Post # 1
I do not know why this has been bothering me for a long time, but it does. I am 31 years old and will be getting married when I am 33. Still within normal range, correct? I have cousins who are about the same age as me (one a few years older and one the same age) who are married, have kids, not live with parents, etc.. Also, my FH’s nephew who is 22 got engaged last year, and he is living with his girlfriend.
This has making me feel totally inferior lately. I just cannot be happy for my FH’s nephew, for example. My FSIL who is 11 years older than my FH is awesome, and I will be asking her to be in the wedding party had him really young. She basically said she did not have an excuse because she got married so young.
I am just like, “when is it my turn?” I have been waiting so long since my FH is a brain cancer survior, and he has to take things slower than most people. He did not want to get married until he was done with school. I know we are in a way (with my income) better off financially than his nephew. We are in our early 30s and still live with parents because of FH’s social security issues. I also do not want to commit to a house/apartment since I have no clue what he will be doing once he graduates.
Also, most of our friends have had or are about to have kids. I know I am only 31 years old, am a successful professional, and have a master’s degree, but I feel like something is wrong with me. In a way, I still feel too young to have kids. I feel like they will not understand once we start trying since it will be harder for me than most. I have rheumatoid arthritis and hypothyroidism plus a family history of pre-term births/miscarriages. It is not going to be an easy pregnancy.
I probably sound really selfish, but this has built up inside me long enough. What is wrong with me? I wish I could find other people who are or have been in a similar situation, but they are far and few between. According to my FH, most people who have survived his kind of cancer are not as independent as he is. I love him to death, but sometimes I wonder. We have been together since 2001, and we really are each other’s best friend. I can’t see myself with anyone else.
Thanks for listening…..
Post # 3
You already have your dress purchased and your venue booked, right? Can you look forward to your upcoming wedding? Everyone does things on their own timeline, so getting married later might be what’s right for you. I’d focus on living your life — move out of your parents house and get an apartment. Most places rent year-to-year and you can find sub-lets that lease for shorter periods. You know you’ll be in the area at least until your wedding almost two years from now, so I’d become more independent which might help with some of these feelings of arrested development you have.
Post # 4
@Cluelessbride10: absolutely nothing is wrong with you! You and your fiance have clearly been through a lot and you’ve managed to make it through, together, stronger than ever. You’re not living with parents because you’re losers or lazy moochers, your fiance has been through a devastating illness and you’re a loyal partner who stuck with him when many others would have jumped ship. You should both be proud of yourselves!
I know it can be hard, but please try not to compare yourself to others. I am 33, and will be married at 34. Most of my friends are married and some already have kids. Heck, in the time we’ve been together, we watched people meet, marry, have kids, and even divorce in some cases! I definitely had a few “when is my turn” moments. But ultimately, this is the timeline that has worked for me and my relationship, we are happy together, and I wouldn’t trade us for anything.
Post # 5
@Cluelessbride10: I think you need to get busy focusing on your own future! Dont be down- youre getting married! Theres always someone younger, prettier, richer- so do yourself a favor and STOP from diving down the comparison rabbit hole.
Make a list tonight of all that youre grateful for- and really meditate on each and every one.
good luck xx
Post # 6
@Cluelessbride10: I’ve had those same thoughts myself before I met my DH. Everyone has a different timeline in their life, some people meet early in life, get married early, have kids early, etc. Some of us (myself included) don’t meet the right person until a bit later in life.
The only advice I can give you is to try and stop comparing yourself with others. I didn’t meet my DH until I was 31, married at 34. But he is absolutely the right person for me and I’m glad I waited to get married to him! One of my previous boyfriends really wanted to get married because he had a certain timeline that he had set for himself – it wasn’t the right relationship or timeline for me, so I had to break up with him. He was married and divorced within the next year! So don’t get too bogged down with whether it is better to get married at 20, 30, 40 . . . be happy and focus on planning your wedding to YOUR GUY!!
Post # 7
@nightborn: Thanks. A lot of our friends have been pretty stable. I met FH after he got out of rehab, but it has definitely been a ride. A lot of people tell us that we are different from other couples, but I do not see it. Also, some of our friends who had kids really young have told me they wish they would have done it my way.
@LovelyCoCoBee: I know I shouldn’t dwell on it, but it comes up every so often. I am lucky right now to not be in a wheelchair and that my FH is doing so well. I know I am not going to be rich and that I am going to be the primary breadwinner. I keep on having to remind myself that my FH’s nephew is just a kid, and I am in a whole different world (and more expensive part of the country) than him.
Post # 8
@emstar168: Thanks – We have been engaged for 7-8 years now so I guess that is what is bothering me too. I know we have our own pace, but it is like come on!
Post # 9
@Cluelessbride10: Aww well I’m happy for you that your FI survived brain cancer. I think that a) we all have our moments when we feel jealous or miserable because we compare ourselves to others, and b) some people were just born into lives that are easier or harder than others. I don’t know if you’re religious at all but whenever things happen, to you or to others, that make you think “whyyy”, I say it’s because God picks those who have the strongest hearts and souls to go through the pain and suffering, even though they’re the persons who deserve it the least. Tomorrow will be a new day, try to focus on your wedding planning!
Post # 10
@Jewelieee: That is what my FH says all the time. I’m not very religious but he can be at times.
@cmbr: I have thought about it but we have 2 years until we get married. I do have both, but my parents Lakewood on guilt tripping me when I try to escape.
Post # 11
You described me perfectly! I just turned 30, and I almost feel like a loser! Like, it took me this long to find someone that wanted to marry me? We’re moving back into FIL’s guest house next month to save money while FI is still in school…double loser!
FI’s baby sister is eight months pregnant and just had a shotgun wedding and she will never have to worry about a thing, it was SO SO SO hard to be happy for her. But I eventually got over it.
In all honesty though, I have also had so many people tell me that I did the right thing by waiting to get married, I am doing the right thing by moving back to FI’s parents to save money and bottom line – that I have heard from EVERYONE – “I wish I could go back and do what you did… or, I wish I had to opportunity to live at home again.”
We may not understand why these things happen, but I do try to look at things on the other side and think, would I have been THAT happy if things were different? I hope you feel batter about all this, you are not alone!
Post # 12
@ShabbyChicBee: I have been told the same exact thing. It is good that we are saving money, good to be older, etc.. I just see my FH’s nephews as always having everything even with my FSIL’s financial issues. They were popular, athletic, etc. while I have always had to work for everything. (My parents always have raised me this way.) It is just frustrating. His nephew even put his fiance’s ring on a payment plan. I know that we are going into our marriage without much debt (other than car payments and student loans.)