Post # 1
DH and I have been together for 4 years now and married for a little over 1 year.
He works a typical 9 – 5 job and I am a chef who works crazy hours. I pretty much am at work anywhere between 7am – 11pm. I work 80 + hours a week and he works 40. I make more than him and have student loans to pay off.
It has always been somewhat of a struggle for us and about a year before we married we fell into him ALWAYS being with friends and NEVER making time for me when I was off of work. I know that it is not fair for me to work as much as I do, but at the same time, it is not like I WANT to work that much. I just have responsibilities to take care of and I am doing so. (BTW – we ended up working through him never being around and he made more time for me)
However, over the past few months we have moved into a house (which we pretty much both pay for) I am still working like crazy and I do all of the house work. I ask him to help and he doesnt do much – BUT, that is really ok (im not thrilled about it – but im dealing)
BUT – the thing that is getting me now is…. the friend thing again!!! He says that if he is out with friends that he isnt going to drop it for me and rush home. And I honestly dont always expect him to. And previously stated, I know that it isnt fair to him that I work so much and I am tired. But its not really fair to me either that I work this much, do the house work, etc and he doesnt try to at least be home or come home to see me.
Not entirely sure what I am looking for here… just advice I guess. And its honestly not about the money or anything – like I said, I have responsibilties and I am tending to them… But not I feel like I am not tending to my BIGGEST responsibility… My husband. I put a lot of guilt on myself for this and I partially dont think I should be.
ALSO – sex….. yeah right!!! We probably have sex once a month, IF that! I just need new ways to spark it up!!…. Last night for instance, I got home late and showered and put on a sexy teddy and waited for him to get home…. an hour…. two hours…. then I went to bed. He text that he was still out. LADIES – HE CAME HOME AND 4 AM AND FELL INTO BED AND CRASHED!!!! Didnt even touch me or anything – I wanted to choke him to death with it!
Just need a little advice on how to make him notice me when I AM at home.
Thanks for letting me rant. 🙂
Post # 3
@MeganTacky2247: Girl you have every single right to be pissed off.
You are now married. You have a crazy schedule, so if you do get off early, or have the afternoon off, he SHOULD drop his friends to come spend time with you since you dont get to often.
You entered a marriage together, it can only be strengthened together not apart. are you both 25+ in age? His behaviour is super lame… I couldn’t tell you the last time my husband was out until 4am without me… college??? Tell him to grow up and act like a husband, not a phrat boy.
Post # 5
@tampalove35 HAHAHA Very well said!!! Yes – I am 28 and he is 25. He goes through spurts and a lot of times I could care less because I am tired and I just want to relax But recently it has really gotten to me. I am not a big drinker (surprising for a kitchen worker) but non the less, Im not. So if he wants to go out… thats cool. Its just gotten out of control… AGAIN.
So thank you. 🙂
Post # 6
Does anyone else have any advice??
Post # 7
@MeganTacky2247: I’m always a fan of COMMUNICATION. If something bothers you, tell him. Right then in the moment don’t let it build up. And tell him you need more time with him in order for The relationship to be healthy!
Post # 8
@MeganTacky2247: also, my FI works regular 8-4 and I work 12s 8-8 so we have the same issue. It helps that when we do have time together we do things that allows us to focus on each other. No tv on, no loud places. Maybe a hike or a picnic ..something like that.
With the cleaning. Make a list of things you’d like him to do once a week for you. My FI vacuums, cleans the little box, takes the trash and recycling out. It’s short compared to mine but the point is hes helping me.
Post # 9
@Laurenskii Thanks!! We try to do that a lot, we love sushi – so we will go to a sushi place and just sit with the both of us and talk or since it is summer time we ride his motorcycle.
Cleaning – ehhhhh we do have the understanding that he does a few things around the house like trash and things, but he doesnt do it sometimes and I just get mad and do it myself. Thats something we are working on for sure. But spending time together for sure needs to happen more!
I have brought up the fact that I would like more alone time and the whole “come home when I get home or soon after” kinda deal – But he says that im being selfish by asking that. So i get confused and I dont know what to think.
Post # 10
@MeganTacky2247: Hmm. The way I see it, there are multiple separate issues here. You working 80 hours a week is not sustainable, unless you have no commute and will be able at some point to have more stability in your schedule. Is this just how much you have to work at this point in your career, until you find a better situation? And just how unpredictable is your schedule? Because it seems fairly impossible to maintain a relationship with *anyone* when you’re basically spending every waking moment at work, or waiting to get called into work.
If you have a regular schedule, that’s one thing, but to chime in and defend your husband, I actually don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that he wait at your beck and call to mold his schedule entirely around yours. If you want to feel close to your husband, I think you’re going to have to literally schedule time to spend with him regularly, and stick to it. Even if it’s just once a week (even if it’s for breakfast!). You need to show him that he’s important in your life, and that you’re willing to make him a priority, just as he will need to show you. I’m willing to wager that a part of the reason he spends so much time with his friends is because he’s building his life around you being so consumed by work that you’re not much a part of his, unless there’s more to the story that we’re not getting.
As for the housework, he should absolutely be pulling his weight–more than his weight, given how much you are working. Have you tried making a chore chart? Sharing how stressed/overwhelmed you are? You should not be doing the bulk of the housework, and you should not be so willing to just take on that responsibility. Doing so will further exhaust you and will build resentment over time. This is not a moment where you should hold your tongue.
Now, all that said, you are spread thin and you want to feel like your husband cares about you and is willing to put work into the relationship. That’s understandable! I’d recommend for starters both of you sitting down and figuring out some non-traditional ways that you can feel close to one another. Can you join him and his friends if you end up getting off work early? Can you text each other back and forth during the day, or call him on your breaks? Heck, maybe you two can make more out of basic everyday tasks–like make grocery shopping or cleaning an actual bonding experience instead of something that you do in isolation. These are just a few thoughts for ya.
Post # 12
@MeganTacky2247: Sorry but I think you are wrong to expect your husband to drop his friends the moment you get off work and I agree with him its a bit selfish. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but think about it from your husbands perspective. He can’t rely on you to be there to hang out or spend time with so he makes plans with friends. You get off work early and ask him to come home, is he supposed to just ditch his friends? If he does that he will quickly find himself with no friends and will be alone most of the time. That just isn’t fair.
As far as the chores are concerned I agree he should be doing more. I agree with previous posters, the key to resolving these problems is communication.
Post # 13
@Mrs.babycat: Yeah but shouldn’t he at least try to be home when she gets off at her normal time? For a maried man to come home at 4 am on a night that is nothing special is a little ridiculous, especially if his wife is expecting him. I don’t think he should just drop his friends at a moments notice but I do think he needs to plan better. Wife gets off at 11, I should plan to leave and go home by 11 kind of thing. It’s not like 11 is even early, especially on week days, I think that is a good time to go home anyways. Or she calls him and says hey I’m home and he tries to get there within in an hour or two. I don’t think it is so bad to expect to spend time with your husband, yeah her schedule sucks and it sucks they have to work around her, but this is a marriage and they should be spending time together. I’m sure if it were reversed she would try to spend as much time as possible with him.
Post # 14
@MeganTacky2247: My FI works a lot. Not 80 hrs/wk, but now that he’s cut it down it’s only around 55-60 hrs/wk (before it was 65-70). It’s hard on me to always be alone. I only work about 32-33 hrs/wk (except for one week every other month I work 80 hrs. for that one week), before that I was unemployed for a year and a half. So I definitely understand feeling abandoned (even though it’s not intentional). However, I would never, ever leave him home alone on his days off. That’s the only real time we get to spend together. I don’t think it’s selfish of you to expect him to do his “friend time” on the days when you’re at work and be home when you are. You’re his wife. You are not the world’s worst wife. He has ample “friend time” while you’re at work. I think you’ve really got to have a serious talk with him about your feelings and his. If you let this go you will grow apart. IMO a grown, married man has no business going out without his wife and coming home at 4am.
Post # 15
Ugh. I really empathize with your situation. I worked in restaurants all through my teen years, got a degree in hotel and restaurant management, and then managed restaurants for 4 years……
80 hr work weeks are not sustainable and you will get burnt out. I know you said you are a chef, is there any hope of looking for a new position? Perhaps in catering for a luxury hotel? Or maybe a private chef for two or three wealthy families?
My work schedule was so draining that eventually I went back to school to become a teacher. I have always known I wanted children someday, and I decided I would rather make less at a job where I could have a life outside of work.
i really admire you, it sounds like you’ve been making this work for quite sometime. My advice is to start looking for a new position in your industry. I know that’s not what you were asking for inregards to your husband, but I agree that he is you biggest priority