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I think it's not appropriate at all. You don't need to tell him that you snooped. The fact that he has a huge manila envelope of photos of her and her letters is enough to start a discussion, regardless of the exact contents of that envelope. If he insists it's innocent (or unrelated to his ex) ask him to show you. There should be no secrets among a couple about to get married, so he really can't avoid showing you without looking suspicious. When you see them you can explain why it hurts you that he still has these.
I find that pretty odd. A few years ago, FI and I were cleaning up some stuff and we came across a few pictures of his ex. He turned bright red and was like "OMG why do I still have these?!" Then he threw them out.
I don't see the point of having pictures of an ex that you are no longer involved with. Especially "sexy shots" as you say.
I would definitely bring this up with him.
No, the sexy shots are a no no. I think it's ok to keep a handful of pics around though. Like i've said before, my mom kept a shoe box of old memories and one day we went through them. It was pretty fun seeing a card an ex boyfriend wrote her, the guys she dated before my dad. Mostly, fun to laugh at the 80's attire though. But seeing my mom at 20, 21 years old with other guys (some in short shorts, much to my laughter) was a neat thing =]
I don't think that's appropriate at all. I don't have any pictures of ex's (except my prom photos!) and no 'love mementos'.
If I found pictures of FH's ex in her nightie in the home we share I would be pisssssssssssed (extra s's for emphasis).
I'm having similar concerns with printed photos and also electronic ones... He has many e-albums, and while he took it out of "public eye", he feels like keeping stuff is not a big deal, because the past is part of what he is.
While I agree with that, I would still prefer if there were less, or if it was better stored away in an ARCHIVE folder!
He takes lots of pics of me too, and there's no trust issue - I'd just prefer them away..
In a selfish way, I'm relieved not to be the only one thinking about this issue, and am still trying to find a way to approach this subject with him.
I have a few shots of me and my ex-bf from high school, but mainly because I look really good in them!!! I would be PISSED if I found these. You can just be up front with him - he's the one in the wrong for still having all ofthis around. Love letters and sexy pics need to go, a few pictures are okay, but not to that extent!
He might have trouble 'letting go' of that envelope since it was such a big part of his life. He probably doens't have many other pictures of himself from that time period without her, so it's not just her who's represented there.
I know it sounds silly, but my only hesitation of throwing out old photos of me with an ex is either it's a really good pic of me (vain, I know) or if it reminds me of a really fun night in college or something.
Either way, the envelope needs to bite it. No excuse for keeping it around at this point. But if I were you I would try to at least be understanding about it and gentle with your request.
As far as the whole taking pix of her vs. you thing, I wouldn't try to compare. He broke up with her 6 years ago, he probably was a totally different person back then. Maybe he only liked her for you-know-what while he obviously likes so much more about you. I wouldn't take it personally.
@moderndaisy. He did not break up with her, she left him and he was broken for years over it. Also most of the photos are of just her and he has plenty of other photos from those years with friends. it's the quantity and content that bug me the most
MSMarch, is it possible they've been there for awhile and he just basically forgot about them? Then when you guys were lookng at pictures, he remembered what was in there and set it aside to finally toss?
I think that the sexy photos should go. I think the only point of such photos is for the viewer to look at them and want to have sex with the person in the photo. There is no reason for him to have such photos of another woman like that.
The letters, though, seem different to me. I only say this because I also have letters from my first love, the one who really broke my heart. I can't bring myself to get rid of them. It's not because I'm not over him. I totally am. It's just because these letters represent a huge part of my life and helped make me a different person. I can't imagine parting with things so monumental in my life. I guess I can imagine my children finding them and looking through them and having that moment where they realize that I was somebody else before I was their mom...if that makes sense. This also might be the historian in me sneaking out...
Yep, I'd definitely talk to him about it. Some people handle their memories differently, so I wouldn't necessarily take it personally, but the fact that it's making YOU uncomfortable should be cause enough for him to get rid of it. At least the naughty pics!
Hmm, okay well it sounds like he still might have trouble letting go, especially since he was so devastated like you said. And I also agree with EJS that he might have kind of forgotten about it existing in the first place.
I would definitely have a heart-to-heart with him and ask why they're still in his posession and not burned into the atmosphere or in a landfill. Remind him where his bread is buttered and that this is non-negotiable.
Sorry you have to deal with it! If it makes you feel any better, I have been putting off getting rid of all my Ex's photos from my old albums. I never look through them and they're filed away in storage so I keep forgetting. I would be so embarrased if FI found them!
I think that hanging on to so many photos of an, er, personal nature is a bit strange, but wouldn't jump to the conclusion that they're representative of some sort of deeply felt longing for the past. He may have just stuffed them all in the envelope and forgotten about them til now.
I don't think it would be wrong to ask him to get rid of most, if not all, of them, but keep in mind that you did snoop. Being aggressive and confrontational is likely to make things more fraught then necessary. Maybe just a meaningful comment to the effect of, "I'm excited to start this new chapter of our life, and it would mean a lot to me if you could dispose of some old things, pieces of the past, that might still be hanging around."
He went through and segregated them yesterday while doing he was doing the slideshow. I was at work, so he had an opportunity to fliter and throw them out. Garbage trucks came yesterday! The envelope also has letters from his father, so I know this envelope contains sentimental stuff he obviously plans on keeping.
I would just have a nice chat with him. He might have forgotten about them, or more specifically what types of pics were in the envelope. And since they are all together in that envelope, it sounds like he put them all there after they broke up. That's pretty normal, imo (taking all of those memories and putting them somewhere). I don't think that it's okay to hang on to the sexy type ones, or to keep so many for such a long time. But I agree with the other posts that say I think it's neat to keep SOME memories from the past. (obviously not the scandalous ones!) but he should be careful how he gets rid of them (What if an Ex had pics of you like that? 
) Anyways, since your wedding is quickly approaching, definitely talk sooner rather than later.
On the bright side, you will have PLENTY of new memories to cherish with this man after your wedding day, and no amount of old photographs can spoil that for you :)
@msmarch2010 Hooray! I love when these things work out :) Congrats on your upcoming wedding, btw!
I don't think its appropriate! My FI and I don't keep those things. Well, I take that back! He has some photos of his ex, but they aren't in our house! I have some still on my computer but becuase they are of him and my son. But we don't have anything else!
FI & I both have memory boxes of our past relationships filled with photos, love letters, ticket stubs, cutsey gifts...pretty all the same type of stuff we kept from our own "courting" period. It's nevr occured to either of us that it might be odd. We don't light candles, burn incence sitting around in our old prom gear going through everything, it's just kind of part of who we each are and a snapshot so to speak of that period of our lives. I would prolly put my foot down on the "sexy" photos (knowing my, I'd prolly just toss them next time he was out!) but otherwise we're both totally OK with it. I also absolutely still wear the jewelry exes have given me including the 1 ct studs I'm wearing as I type this.
I think a few photos of an ex are ok to keep, me and my husband each have a few, but I do think you need to draw the line at the "sexy" shots. I would def bring it up to him. If he left the envelope in plain site in your shared home, I don't consider that snooping.....
Great thanks ladies! I just did not want to seem too controlling. I wrote him an email about my discovery. If it was a few photos no biggie, but a mini shrine and the fact that he could have tossed them yesterday but didn't is the kicker! Will keep you posted!
#1 Men never forget where they stash the sexy ex's pictures. NEVERRRRR
IMO ....They are ex's for a reason. If he wants them so bad then tell him to keep it somwhere else but the place you both share.
Oh yes then I agree. He had the opportunity to toss. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt!
It's not like you were "snooping". I mean, I'd likely open up a manilla envelope, too. I get a kick out of looking through old pictures and cute stuff from when DH was younger. I'll even flip through his old facebook photo albums if i feel nostalgic.
It just happens that you found a lot of stuff in there that basically is kind of a shrine =\.
I hope it works out ok! I'm sure he just saw it as a thing from his past to keep (old letters of sentimentality or something, even if they have no meaning anymore) but didn't realize that it really isn't totally proper or that it'd bug you.
I only have a couple of photos of my ex because it was my Jr. Prom and my hair looked awesome! My husband has no pictures of his ex. Personally I really don't have very good memories of my ex and neither does my husband of his, so there is no reason for things to be hanging around. I would be pretty upset that after 6 years of being broken up, he still had sexy pictures of her. I don't think those are appropriate at all.
I think that him keep those photos is totally inappropriate, especially given that he had the opportunity to go through them and get rid of some and chose not to. That's a big no-no, and have sexy pictures of the ex is an even bigger no-no! A few pictures is fine, but he should get rid of the rest.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully he is able to see where you're coming from and respect your wishes.
I would be livid If my SO let alone FI had a huge envelope with photos and love letters of an EX.. I found one picture of him and his very beautiful ex and he asked if I wanted him to throw it out.. what was I suppose to say to him! (my true feelings.. HECK YEA) So I said "It's up to you" so when my back was turned he went and stashed it somewhere!! ugh.. I told him I don't mind some pictures now, but when we get married and move intogether They better be hidden somewhere really good or throw them away. I will just pitch them for him if I ever find them >.< I respect his feelings on my exs and I just expect the same :)
I agree, it's kinda weird he kept them. I found a couple of my fiance's ex and he was like "urgh don't look at that, lets throw it out!" :P He just forgot. Keeping a lot would be another matter, I hope you get it sorted.
In my mind naked or sexy pictures are a no-no. A few old pictures or letters are fine, I keep my old momentos in a shoe box.
Speaking from your FI point of view--I've been there (was with a guy for 7 years, we were engaged, had a house together and then he decided a month before the wedding--he just wasn't interested anymore)---IT'S TOUGH TO LET GO! And 7 years of crap was hard to sift through and get rid of, especially when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die! Fast foward to the present time: I'm now happily engaged and on my way down the aisle, and here is how I coped, I didn't get rid of everything. When my ex and I separated, we had been together for what had consumed 1/3 of my total lifetime on earth! I've moved 3 times (I find it hard to sit still) and I've found that with each move, things are much easier to pitch. I will happily say that he's been out of my life for over 3 years now--and everything is gone, except for those pictures that were already scrapbooked and put into albums before we broke up. So, nothing loose is still hanging around. But, it wasn't easy--the fact of the matter is that he was a part of my life, and we were happy at one point. Just because things didn't end well, doesn't mean that I'm going to try to erase him entirely. If it's something that is bothering you--I think you should go and talk to your FI about it--but be gentle--everyone grieves in a different way, and his "envelope" may just be his way of archiving that time in his life.
Me and my FI were packing and going through his things and found a picture of him, his EX and grandparents. He was going to throw it because she was in it, but it was the last picture taken with his Grandpa, so I told him he better keep it. I think pictures that have a true meaning you should keep.
I never kept pictures of me and my ex, I moved on and want pictures of my love life now.
Were I in your shoes I would have looked in the envelope -- unless I had been specifically told not to-- and the "personal" pictures would make me pretty darn upset.
Personally a few pictures of an ex would be okay (if they were completely innocent), but if it were something that looks like a whack stack I would be livid.
I myself don't keep pictures of my ex because he was emotionally abusive and I have no desire to remember my time with him.
My BF has a lot of photos of his exes, mainly pictures from high school though. There were diaries and cards he threw out when we moved in together because he knee it'd irk me. So that helped. I don't have any photos of my exes. Sometimes I wish I did, but then who'd want to remember a painful time like that?
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So last night, FI and I were putting together our slideshow for the rehearsal dinner. He had a huge manila envelope of photos of his ex which he put aside. He left the house and I snooped. There about 70-80 photos of her, some in her nighty. Also love letters and poems she wrote him. They broke up about 6 years ago. Is this appropriate to keep in OUR house with the wedding in a few weeks?
I have had 3 serious boyfriends and have maybe 5 or 6 photos of each here and there. I threw out all of their letters when I got engaged. I don't have a huge collextion from just one person like he does. What also upsets me is that most of her pictures where taken by him (close ups and sexy shots) and he NEVER takes any of me. Everytime I ask him to pose for a photo of the two of us he grumbles.
I don't want him throw all of them out I would not mind a few photos but I think a shrine is just too much. I also don't know how to bring it up because I snooped