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Does anyone know anything about someones FI that they don't?
That's the situation I am in. This info concerns my friend and the man she plans to marry. I'm sure if she knew she would want to reconsider. I don't think there is anyway to bring this up, but don't know what will happen when, if, she finds out. There are a lot of people who know about this, including her family. She is a very naive person and not experienced at all, but not terribly young. She is not open to hearing anything uncomplementary about him.
thats hard..
and theres no way of telling her? I would want someone to tell me right away!
I don't think she would believe anyone and no one wants to tell her. Her father thinks she should know, but doesn't have a good relationship with her and the mom doesn't want to hurt her.
Can you provide "generally" what the issue is? I've always felt that you need to keep your mouth shut about someone's SO because they will never choose you over them BUT what you can do, is slighly point things out to her until she sees. Such as "Friend, don't you find it weird that your FI is always spending time with so and so girl and comes home smelling of perfume? I'm not sure you should be comfortable with that since girl has the hots for him." Something like that. Worse case though, you may have to have an intervention but be prepared to lose the friendship. Good luck!
It depends on what it actually is, and the problem is that there is no way to judge that without imposing our own views. I guess it depends on how severe it is -- what is going to hurt her more: telling her bad news or letting her continue with a guy who is cheating/lying/possibly going to hurt her and maybe even after she's deeper in the relationship? Obviously, it sounds like this can't end well for her. And there is merit in letting one make her own mistakes, but I think, depending on what it is, I would tell. It's not the messenger's fault. And I would rather spare her so she can heal and move on faster. But, crucial to telling, it would have to be something tangible about the other person -- "Look at the email your SO sent hitting on me and asking to hook up behind your back" is different from an opinion "I just think your SO is not the best person for you because he is a loser" or something. That all being said, it is much harder once you are actually in that situation. Good luck!
I kind of did once and it didn't turn out well for me. Actually, it was after my friend told me that her FI had cheated on her and his excuse was because they had an argument. She ended things with him and called me crying so I did what any good friend does and told her she was better off. A few months later, they get back together and she stops talking to me.
Moral of the story...it's a very delicate topic to approach. If you do tell her, while you are looking out for her best interest, you might end up getting hurt in the end as well. No one likes to hear negative things about their SO. Sorry if that wasn't much help but good luck with whatever you choose to do.
I'm also suprised her family doesn't want to say anything. They are the ones allowed to and will be forgiven much easier.
She doesn't get along too well with her dad and her mom is afraid to say anything. She has told her mom he comes before their relationship. Most anyone would realize something about him. She is one of the naive people I have ever met and she is totally in love with him.
Another one of her friends and I have talked about it, but we can't imagine how the conversation could go.
Just tell her that you are very sorry, but you have to tell her something about her FI that she probably doesn't want to hear. You should let her know that it will have to be her decision about what to do about it, and that you will stand by her whatever she chooses to do.
In the most benign way of saying this he has only dated men in the past and continues to have relationships. I feel so quilty for saying this. I know she is going to be so hurt but it's amazing she doesn't see this. For instance all his male friends are gay and he always takes her to gay friendly places. Believe me there is a lot more, but I feel too guilty for saying this much.
Hate to say it, but even if she was receptive, she would deny it. A friend of mine is doing this. He has even said he knows six months in, he'll probably be ready to separate/divorce, but he just feels like he "has to," that since they're engaged he's in too deep. He was still his lively self then.
Then she found out me and FI were talking to this good friend, that I stayed up late at FI and his apartment trying to help him talk through it, and she hated me for it and I think has totally turned him into a different person. It's sad.
OH WOW. That changes things.
Why not say something to him? Why say it to her?
We think he wants to get married because he is very "religious" and maybe is fighting it himself.
Er, are you sure that this is a problem and she doesn't know? He could well be bi and she could well know that. I think if you are convinced she doesn't know he's dated men you should tell her that but not in a "you need to know this terrible thing so u can break up with him" but in the context of "i was wondering if you knew or if FI had not been comfortable telling you because i thought you aught to have this information."
To ask an indelicate question, have they been to bed together?
I didn't see that coming - - Yowza this can be a sticky situation. Is there a reason why her parents and/or you (not just you I mean her friends in general) don't speak with him? This is coming out wrong - - - - - is there a way that the people who know him can confront him about this sitaution? Yes in the short run it will be hard and tough and challenging but in the long run it will be so much happier and for the better for all parties........
Well maybe he is bi but he definately prefers men. There is a lot to this story that I don't want to write here. Like I said she is very naive. I am SURE she doesn't know. She does comment sometimes about how he knows so many gay men she finds it amusing.
Her mom might be able to say something to him. I just can't see him admitting it. I think he does like her and they have a good time together. They like to do most of the same things. She has always been afraid of guys and some of the attraction for her might be that he is not real "macho".
What a brutal situation! I think someone definitely has to talk to him or her just to get everything out in the open. I couldn't imagine one of my friends knowing something like that about my FI and me not knowing. I'd be crushed. Even if she is super naive I think she has the right to know and choose what to do with the information.
Best of luck!
But do you think you would believe it? No one thinks she will listen no matter what. We don't have the same group of friends as he does. No one is our group would want to say anything to him.
I might not believe it right away but I would research it myself and then make up my mind. I definitely think she has the right to know even if she's not going to believe it.
Her mom keeps telling me what a good friend I am and how she will need her friends. I am going to try to get her mom to talk to her about it. Before she met him they were very close. I have heard her mom ask her things like "why do you think he has so many gay friends" she just says she doesn't know.
I would tell her. It doesn't matter how, but as a friend you owe it to her. I would try to get together with her mom and other mutual friends and all tell her together - I understand not wanting to hurt her, but she will definitely be hurt more in the future if you don't say anything. He shouldn't be using her as his vehicle for denial.
If you do have any hard evidence (you seem very convinced of this, so I assume you do), can you show it to her? It's hard to deny facts.
Yes... I agree with GirlWithARing... is there any way you could get together with her, her parents, and other friends in a group setting? This is terrible to say, but like an "intervention", where you tell her all how you feel and what your thoughts are.
I had a friend in this same situation -- she was dating a man that was actually gay, but also very religious and fighting it himself. Everyone around her knew it, his friends tried to tell her, he KIND OF tried to tell her, but she was blissfully (and perhaps willfully) ignorant. I wasn't her friend at the time, but she was telling me how difficult this was for her. People trying to tell her the truth of the situation, she saw as "the devil trying to break up their relationship that was 'of God'".
Ultimately, he broke up with her, and I think that was the ONLY way that she would have actually let him go -- at least while she was still in love & thinking she was doing the right thing & living a "Godly" relationship. I think the only way to get through to her may be if HE breaks up with her--quite honestly. It doesn't sound like you are the person appropriate to do this, but if this FI loves this woman -- even if not sexually attracted to her -- he needs to be the one to let her go. Perhaps a close friend of his (if you happen to know any) could convince him to do the unselfish thing--saving her from SEVERE heartbreak later on, and also allowing him to pursue what makes him happy, even if he can't freely do it right now, hopefully he will be able to soon, and once he doesn't have this facade to keep up.
In any event, I hope that your friend ends up with a happy ending & it's great that she has a friend that is honestly trying to figure out how to find a solution in her best interests.
That sounds like a really tough situation and I'm not surprised everyone is struggling to figure out what to do. To be honest I'm not sure if it matters if she believes you or not - you need to tell her anyway. Imagine her humiliation when she finds out (bc she will - a person can only deny their true feelings so long) and THEN finds out that in fact EVERYONE ELSE KNEW. As devastating as it would be to hear this news from others, I can imagine that being MORE devastating and will hurt a lot more in the long-term. I would probably try to talk to the FI as well but it depends on your relationship with him.
wow. i would NOT tell her with a large group.. you need to pull her aside quiet or SOMEONE has to... it would be soo much more humiliating any other way.
I'm still not sure whether everyone is convinced he is gay or if it is non controversial that he's had relationships with guys. If it is non controversial than you should absolutely tell her that he's dated guys. This is definitely something that happens and leads to heartbreak and she needs to know. It is dispicable that he hasn't told her. But as someone who is bi I am sensitive to the idea that someone who might have a preference for one gender can enjoy both and fall in love with somone of a different gender than they've dated in the past.
I think someone has to tell her, and maybe that someone is you. IF he is carrying on sexual relationships with other men, he is also putting her health at risk. And if she marries him and has a family, she will be even more devasted when she finds out - and eventually she will. While it will be painful now, it is far better now than down the road....if you can provide proof when you talk to her, that will hopefully deal with the denial
Oh wow! In college, I was studying to be a sex therapist and while women can be bi sexual on the Kinsey scale, men that have relations with men are almost always gay. There is no such thing as a bi sexual man that is to say. Women can go from males and females no problem, while men will always have an ingrained draw to men if they have gay tendencies. I don't want this to turn into a debate, but if you google Kinsey homosexuality scale it's all there. I do want to stress that this is something your friend needs to know. You would not be a good friend not to tell her, you could be sparing her a lifetime of hurt. She may even have inklings but needs someone to validate those feelings. She needs to know this, please tell her.
She needs to know. How bad will you feel, letting their marriage continue? He may be able to fake being a good fiance now, but you can't fake being a good husband forever...poor girl is living a lie. And if she chooses not to believe it, at least you told her and she can make her own choices. If he wants to be straight and live that life, they can see a therapist if they are truly in love. Maybe he really does love her but likes men, also. But the fact that he's cheating on her with men...not good or safe. I think a lot of these issues can be dealt with with a professional.
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