy condoms online? There’s a lot more options that way anyways – especially in the non-latex department. I don’t have much other advise, but for sure you can buy them online and have them delivered!
Post # 10
Definitely sounds like there is confidence issues. If you guys arent up for counselling you need to find other in house resources to deal with this.
Maybe you can try to go our of your box a bit with something you know he would like, and maybe that will ignite him to as well.
PLan a at home date night.. with some games (maybe some frisky games too) If you are not willing to be intimate without condoms, you guys need to find another source or else this intimacy issue is not going to get better!
If him not helping out around the house in bothering for you (which i dont blame you) Create a chore chart.. find soem chores around the house you think he wouldnt mind, or make chores around the house yuo two can do together!
Post # 11
Dunnowhattosay: Your husband needs help. He sounds like he could be moving towards a break from reality and that’s seriously scary stuff.
Your sexual situation is alien to me, I don’t understand waiting past 30 sex but to each his own. I believe what PP were trying to say about you leaving a side of yourself undiscovered is what you said about only having sex a few time since you’ve been married. That’s odd. Most (abstinent til marriage) people try it every way they can think of in the first couple of months-because they can now. You explore eachother and eachother together.
PP are right about counseling.. but I honestly think your husband needs meds to get his head straight. Losing excessive weight and then harping on the need to keep losing and fear of going back is not exactly normal, add in the screaming about belly aches and then getting crazy defensive with you.. Hormonal imbalance or something…
Post # 12
Dunnowhattosay: to answer your question. I, too have abstained from sex for years, in between committed relationships. What is odd to me is abstaining for so many years while in a relationship.
I don’t know you or your husband, so I don’t know what your each thinking, but something is off. You answered yourself that you might be bi or asexual. Or maybe you’re just picking bad lovers. The fact that you’ve been in two long term, but abstinent relationships needs to be explored by you (and a professional counselor).
As for your husband, yes, it’s odd that he didn’t try to bang you way earlier. Maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s asexual. I don’t know. But I find it impossible to believe that everything is a-okay with a young man who waited six years to make love to his wife. (My personal inkling, and this is just a guess, is that he might be gay. If he had depression, others would have noticed it be now. No red blooded straight man can wait that long for sex.)
This board is silly. Go talk to a professioal, find the money for it.
Post # 13
SithLady: Completely agree with you.
Dunnowhattosay: Sounds like you both need some counselling. And perhaps you both need to make some compromises in order to make this relationship work.
Post # 14
First, buy condoms online, tons of options, minial embaressment. Next, I guess I am in the camp I find it weird to be willing to wait 6 years in a committed relationship for intercourse. I don’t know that I am necessarily questioning either of your sexuality but I don’t really see the point and feel like something is going on hormonlly, sexuality or severe anxiety/depression issues. I am assuming it is a religious choice since you also don’t want to use hormonal birth control but usually as has been pointed out by others with that sort of religion there is also a committment to a quicker march toward marriage. Also, I don’t see how condoms v. birth control matters? The point is not to prevent pregnancy if you are of that sort of religion.
I really think you need to see a couples therapist to have a more fulfilling marriage. Do you have health insurance? It might cover counseling.
Post # 15
Abstaining was a religious choice for him and a moral choice for me. No birth control is because I don’t want to chemically alter my body. I am not going to stop my periods from happening just cause I want sex. No thank you. The risks are too much and most women over look them or don’t understand that. (But that’s a conversation of another topic entirely.) I know I asked for a little advice on the subject but didn’t expect people to get so hung up on it. Were both old fashioned and traditional That way. So are our families. Also why rush to the alter just for sex. That’s getting married for the wrong reason. We also originally planned on having kids within a year or two. No point in bc if that was the case. Also I can get him raring to go easily enough. He has an odd fetish so he’s very easy to please in that department. Any abstaining on his part is either embarrassment, or confusion on reading me and me being oblivious. He needs to communicate and ive told him this. But like most men his timing is usually horrible. If I initiate he almost always complies, and likewise. In fact I probably say no more often. But that’s because I’m still adjusting to things and I’m tired a lot.
Guess I just wanted insight on the whole idea that sex = closeness thing. And the Catholics or hard core NFP users feel you don’t get that connection if the man doesn’t cum inside the woman. So I was curious since my experience is limited and lacking. But instead people get hung up on the length of my abstinence. I don’t understand it. Maybe it’s ignorance on my part but I never understood why the world is so obsessed with sex, alcohol and drugs. But that’s me. I’m simple and for the most part have no interest in any of that. Maybe I just have a low sex drive. Maybe if I had sex more I’d enjoy it more and want it more. (Something else I’ve read.) I don’t know.
im not going to say I don’t need some sort of help. (I do fight depression every so often.) but I do think its a little odd to think I’m in so much need of it just cause I don’t have sex like normal folks? I mean if I’ve abstained for so long in my life I’m clearly not missing what I haven’t had. Can’t miss it if yah don’t know/have it.
As for his weight loss, it’s due to a change in diet and meds for something that’s come up in the last year or so. It’s nothing drastic. Him not coming to terms with it and figuring out that his weight now is perfectly healthy give or take (preferably to give a little) in the numbers is ok. But he refuses to be what he was. I can understand that but I think he’s taken it too far.
Yes I do feel he has major anxiety issues, possibly more. I’m sure I have my own. No we don’t have insurance that covers any of this. His insurance covers barely anything and I won’t know anything about mine till I qaulify for it after my 60 days or whatever at work. But I doubt it will cover much as well. It’s a small company that I work for.
We discussed things this evening. It seemed to go well but I’m not sure how much will actually stick. I made a promise to stick by him but I told him I’m on my last straws basically. It’s up to him how things countinue because I have a back up plan for myself. I just need to decide when. I kind of know what all the signs are pointing at, but I haven’t reached that point yet. Maybe I am nuts, or maybe I’m too nice. I dunno.