Post # 1
I’ll start by saying that yes, I am very insecure. Back when my FI and I met, I had lost a ton of weight (about 80 lbs), I felt fantastic, loved myself, and life. Couldn’t have been happier. Then I gained a few comfort pounds, and then I got pregnant, and was very depressed during, and after my pregnancy. So now I’m a fat short italian new mom (she’s 9 months old now). My FI and I became engaged earlier this month after 2 years of dating. Planning an early 2015 wedding.
Sometimes, especially when he’s at work (he works nights), and I’m sleep deprived, I start to question everything and if he really wants to marry me. His parents still hate me for getting pregnant in the first place.
I have to say that he has done nothing to put the doubts in my head. They just pop up. So I’ll send him a text, and all I want to hear is, “Yes, baby, don’t worry. I love you, and I want to marry you, and spend my life with you.” That’s all I want to hear from him. And he never says it. When I told him I just needed some comfort to put my OCD mind at ease, his reply is, “Get some sleep baby. I’ll see you girls in a few hours. Love you all.” He’s broad, referencing me, our daughter, and his dog. He can’t just say, “Stop worrying! Yes of course I want to marry you. Now get some sleep before you worry yourself to death.”
FWIW, he is 31 and I’m 27. We’re no spring chickens.
Anyway – not really expecting replies or advise. I just needed to vent so I could sleep.
If you read all this, kudos to you. 🙂
Post # 3
I can understand your FI feeling uncomfortable with your insecurity. I would worry about my DH if he doubted our relationship. Have you thought about seeking counseling?
Post # 4
@AlwaysSunny: Yes, I have. My insecurity has a lot to do with his insecurity, though, I think. He’s always afraid to take the next step in life and to grow up. Even in his 30s, he’s shocked when people get engaged. Like we are all still in high school.
I have a lot of issues with fear of being unwanted (daddy issues). Every now and then I just want to be told to stop worrying and that I’m loved.
Post # 5
@Daenaria727: Does your FI fully understand the root of your insecurities and where they are coming from? Guys are not the best at dealing with a girl who constantly needs affirmation, they’re just not wired that way to say the things you want to hear, you kind of have to train them in a reasonable way!
I think it is a matter of telling him how he has to be specific with the way he talks to you because otherwise it can hurt you. At the same time, if you worry too much, it can put doubts in their mind too, it works both ways. So while you sit him down and explain that you’d love to hear things like “don’t worry, I love you, I want to marry you”, you also need to work on building up more self-confidence, learning to love yourself, so that you doubt less and makes you mentally a healthier person! I strongly recommend for you some kind of life coaching or even a therapy session or two (nothing wrong with that) so you have a healthier image of yourself. Anyway, vent away on WB and hope you get some better sleep!
Post # 6
@Daenaria727: also another thing that I do when DH doesn’t say he loves me is that I focus on the things he DOES that shows he loves me. Men show more through actions than through words. It sounds like you have a great FI who is working hard for your family – take heart in that he’s showing love in that way!
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
‘His parents still hate me for getting pregnant in the first place.’
Right, because your FI had no part in the conception /sarcasm. Never mind what they say, and I’m sure they love their granddaughter.
OP, I’m sorry you feel this way but it sounds like lingering depression from the pregnancy, lack of sleep and a lack of communication with your FI. I know his work shift can leave you lonely (my FI gets stuck on the night shift too sometimes and I get lonely) so use the weekend/holidays to really sit your FI and be open. He probably has no clue his all-encompassing ‘love you girls’ upsets you. Ask him to clarify and I’m sure he gladly will.
Don’t get upset over assumptions about your FI.. Talk to him!!!
Post # 8
I think you may need to look deeper into your own issues hun. Might be what helps you the most through this.
Post # 9
@MrsYoshida: I agree. You are aware that you feel insecure and it’s not his fault. I have to say that his parents should not be upset that youuuuu got pregnant. It takes two. It sounds like you and your bf love your daughter so poo poo on them! However, it also seems that you don’t feel good enough. I would suggest seeing an Adlerian counselor. It may be extremely helpful. Just a thought. We all have flaws and it’s ok to seek help to learn to love who you are without expecting yourself to be perfect. it sounds like your bf really loves you, and that’s wonderful.
Post # 10
@Daenaria727: Hugs I have a cousin who over thinks and worries similar to you. I get what your saying in wanting that comfort and even if you “know” it’s nice to hear. Your FI seems to love you and may not know what he should do and feels that the fact he says he loves you should be enough. Talk to him explain your thoughts I did it with my FI a while back when I started to over think everything and everythign that I felt. He understood and explained to me exactly how he felt and that the promblems I may have with myself are my problems and he loves me exactly how I am but if i’m not happy he there to help in me figurign out how to change it. Not beign mean or rude but when you was slimmer you seemed happy with yourself but how you describe yourself now sound like all that confidence went out the window. I would get counseling alogn with a healthy weight loss plan so as I “fixing” the outside I’, dealing with the inner problems aswell. I believe in the saying “you can’t make anyone else happy until your happy with yourself”. I am the type that dont’ care if the in laws like me or not lol FMIL didn’t care to much for me in the beginning of our relationship but things have changed over time. Just make yourself your adorable baby and FH happy.
P.S I know of a guy thats in his 30s and seems scared to get married has been with his GF for 15 years and still seems scared and pressured to marry her. Your guy doesn’t sound liek that form the little info you gave he seemed liek he realised what he has and is ready to grown up. Hope things work out for you.
Post # 11
I went through the same thing with my husband. When we met I had just lost 80 pounds and was feeling great and confident. Two weeks after we got engaged I had serious medical problems that caused a lot of insecurities. I kept asking if he wanted to marry me and he kept telling me to relax. Even the night before the wedding I asked if he was going to be there or run for the hills and he just kinda shrugged it off knowing I was being insecure. Sure enough he was at the end of the aisle smiling and even crying when we got married.
i regret being so insecure though, leaving it up to my husband to make me feel better instead of gaining the confidence on my own. It wasn’t fair to him, especially since he did nothing to make me doubt his love. It was a lot of pressure on him and I still feel badly for it.
when you feel this way just keep reminding yourself that he loves you and the only problem is your insecurity. It helps. As far as your future in laws go, I mistakenly sent my mother in law a text calling her a crack head (in my younger days and in my defense his moms number is only one number different than a family member who kept causing drama with me) on TWO different occasions. But we still had a wonderful wedding and his family has to accept me. He chose me and nothing they could say would change that
Post # 12
@Daenaria727: So I’ll send him a text, and all I want to hear is, “Yes, baby, don’t worry. I love you, and I want to marry you, and spend my life with you.” That’s all I want to hear from him. And he never says it.
Have you told him this is what you need to hear? Men are not always very observant. I’m certain that in his mind, what he’s telling you is what you want/need to hear. This is coming from a fellow not-always-secure woman. He will appreciate you letting him know how to diffuse the situation 🙂
Post # 14
@Daenaria727: It seems like you need to find ways to cultivate self-love and grow your sense of self worth. Of course you are loved- you are a unique human being on this planet with unique talent and gifts. Of course you are worth it. Of course your FI loves you! Problem is, even if he tells you that on a daily basis, you will always seek validation from him and possibly others and it will never be enough for you because you have not cultivated that sense of worth within yourself. That constant validation gets tiring and you start to create a co-dependent dynamic in your relationship, which can be devastating over time. No one should have to be responsible for someone else’s emotional well- being…. So take charge of your own! You’re so worth it!