Just looking for some support and perspective

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
220 posts
Helper bee

@andreanb:   first of all welcome to the Bee! Im newish myself, lurked at work for months and then had to vent my head off about something similar and have loved this place ever since.

I dont know the answer to your waiting woes, Im there with you though so I feel your pain!

Maybe try the shut-it-up pact (you’ll find threads here if you search it out), and let him figure it out on his own for a while.

Believe me, you’ll definitey want a ring that you’ll both be proud of and you’ll feel so much better that he’s ready without feeling like you’ve forced it.

Good luck!

Post # 4
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@andreanb:  Welcome to the BEE! 

Also, welcome to my hell. 🙂 I’ve been dating mine for just over 3 years, and can’t get engaged because he wants to wait until he passes a class this fall. Men have this odd thing about being able to take care of us, even though we are perfectly able to care for ourselves. 

You have to decide when enough is enough for you, and if you hit that point, decide what you will do. I would suggest talking to him, and telling him that you understand that he feels ya’ll aren’t ready, but at what point would he feel that you are. This will give you an idea of how long it might take for him to be ready. 

As a side note, don’t be in a hurry for babies. They are great and wonderful, but they are hard work. Enjoy the time with your boyfriend (and then husband) before you bring little ones into the picture.

Post # 5
139 posts
Blushing bee

Even though he may want children as much as you do. Financially, the 2010 USDA average for the first year of life for a baby costs 12,000, plus medical bills. (with insurance working for a hospital my sister paid five grand out of pocket) And if you decide not to work that makes him the only provider for the family. So him taking this into consideration plus a ring and a wedding.. Its a lot to have on anyones plate.

Maybe talk less about having babies and more about just starting your future together as a married couple. He sounds like an honerable guy that wants to do things right as far as a quality ring and the wedding that you deserve.

Post # 6
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@andreanb:  you said: “we’ve known from very early on that this was it, each of us was the one the other wanted to marry and be with forever.”

No, while you are sure, he is clearly not, hence the excuses and unwillingness to marry you. Even though you’ve been clear that a wedding/ring are unimportant. Actions (or lack of them) speak louder than words.

On top of that, there is no real impetus for him to marry you as nothing would change for *him* if you’re already living together,sharing expenses etc.

Sorry, just my 2c.

Post # 7
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@andreanb:  Welcome to the bee!! 🙂


We’re all on the same boat here, so even when we may not have answers to your questions (because they’re our own questions, too) I’m sure you will find here the support you need! 🙂 Girls here are amazing and their comments will help you a lot while waiting!


I have to disagree with @gemgirl6, sorry, but this is my opinion. Just a few months ago, SO was all about he needing a promotion and to be based in Madrid (he is currently based in another city) before getting married, because we needed some kind of estability. I was very sad because I knew he wouldn’t be getting that promotion in less than a year, and that seemed so long.


However, this past month, he shifted his mind, and now he is making plans, looking at venues and talking about us getting married all the time.


By that I mean that, even when he knows you are THE ONE, he may not feel ready yet. We all have our own timings, and that doesn’t mean that he loves you less.


Good luck!


Post # 8
317 posts
Helper bee

I am a waiting bee too… it sucks I know but it’s just a piece of paper. you have the man you love, theres no need to rush it. I told my guy I did not want anything fancy either. but he wants me to have the wedding of my dreams and the ring of my dreams.  he wants to take care of me guys have their own way of doing things… your guy isnt going anywhere just give it time! as far as babies go it will happen

Post # 10
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@andreanb:  I understand the strong feelings and desires that you have in your heart and can relate based on past experiences.  But what I keep reading is what You want, what your Mom wants and what you Believe your SO wants.  But many times we women are determined to hear what we want to hear without truly listening.  Your SO has told you for various reasons that he is NOT ready.  Listen to him.  Respect his right to not want the same thing you want at the same time.  Yes, you have the right to want what you want for your own life.  But he has no obligation to make your dreams come true.  That is your own life’s path and not necessarily his.  If the timing is not right between you two then you have a choice, give it a few more months, I suggest no more than a year without mentioning marriage.  Enjoy the relationship during this time without being fixated on weddings and babies.  If he doesn’t propose, it’s time for you to leave and cease the exclusivity with him and open up your options to dating other men.  But do not tell him about your deadline because as soon as you do it becomes an ultimatum.  It is not his choice, it is yours.  Every woman’s timeline may be different.  But the desires of our heart lets us know when it’s time to go.  Realize the power that you already hold and use it. Best of luck.

Post # 12
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@andreanb:  You found the right board! And the best magic words I can come up with to tell your husband is “abracadabra”. If it works let us know.

Your feelings are valid. I believe that you 2 should come up with a time (if SO doesn’t get a proposal by 00/00/00 well we are going to continue with our life plans. 

Getting married is a big deal. Although some folks may have a story book life where their SO is swinging them down the aisle the day they meet, there are still some folks who love to make sure that they are not making a hasty decision as well as making the necessary preparations to get things done.

I believe you when you said that your SO wants to spend the rest of his life with you and I also believe that he wants everything to be perfect when he is going to make it happen. 

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Post # 13
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@andreanb:  You are welcome.  I think you have a good head on your shoulders and are not trying to force something that does not happen naturally.  Again, only you can decide how much more time to give him.  For example, for me when I was dating at 25 years old, I got the urge to know what was going to happen re: marriage after 3 years of dating.  But when I hit my thirties and knew exactly what I was looking for, I was not satisfied with waiting more than a year and a half for my SO to fish or cut bait.  The key is to base it on your own unspoken timeline (no ultimatums), needs and wants and not to live your life based on HIS timeline, needs and wants.  If both of your timelines intersect at the same point then that’s great.  Some women are honestly happy to be dating a man for 10 or 12 years and don’t feel like they’re waiting for marriage.  But if that’s not you then don’t pretend to be ok with it for his benefit.


I guarantee that when you take responsibility for your own happiness it is very empowering and usually your SO respects you more for not depending on him to live your best life.  My ex, after losing me, still tells me (when he ran into me last week in town) how he never should have let me go and how I made him a better man blah blah.  I’m glad he figured it out but I’m even happier that my FH was the one I ended up with.


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