(Closed) just wanted to draw upon some bee wisdom :)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I was in a 3-year relationship that ended in college.  It’s actually the best place to be b/c there are SO many oppurtunities to meet people. 

Join a club, play intramural sports and go to the school sponsored events that you maybe thought were dumb. 

I joined a sorority and met an entirely new set of GREAT girls.

Post # 4
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Hi jadedragon! 

((hugs))  Hang in there, you made such a mature decision to be on your own and I know you’ll be okay!  I know what you mean about not finding guys that are as ‘appealing’, but you really never know where or when you’ll find someone you’re compatible with. This break up is healthy for you since you said that you tend to be dependent on others and now you’ll be able to grow into a stronger independent person.  That confidence will radiate through your attitude and as you keep doing what you’ll doing, you’ll attract the right guy for you.  Just concentrate on yourself and meeting guys will come naturally, don’t look to hard just let it find you.  Keep us posted!  Laughing

Post # 5
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Jadedragon (hugs) to you! I second Daisybride, in that I ended a 4 year relationship in college and it.was.the.best.thing to happen to me, hands down. I thoroughly enjoyed being single (maybe a little too much! lol) and did things for ME for the first time in my life. I wasn’t *too* consumed with meeting a potential BF (but, hey, I wasn’t going to turn any potential guys away or anything! lol) but when I finally did meet my FI, I was in the best place for me. Good luck and enjoy the single life.

Post # 6
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Oh, honey – I have been where you are, and more than once. I think you may get a lot of that, and I hope that you can take comfort in the fact that most of the posters here who have been there are either engaged or already married. And look – we’re all fine.

I don’t know exactly what to say to you, because I feel like you know that you have a lot of learning to do (in life and in love) and that you need to grow and live for yourself. My parents say I was indpendent from birth, so as far as that part of it goes, we’re a little different. But I think you really need to stop and ask yourself what interests, excites and makes YOU happy, and then focus on those things. Make things happen for yourself, and challenge yourself to do things outside of your usual comfort zone. The relationship that lasts may come when you’re in the middle of doing something you’re crazy about.

Personally, had I married the guy I was dating at 20 (and it could very easily have happened), I would have a completely different life, and I know for a fact that I would not have done ANY of the amazing things I have done since we parted ways. I would not have traveled the world or had experiences that have shaped me as the person I am now. I wouldn’t have had the other relationships that ended (some terribly, some not so), but that each taught me something important about myself and about life.

You will be fine, and like the PP said, college is a PHENOMENAL time to be single. So is after college! You meet people in the least likely of places, I promise you. Just keep your chin up, smile and be open (but cautious when necessary) to meeting different people. And as far as those Ivy-leaguers not being “desirable”, sometimes you have to look for hidden potential.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Like DaisyBride and VegasBaby, I too was in a long term relationship in college (approx. 5 years) and it ended when I graduated. When it happened I was lost and wasn’t sure I was going to find anyone else whom I would love so dearly as I loved that guy but the break-up was one of the best things that happened to me.

I was independent already but it helped me to grow as a person. I learned more about myself and most importantly I found happiness within myself instead of another. When I was right with myself is when my FI stepped into my world. Believe it or not, I met him online and technically we weren’t really searching. I was new in the area with 2 friends so I was looking for companionship and found so much more.

So keep your head up. Your next love will come when you least expect it. Try to spend this time learning more about yourself and finding that inner happiness because no man should complete you. He should most certainly be a bonus πŸ™‚ and a bones he will be! 

Post # 8
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Jade dragon,

There are so many amazing people and amazing opportunities out there.  I find that at the times when I’m living my life and pursuing the interests that I love, that relationships found me.  And, when I was least thinking about finding the love of my life (I was moving to Idaho for a 2 month rotation), well, that’s when I found him!  Despite having met this wonderful guy, I still decided to 1) travel to India by myself 2) take a job that was 12 hours away from him 3) continue my education.  It is really important (and attractive) to foster an independent self.

I kept my standards for a partner really high, throughout my 20’s and into my 30’s (though my mom and sisters were probably a little panicky for me!).  I would have much rather been alone than to settle for someone less than a great match for me.  It takes a little bit of a leap of faith, but the fact is that if relationships are something that you value, then you are likely to find one… regardless of the timeline.  So I would just say open yourself to the possibilities afforded by your life and everything will be as it should be!

Post # 9
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

You’ve gotten some great advice from the posters above, and I’m also going to include my own story!

I also broke up with my BF after 3 years my senior year of college, and it was by far, the best thing that ever happened to me as well. I didn’t think so at the time…I was scared out of my mind that I wouldn’t be able to find anyone else, but I had a blast finding out everything that I did or didn’t want. After college, I met people through friends, co-workers and many other different places! College is definitely a great place to meet people, but so are friends of friends of friends!

I was single for a good 3 years until I finally met my husband. How did I meet him? He worked with my older brother! They used to golf together all the time, and I lived with my brother at the time. He used to look forward to seeing my car outside everytime he would drop my brother off so that he could come in to say hello. The rest of course is history, and we’ll be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary soon! So in the next few years, you will find out what you do and don’t want in a husband. Had I not broken up with that BF, I would have never found my husband, and my life would have been VERY different, and I would have been VERY unhappy.

Post # 10
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think this is a wonderful sort of thread to have in the hive. Something to remind us not to settle for anything less than what we want in a partner and to stay strong.

I was in a serious relationship in college that I thought was going to lead to marriage. At that point it was my only serious relationship in my life. He broke up with me a few months before the end of senior year, so that he could be with another mutual friend of ours (about whom I’d always had my suspicions….). My heart was broken. I was utterly miserable. I had to navigate those few months of watching my then-ex-boyfriend cavort around with his new girlfriend. I thought that I had lost my chance at finding someone forever, thinking that there will never be another opportunity like the melting-pot of college to meet someone, that after college all there is is this vast dating wasteland and I had better hurry up and snag myself a husband.

Well, I was wrong. You are too. 

The best advice I can give is to work on truly believing and understanding that being happily single is infinitely preferrable to being unhappily partnered. Of course we would all rather be happily partnered—but we don’t have a lot of direct control over that. So you can worry about the future and try everything you can to get a boyfriend, any boyfriend, in the hopes that he will be The One, or you can give up the fight. Be able to say, “I accept the possibility that I may be single forever, if I never meet someone who is truly right for me.”

Find a counselor to talk to. Cultivate your own friendships. Get involved in things you are interested in because you are interested in them, not just because you are trying to meet a boyfriend. If you’re not in something for its intrinsic value, then you’re wasting your time. I met my husband years after college while I was out at a dance because I like dancing. It’s a good thing too, because it would have really hurt our relationship if I had just been in it to meet boys (and lots of people do this), because we wouldn’t have been able to truly share that hobby! Identify any type of thing you enjoy, and then do that thing, however small. (Like hot chocolate on a cold evening? Make the best darn hot chocolate there ever was.)

If you’ve done some things during the breakup that you are ashamed of, try your hardest not to do them again. They may feel good at the time but in the long run you will be glad that you restrained yourself. I thought about doing many awful things when I got dumped in college and I kept myself from them. At the time it was hard and now not-doing these things are some of my proudest achievements.

Then go and live your life the way you want to live it. Ironically, the happily single person is the kind of person who is best able to be happily partnered! Have you ever noticed that people in happy relationships get hit on a lot? It’s because they’re not worrying about finding someone. But you have to really believe it for it to work. Good luck and I know you are going to be just fine. πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

How you are feeling is NOT ridiculous, in the least!!  I’m in my mid-30’s…besides my FI, I’ve had 3 great loves. Each time a relationship with them ended, I thought there was NO WAY I could EVER find love like that again.  And, each time I found love again, I was shocked to think I could love that person – perhaps even MORE deeply than the one before.

It’s not that you replace that past love, it’s that the new one is so different, as the dimensions of your relationship with that person will be completely unique to your relationship with him.

I know it seems like this will NEVER happen – but, trust me, it will.  I hope you journal, because it’s always been nice for me to go back, read my journal entries, and see how life turns out different than anticipated.

I can definitely understand your fear of going back to school and feeling alone.  You will feel that way at times – I’m not going to lie to you – but it’s not going to be the worst thing to experience.  Focus on making new friends – remember – there are probably tons of girls feeling the EXACT same thing on your campus!!  I was really frustrated that I didn’t meet ‘the one’ during my college years – but I tried not to make that diminish my experience.  It’s a balance to learn, one that you will get better at with each day.

My best advice to you is this:

1.  Learn to do what you love (hobbies, work, volunteerism, etc.).  Don’t do things in hope of meeting ‘him’ – do things that interest you and things that you think may be something you might love.  You’ll try things that you won’t like – and other things you think may not fit, will be what you are most passionate about.  

2.  Don’t compare your journey with others.  I had to watch a lot of friends get engaged, married, and have kids and it really stressed me out at times.  I felt like it would NEVER happen to me.  It’s hard to NOT feel that way from time to time, but be intentional about not getting lost in the muck, if you find yourself there.  You are writing your own story – your life is different and unique from anyone else.

3.  Befriend everyone!  Get to know people at school you usually wouldn’t associate with.  Do this by just being kind, share a smile, say hello in passing.  I know it’s hard to do, but do something small every day and it will become easier over time.  

Hugs and best wishes to you.  You will get through this!!  And, it’s ok to mourn your BF.  It takes time to get over those we’ve cared for deeply.  But, you are only in the beginning of writing your story… the best is yet to come!

Post # 12
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Wow!  Great advice from Chelsea and oracle!

Post # 13
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Honey, you just said it all – you are at an Ivy-League school, which you got yourself there – without the help of a man – therefore, you probably could tackle many things- especially being single. One of the nice things of being a single women after college is that you really get to embrace being a young professional in that you attend social happy hours for other young professionals – dont know your career plans – but I promise you that you wont be the only single person in your local field. Im in law school and graduated college single. I easily met people in my city at work and happy hours with similar interests – just make sure you stick to good crowds etc. Its a fun moment in your life when you graduate – stick to your close friends, go out and mingle her and there – there is no rush girlfriend! I met my fiancee at work , after college and really we mingled outside the office at happy hours with other similarly situated young professionals.

Dont be a hermit crab or stick only in your very tight circle – I have a sister who dated a guy who could have cared less for her while she was in college and I thought she missed out on the entire college experience – you meet so many peopel in college- trust me, there’s no rush. You are a smart girl who knows what she wants – you are obviously aware of what you’d like to do to mingle, etc & aware of the fact you are an individual beyond a relationship – you are 20!!!!!!!!!!! I didnt meet FH till I was 25 and about a year after a failed relationship.

Trust me, the world is your oyster and you will indulge, now and later. So dont rush & enjoy!

Post # 16
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Another great thing is to do some hobbies/clubs OUTSIDE of school! Do you like to play sports, dance, public speaking (toastmasters) etc. Also if you get a part-time job you can meet a lot of great people that way too and they don’t necessarily have to be from your school.

I know how scary it can be forcing yourself to make new friends and meet new people – but the more people you meet and the more opportunities you pounce on you are bound to meet lots and lots of wonderful men!

All I can say is try not to worry about it so much – go out, have fun and find yourself – when you find yourself and you are confident in yourself – guys will just be drawn to you and then you can have the pick of the litter! 

Know what you want – and NEVER settle!

Good luck and have fun!!!!Laughing

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