Post # 1
So…this is a long story so I’ll try to make it short and sweet (well, not so sweet). I am feeling very frustrated right now, but am trying not to get too worked up about it.
FMIL calls FI last night and they’re talking. He eventually looks to me and says “Can a distant cousin from step-dad’s family bring their 4 year old to the wedding? They can’t find a sitter.”
Hold up. hold up hold up hold up. Our weddings in late June, how do they know they can’t find a sitter? We are only inviting kids from immediate family, too. We are already OVER guest list invites because said FMIL added 8174471 people to the guest list last minute (OK, really maybe 20 people but STILL). I’m sorry, what?!
FI (who has a tendency to agree to things impulsively and put his foot in his mouth) is saying to his mom on the phone, “oh yeah, she can just run around.” I’m mad, don’t want to get into it while they’re on the phone, so walk away and say I’m going to bed. After the phone convo, I tell him all that I said above and he agreed but acted like I was being weird. He said why didn’t you just say no? I said I don’t want to be the bad guy (but if I have to be, so be it) plus you’re already pretty much agreeing on the phone to that without even giving it a thought. And WE’VE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS. And your mom should know better too. Seriously! What if some of our closer or any of our guests said the same thing? Should we double our guest list and let everyone bring their kids? And what about when people who weren’t rude and didn’t ask for their kids to go and then see kids there — how will they feel? Not to mention FI proclaimed at Thanksgiving we were having a kid free wedding (NOT true and offended some people…yes, kids of immediate family are invited). So we had to have a talk about that and I plan on mentioning this today about how he needs to think more before he speaks because he contradicted himself AND to say “let us think about it” or something without blindly saying yes or no.
I don’t know about you, but if I had kids and they weren’t invited to the wedding and I couldn’t find a sitter, I would not go. I found this whole situation to be incredibly rude and off putting. But apparently to FI and FMIL (who clearly don’t think about these things too much) it was no problem. GRR!! Sorry, just needed to vent.
I talked to a friend who has a kid and asked her how she would feel. She said she could see how they may not have a sitter this early because if they only have a few and they are busy. I get that so I’m glad she mentioned that. She also understood how I’m feeling, but she’s a good friend so maybe was sparing my feelings. So bees, am I overreacting? How would you handle this situation?
Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent.
Post # 2
Ugh, frustrating. It’s so hard to draw the line and actually make sure that it doesn’t get crossed! I would try explaining your reasoning to your FMIL, especially citing the reason that if other relatives with kids show up and see that someone was allowed to bring theirs, they will likely be confused, upset, or offended. I feel like if you allow one, you have to allow them all, and if your case is like mine, there isn’t space or budget to afford that!
Post # 3
Skittles131: OMG. The last couple of days I’ve been dealing with almost the exact same situation. Except last night it blew up exponentially. That branch of the family was saying they wouldn’t come if the kid couldn’t and it included Mr. S’s grandma so I felt horrible about it. Of course we want his grandma there! So, after breathing deeply for a few minutes (ok, hours) I sat down and calmly wrote a very frank email to Mr. S’s mom. I apologized for any misunderstanding as to whom was on the guest list. I explained why we only invited nieces, nephews and godchildren. And explained the breakdown of the guestlist and the capacity of the venue – of which we are over by a handful.
It seems his family understands now but it means the cousins with the child aren’t coming – even though we did extend an invite to the child after the fact since we want his grandma there. We did make it clear though that we wouldn’t do it again if it came up anywhere else. They ultimately decided not to come but the rest of the family will.
It was a horribly awkward situation and I hate how upset Mr. S got over it but I get it, it’s his grandma! It seems the email really got through.
Post # 4
I said HECK NO right after I read this “a distant cousin from step-dad’s family” it’s not even a close relative, so certainly not.
Post # 5
Hm maybe that distant cousin shouldn’t have been invited in the first place?
Post # 6
When your fiance asked you should have said very loudy, “FI, we have already talked about this and have decided children are not allowed. Have your mom tell the relative we will miss them.”
Post # 7
Skittles131: I would have FI CALL HIS mom and tell her you all discussed it, and no, the kid can’t come and no moe additional guests will be added. If she’s already told the cousin the kid can come, she will either need to call them back or your FI will have too.
Post # 8
BrittanyErin: exactly! We too have a lack of space and money which they both KNOW but whatever!
Soon2BeMrsS: OMG that sounds awful. Yes, very similar situation but I hope this won’t blow up.
GrumpytheDwarf: Exactly! I’ve met them maybe once or twice. But they are helping pay for the wedding and they want them there. So they were invited. If you give an inch…
CurlyCue: In hindsight, yes I should have done that. I was thrown though both by her asking and his response.
Zhabeego: That’s what he’s going to do. He’s going to call her and say we discussed it and it will not work for the space and hopefully leave it at that.
Post # 9
Skittles131: He should also apologize and let his mom know that he made a rash decision without fully thinking about it and consulting you. You just don’t want it to come across in a way that you’re taking the blame for saying no.
Post # 10
Ugh. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. We are also only inviting close family kids that we actually spend time with (our niece and nephews, plus my little cousins). Had to let a friend and a groomsman’s wife know that we weren’t able to invite other kids. I don’t know why it’s so hard to figure out; the kiddos names were not on the invites.
When your FI calls his mom, make sure she also knows that the guest list is final and is not changing and bending rules for one family is unfair to other families. Surely they can find a sitter or not attend. I’d imagine since they’re a distant cousin from step-dad’s family you’re probably not so emotionally attached to whether they come or not.
Post # 11
you and your fi need to learn ‘that’s something to think about – we’ll discuss it and get back to you’.
you shouldn’t have been put on the spot and your fi should have enough sense to know that you should talk it over first. that said – you should have simply said, ‘you and i need to talk about it, let your mom know we’ll call her tomorrow’ – problem solved.
Post # 12
We talked about it again last night and I really emphasized to give it time and he’sl ike I don’t get why I can’t say what I want — I can always take it back. Uhhh because it implicates everybody else maybe?! LOL We’re over it and he gets it but still!
So OMG I’m an idiot and the plot thickens. These people aren’t even ON our guest list!!! They are on the aforementioned list of 20-ish people his mom wanted to add to the wedding but since we already sent our StDs out 6 months ago (!) and are over the max, we couldn’t invite them. OMG!!!!!!!!!! FI told her when she gave him the list that we already invited some of the people on her list but the new or additional people won’t be on there because the million reasons why. She knew this, but I guess she never knew exactly who was on the list. But clearly she told them they’re invited or they think they’re invited! So now he’s gotta talk to her to tell her all of this. OMG!!!
Post # 13
Skittles131: Put your food down! Say no! Who cares if they can’t find a sitter. They’ll get over it. You should politely stand up to your FMIL. Tell her you appreciate her help and that she wants to be part of it but you are over the guest list and no one else will be invited. And just keep to your guns and say no.
Post # 14
Skittles131: So the parents aren’t even on the guest list to begin with? I guess they’ll realize that they weren’t invited, when they don’t get an invitations. How presumptuous of your FMIL! I have no idea why distant relatives would even want to go to a wedding. I know I wouldn’t.
Post # 15
Skittles131: Put your foot down. Tell your FMIL, in no uncertain terms NO! Weddings make everyone nutty and entitled. Ettiquette is 100% on YOUR side. Emily Post is in your corner telling FMIL to back the F off her girl—–but she is wearing pearls while she says it. People can just get over stuff. There is no logical reason a 4 year old that you have no connection to needs to be invited. Just say NO!
The answer is yes, I am a little b!tchy and cavalier. For reasons I won’t get in to FI and I have had to put off having our wedding and as annoying as it is it fills me with a strange clarity and the motto “to hell with everyone”.