Post # 1
Before I start: I am not in this situation, simply curious. I’ve seen a couple posts where the women threaten to put an ultimatum on the table: either get married or break up. What about all the time invested into the relationship? What if all they needed was more time? How long would you wait?
Post # 3
Ultimatums are a disaster in process.
I much prefer the frank talk method (infact IMO… ALL couples / relationships should be open and honest about the status of the relationship… be that a romantic one, a friendship one… including BFFs or Family Members)
Important to talk and keep the lines of communication open… it is the mature adult way to handle things
In a romantic relationship that means having the LIFE PLAN talk.
You tell some one your LIFE PLAN, they tell you theirs. Then you know. Stay or Go, the choice is yours at that point.
Post # 4
I think ultimatums for mariage are a recipe for disaster! One of my best friends did this with her SO and it forced him to propose to her before he was ready. The engagement failed. Each person should proceed with their relationship to marriage only if they are BOTH ready. If one person is ready and the other isn’t then the one who is ready should assess how they feel to decide if what they really want is to be with this person they claim to love or if they just want to be married, in which case maybe it is time to find someone else who has the same relationship goals.
Post # 5
Ultimatums are never fair or effective in general. If you need to give someone an ultimatum for marriage, you shouldn’t be getting married IMO.
Post # 6
I just don’t get it.
I truly hope that these guys answer the ‘walk dates’ with walking away right there and then.
Post # 7
I know of a few couples who got engaged with an ultimatum. 1 never got married, 3 are divorced and 1 is still together.
Personally I don’t think an ultimatum is healthy and usually shows that there are other relationship issues. (usually, not always)
Post # 8
@lovelee1: I would never, EVER give him an ultimatum. Sorry but I feel like it’s just a really stupid, childish thing to do. If he hasn’t proposed yet then he probably has his reasons, right? IMO telling somebody ‘if you don’t give me an engagement ring I’ll leave you!’ is the same as a child saying ‘if you don’t give me a new toy I’ll scream!’.
I just don’t understand why instead of having a mature conversation and then maybe going to counselling, you’d try and force your boy/girlfriend to propose? If you plan on spending the rest of your life with a person then you should be considerate enough of their feelings not to make them take a step they’re not ready for. Ugh, I feel like engagements that start this way are doomed to failure.
Post # 9
Id never give one but I would walk away if we werent on te same page timeline wise.
Post # 10
I think marriages that begin with an open, honest discussion on both ends (not just the man deciding if/when) are most successful. Those that begin with ultimatums, pressure, walk dates, etc are not so successful.
Post # 11
I don’t think ultimatums are healthy.
Post # 12
I think it depends on the reason for the ultimatum. There’s a huge difference between “I’m not ready for marriage” and “I don’t want to put the time and effort into planning a wedding, because it will eat into X,Y,Z time, so I’m going to put it off as long as I can.”
For religious reasons I didn’t want to live together before we were married, but when someone moves to a new continent to be with you, you compromise.
He was content to just keep living together forever without getting married. I was not, and was totally uncomfortable with our living situation. I didn’t give him the ultimatum to convince him he was ready to be together forever, he’d already said he was many times. It was a matter of him respecting me and my feelings, and putting them ahead of his laziness. I don’t think he understood what an important issue it was to me until I told him we either get married or I get my own place.
I suppose this could fall under ‘frank talk’. It wasn’t a threat so much as an expression of my needs and what I could handle, and what I planned to do about our situation if he continued to put marriage off.
Post # 13
@MrsWBS: This exactly. I want to marry SO. He wants to marry me. If that ever changes (for either of us) we need to reevaluate the relationship and individually decide whether we should continue together, not try to threaten the other into getting our way.
Post # 14
I would never issue a man an ultimatum. However, with that being said, marriage was never “important” to me. I never sat around dreaming about a wedding or getting married. When I began dating my husband, he and I were committed to each other, for life, regardless of whether or not marriage happened. We got married for a few reasons (The military really gives incentives to marry) that really benefit us as a whole. But despite those, I would have stayed with him without an inkling of marriage on the table.
Different strokes for different folks, but I think ultimatums are an awful way to start off a marriage.
Post # 15
Post # 16
I wouldn’t want to, because I’d feel like I was forcing him into it.. you want a man to marry you on his own volition.
I get that some guys need a bit of a kick in the butt sometimes, which I think depending on the situation is ok, but a full out ultimatum is not something I’d want to give.
My SO and I talked about marriage very early on. My ex wouldn’t hear any of it. Guess who I ended up with??