Post # 1
Hi Bees….It’s me again Sunshine8 having an angry,fustrated day! I had a melt down last week about the whole “still no proposal deal” and felt extremely heartbroken. I’m sure some of you have been reading my posts regularly (last one was “Shouldn’t he know by now”) Anyway, I went from being really really sad and heartbroken to furious and pissed off now. When I had my “melt down” last week and cried for over 12hrs.(yes,really it’s true….all night) I think I lost something for him that night. For those of you who are new to my story here it is in a nutshell….Living together 2.5yrs. has had a ring locked in a safe for 2yrs. Has given me every excuse for the last 8mths. of why he hasn’t proposed which includes THE MOST RIDICULOUSE EXCUSES EVER. Ready….#1 You don’t help me enough in the yard,raking leaves etc. #2 Financial,and I quote “who will pay for medical if we get married”? (Ummmm…..where there’s a will there’s a way. He spends over $500 mth. of going out to eat, Hellooo!!!) #3 I don’t want to be responsible for your daughter #4 I’m so scared at committing because of what ex-wifey did to me. Ok who on this chat site thinks this is complete Bulll @#$&^!!!!??? My situation just blows because I moved in here and now run a business from his house,my daughter just started a new school and made all new friends here. I feel stuck and extremely mad and heartbroken. My SO and I in the beginning were so sure of the relationship he bought rings 3mths. after we started dating. He swept me off my feet like a fairytale,begged me to move in and then 2.5yrs. later slammed the relationship in reverse!! I never saw it coming and neither did my best friend who encouraged me to move in because he seemed so perfect. My mother however, saw red flags. I should’ve listened. When I try to tell him how I feel I don’t get much of a response. I guess that’s my answer. I’m so devasted. I’m 34 and already been divorced. I really thought I was starting a committed relationship that would lead to a great marriage with this man,now it looks not so good. 🙁 My mistake was moving in and letting him get “too comfy”. I realize that now. What to do now? All my income is here at his house. I put in some applications and looked at some apartments online. It felt strange and sad…..
Post # 3
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think you’re doing the right thing in putting in applications for apartments. I think by moving out, you’re establishing yourself (while still keeping your daughter in school and keeping her new friends). It sounds to me like you have your answer from him, and it’s not the answer you were looking for. I’m so sorry!!! Try your best to re-establish yourself there, and definitely move out of the house. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready to make another committment, and that’s fine, but he shouldn’t have led you to believe he was going to.
I wish you the best of luck and of course let us know how things turn out or if you need to vent some more.
Post # 4
I completely agree with 2Peasisapod. You shouldn’t have to wait and sit there believing that you two will be moving forward if A, he has no intentions of doing so right now, B, is not ready to or C, loves having you there as part of his comfort zone. If he has had the ring for two years, what the heck is the hold up?? is it for someone else?
You shouldn’t subject yourself to this becuase you deserve better and more. Kudos on taking the steps to look for apartments. Maybe that best for right now. Maybe he needs to feel like he’s lost you to truly appreciate you and your relationship!
Good luck hun! You will be okay.
Post # 5
The best advice I can give you is to do what is best for you and your daughter. I have never been married, but I am a single mom to a wonderful 12 year old daughter. Her happiness and stability has been my number 1 priority from day 1. I would never dream of putting her in a situation where she isn’t valued for the wonderful child that she is.
A serious red flag is the fact that your boyfriend does not want to take responsibility for your child. How has that been working out living under the same roof? You guys are a package deal and your boyfriend can’t just decide that he only wants you….and you can’t let him decide that b/c trust me…kids pick up on things like that.
It seems like your boyfriend still has the “mine and yours” mentality which should really be a red flag since you have been living together for 2.5 years already. He is worrying about you helping him but I don’t see him putting in the effort to help you (based on your posts that it).
I don’t want to come flat out and say that you should leave…but I will say that I don’t see anything that indicates that your boyfriend will propose anytime soon. You get upset, you cry…but you stay. He makes bs excuses…and you stay. You can’t change what another person does, but you can change how you react to it. IMO…it’s time for you to do something different.
Post # 6
(((sunshine8))) Im so sorry this is happening to you. He has put you in such a horrible situation and its not fair for you and your daughter. I think his excuses sound like BS..Im sure if a person loves another enough and wants to marry that person they wouldnt hold up their marriage for the leaves in the yard. Oh please. You are doing the right thing by looking at apartments. Maybe seeing you leave the house will be a wake up call for him. Good luck darling!
Post # 7
I;m so sorry things are difficult right now, but think you’re doing the right thing in looking to make space for yourself (literal and emotional).
As other bees have said, it raises some real red flags that he doesn’t want to take responsibility for your daughter. What if you were to fall ill? Be in an accident? What if she became terribly ill? Needed additional treatment for existing health issues? Would he be there for you and for her? Would he support her, financially and emotionally, if you weren’t around?
You and your Dirty Delete deserve more than someone who puts his own issue ahead of your well being and security.
Post # 8
Leaving is the best thing you can do, for you and your daughter. You can send notice to your clients for you new business address, the adjustment period will be less trouble than what this man is making you go through right now.
I have followed your posts with great interest. I’m so sorry that he led you on like this. He was probably sincere and then freaked out. But as JamaicaBride said, you can’t change his behaviour, you can only change yours. Take control back over your life, pack your things… go.
If you two are meant to be, he will wake up and resolve his issues and try to get you back. You can’t be waiting and agonizing over it forever. You did your part, tried to resolve things with him, compromising, suggested counselling, etc. He needs to put some efforts into it too, and he’s not doing it. It’s not fair to you. The fact that you’ve stayed through all this probably makes him believe that you’re less unhappy about the situation that you actually are.
Post # 9
Why would you even want to be with someone that says “#3 I don’t want to be responsible for your daughter”
your child comes first hands down. if he doesnt want to be “responsible” for her then he doesnt need to be in her life or youre life.
I was a single mom when I met my Fiance. My son’s sperm donor wasn’t in picture since I was 9 months pregnant (long story) I starting dating and i didnt bring my son around anyone until I knew he would be around for BOTH of us. we are a packaged deal take both of us or leave thats final. I knew my Fiance was the one when he held my son and took care of him as if he was his father. now he is his father and he was the best thing that entered our lives.
You deserve the best and someone that will give that to your daughter and you.
Good Luck and I hope everything work outs
Post # 10
You guys are all so right. I’m actually going to the library to get some self help books on how to deal with this stuff. I’m just devasted and pissed. I’m getting to old for this bull @#$$%^!!! I thought he was really the one for me. I felt that so strong in the beginning. I feel like he tricked me when I moved in and he didn’t propose after 2.5yrs. His actions aren’t equaling up to his words. What makes it hard is that he says things like “I never said I don’t want to marry you, I just don’t want to now” “maybe someday”. “I have no doubts you’re the one,I know you’re my soulmate”. Well I’m thinking ok….if those things are true than why haven’t you asked? He goes back to those stupid excuses that I listed! And around and around we go!! He also says “but I am committed to you”. He seems to be playing some weird mind manipulation games! He also says “If you were the one that wasn’t sure, I would wait as long as it takes until you’re ready,you make me not want ask you when you say you may leave”. Bees what do you think about these statements??? Is he right,should I wait as long as it takes him to deal with his own issues? The book “He’s just not that into you” says absolutely not!!! He’s been divorced for 4yrs. if he ain’t over the hurt by now,is ever gonna be? He refuses to go to counseling and says “not being ready to get married,isn’t enough of a problem to go to counseling for” Again, actions speak louder than words and what I’m hearing is “you’re not worth it or our relationship isn’t worth the time”. Am I right?? It’s too the point I don’t sleep at night, it eats and eats at me. I guess the fear of asking me out weighs him losing me. At least that’s how it would appear. I will leave,it’s just a matter of how and when if he doesn’t get his [email protected]#$%^ together!
Post # 11
hi sunshine was hoping that things were going better.although we will never kn the situation in its entiety there is one thing that doesnt sit well with me.i kn u must feel terrible bout the ring situation,as i to am waiting almost 2 yrs on a ring.the difference is my so is telling me wait five urs for consideration.can u truly stand before the lord and say i do to a man that wants no responsibility for ur daughter.the whole point of getting married should be to provide a stable home for both u and ur daughter,and also to make him happy.should somthing arise health wise for ur daughter god forbid can u depend on this man to be their for u emotionally or even finacially.am not saying leave cause untill u decide what u and ur daughter are worth and deserve will u only be able to make a decision.i think at the very least should should start to reclaim ur independence.forcus on moving ur business ,once u r finacially stable u can decide if u want to leave or not.just remeber u r setting an example for what ur daughter will tolerate from a man.
best of luck
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
If I was in your situation and my boyfriend said that he didn’t want to be responsible for my daughter, I’d be out the door.
You need to do what’s best for her and for yourself.
Post # 13
#3 I don’t want to be responsible for your daughter
That’s a pretty serious reason, one that would make me reconsider the relationship if it were me. What are his reasons?
Post # 14
There’s a difference between staying with someone and toughing it out while he or she does the difficult emotional work of sorting through painful issues and hanging around indefinitely hoping someone decides to actually address a problem. You seem to be doing the latter.
He’s misrepresenting the issue when he says “not wanting to get married” is a problem that doesn’t require counselling. The point is not that he doesn’t want to get married – it’s that he’s being held back by old baggage from a previous relationship.
Regardless, if the problem doesn’t require counselling, then it doesn’t entitle him to extra patience, understanding, etc. (ie: You aren’t a terrible, heartless person if you decide that waiting around for his problems to magically disappear isn’t your cup of tea.) You know what you need, and he can’t provide it – at least, not right now.
Post # 15
“#3 I don’t want to be responsible for your daughter” Really concerns me. Him thinking of her as a nuisance or a drawback to being married to you frankly disgusts me. Once those words left his mouth I’d be searching for a new boyfriend who would be honored to be apart of my child’s life, as he should be.
Post # 16
I’m so sorry to hear this! The biggest red flag and what really made me shake my head was #3 Does not want to be responsible for your daughter. THat’s really not good. You are on the right direction looking for your own place. Plus, you don’t want to feel like you pressured somone in to proposing to you. It should be something you do not have to constantly be asking. Where’s the surprise in that?