Just needing to express myself…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do you guys want to have kids togther?

I think Valentine’s Day is a GREAT timeline! If nothing happens by then, sit him down and talk to him about how marriage is important to you, and does he see that happening for you!

Good luck!

Post # 5
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@torchredcorvette:  I was “waiting” too but I want kids (33 now) and if I didn’t want them ( or more kids in your case) then I probably would have been ok waiting a year or so longer. No pressure but a real conversation about future ideas would be completely ok if your inner deadline comes and goes. You deserve, like bf too, to know where the other half stands in the relationship.

Post # 6
451 posts
Helper bee

We are living parallel lives. Only differences: he has one son and we don’t live together. We’ve talked about marriage in an abstract way for a year but there is always some obstacle. First it was finalizing his divorce (which took almost 3 years! Started a year before I met him. Then his ex filed for full custody. Twice. Now a lawsuit with her because they can’t share the business from the divorce settlement. Blah blah blah. You have different stressors on your man but still, it all boils down to the fear that something will always crop up. I had two fears: this will be a problem all our lives (his focusing on some new issue and kind of pushing me aside mentally) and also the fear that the outside influences were a (convenient? Unconscious?) way to keep the status quo because he may not be ready or wasn’t 100% sure about me. He never said anything like that but putting a ring on it is far different from talking about it. I started “talking” to him pretty seriously about 3 months ago. Sometimes lighthearted, sometimes uncomfortable. He really (verbally) came around. But I ended up on this site a few weeks ago frustrated. He said within 6 months which is Valentines so my “read him the riot act, walk, take a break haven’t decided yet) is March 1. Last weekend I was on here tearing it up saying he and I were having “the talk, dun dun dun”. He kind of laughed when I told him we needed to talk and he laughed saying don’t worry, it will be soon. I demanded we go ring shopping (again) and he got this panicked look saying “I thought you liked the one we picked already”. Hmmmm….  Then we spent the rest of the weekend buying a big TV for my (someday our) house and other “this is happening” type things. In fact he wants to get married about 6 – 12 months before I do. 

Anyway sorry to go on and on but my take on it is, yes, shutting it up can be invaluable if you’re  fighting or irrationally crying (been there, done that, probably will again). But a lot of gentle talk and maybe a tiny bit of nagging may be necessary for some guys. I feel 100% certain my guy really came to his own decision. He really needed to hear (repeatedly) over the last 6 months that we wanted and needed this because he would have stayed in lala land and not devoted his brain space to thinking about it. if you do it right you’re not pressuring him to marry you but you are forcing him to focus and start thinking through when fantasies become realities. Of course I don’t have that ring on my finger yet so take my thoughts with a Huge grain of salt!!!!

Post # 7
1287 posts
Bumble bee

I was in your same situation, but my FI was never married. I came out of a 10 yr marriage.  I was in no hurry. 

You both came out of a long term marriage. Take your time and enjoy what you have.  Coming out of 1 long commitment and then into another can be stressful.  Everyone needs some time…Marriage, after a divorce, can be a big deal to some people.  Some need that time before they decide to do it again. 

Just relax and enjoy each other.

Post # 8
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@torchredcorvette: Welcome to the HIVE!

The only perspective I have is this:

When I first came to the hive as a waiting bee….I had a date of June 2014.  I told myself that if I wasn’t planning my wedding by then, it would be a ‘walk date’ instead of a soft/negotiable ‘wedding date’.

Two months ago….SO’s graduation date was pushed back AGAIN!  UGH!  Very frustrating for sure.

We had a long honest talk about our future and I realized that June of 2014 would be too early of a day for us to be married by….so I changed my date to something that made more sense.

I think that it’s good to have a date in your mind that you are considering thinking about/analyzing your relationship…it’s important to know what YOU want and hope to get out of life for sure.

I think it’s probably a little easier on you already having kids…I’ve never had them so it’s a factor in how long I’m willing to stay…

WITH THAT SAID….If you are worried about his level of committment to you, and marriage is important, then I say that you have a lot to think about.  I would say try and talk to him first and see where it goes.

Goood Luck!

Post # 9
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

torchredcorvette:  Well if you don’t want anymore children, you don’t really have the urgency to get married one way or another. You don’t have any time pressures on yourself.

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