(Closed) Keeping me up at night…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
150 posts
Blushing bee

Awww, I’m sorry that you are going through this.  I can relate to your story because I was actually in a similar position as your friend, although my best friend wasn’t getting married she endured the hell of being a best friend of someone who was sucked into a bad relationship.  I just got out of a 5 year relationship with a similar “slimeball.”

As much as I know you are hurt by this, try not to take it too personally.  I am sure that your friend genuinely loves you.  I know you are doing your best to be supportive and I would recommend that while you stay in her life at the periphery and be there to an extent…perhaps being a gentle voice of reason…it is best to distance yourself a little bit.  She is on a journey…it sounds destructive but it isn’t something that you will be able to talk her out of.  It will take its course.  Hopefully, she will come out the other side wiser and not succumb to the draws of this relationship.  

I am so thankful that I had a handful of friends who were there despite the fact that I was with a crummy guy.  I know I wasn’t the best friend I could be during the last few years but quite honestly I was a bit lost.  It took a lot of work to get back to a good place but I don’t think that anyone could have really convinced me to start doing it until I was ready. 

I guess the bottom line is that you have to decide what is best for you.  I would occasionally check in with her about what she is thinking/feeling and help her try to see/feel what is going on but I would be mindful of not making it a “it’s him or me” kind of thing – this will only make her withdraw more/become defensive.  People’s lives ebb and flow…and this is a time in your lives where you will be further apart.  Sadly it is during a time when you hoped she would be closer. Hopefully, she will wisen up but if not know that she isn’t doing this to hurt you on purpose and try to enjoy your wedding as best you can.

Sorry if this isnt too helpful.


Post # 5
150 posts
Blushing bee

@Jilliebean1:  You don’t have to invite him! 🙂  Perhaps you can hold off and see how things go with him for a bit before deciding.  This could all go down in flames before you know it.

Post # 7
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

These things have a way of working themselves out.  My friend will be a bridesmaid at my wedding and I acutally went back and forth about it because of her sh*tty bf.  They just broke up and it looks like it will stay that way.  I never told my friend about the her guys behavior and just sort of supported her no matter what even though I didn’t agree.  I figured if she’s happy then whatever or that she’d just figure it out in her own time and move on. Luckily unlike your friend she never asked my opinion about him or I would have had to have been honest.  

I’m sorry your friend is being selfish.  Maybe if when she talks about the guy you just listen to it and then say okay and try to talk about the wedding?  Maybe she’s trying to show off or prove you wrong about him? 

Either way the wedding is your day wether she participates up to that point or not.  If you don’t want him there you don’t have to have him there.  If my friend was still dating him I would have sat down and told her that she should not bring him unless he was willing to behave like a decent human being and be respectful to myself and my family.  I would suggest you take that approach with your friend.  If she is truly your friend she will understand, if she doesn’t then you might want to cut her loose.

I had to have a converstation like this with another one of my friends when I was planning a party at my mother’s house. I told her that while I understand she wanted to be present there with her spouse that he needed to be respectful in my mother’s house or she shouldn’t bring him.  She was totally understanding and must have talked to him because he did behave and actually had fun even.

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