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A friend of mine will have a 4 month old at the time of our wedding. She wrote to find out if she can bring the baby to the wedding and reception. My friend told me she'd make sure the baby didn't cry during the wedding (and noted that was something that was important to her when she got married a few years ago). She gave me an out, saying they'd find childcare if necessary. The issue is the timing of the feedings, as she noted the baby isn't using a bottle.
It was a really nice email and I'm trying to decide how I feel about this. The non-maternal side of me doesn't want the baby at the wedding. I want the parents to be baby free at the wedding and I want them to just relax and enjoy themselves. There will be drinking and dancing and music on the 'louder' side.
Conversely - what's the big deal? If they want to bring her, it's not like she's going to interrupt. The parents will have to take care of her during the wedding, but that's their choice.
That said - I'm having a hard time writing the email to say "yes, of course, bring her"! because I honestly don't want a baby to attend. (The only kids present will be our nephews and nieces and I got into serious issues with a cousin who I didn't give an invite to his 8-year old daughter (and now he and other family members aren't coming to the reception) - so I'm feeling a little more sensitive about this than normal, I think).
I would say make an exception for her. It sounds like she was really respectful in the way she asked. I know you would like the parent to be "carefee" but they will have more fun if the baby is with them. No breast feeding mother is going to be able to really let loose and enjoy themselves if they are far away from the baby. Especially if she has to be leaving to do feedings. I had a breastfeeding baby (about the same age) at my wedding and she never made a peep. She was so sweet and slept most of the time. I even got a good a snuggle in with her at the reception. Once the party really start getting loud (about an hour before it was over) her mom went ahead and left early with her. It worked out well for everyone. I really don't think you'll regret letting her bring the baby. It sounds like she is a responsible mom who will absolutely remove herself and the baby from the situation if the baby becomes disruptive.
I think a middle ground is in order, especially since the baby is breastfeeding. Perhaps hire a baby sitter to watch her close by so that her Mom can excuse herself, go feed her, and then come back. Is that possible?
I think you just need to go with what you want b/c I think you're fine either way. If you say no she should understand b/c 1. there are no other kids, 2. this was something that was important to her as a bride and 3. she said she's get childcare. Alternatively if you say yes than 1. she will be happy, 2. she will still be able to have a good time b/c she won't be worrying about her baby and 3. it doesn't seem like it really bothers you.
I think for a nursing baby, you really ought to allow her to come. A mother really cannot be separated from a nursing baby for extended periods very easily, especially if that baby isn't taking to a bottle. Plus, the mother will be uncomfortable if she can't nurse/pump.
As a side note, you say you want the parents to be able to "just relax and enjoy themselves" at the wedding/reception - but who says they have to be baby-free at the event to do that? I think people make assumptions that parents NEED an evening away from the kids to enjoy themselves and I don't think that is a call that anyone but the individual parents can make.
It's very hard for breastfeeding mothers to be away from their infants for a long time, and pumping at the wedding would be awful for her. So, yes, I think it goods to make exceptions for breastfeeders.
I pretty much think she's going to leave early either way -- if you say no, to go feed the baby; if you say yes, because the party gets loud/late. If this is pretty much an adults only thing, I would just ask if she minded getting a sitter.
I would also make an exception for her. I nursed my children and it was extremely difficult to be away from them for more than a couple of hours at a time. If they don't feed, your breasts fill up and will leak and hurt.
I know this probably won't be a popular answer, but I'd kindly decline. You wish to have a baby free wedding, and there's nothing wrong with that. As another poster said she should understand because those were her wishes at her own wedding. Maybe you can tell her something along the lines of you were hoping her & hubby could come & have a night out alone? Is there another room or something where the baby & babysitter could hang out so the mom can go & do her thing when she needs to?
My only caution is that you might run up against other folks that wanted to bring kids (babies), but didn't because they weren't invited. I think it's always best to be across-the-board fair to everyone.
We weren't sure how we felt about kids at our wedding, so we spoke with the 2 members of the bridal party that have small children to see what would make them most comfortable. We were considering 3 options: 1- Kid free-for-all at the wedding and reception, 2-Childcare available in a nearby location, 3-no kids. We were pretty open to any ideas.
Ultimately, both people decided they would prefer to come sans kids so that they could have a fun night out. That made it easy for us.
If she honestly offered to leave the baby home I say let her! She can't get mad because she offered and if a baby at the wedding would make you feel awkward you should say so. She sounds like a very nice person but at the end of the day it is your special event. Plus, it may help save her the (maybe)embarassment of having to breastfeed her child during the nuptuals
I'm the mom of a 3 month old who refuses a bottle too. It's really hard. Really hard. I think your friend will relax and enjoy herself MUCH more if she has the little one with her. And 4 month olds aren't a handful. They eat, sleep and coo a little bit. If you are attentive to their needs they don't cry much, and it sounds like your friend is already mindful of that being an issue.
If I couldn't bring my bottle refuser to a wedding, I wouldn't be able to go because I'd be SOOO anxious about her screaming the whole time I was gone!
I know that the children at a wedding issue is fairly controversial. However, I do feel like exceptions should be made for nursing mothers. Sure, she offered to leave the baby, but I doubt she's really going to be able to relax and enjoy herself if she has to worry about pumping, whether her baby is hungry at home, etc. Obviously, it's your wedding and you need to decide what's best for you and your FI, but I don't think that leaving the baby at home will transform her into a carefree wedding guest.
Can you meet her halfway? Ask her if she would mind leaving the baby with her parents or something for the ceremony (or supply a babysitter) but then let her have the baby at the reception?
we're very conflicted about this too--at least 6 of our close friends will have children between the ages of 6 months and 2 years at the time of our wedding. two of these friends are groomsmen, and both will have to travel a couple hours to get to the wedding. we're waffling between saying no to kids all together (and maybe helping all the parents arrange joint childcare?), or just caving and letting them all bring them at their own discretion. i think it has to be all or none though--you know that once you make one exception, everyone else is going to want one too.
I would let her bring the baby. Even though you want her and her husband to relax and be baby free, 4 months is still really young and maybe she knows that she wouldn't be relaxed if she was worrying about her baby during the whole wedding. For a new mom, it'll probably be more relaxing to have the baby with her, yet still be able to enjoy time with friends and celebrate with you!
I think the problem would be with the other guests with babies who left them at home. I ended up having two breastfeeding mothers show up with their kids (one brought a babysitter who stayed in the hotel room, thankfully) but I know that the four or so other guests who had babies under 5 months were a little annoyed. Honestly, if that were me I would just stay home. I'm due in March and going to a wedding in June and have NO intention of bringing my kid, and if he/she isn't taking to the bottle or for some reason i can't leave the baby-my ass is staying home. Why would I want to worry about a baby at an adult function with loud music and people drinking? I think it's rude to ask to bring a child.
You are celebrating your marriage, not paying for everyone to have family night out.
I think this is the one time to put your needs and wants ahead of others. Yes, it might be more convenient for her if she is allowed to bring the baby, but you want a baby-free wedding. And you're the bride, let's not forget that! I dont' think she should have put you in that position in the first place. And honestly from my experience, parents almost never do anything to quiet their screaming children in public settings and weddings are no exception. I would thank her for the email and say that unfortunately your wishes are for no babies at the ceremony or reception and you understand completely if this changes her plans.
i like the idea of having the baby at the reception only, but then again, i'm not a breastfeeding mother.
mr. sew's cousin brought her adorabllleee 3 month old to the wedding..and she stayed the whole night! i never heard a peep out of her either. i agree that it probably is more relaxing to the mother to have the baby with her...a crazy 4 year old she'd probably like a break from, but a newborn is different! I bet you wouldn't even notice the baby was there, honestly. :)
BUT i could see how it could get out of hand if you have lots of others wanting to bring babies as well...
We had a couple just write on their response card that they were bringing their baby - I had a moment of "oh HELL no!" and then realized that it just wouldn't be a big deal (plus they were from out of town). And it was totally fine- I didn't see or hear the baby the whole time, and there are a couple of really cute pics of people dancing and the dad holding the baby up so she can "see" it.
You're totally within your rights to tell her to leave the baby, but if it doesn't really matter to you either way, then I'd say let her bring it. I think this is a nice place to be gracious.
One of my FIs friends asked about it.
We said "If you can control them...you can bring them. No outbursts during the ceremony please."
Hmmmmm.... I'm going to go with DON'T let her bring the baby. It won't be fair to anyone else who wanted to bring their kids. But, if you tell her no, and she decides not to attend, you shouldn't get mad. It's her prerogative. And she shouldn't get mad for you refusing to let her bring the baby.
I may be unpopular with this response as well, but hey, at least I'm honest. Your friend said she promised the baby would be "quiet during the ceremony." Just how is she going to do this may I ask? Pop some NyQuil in the kid and hope for the best?! My point being is that babies cry and can be loud at times, which is why they are babies, perfectly understandable. You want all eyes on you as you are walking down the aisle, not the crying baby.
This is YOUR wedding, and it is THIS mothers choice to breastfeed, it's a decision she made for herself! I say go with your gut and let her find childcare, or let her stay home. Sorry to sound harsh, but if you are paying for this wedding then it is your choice and you should have things the way YOU want them.
I hope this helps. Sorry to sound rude...I am furiously typing and trying to leave my office all at one! :)
We had the same thing at our wedding. One friend was breast feeding and either we said okay to the baby or the friend couldn't come. We said okay and it was SO not a big deal. In fact it kind of brought something special to the day to have that one perfect little baby there!
Hmm.. I mean, no one can watch the baby for her? I mean I don't have kids so I don't know for sure how I would feel, but I don't think I'd ever want to step on anyone's toes especially at an event as important as a wedding and try to force my little one onto the guest list. That's a big deal to have a baby there and it could work out really well or not. Plus you run the risk of offending others who weren't allowed to bring their kids.
If you make an exception for one, you should make it for everyone. One child there, and someone else's child couldn't attend, you're going to tick people off. I don't care if the mother is breastfeeding or not ... someone's going to be peaved that their child couldn't attend.
Wouldn't a breast feeding baby have a rough time at a wedding with adults drinking and having a good time?
My vote is to kindly decline. You already didn't invite your cousin's 8 year old and sounds like your family is upset over it, and they'll probably get more upset if you let your friend take a baby.
I say let her. I think an exception can be made for a baby that young which is still exclusively breastfeeding. I presume when the mother says the baby will be quiet, she means she will take it out if it starts to fuss at a bad time. If she feeds it right before the ceremony, it will probably sleep through the whole thing. And as regards the reception, small babies like that can sleep through a remarkable racket, and if not, I'm sure she'll just leave early. A 4-month-old is going to be almost unnoticeable ... as opposed to an energetic toddler or older child.
Where will the baby be during the reception? I don't understand how she is going to have "more fun" with the baby there. She will have to sit at the table and hold the baby the whole time, won't she? It's not like the baby can sit in a chair on its own.
I appreciate the predicament you are in (and I think it is nice that you are trying to be nice and accommodate your friend), but I don't think it's fair to the other people who you said aren't allowed to bring their babies/kids. No kids means no kids. I think you are setting yourself up for an issue with the people who are respecting your wishes by not bringing their kids. I think those parents are gonna be pissed off at you once they see that an exception was made for your friend.
Also, I don't think it's fair to the other guests who will be seated at the table with your friend and her baby. I went to a wedding a few months ago, where there was ONE baby there- you would think, no big deal, and it was the Groom's sister's baby. They set up a pack 'n play right next to our table where they put the baby. He screamed and cried all night while people periodically stopped by in an "effort" to calm him. It was really rude to do that to everyone at our table- especially for the couples who left their babies at home with a sitter- to then have to sit there at the reception and watch someone else's kid scream and cry.
@Monkeygirl: That sounds like a very atypical thing for a parent to do. We babywear our 3 month old a lot, so I'd probably just put her in her babywearing and go out on the dancefloor and dance. She'd love it (and then she'd sleep)!
To those who say this baby should stay with a sitter, please understand that isn't really an option for babies who won't take a bottle. I'd get 3-4 hours before I'd need to be home again to feed. This is a baby who won't eat if it's not directly from mom!
I was one of the strict "no kids" posters before my wedding and then a close friend added her baby's name to the reply card. I almost called and emailed her of few times before the wedding, but I just couldn't do it! It felt too wrong. I figured just letting the baby come was easier than the alternative. She brought the baby...I never heard it cry. And then she called her mom to pick the baby up after dinner so she and her husband could dance a little. It worked out fine and our relationship was not strained which is good.
That said...I think it's definitely easier to talk about when the mom starts the conversation, which she did for you. If you really care strongly either way, she's given you permission...
I would just like to add this-Here is a scene from a wedding I went to last year. I'm wearing my Betsey Johnson dress, drinking a martini and trying to enjoy my dinner and there is a 3 month old baby spitting up across from me. The mom and dad were getting up and down, she's wipping out her boob, there was baby crap over the beautiful table. I thought this was rude to the other guests who were sitting there. So if you do decide that baby can come, make sure you sit them with people who like kids. This mother did not have fun, she barely ate dinner, had one sip of wine, and they left before cake. I don't see why this made more sense than staying home.
Hi Oracle!
The exact same situation happened to me at my wedding. It was with my MOH, and her son, who was 6 months old and still breastfeeding every 3-4 hours. She emailed me one month before asking if she could bring her son to the ceremony and reception. However, she did not offer to find childcare. At first, I was really mad, because she had a childfree wedding, and I felt I deserved the same thing. I even assisted her to make other arrangments so she could still feed her son, but not have him at the ceremony. But in retrospect, I felt bad about it. It's really hard to be a breastfeeding mom. He ended up coming to the reception, and he was fine - well-behaved and quiet. But I still put my foot down at the ceremony, because a mother just can't guarantee her baby won't cry and our ceremony was very short (20 min). It worked out in my situation, but I just wanted to let you know there may be options out there!
I am right there with you. I have a friend that has told me that although I said "no kids", she is bringing her 3 year old daughter. I get so upset every time I think about it. I think you have a better chance of 4 month old being no problem then I do with a 3 year old, however you will have other guests peeved when they get to the wedding that they were told explicitly they could not bring kids to and see a baby. I would tell her unfortunately that due to the line you had to draw in the sand with the other kids, it would not be right to make an exception, however be prepared for her not to come or come very briefly.
personally if i invite someone to my wedding who has recently had a baby i assume she will bring her baby and also assume she will have the good sense to choose a seat that has easy access to the exit incase she needs to change/feed her baby. i would never think to ask her to leave a baby under the age of 2 with a sitter just for my wedding.
Ohh this situation tears at two sides of me...the bride and the worker. As a bride, i would encourage you to do whats best for your wedding...because it is your day...however, th social worker in me ( i work with pregnant moms and thier babies for a living) wants you to say yes. Its because she is breastfeeding...and like some posters have mentioned, she may not take well to the bottle and it can be very difficult. ome babies get confused going back and forth between the bottle and the breast. however, if you do allow the baby to attend, you are likely to catch fdlack from other people in the wedding who werent allowed to bring their children....tough situation. I feel like to be fair you should ask her to get a sitter so as not to offend your other guests...but honestly if this were my wedding, the social worker in me would have won and i would say to let her bring little baby (breastfeeding is best and incidences like not being able to go out or into certain environments is one of the main reasons women DONT breastfeed)
GOOD LUCk!!!!
Tell her "no" and the only kids will be the ones from the family. Make your email very nice, and stick to your guns. She is rude for asking to bring the baby, no matter how nicely she asked. I had this experience and said to the person, "I don't want any kids at the wedding, but unfortunately, FI is insisting his 8 neices and nephews come, so they will be the only kids there."
I agree with Mrs Sewing! Newborns are actually way easier to care for than toddlers at weddings.
I didn't read all the PPs but I think it would be so much appreciated by your friend if you said 'ok' - I had a couple infants at my wedding (the only other children were my niece and 2 nephews) and it was wonderful to have them there - when they're all grown up I'll always know they were at my wedding (they're the children of VERY dear friends). It will mean a lot to your friend and as long as they don't let the baby disrupt the ceremony I think it's okay but ultimately you have to be comfortable with your decision! Good luck!
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