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I'm putting this in newlyweds because I'm thinking more once you're married (where finances and assets tend to be shared/held mutually), but it could apply to anyone who has a partner.
Does anyone have any thoughts about keeping some money - several thousand even - somewhere 'secret' (like, a bank account that your husband doesn't know about), 'just in case'?
Just in case he leaves you, you need to leave him in a hurry, he gambles the family fortune away and you're otherwise destitute, he dies and you can't get access to joint accounts for a while... you get the idea.
Does doing so say something about you and/or your relationship? Or is it a sensible thing to do given that we marry (and are) fallible humans?
We aren't married yet, but we will have our own bank accounts even after marriage. It's actually impossible to have a joint account here, but even if it were possible, we would feel the same way. We will share joint bills/childcare/etc etc, but we also have our own personal expenses. My mother has always been very vocal that I never let a man have control over my expenses - her close friend's daughter was physically, emotionally, and economically abused. She was actually starving because he was controlling the amount of money she had and how she spent it. She couldn't leave him because she had no money in her name and was living in a different place from her family members. The whole incident terrified my mother. I also saw how important it was for my mother to have her own account after my father died suddenly and we had to live without his accounts for awhile (he was the sole breadwinner at the time). Bad things happen :( However, I would never hide the money from my FI. It would upset me if he had secret assets or accounts...but if it's out in the open...I think it's very very very smart.
from my construction payroll days... men have cunning kits and women have escape kits :D
and yes, i have a stash of funds that hubby rarely knows about.... especially as we have seperate account and have no plans on combining accounts in the near future.
but, i usually let him know about the $$$ when something comes up. example in november we went on vacay for 2 weeks, although the trip had already been paid for i had the funds for us to splurge totally on rental cars, helicopter transfers, restaurants, shopping (we went on a rum factory tour and he spent $400 on limited edition bottles & shirts-never let that man taste test and shop i tell you!)
right now, i have no real intention of having a slush fund what will remain super secret from hubby, its more like a happy surprise & splurge slush fund
well, not all our accounts are shared right now, but that's for lazy reasons ;) I still put never, bc technically (w/o a prenup) everything is half mine. You just have to know how to get to your $ I'd presume, and I still work and still have a large portfolio of investments, etc, that cannot easily/quickly be accessed by either of us.
Of course I can't ever see this happening, but playing what if...I guess I'm lucky, too, that my parents would always take me if needed. They are pretty well off and have a big house. Plus, they'd come out with the lawyers a blazin' if DH did anything extreme.
For 2010, we are sitting down to have a more formal budget, though, and we might both get a "mad money" allowance" that if we don't spend still goes to each of us separately, but I doubt that will be much, bc we are building up our emergency fund, fixing up the house, and hoping to pay off my student loans early!
I don't (i'm only 23 i just graduated, lol) but if i was older, yes, i'd have a "stash".
As it is now, I have mom and dad. If something happens, I know they'd bail me out. Mom keeps a couple of my deposit slips anyways "just in case" (she asked for them) and I do have her credit card. Sometimes she asks me to buy stuff online with it (i'm more savvy than her) but i also know i could buy a plane ticket if i needed to.
There's nothing really wrong with it. I don't like the idea of it necessarily (some say you shouldn't marry someone you don't trust but I also don't like the idea of being too naive either), but I understand it's relatively practical too. And i'm all about practical with a capital P.
I don't really like the idea of having hidden money. In the near future, I have an inheritance coming to me so if something happened within the near term, I could tap that. Otherwise, I know that my dad would help me if something ever happened. But I really do believe that being in a marriage means that we trust each other and talk to each other before making major decisions about our money. I understand providing for yourself though.
I would never do that. it is one thing to keep your checking account separate after you get married, but to not disclose it is like cheating for me. I wouldn't want him to keep that a secret either. Once your married well before too their should be full disclosure of everything especially if it involves money. He can keep his passwords for email etc. and so can I, but to hide money is a little above and beyond. Those matters should definitely be discussed before marriage so you see wher you stand on that.
I totally get the practical aspect of it. And I think if it's something you want to do then go for it. FH and I are planning on keeping our personal accounts exactly so that we have "emergency money" for ourselves if anything should happen. We both know what it's for and we understand that and that's that.
Okay, secret money accounts really make me nervous.. I don't see anything wrong with having your own bank account with only your name on it, but I have a HUGE problem with it being a secret. As it stands, I'm kind of in the same boat as EJS, I have my mom and dad (but also a small savings account with about 3k in it that Mr. KM knows about) that would bail me out in a heartbeat.
With the fact that you're supposed to go into a marriage being honest, the "secret money" thing kind of skeeves me out.Honestly, I think it really shows a certain level of distrust of your partner to have it be a secret. If they know about it, but their name isn't on the account and they have no way to get to it, it's safe. You can even tell the bank that NO ONE else is supposed to get into that account- my mom's name is on my account in case I die or something ridiculous like that, but Mr. KM knows where the account is, too. Not that it matters, because I trust him absolutely and completely. He's an ethicist, though, so maybe I lucked out.
My husband and I have joint checking and savings accounts and we each have our own checking accounts. We both know about our separate accounts. Right now, I'm unemployed and totally dependent on him for income (aside from my paltry unemployment) so it's not like I have a large amount of money put away. When I start working again, I'll try to build up my balance but it's just practical. If I want to buy him a gift, I don't want to use our joint account. Plus, God forbid something happen to him, I like the idea of having immediate access to money. I worked at a bank for almost 10 years, and I learned a lot of lessons. People die unexpectedly, people change, trustworthy husbands (and wives) run off with all the money, etc. Do I think any of those things will happen? Not really but it pays to be smart. I think it's totally ok to have separate accounts/credit cards but I don't like the idea of hiding money from my partner. I don't care how much money he has stashed away and he doesn't care how much money I have stashed away as long as the bills are paid and we can buy the things we need on a day to day basis. We are both very open about our finances and our goals.
I guess by "stash" i mean money i have access to that he doesn't. I'd probably keep the amount secret, and just be like "i have money in a savings account somewhere". But, I honestly don't know exactly how my DH has in savings, either. I just know he has it. And that doesn't weird me out. I think it'd be weird if like, 20 years down the road he said "oh hey here's an additional 10K i have" because, well, we coulda used that on the house!
I dunno, nowadays, do you really need a secret stash with the whole credit cards things being around? If you have your own credit card, essentially you can get away any time you need to, right?
its less about a secret stash since we are getting a joint account for household expenses, but we have our own accounts as well, so what is ours is ours and what is each person is each persons. so no need to keep it secret - hes not really checking up on mypersonal account and im not checking on his.
@ejs, I generally agree with what you said, but I think over a certain amount in savings should be shared if you're doing something such as buying a house, etc.
But yes, the credit card statement is totally accurate IMO. With a car and a credit card you don't need anything else really to get away.
I'm with Spaganya - we'll each have a little of our own separate money and it's not supposed to be a "secret." Once married, we're planning to deposit our paychecks into a joint account, then each month auto-transfer some "individual fun money" into each of our separate accounts. If we choose to spend this or save it up over time, that's up to each of us. So will I have some savings that is mine alone, definitely, but I hope that he would have his own too.
Good question. DF and I have a joint current account and joint savings account. We both have our own current accounts, where our wages get paid into. We then transfer an amount into the joint accoun to pay mortgage, bills, family birthday presents etc. All my savings go into our joint savings account for the HM and a new car.
I have started to put money aside to pay for things for him, such as his wedding present. I do wonder if I should put more money in and just have it there, but then a) everything we buy together is a joint purchase in any case b) I can't imagine us not being together.
My mum was divorced and I am sure if I had this discussion with her would encourage me to put money aside in a "just in case" fund.
@littlemissmoo, No i totally agree with you. It's one thing if you're hoarding 50K (i'd be livid!), another if it's like, a few grand, nothing substantial.
I have an idea of approximately how much DH has in savings, but we've already discussed it's an emergency fund. If we didn't already have a house, we would've used it towards that, for sure!
Hmm.. It's honestly hard to imagine having a secret stash, but at the same time I totally understand the practicality of it. People change and even if you trust them 100% when you marry them, things happen you can't predict and it makes financial sense to protect yourself.
Like EJS, my parents will also bail me out if anything bad happens. But i'm not comfortable depending on that so maybe I should create a secret stash. A lot to think about!
Mr. S and I have both agreed to keep some funds separate, but they won't be secret funds. That idea makes me uncomfortable. I think planning for an unknown future through a prenuptual agreement, well-drafted will (you want to make sure you have access to your joint funds if you outlive your partner, not just if you leave him/her), and some separate accounts is a good idea, but I don't like the idea of going into a marriage with secret (not just separate) money. It seems unfair.
I get that some people have separate accounts, but to keep that a secret makes it seem like you don't trust your husband/FI. If it's an account that he can't access anyway, what difference does it make if he knows about it? It's not like he would be able to stop you if you had to access it in case of an emergency.
However, I do think that I am in the minority in this whole topic of separate money. My FI and I only plan to have joint accounts--no separate personal accounts. I just personally don't see the point. Any money I make that I put into a personal account is money that I"m taking away from us. My FI would never ever tell me not to buy shoes or clothes or anything else for myself (unless I had a serious shopping habit that was making me financially irresponsible) and so I don't see the need to keep it separate, and definitely would never keep it secret. I think that would be a deal breaker for FI, if he found out I was hiding a stash of money from him.
I am not against the idea morally, I just think that there are relatively easy ways to have a safety stash, and there isn't a need for secrecy.
Let me put an addendum on my answer. I would Never do this UNLESS I had a fiscally irresponsible husband who liked to gamble or spend money recklessly. We are both pretty responsible so hiding the money would be lying which would lead to other problems.
Ok, my MIL suggested I do this because of how her marriage ended.
She said you need to make sure if something happens to your marriage that you have money on the side to support yourself.
No like 2 million dollars on the side be just enough like $10K or 5K maybe??
and I could see my husband doing it too.
Now, thinking about it, we are kind of doing it now. We both have ING accounts that I have no idea how much money is in his. We do have a joint account and personal accounts. So we do have our own money to spend how we wish.
If I turned the question around... would I be mad if my husband had money on the side. NOPE. I would hope that he would take it from the money he is making and not the money I made. If he was taking my money, then yeah I would be mad.
I definitely don't think I'd ever do that. We have both agreed that we'll probably have both joint and separate accounts, so we're able to spend money on ourselves without feeling bad, but we plan to be completely open about how much money is going in there, etc. I think that's very important!
We're not even engaged yet and talk about how much money we have in our checking and savings account. Mr. KM knows my PIN and how to get into my accounts if he really wanted or needed to. This really sounds like a trust issue at the end of the day. We're both financially responsible (mostly... I confess that I'm lazy when it comes to paying bills cause it's such a hassle!) and trust eachother completely.
My husband's good friend's wife took me aside and recommended that I do this. Just squirel away $20 here and there. She's been happily married for fifteen years. Maybe it's a good idea. I'm not that good at squirreling. I live in the moment too much. My hubby supports me because I had to quit my job and move to marry him. So right now, no squirrelling.
I think he has secret accounts though. Or I fantasize that he does! lol! It would be great if he was hiding a bit of money for a rainy day or a house or our unborn children's college fund...
lol, guilty. he kinda knows about it, and i always move its hiding place around. its kinda our joke that i hoard things (money, candy, things i dont want to share because im 10 years old :) )
it doesnt seem to bother him, especially when he wants mexican food and knows i always have cash hidden somewhere.
im not sure if i would be comfortable totally keeping it from him, like a secret bank account. i dont think i would go for that.
I have a stash fund, and Im proud to say it.
I managed to go in with my brother on a house and we sold it before FH and I were together. I invested the money and I have some sitting aside in a bank account. FH does not know about the bank account, it has kept us afloat sometimes but I only take out whats necessary and I put the money back in when I get paid.
I will tell him when were married, but not before then. Simply because if he knows now he will suggest that we use it to pay for the wedding instead of 50/50. My plan is to use a little bit for the honeymoon, and then suprise him to use it as a deposit for a house. and then start my own little stash pile again...
I wouldn't be adverse to having a separate stash per se (we have joint everything right now), but I would never keep it secret. My view is that secrets in marriage are not a good thing!
I plan to keep at least a few thousand in a separate savings account, but it isn't a secret. He knows 100% about all of my assets.
I feel strongly about having your own account but the only reason I can think of for keeping it secret is if your husband would throw a fit or insist you use it or otherwise be an asshole and in that case that's a problem you should deal with instead of avoid it by keeping it a secret. So, yes your own stash, no one keeping it secret.
My FI is old-fashioned in that he feels that even if I work, the most I will be contributing to the household is maybe groceries and some utilities...if that. He actually encourages me to keep a separate checking/savings account that he will even contribute to b/c he can't bear to see how much it costs to "maintain" me (it costs abt $250 - $300 every time I get my hair braided for instance). Plus...it's just practical....he is nosey so I would NEVER be able to surprise him with stuff like I do now if I didn't have my own accounts =) So...if I need to make a quick get away, get my hair or nails done, or simply surprise him with a gift...I can.
P.S. But I would never have an account that he knew NOTHING about. To me, that's dishonest.
I said "Never" because I couldn't imagine this ever happening. We do have joint accounts, but I have my personal credit card that he can't touch, so I could rely on that if I had to. Also, my parents would be willing to help me out if need be as well. I guess I am pretty trusting since the hubs manages all the finances including my retirement, but since it's in my name and I can log in and check on the amounts, balance, etc, I do feel like I have some control over it. Also since we are married without a pre-nup everything gets split down the middle if the worst should happen. But I def don't think the worst will ever happen. He knows the only way he gets a divorce is if he cheats or abuses me, and if that happens then he will probably have my dad and my brother gunning for him anyway.... ;-)
we aren't married yet, but we have joint accounts. i couldn't, and wouldn't do it. i trust him and i want him to trust me, not have secrets in our marriage and relationship. god for bid something happens to him or me, we both have amazing families who would help me, or him (whoever needs the help) get back on our feet. of course i don't want to have to rely on other people, but i pick that over lying to my husband any day.
I voted for the mixed feelings option.
On one hand, I can understand wanting that protection in case something happens. On the other though, it says I don't trust my husband, and that's what we've built our relationship on. I know I would be disappointed if I found out the hubs was hiding money from me. Granted, we both have separate checking accounts still and plan to for a while, but we both pretty much always know how much the other has.
I'm leaning toward no, I wouldn't do this because I know my husband and any financial woes we would deal with together, and if we ever were in a divorce situation, I can't imagine it would ever be so ugly.
Call me naive, but that's how I feel.
I say I would never do it. Mostly because I have seen what separate accounts can do to a couple. My parents had joint accounts for awhile, then Mom decided to get her own account for the heck of it. This eventually led to own credit cards, etc. Now they are leading financially separate lives under one roof. Neither knows how much the other has or owes. So I vowed to never do that. Now my FI had money issues awhile ago and went through garnishment etc. So he is leary of us having joint accounts. He doesn't want anything to happen to the money I earn. So we are still working on a compromise of some type.
I think having separate accounts is fine, but there shouldn't be any "secrets" like that. It's a bit shady. It's one thing to want to have your own savings, but it's another thing to secretly stash money. Marriage is a partnership, and while I don't think that necessarily means combining ALL your money, I don't think there should be secrets between married couples. If he started acting shady, I might move some moeny around, but he'd have to do something to break my trust in order for me to start hiding money away "just in case" and in that situation it would signify bigger problems than just money.
I would definitely keep my separate account once married for a "rainy day or moment". My FI agrees that we should have our own separate accts plus our joint one because this way we can still splurge on what we want for ourselves rather than having to ask the other one for permission. On the other side of that nobody wants to believe that their marriage will fall apart but it does happen and I will agree with bamm my mother also told me you still always have to take care of yourself. I have had friends whose husbands suddenly woke up one morning and they were leaving!!! My friend's exhusband cleaned out all the accounts right before Christmas leaving her to try to struggle to buy gifts for her girls. This is definitely an extreme case, but I refuse to be left in a situation where I am struggling with my daughter. I feel like as long as its not a secret account whats the big deal but he doesnt need to know how much I have in my "rainy day" funds.
You know I've always been taught that once you're married, you share EVERYTHING. Including bank accounts - and I will, as in, my hubby and I will do our finances together, budget together and never make large purchases without consulting one another first.
However, I recently worked for a lady whose mother had died 15 years prior in a tragic car accident, she was only in her 30's. And she had had a secret savings account with about 10k in it, and her father wouldn't have been able to pay for the funeral or impending expenses if he hadn't had that..
I think it's a good idea for an instance like that.. or if something comes up like an emergency surgery or medical issue or something.. I wouldn't be "secretive" but I wouldn't really want him to know about it.
when I get married, I'm in it for life - and he and I have promised to never even use the word divorce towards each other, it's just not an option for us. We'd always seek counseling before that alternative, so I'm not worried about him leaving me, or me leaving him... but just in case you know?
We have a joint account and our own seperate accounts, but nothing is a secret. I do have an aunt, though, who has quite the secret stash her husband has no clue about!
We have a joint account, plus our own separate accounts and I do have a secret stash. I am a realist and I need a "just in case" stash to make me feel safe. It really helps me sleep at night knowing I can be okay on my own without help. I am not expecting my FI to leave or divorce or anything like that, but you just never know.
In fact, the best man for our wedding just found out he has stage 4 cancer and probably won't live for another 5 years. His wife, my bridesmaid, also has a stash and I am sure she is a bit comforted by the fact that financially, she won't have to worry as much with this extra cash she has put away.
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