Weddingbee boards

So I've been having some really strong emotions surrounding the way my FI and I have been relating w.r.t. my family and the handling of wealth lately:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/feeling-confusedfi-is-disapproving

We've talked about many of these issues many times, and after some nice words from other bees our pre-marital counseling session last week I was starting to feel a bit better about things.  But I'm feeling pretty anxious about it again.  Basically, we went to a lovely wedding of a friend of mine this past weekend...and somehow I just felt that it's been a long time since I've felt as relaxed as the bride looked (I'm actually friends with the groom) around my FI.  I do feel that he's fairly judgmental of me and my family.  It's taken so long, I think, to recognize it as judgment b/c there was always another explanation (and I don't think he's been so strong in expressing his opinions until recently).  I thought it was about working out a budget, but I realized that we're actually (very) good at that compared even to couples I know who have been married for a few years.  We did have differences, but we worked out a budget together pretty easily.  I should also emphasize that my FI is not controlling in any way.  It's not in his nature.  So he would never tell me that I *can't* do (or buy) something.  I'm completely confident that will be the case even if I decide to take time off with kids (something we've discussed at length, so it's not just a feeling, it's what we've talked about).  But neither of those things changes the fact that he internally has issues with how I interact with money and wealth, and he occasionally makes that clear. 

My parents are pretty well-off...not like billionaires, but decidedly upper middle class.  That's the situation I grew up around.  His family is not so different in how they lived, except that his dad had a severe gambling problem (he also had an extremely well-paid job so they continued to be able to live a pretty good lifestyle).  And so I think my FI has rejected a lot of things having to do with economic status...but in a kind of extreme way.  And I just don't want to be judged about my lifestyle...nor do I want to marry someone who might speak negatively about that aspect of me or my parents to our kids.  I just don't see that ultimately leading to anything good for either of us.

So we have another session tonight, and we've agreed (I've been travelling for the last 5 days) to really sit down and talk about all of it even after the session if need be.  But I'm just not feeling all that confident about the outcome.  It seems like this should be a minor thing, but I'm thinking maybe it's not.  I feel absurd that it's taken so long for me to identify this issue...I keep telling myself that whatever happens it will be okay.  But it's pretty draining.

Thanks all for your kind words.  I'm sitting at work after a hard conversation, trying to distract myself to keep from crying.

We had a counseling session last night.  I thought it went well...he voiced some things I hadn't realized before.  And I *thought* he heard me when I talked about how I hear the things he says as judgmental and disrespectful and it makes me feel like crap a lot of the time.  But as soon as we got into the car he said he feels that we're not getting much out of the counseling.  And then we proceeded to argue about the very thing that we were talking about in the session (our wedding registry).  He caught himself getting angry and said, "let's step this back".  but then he said he was unable to do that and just needed space (making for a long, uncomfortable car ride).

He's supposed to leave for his b-party tomorrow, and I told him we really need to talk about this.  I can't marry someone if I feel that I am constantly being judged and disrespected by him.  But I was too tired to do it productively then (I just flew back the night before and had had a long flight delay so got almost no sleep and it was late, 11PM).  I suggested tonight, but we had made plans with some friends of his a while back.  I told him we could cancel or turn it into drinks later.  He just called to let me know he's unwilling to back out.  I think he might go over without me now.  He says we should have dinner with them and then talk after, but I'm not up for seeing his friends (who are kind of draining to be around anyway b/c the husband is always complaining about everything).  He suggests that we talk tomorrow morning, but I don't know.  I just feel like he's making this such a low priority. He says he doesn't think it has anything to do with him...and it's just me having problems committing.  I said I'm not sure that he's wrong, but we're in this together so shouldn't we resolve it together.  I feel like I've been trying to voice concerns for months now, and he's not hearing me...and then says, "it's always the same thing".  Like, yeah, so maybe that's an indication this is a problem.

I'm thinking of telling my mom to postpone sending the rest of the invites (I know it's uber late...but why they didn't go out earlier is another fiasco...).  I don't want to make such a decision while so upset, but I'm at a loss.  I know he's not trying to hurt me and that he's feeling hurt as well, but if we can't talk about these things, what's going to happen in the future?

Thanks everyone...we had a marathon talk last night, but it was really good.  It's amazing how much you can misunderstand someone, even while repeating back to them their words (a technique we learned in our premarital counseling).  He was honestly shocked that I felt he was judging me all the time and basically telling me I'm not good enough (or my values aren't).  When I brought up some examples of things he said that made me feel this way, he couldn't believe that I had interpreted them in that way, or that they had hurt me so much.  Like in one particular example I thought he had basically told me I was a snob whereas he was telling me it's that maybe I was being a bit rude/bratty to a person who had no authority (at the airport).  The funny thing is, he also misinterpreted my story...but regardless, it's a big difference to ehar that he thinks I'm a snob vs. he thinks it might be rude to approach someone in a certain way.  And he's pretty shocked I even still remember that conversation it was so long ago...he had no idea I internalized it so much.

He says he knows he can be critical, and that he sees how he's more so with me b/c we are close.  And he wants to work on improving that...b/c he couldn't believe I honestly felt like he was putting me down all the time. He also voiced fears that his values are being trampled on by my family, and that he feels nagged a lot (about housework).

I think these are things that will take conscious behavior changes, but I was actually pretty surprised that he had no clue how genuinely crappy his words made me feel (not just me complaining in the heat of an argument).  We talk about a lot of things...but it's amazing how two people can say the same words and mean totally different things.  He says I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wants to make sure I know that.