Post # 1
my fiance wanted a friend of his to sign the ketubah. he asked and the friend was so excited about it. fast forward a few months. i was with my fiance, the friend, and the friends two boys from his last marriage. they were wearing huge crosses! (the mother is not jewish) on top of that, the friend was smacking his kids all over the store. i dont want someone who 1. was intermarried 2. let his christian wife raise the kids with her relgioin 3. hits his kids sign our ketubah. am i justified?
Post # 3
Just wrote a long resopnse and then deleted it accidentally!
Don’t focus on the crosses or the intermarriage as a reason not to have him sign. But the overall feeling may not be right, and you should say to your fiance that you want to have someone who is more on your level/wavelength than this person. I’m sure he can work out a way to smoothly break the news to the friend that you are having a diffent witness. Have people surrounding your wedding who you vibe with – no negative energy! But it may be hurtful if you criticize the wife and the kid’s crosses. (Hitting is a whole different story, but in reality not your business.) Just get him out of the wedding party if he doesn’t fit for you.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2018 - Ritz Carlton, Marina Del Rey
I think Sheifetz’s advice is great. Focusing on the intermarriage and the crosses would be hurtful and unproductive. But have you shared with your fiance the idea that you’d prefer a ketubah witness who had a more meaningful connection to Judaism? Surely, your fiance would understand?
And maybe it would be easier to have this discussion if you were to share your thoughts with your rabbi; my sense is that the most liberal of reform rabbis would prefer a ketubah witness who, even if s/he was not Jewish, identified with Jewish values of respect to one’s family and tikkun olam. It’s not particularly important to us that our ketubah witnesses be shomer shabbas, but at the very least, we’d like the ketubah to be signed by witnesses who identify with Jewish traditions and values in some meaningful way.
Post # 5
thank you both for your responses. its hard for me not to focus on the crosses and the intermarriage. it breaks my heart to see so many jewish people intermarrying and losing their religion to christianity. most of my cousins have intermarried and i have to say, i just dont approve of it, but i respect everyones right to decide for themselves. regardless, i want our eidim who respect, love and cherish judaism. this man does not fit the description.
my fiance understands (i love him so much!). he does have a problem because he wanted each of us to have a witness and the only other jews he knows are family. we will probably end up with a mutual friend and my SIL.
Post # 6
Wow. I understood and identified with you until your second post. Regardless, I don’t think this person should sign your ketubah, not because he has issues of his own, but because you seem to have an enormous amount of issues with him.
Post # 7
@Rebecca, I totally agree with everything you said!
Post # 8
Thank you Rebecca…I could not think of a way to say what I wanted to say and you did!