- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
I had another post on here about my mom not taking FI and I’s DW planning seriously, but I’ve thought about things and I’m not that angry anymore, just mostly sad.
FI and his parents are kind of no-contact right now. His father was abusive and the family is just beyond messed up. They were still constantly terrible to my FI and his older sister (and her kids) so eventually they got tired and just decided to cut them off. It was really rough on all of us – especially the conflicts that contributed to the decision.
When this happened I remember I would tell my mom some of it but I always felt like she was taking the side of FI’s parents. Especially his mom. My mom told me my whole life that she couldn’t stand weak women and here we had a woman that even turned against her own children to defend her abusive husband and abusive youngest daughter. My mom always felt “sorry” for her. And this was when we really needed her to feel “sorry” for FI. Then even one time I was venting and she told me “she didn’t want to hear about it”.
That’s kind of normal for her actually. She’s very judgmental, has an opinion about everything but oddly enough wants to “stay out” of everything. I listen to her vent about her work all the time, but she couldn’t listen to me vent about a really tough situation I was going through.
Then comes the proposal. She and especially my dad were really excited about it. FI had talked to them first and so they knew it was coming.
My FSIL and brother got engaged in May, 7 months before we were engaged. My mom and my FSIL had issues when FSIL and my brother were first dating (about 5 years ago). Through all of that I defended my mom because quite honestly, FSIL and her mother were in the wrong. Ever since that my mom has more or less over compensated for everything that happened then. Everything is fine now and FSIL and I get along, but my mom is still paranoid.
So when FSIL said she was upset that she felt her friends weren’t as excited for their wedding planning as she had hoped, my mom told me to make sure I bring up wedding plans to FSIL. I’ve done that not just because I think I should, but because I really do care and am excited for them.
But now that we’re engaged FSIL is really the only person bringing up our wedding plans and saying she wants to help us out. My mom never asks and I’m the type of person that feels pretty awkward bringing things like that up if someone doesn’t ask.
Of course though, now, since we’re planning a DW my mom doesn’t take it seriously but at the same time doesn’t ask to find out what we’re really planning.
I guess I’m just upset because my mom shows interest in FSIL and brother’s wedding but none to mine. I understand why she would show more attention to them, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. Especially when FSIL’s own mom is very much involved in their wedding planning. I don’t have my mom or FI’s parents. With them not in the picture its even harder because I have half the parental support of my FSIL in brother, but right now I’m not even getting the “half” that I need.
And I really don’t want this all to bother FI. He’s planning on paying for the wedding because right now I’m trying to save up what money I can, but while starting my own business I’m not making that much. The DW is the best option for us because we can have the smaller wedding we want without having FI’s OTHER dysfunctional family members attend (aunts and uncles – we’ll invite them but we know they can’t afford it and/or can’t travel that far… lots of addictions and we’d rather not have them going out back behind our wedding to smoke pot like they did at a cousin’s wedding). And this is also really what my FI and I want. After all he’s been through and how codependant he had been with his parents I want him to have the wedding that HE wants without anyone telling him what he “should” or “shouldn’t” do. Its really important for him to set his boundaries – and for me to as well.
I guess my mom just isn’t a big wedding person. She and my dad had a pretty small wedding at a national park. Maybe that’s just all it is. But she hasn’t even asked about a wedding date or anything.
I just needed to get this off my chest though…. thanks everyone for reading and for all of your support.