- 9 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
So I’ve been having some really strong emotions surrounding the way my Fiance and I have been relating w.r.t. my family and the handling of wealth lately:
We’ve talked about many of these issues many times, and after some nice words from other bees our pre-marital counseling session last week I was starting to feel a bit better about things. But I’m feeling pretty anxious about it again. Basically, we went to a lovely wedding of a friend of mine this past weekend…and somehow I just felt that it’s been a long time since I’ve felt as relaxed as the bride looked (I’m actually friends with the groom) around my Fiance. I do feel that he’s fairly judgmental of me and my family. It’s taken so long, I think, to recognize it as judgment b/c there was always another explanation (and I don’t think he’s been so strong in expressing his opinions until recently). I thought it was about working out a budget, but I realized that we’re actually (very) good at that compared even to couples I know who have been married for a few years. We did have differences, but we worked out a budget together pretty easily. I should also emphasize that my Fiance is not controlling in any way. It’s not in his nature. So he would never tell me that I *can’t* do (or buy) something. I’m completely confident that will be the case even if I decide to take time off with kids (something we’ve discussed at length, so it’s not just a feeling, it’s what we’ve talked about). But neither of those things changes the fact that he internally has issues with how I interact with money and wealth, and he occasionally makes that clear.
My parents are pretty well-off…not like billionaires, but decidedly upper middle class. That’s the situation I grew up around. His family is not so different in how they lived, except that his dad had a severe gambling problem (he also had an extremely well-paid job so they continued to be able to live a pretty good lifestyle). And so I think my Fiance has rejected a lot of things having to do with economic status…but in a kind of extreme way. And I just don’t want to be judged about my lifestyle…nor do I want to marry someone who might speak negatively about that aspect of me or my parents to our kids. I just don’t see that ultimately leading to anything good for either of us.
So we have another session tonight, and we’ve agreed (I’ve been travelling for the last 5 days) to really sit down and talk about all of it even after the session if need be. But I’m just not feeling all that confident about the outcome. It seems like this should be a minor thing, but I’m thinking maybe it’s not. I feel absurd that it’s taken so long for me to identify this issue…I keep telling myself that whatever happens it will be okay. But it’s pretty draining.