(Closed) Just so much on my mind… (vent?)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Unfortunately I think that just because you’d like to stay home and cook and clean, that doesn’t mean you actually can. If one income isn’t enough to support you both (and most people are in this situation), then you are going to need to work. So I’d start looking for a job that will give you some kind of regular, reliable income (as much as a job can do that these days). Yes, it sucks, and maybe one day your husband will earn enough and be willing to completely support you on his salary. But now is not that day.

As to when to tell people, that is up to you. We waited a few days to get used to the idea and until we would see people in person to tell them. Other people are on the phone within 5 minutes. Some wait until they have a ring, or a date. Your mother being upset isn’t reason enough to keep it a secret, in my opinion, since if you are old enough to decide to get married then you are old enough to deal with your mother’s reaction, no matter what it would be. And if your dad is going to be excited and supportive then that will definitely help πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Congrats on your engagement!

Sorry about the autoimmune disease. FH’s left him bedridden for months once. I worry about what you guys will do if you get slammed with a lot of medical bills. This happened to us on two incomes and it was very rough going. (Not to be another mom!! haha)

I’m not saying this applies to you AT ALL, but sooo many people make big relationship mistakes at your age (myself included– I got engaged to a horrible person who I luckily got away from), so it makes sense that your mom might be a little worried about your age. It is really unfair and annoying (because obviously you’re you and not other people), but try not to take it too personally.  Easier said than done, I know (again, from experience).

It seems like maybe your mom would be a more excited about your big news if she felt like you had a plan for the finances, apartment, affording kids, etc… which, conveniently, seems to be the same stuff you’re already worried about!  As long as you guys are keeping it to yourselves for just a little bit, you could maybe brainstorm some ideas for how to make your situation work. Check out apartments online. Look around online for more telecommuting jobs in case this one doesn’t pan out. Have you thought about/ are you well enough to do childcare for other people’s children out of the home? You could bring in some bucks that way and it seems like something you would really enjoy.

When you decide to go ahead and tell the parents, if your mom meets your news with skepticism or questions instead of unadulterated squealing and jumping up and down, you can have answers and ideas ready as counterpoints. At which point, hopefully, she will at least be a little impressed. Laughing

Good luck and I hope you stay well!!!

Post # 6
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you guys need to start planning for the future as a couple!

 

  1. Finances – Can you live off of FI salary alone?  Can you maybe get a part time job or look into careers that let you work from home?  How will you guys combine finances once you are married and how will you pay for rent etc.  If you are on your parents insurance then you need to think about the fact that getting married may mean that FI and his insurance has to pick you up. 
  2. Family – You are very young to start a family and I think your mom probably has some good concerns about that.  If you and your FI can barely support yourself then why would you want to bring a child into that.  However, just because you get married does not mean you immediately start a family.  Maybe talk to your mom that you and your FI want to take this next step so that you can learn to live as a couple and then think about having a family.

I think the biggest thing is you guys need a plan.  If you go to your parents with a plan and a budget, they will probably be more likely to support you.  If you just go over there and say, “We’re Engaged” and don’t have any answers then they probably will think you are two love-struck people, acting like teenages, without consideration for the future and real life. 

Post # 7
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

A mom here.  (A youngish mom, but a mom.)  I have never met a couple your age, I wouldn’t recommend waiting a few years.  (I used to work with engaged couples.  So I’ve met a few.)  I usually feel a really young couple can benefit from a few years of establishing careers, growing as people, perhaps finishing school, etc.  However, you sound mature to me, and know what you want.  The first half of your post really drew me in.

However, when you started in on money concerns, your FI making minimum wage, and your own health concerns, I have to say,  I think you’re going to need a smart plan.  If you can’t stand for more than 3 hours, you might need to try for a job that allows you to sit.  (There should be reasonable jobs, that under the ADA can accommodate you.)  I know it’s hard finding jobs right now.  But that’s just kind of how it is right now.  (Also, just so you know, SAHM’s are on their feet A LOT.  Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kiddies… all the stuff you mentioned.)

Good luck.  I’m pulling for you.  There’s a way to your “white picket fence”.  You just have to brainstorm how to make it happen.  But please don’t discount waiting a few years to get better footing.

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I really don’t see how you can afford to live on a minimum wage income, let alone income that isn’t steady. Has he considered taking some classes at a community college? I actually work in a large factory (we make airplane parts here) and if your FI can learn something like CAD, UG, or SolidWorks modeling, he can design tooling for manufacturing equipment. It pays well, you don’t need a college degree (although an Associates in Tool Design or something like that is VERY valuable to companies that have factory equipment) AND it’d make him a much more stable employee. If you want to be a SAHM, your FI (congrats!) needs to find something that he can actually support you and a family off of. I can completely see why you are nervous about the whole situation–being unstable is never a good feeling.

Is he supportive of you wanting to stay home? Is that something you can do? Like Gerbera said, being a SAHM is incredibly difficult and takes a toll on a woman. All the SAHMs I know are always exhausted. Heck, my mom was a SAHM and had HELP with a nanny! If you get to the point your disability gets in the way and you need to hire some help, it could REALLY take a toll on your finances.  If you DO want to continue to be a financial contributor, you could always look into office management type work. Or IT or computers….i mean, those are all heavy desk type jobs. And pay nicely. You’re still young–don’t discount throwing some education onto your plate. All of our office administrator type personnel here sit at a desk all day. Heck, I’m an engineer and I sit at a desk all day. And there’s no way my company could fire me for a disability, either–it’s not legal to do that. We have work from home benefits also–lots of companies do, you can definitely look into that. In fact, the OA on my team has fibromyalgia and stays home quite a bit. She’s still a very competent worker!

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