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When DH and I got closer to him proposing, I made it clear that I would rather be engaged without a ring for a while than put off being his wife because of a ring. 2 months after his proposing, we bought my ring. I didn't think I was less engaged because of the ring. I think the proposal is what makes you engaged, not the presence of the ring.
I guess it just confuses me because there are so many girls who are like, "We're already planning the wedding, he's just saving up for the ring!" Maybe it's a personal thing, but if I wouldn't want the lack of jewelry to delay it. I suppose it's different for me, because I didn't want a long engagement either. We waited until marriage to live together and have sex, so I was probably a little more impatient than many. But I still don't get it. Explain, please?
Add: I understand if it's the guy who decided he won't do it without a ring. DH wouldn't have given me a non-diamond e-ring, just as a guy-pride thing. But I don't imagine that's the case every time.
I'm with you. It's not the formal proposal or ring that makes you engaged. IMO, if two people have agreed to get married and are actively planning a wedding, they are engaged. End of story.
I think if people want to wait until they have a ring to "be engaged" that's their business but it's totally unnecessary and causes a lot of undue anxiety from waiting. I'd much rather be (and am) engaged without a ring than be unengaged because we don't have a piece of jewelry yet. I think it actually takes some of the pressure off to do it as different steps, so the proprosal can be a surprise but the couple can still pick a ring together to suit their tastes.
I pretty much agree with you, but I'm also a strong believer in sex before marriage, so I feel like that probably made you move much faster than otherwise. A long engagement helps you save money, find deals, do projects, etc., so I see why it's appealing to a lot of people.
I think that peer pressure probably has a lot to do with it. I must say I'm bad at getting excited at seeing friend's rings when I hear that they have gotten engaged - though if they said they didn't have one, I'm sure I would get just as excited about the proposal story.
I would be more than happy to get engaged without a ring, and I completely agree that if both parties want to be engaged ... then they are engaged!
@sweetpea87: Eh, I don't know. To us, the ring was a sign of our engagement. Every realtionship is different though.
I agree, philosophically, that people are engaged once they agree to marry. However, for some reason in my case I didn't "feel engaged" until I got my ring. He had mentioned marriage a few times and even jokingly asked how I felt about becoming "Mrs. C." I told him of course I want to marry him, but it's not "official" until the ring. Haha! I hope that doesn't sound bad! I knew we were going to get married but until he kneeled down, offered the ring and said those magic words I didn't feel engaged. Now I do.
@Sunfire: I get what you're saying. I didn't consider us engaged until his formal proposal (down on one knee, will you marry me, cute speech), I just didn't get a ring.
And just to clarify, we were together for 7 years before he proposed. I don't know that we necessarily rushed. Not that you were saying otherwise, @redheadem, just putting that out there. :-)
I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that "buying the ring" back in the day meant that a man was willing to spend XX amount of dollars on committing himself to you. Without the ring, there is no investment and therefore he "aint" that serious---it may be an older way of thinking but is still an inherent thought amongst alot of people.
@sweetpea87: He asked you to marry him and you accepted - you're definitely engaged, even without a ring. Honestly, if my FI couldn't have afforded a ring I would have still said YES, I love you and will marry you, and we would still be engaged. It's not about the ring at all, it's about the love. Best of all to you!
To some, an engagement isn’t “real” until a ring is involved. I have many family members with this mentality. While I don’t necessarilly think that there needs to be a ring in order for their to be an engagement, it’s something that I wanted and something that DH wasn’t willing to compromise on. I think a lot of it has to do with the guys ego. Not being able to provide his bride with the symbol of their commitment isn’t an option for some men.
The symbol is very important to me personally. I have been proposed to twice in the past, both without rings...and I feel like without that symbol, the proposal can turn out to be just words (not always, but in my case it did, twice!). To me the ring not only symbolizes my man's intentions to make me his wife, but it's also a symbol of a sacrifice he had to make (however big or small) to have my hand in marriage. He's giving up something of value (money) to prove his love. When I say prove, I just mean in the traditional sense....not in the demanding "prove it!" sense.
Now my SO would never propose without a ring (it's probably a pride thing), but I also know him well enough to know that having to go through the process of purchasing a ring will force him to think the decision all the way through, and be more conscious of the next stage in the engagement. He is just the type of person who needs something tangible to work toward, and I don't mean the wedding :)
Lastly, and I may be shallow for this, but I want other people to know I'm engaged just by looking.
Now with all of that being said, if my SO for some reason felt strongly about getting engaged but didn't have a ring, I would still say yes. I trust him not to do what others have done in the past.
@Reign14: I agree 100%. It is just words without a ring. Eh, they can change their minds if they feel like it.
@Sunflower--girl: Just because there's a ring in the equation doesn't mean that either party can't change their minds. It happens all the time. I can't tell you how many Judge Judys I've seen where ex's are fighting over the engagement ring.
Engaged = when two people commit to and agree on marriage.
Ring = big plus.
@UpstateCait: It is A LOT easier to walk away without a ring.
Just like a PP said, she was proposed to twice without a ring. It's just words. If it doesn't matter, why even get a ring? Then why "propose" again once he gets the ring. You are already engaged, right???
I guess I've been engaged twice before too. Who knew?
@UpstateCait: I mean, that goes without being said that people can walk away from an engagement even if a ring is involved. I think we just mean that when a guy proposes with a ring it is often (not always, of course) more deliberate, since he had to go through the motions/process of securing the ring. This causes him to think his actions through a litte more, making it less likely, or at the very least harder, to just change your mind.
It's kind of like how divorcing is harder than just breaking up because there are "assetts" involved.
@Sunflower--girl: I totally disagree. If a relationship isn't going to work and someone wants to walk away, they're going to do it whether there is a ring or not. A ring, while a sign of commitment to some, is just an accessory.
Also, it's not “just words”. Anyone can spew a bunch of bullshit but most people who reach the point in their relationship where marriage is on the table genuinely want to spend the rest of their lives together, ring or no ring. Even though DH and I both wanted that symbol, our engagement was no more “real” than someone who wasn’t sporting a rock on their finger.
And I don't say any of this to say that being engaged without a ring is any less real. I am just stating my opinion and backing it up with my logic for preferring a proposal with a ring.
@Reign14: Maybe so but it's not like the ring is some legally binding document. My point is that it's not going to stop a relationship from failing if it's heading that way. Assuming that it does is a bit naive, if you ask me.
Agreed, my SO did ask me to marry him already (no one knows though), it was a private moment together where he said it felt so right he just had to ask. However, he doesn't want to make it known or "official" until he has a ring. We, like you are waiting for move in and have sex until we're married so I understand being impatient, we've been together 3 years now, but he's in grad school right now, but I'm hoping as soon as he graduates and gets into a job, we can get this show on the road! but really the jewelry makes no difference, it's what's in the heart :]
I'll say it. I don't believe it is real until there is a ring. If it is real without the ring, then skip the ring altogether.
I think ring + proposal is just the norm. We did it the other way (proposal, ring 3 months later) and I had several people look at my hand after I told them the news (pre-ring). Most people rolled with it, though.
for all intensive purposes I was engaged for almost 6 months without having a ring. My close friends knew and I was okay with that, but from what I have found the general public, random people at work, and classmates didn't believe me or care until there was a ring involved.
We had allready started the planning, saving, stressful nonsence of planning a wedding, I just didn't consider it "officially engaged" until there was a ring becuase that is when I was comfortable telling the world.
@sweetpea87: I agree. I've said it before and I'll say it again: an engagement is a verbal contract. a ring does not make it any more real - or like CaitMarie said - binding.
if you must have a diamond, consider a temporary placeholder. it will take the pressure off of you both. I feel so sorry for all these guys who feel uber pressured to buy a diamond (or other kind of fancy ring) when they totally can't afford it.
I mean... BF and I by your definition are "engaged" then. We know we're going to get married but we don't want to be engaged until its socially acceptable (in our/our parents' eyes). Seriously I tell him every day I can't wait to marry him and he says the same thing and jokes when I say it "are we engaged now?" :-p. I want a ring when we get engaged but I'll probably end up paying for it or most of it at least but yes, we're not engaged yet and I'm happy with that...for a few more months.
We just moved in together and we have sex, so again not a pressure point for us either.
@lamourbleu: I disagree. I considered my DH and I engaged when he formally asked me. He never asked me to marry him before, we just discussed it and agreed that's what we wanted. And I didn't get married to have sex.
There are actually a lot of people on Weddingbee who consider themselves engaged without a proposal. I personally think the proposal is required. I just don't think the ring has to be a part of it. I do not think a person can just say "I consider us engaged." Either you are or you aren't. Either he's asked and you've agreed, or you've both agreed that you are engaged. Not that you're gonna get married one day.
To clarify, since it seems people are confused. My question is why delay a proposal (and marriage) for a ring. Not whether people can be engaged without a ring. They can, and many are. :-)
@UpstateCait: I agree --> "it's not going to stop a relationship from failing if it's heading that way."
We started planning before I had my ring or a "real" proposal. It happened out of one night of talking about our future. The proposal came two months later and I think at that point I was engaged (Even though we had already booked our photographer and venue). It wasn't that our commitment was any less real before that time, but it was the feeling of "Oh my gosh! This is it!"
i think it's because of society's automatic response to "let's see your ring!" when they hear of a new engagement.
so there can be some awkwardness to explain why you don't have one, etc... that is the only reason i can see.
I guess by this threads standards SO and I are engaged. He even recently asked if we could start a wedding fund.
Don't tell HIM that were engaged though, he'll flip! Engaged without a ring? He would never! He says it doesn't feel right to him. I understand that it's just a big plus but this is one bit of tradition that he takes really seriously. He's told me that he wouldn't feel right without the absolute perfect ring.
I personally don't consider us engaged. He never officially proposed.
@Sunflower--girl: Now I wouldn't go so far as to say this --> "I don't believe it is real until there is a ring."
I am actually a bridesmaid in a wedding in July and the bride does not have a ring. But she's bought a dress, her bridesmaids have gotten dresses, she's booked a location (which is at a resort on a carribbean island), and sent out save-the-dates. She is CLEARLY engaged.
But it seems weird that she doesn't have a ring, like it's just wrong. Especially since her bf is always spending his money on other things, like rims for his car, poker games, weed, etc. (sounds bad, I know). I associate her not having a ring with a lack of respect on his part, in a sense (whether that is the case or not). But I know he helps her pay her student loans and is helping to pay for the wedding, so maybe that's the tradeoff for them. But as you can see, I perceive the situation differently than it probably is.
As long as someone engaged without a ring doesn't care what people think, then there's no issue. But I can truly say I do care what people think. And so does my SO, which is why I don't think he'd ever propose without a ring.
@sweetpea87: To your point, I probably wouldn't delay an entire marriage for a ring if he absolutely couldn't get one for some reason. But in the absence of a good azz reason, I'm gonna need a ring! And I'll wait a little longer (not forever though) for the proposal if he needs more time to get one.
The way it worked for us, is we decided to get married before he proposed so I was "waiting on a ring" but more I was waiting on a proposal too. The reason we decided beforehand is because we had been talking on waiting 1-2 more years and we decided together to move it. Being wedding photographers we wanted some more popular vendors so we did start planning the wedding 1-2 months before he proposed. He wanted to make sure I had that perfect surprise moment though and the ring so we didn't publicly announce anything until the ring was on my finger. I don't think the ring makes you any more engaged just giving how it went for us :)
@Reign14: Thank you! I was getting a little frustrated that the point of the thread was getting lost. I respect your desire for a ring. If it doesn't affect your wedding plans, that makes sense. And yeah, delaying for ring for us would have meant delaying the marriage. I suppose if your ideal wedding date is a ways out, you have a little time to spare. :-)
@heatherburks: I get that. I was "waiting for a proposal" too, but didn't feel right planning before one. That's just me, though. It makes sense for your situation. And that's so sweet that he thought of you having your moment. :-)
I think engagement is a commitment you make to each other that does not involve material things. If a ring is involved, it's a bonus. I do not think that it's right to tell a woman she's not really engaged unless she's wearing a ring.
But I can see that the proposal and ring would be important to a more traditional couple; it's just not my style. So to each couple, their own.
We had neither a proposal nor a ring, and that worked for us. I heard my fair share of comments about how that I wasn't "really" engaged because I wasn't wearing a ring. But by the time our plans to marry were public knowledge, we had most of our wedding booked. If that's not official, I don't know what is. When people did ask, "When is he going to make it official?" I got very comfortable telling them, "We have already made it official. A ring is not part of our plans."
I think that the ring solidifies that yes, you are really engaged. You can say you are engaged and planning a wedding without a ring, but I think the majority of people, male or female, won't believe you until you have a ring.
That being said, the ring can be anything from a thin band to a huge stone. It's not the type of ring that matters, but I do think that it's hard for people to believe that you are really engaged without that physical sign that it is really real. I mean, I could have told people for a year that we were engaged and getting married, but very few would have taken me seriously until I had a ring.
Do I think it makes sense that this is how the world works? Not really. But I dont see it changing anytime soon. To be honest, I always thought you were not engaged unless you had a ring until I found the Bee. Now that I have read so many stories as to why people choose to have or not to have a ring, I have a much more open mind about it and wouldn't judge anyone for their choice. Most people dont' see it like that, though, and think a ring means engagement and you are not engaged until you have one.
In some states accepting the ring during a proposal is a legal agreement, in that there are state laws dictating who gets to keep the ring if the couple breaks up. The ring is considered a conditional gift. For me, we were not officially engaged until I had the ring, because I did not feel like we could tell the world we were engaged and I was certainly not willing to pick a date for the wedding much less book vendors. We said we were ready to be married almost two years before we he proposed. Part of buying the ring is stating that you are financially ready for the wedding. While you can do a court house wedding, that was not what we wanted, and so we waited for him to be able to afford a ring and feel like we were finacially ready for the wedding. I would hate to be saving for a ring and a wedding at the same time. And I guess some girls don't want rings, which is fine, but a big part of me wanted to have the symbol on my finger and if thats wrong I blame society.
Weddingbee needs to add a "Like" button. I want to "Like" so many of these posts!
@soyjoy222: Like
@asscherlover: Like
:)
@sweetpea87: My question is why delay a proposal (and marriage) for a ring.
Well for us, it was a financial decision that we made together. We own a home together, and our finances are combined. We could have at any time gone to city hall and gotten married, with our without a ring. We were commited emotionally (and somewhat legally because of our mortgage), but we were waiting until we were financially ready to have the wedding we had discussed and imagined for many years.
The ring is a sign to our friends and family that we are "officially" engaged. Like a PP said, I dont think they would have taken us seriously if we became engaged without a ring. I know it's just an accessory, but to us, it's a symbol. I didn't need or want a huge rock, but my FI and I both wanted a ring.
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