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Moms - what is your take on kids acting out in public? Do you avoid certain places (white tablecloth restaurants, planes, etc.) to potentially spare others if you think your kids might act out?
Also, when you notice someone ELSES kids acting out in public and the parents arent' doing anything to stop it, is it ever okay to say something? Like if the kids are talking loudly or screaming on a plane and it doesn't stop after an hour. Can you go up to the child and say "Please be quiet?" Like the parents should have already done?
I am very eager to get your feedback, because I've noticed a trend lately of kids acting out more and more in public. I never say anything b/c I don't want to be rude, but when I notice the parents aren't doing anything to help the situation for the sake of others, it bothers me a little and I wonder if it is ever okay to step in.
i'm not a mom, but i remember my mom's reaction to this when i was a kid. kids act out, there's nothing you can do! she said that when i would have a fit in the grocery store (apparently i would just sit there, not wanting to be picked up or walk), people would give her dirty looks and one man had the nerve to say something to her. she wanted to tell him to try to deal with me. of course she didn't just sit there and not do ANYTHING about it, but even with her doing her best to calm me down, a fit happens.
@artbee - at least your Mom was doing something about it though. And you were at the grocery store, I mean, someone who doesn't understand a Mom dealing with a screaming kid at a grocery store is not that great of a human to begin with..
I'm talking about a 5 star restaurant where people are paying a lot of money for the ambiance, or a plane, small enclosed space with lots of people trying to sleep. If the parents arent' doing anything about the screaming fit.. is it ever okay to step in?
I would never say anything to their faces but I know I sometimes do wonder . I am pretty sure will be a lot less judgemental of other moms once I have kids of my own!
One thing to keep in mind is that with the growing rise of Autism Spectrum Disorders, there are a lot of moms dealing with kids who are hard to take anywhere, and the last thing they need is us judging them or telling them how to parent. The only time I really think it is truly annoying is in a nice restaurant - because parents should not expect little kids to behave in that environment and it just isn't appropriate for them to be there....but grocery stores, planes, etc. - well those places aren't really optional for a lot of parents....and kids will be kids which means throwing fits, etc.
I always try to have things to keep my sons attention so he doesn't get bored and start acting out! At reasturants, I get him some crackers to snack on while we wait. At the store, I let him help me put stuff in the basket, or hold something. I had to open a box of cereal in the store once becuase he started to get fussy.
I wouldn't suggest telling the kid to be quite unless the parent hasn't done ANYTHING to try themselves. Once on a plane, my son was HORRIBLE (I felt so bad I kept apalogizing!) but it was after his bed and the altitude change hurts their ears when they are younger. I tried EVERYTHING I could think of to make him happy. I even stood in the front of the plane and bounced him around. A really sweet couple next to me offered me their Iphone so he could play with the koi fish app! they said they understood becuase they had kids. It was so nice, but had they told me to make him be quite? I would have freaked! I had tried everything I could!
But, if the parents are just letting their kids be out of control and don't care, then I think its ok to say something!
Wow! This got long! :)
@Janna - It's not about being judgemental though. If kids are acting out and the parents really aren't doing anything about it AND it's affecting everyone around them (like on a plane or in a nice restaurant).. when is it okay to tell the kids to use 'inside voices'?
I don't know. I think that in those specific instances after a significant length of time if the parent is doing nothing, it's appropriate to talk to the stewardess or the maitre'd. This is part of their job, so they should handle it.
As for other places, fits do happen. Hopefully the parent would know to take their child out, but if they don't and if the child isn't being beaten, I say leave it be. I have a difficult time with public spanking though. I have a difficult time with spanking in general.
@Rosie, you get what I'm saying! I've offered my Iphone to parents before too :) And for the most part, I am understanding when kids are acting out. It's just in certain situations when I'm thinking to myself 'Why are they even bringing their toddlers here in the 1st place?" AND the parents aren't doing anything about it. Like seriously, not even responding. Just tuning the kids out and reading a mag or something. I've actually given kids the "Shh" sign before. I've never said anything to the parents.
I'm not a mom, either, but I'm really interested to see what other moms have to say about this.
My mom and my FMIL get REALLY upset when they see kids acting out in public, and parents don't do anything about it. They said that when us kiddies were little, they didn't bring us to a lot of places that were not kid friendly because they didn't think it was right to disturb people. Like, we NEVER ate out at nice places when we were kids, and we didn't get to go to the movies until we were old enough to know to behave (seeing babies at a move over the G rating really bother me). If we acted out, we left wherever we were imemdiately. I clearly remember situations where I was throwing a fit, and my mom put down everything at the mall and left because she didn't think it was fair to other people to have to listen to her kids cry while she picked out new shoes. We also never flew when we were really little because they didn't want to risk us crying (which is likely on a plane ride). We drove and took road trips everywhere until we were old enough.
I will have to admit, when I see a child acting out in public, and the parents immediately get up and leave, I breathe a sigh of relief. I know it's not always possible to do that, and I don't immediately blame parents when a kid starts to cry (it happens), but ignoring it while they finish shopping or eating is bothersome to me.
I would never feel comfortable saying something to a stranger's kid; honestly, in those situations I usually try to avoid even looking in the kid's direction. I just find it easier to ignore them. On our honeymoon flight there was a little girl sitting behind us who played with this annoying dog toy for 10 hours straight. I just put on my headphones and watched the in-flights movie until I fell asleep. Idk, I'm just not comfortable with that kind of confrontation, I guess.
@moderndaisy: that is annoying! I think that if the parents are totally tuning their kids and aren't trying to do anything, then its ok to say something to them. I would never take my son to a fancy restaurant either. Some places jsut aren't kid friendly and you should find a babysitter! I have gotten up and left a restuarant before because he was throwing a fit. It sucks to have to do it, but I don't like to be around it and its my own kid, so why would other people want to?!
@Miss Chapstick - your childhood sounds a LOT like mine! I was never allowed to eat out at restaurants, get on planes, go to weddings when I was young enough to throw a real fit. AND if it ever did happen, my parents would get me out of there right away.
Honestly, I've never seen parents try to remove kids from a public setting when they're throwing a fit. My friends niece screamed all the way through her vows at her wedding. The parents didn't even seem to notice and didn't do anything about it. I was on a plane recently and the kids were either talking loudly or screaming the entire 5 hour flight. The parents were there, but just tuned them out. Believe me, they got a TON of dirty looks.
@moderndaisy: Yeah, my mom always tells me now that when you have kids, you make a lot of lifestyle changes going into it, and part of that is knowing when it's appropriate to bring your child to public places and sacrificing being able to just pop into a nice restaurant on a whim or stop at the mall whenever you want. Everything was planned when we were kids. My mom was a single mom for the majority of our childhood (sister and I), and if she had to run errands, she got a sitter for a few hours (usually the older HS girl down the street).
We spent a LOT of our childhood at friend's houses playing, the parks and Chuck E. Cheese's :)
I have several friends who think that young children have no business being in places like upscale restaurants. I personally believe that well-behaved children should be welcome anywhere. That being said, if a parent chooses to take their child someplace and the child acts out and is disturbing other people there, it is absolutely the parent's obligation to correct the behavior or remove the child from the environment. I think its difficult to teach children how to act appropriately in certain circumstances, ie: upscale restaurants, unless you expose them to it. However, as a parent, you are accountable for your child's behavior and no one else should have to suffer bc you can't respond to tantrums.
@RIBride: I totally agree. My mom never kept my sister and I from nice places until we were 13 or anything, but she did wait until we were kindergarden-ish age. That's where we started to learn how to act in "adult" situations. We we cried, she'd get the bill, wrap up her food and leave immediately.
I remember one time my mom and my sister and I were eating brunch at a restaurant and the kid a few tables down from us threw a tantrum about something and threw himself on the floor kicking and screaming. Naturally, everyone in the restaurant was staring. And his mother had the nerve to say loudly, "I don't know why everyone's staring. He's just a little boy." I wanted to smack her.
Well, i think i've seen the WORST from waiting tables.
I've had kids throw food at me, grab me, and poke me to get my attention. One shook his soda at me (i'm not a butler for goodness sakes, and yes, i WILL pretend not to notice), and one took a blob of cottage cheese, threw it on the window, and DREW IN IT. I've seen the worst behavior at restaurants. BUt honestly, those parents who just ignore it 100% or think it's cute, well, I can't help but think they're trash (it was branson, people. a pretty hoosier area). Who lets their kid draw in cottage cheese? Or tug on the WAITRESS?! No manners, really. Babies don't need diet coke either--a few times i have filled up a baby's sippee bottle with root beer or soda. One lady even handed me a dirty diaper. I didn't know what it was until i was holding it. Wow. This stuff irritates me.
Kids will act out, but completely ignoring it doesn't fly. When they kick my seat on a plane, I WILL ask nicely for them to stop. Usually mom is mortified somebody said something. But usually I just don't say anything. But kicking my seat, well, i do speak up to that.
When we acted up, we got taken out of a restaurant and spanked us. We were taught manners. Please and thank you. We learned to behave in public because my parents made a big show out of removing us (even if it was just for a talking to). The embarassment was plenty, trust me.
Tuning them out because you're used to it 24/7 isn't cool though. I know there's a feasible way to deal with acting out children. But if your child is SO naughty you can't deal with them in public, maybe you need to try a new method. Me, I will be 100% mortified and embarassed when it's me. I will step outside with my child or scare them into shutting up, lol. My paernts did it with us, I'll find a way to do it with mine. It's just not acceptable to let them go batshit banana crazy and ignore it.
I hate when parents act like their child has a right to be in any situation regardless of the behavior of their child, or whether or not the place is child-appropriate. Case in point - in NYC I've seen people bring their kids everywhere - including bars! Your toddler should not be in a bar, period, I don't care if its early afternoon or a Saturday, bars are for adults only. I really think people just don't want to acknowledge that they have to make certain adjustments when they have children.
@ newbiecici - that is the exact mentality that I can't stand. Of course, all children have tantrums and act out from time to time. Its to be expected, but for a parent to not do anything about it and act as if she has no responsibility to do anything?? infurating.
@newbiecici - Talk about uncomfortable! So according to the Mom everyone else is to blame, not her. That is worse than my scenario of parents doing nothing, a parent screaming at people who are clearly being disturbed by the screaming child is definitley worse.
I am a mom that spanks....sparingly, but I do. But that's a whole other forum topic. I was one of those parents who could take my daughter anywhere and she would behave. Probably because she is nosey and realized at a young age if she is quiet she can hear everything...LOL.
Having said that...I try not to say anything when other kids are acting out but I will give their parents crazy looks b/c of some of the things they allow their kids to do. For instance....I was in the grocery store and this little girl called her mom stupid and told her she didn't know anything...then HIT her. My daughter's eyes got as big as saucers b/c she couldn't believe her eyes....
@Ejs - are you serious?? I hope those people at least tipped you well!! Something tells me probably not though.. they need money to go out to restaurants with their kids, right?
@Aprilbride10 - Yes, exactly! I am in NYC too and see parents going to bars with children ALL THE TIME. FI and I go out frequently and I am always shocked by these parents! I agree with you that they probably don't want to accept the fact that lifestyle changes need to be made when you have kids (probably also why they still live in NYC). But when you're at a loud, rowdy bar with a bunch of drunk people, shouldn't that tip you off?
@JamaicaBride, don't even get me started on sassy toddlers with bad atittudes like that. Good lord.
and people wonder why violence is on the rise?! GAH! If i ever called my mom stupid....or hit her...there would be hell to pay! And i woudln't see the light of day for like, a year =]
@ModernDaisy, No, they didn't tip well. Needles to say, they were very trashy and you just kinda knew it. Most of the time they were really young with a baby and just not classy or educated people. You can have a baby at 18 and raise them right, but this was a very poor, hoosier area with a high tourist population. A lot of these people wouldn't even tip they were so poor and whatnot. White trash and meth was pretty prevalent in this area, but we were so packed all the time (we're talking I'd sell $1500 worth of food at a Ruby Tuesdays in an evening) that I still made good money. 13% was average for me, but that was still like $600/week. But obviously a lot of these badly behaving children really stuck out in my mind. I feel very strongly about people who are just not decent folks in general or can't behave like humans in public. I don't really think I'll see that very often in St. Louis, though. Also why I left that small town =] (if you saw this town, you'd unerstand. i'm not knocking all small towns)
All my parents had to do was give us "the look" and we knew we had to cut out whatever we were doing (even if we didn't realize we were doing it!)
I'm a mom, of a five year old girl. While my daughter knows how to behave in restaurants (i.e., sit on your bum, napkin in lap, proper use of utensils and inside voice, etc.), I wouldn't take her to a really high-end restaurant (I live in D.C., so we have plenty of those). It's just not appropriate at this age; perhaps when she's a little older. I guarantee you that the couple on "date night" at, for example, the $200/person CityZen or Citronelle, does not want to hear my daughter talking about her most recent soccer practice.
My daughter has also been flying since she was six weeks old; as far as Europe and sometimes in first class (free upgrades or tickets that my daughter's grandparents bought). Yes - I think it would be absolutely fine to contact the flight attendant if a child is misbehaving on a flight for an extended period of time and it appears that the parents are doing nothing to correct the situation. That's the key - if the parents are trying to calm the child down, then I would leave it alone. Sometimes it can be a situation of thier ears bothering them (particularly for infants), or airsickness (which my daughter used to get before we found out that dramamine is safe for children). Or, as another mentioned, the child could have an autism-spectrum disorder. In that case, the parents are usually trying to do all they can, and unfortunately, the other passengers may just have to deal with it for a little bit.
I absolutely HATE it when I see kids acting out in public!! I never say anything, though. I just give them "the look"!!!
I also hate it when I see moms tell their kids to "Shut the F up" or something along those lines, really?!?!?!
@Peyton - You seem to have a good philosophy on raising your daughter. So you think it's better to contact a flight attendant than to ask the actual child to be quiet? I've actually heard I think Miss Manners say to speak to the child directly.
I do not take my kids to nicer restaurants. Mostly bc I'm selfish and want that time to myself, but also, bc my kids can be little snots. I think there are places where it's not appropriate for kids to be. Planes...sometimes you can't avoid that. When my daughter was six months old, I had to take her on a plane, and she cried for about 90 minutes and there was a woman who was just a saint and told people to mind their own business and stop bitching at me!! So, there's that situation.
As I've said, I have an autistic child. She's very loud and very strong and if she gets overwhelmed, WATCH OUT! She has literally dragged me around by my hair before and she scratches and hits me on a pretty regular basis. I hate it when people approach me about her behavior, bc they just don't know. I refuse to leave her home every time I go to the store or to a casual lunch. These are great oppurtunities for her to learn. I get particularly pissed when people look at her like she's a sideshow.
My younger daughter is held to a higher standard. It sucks, but she just is. I have removed both of my kids from stores before. I really only have a problem with her being sassy now.
As for other people and thier kids, I usually try to rememeber that the parent has probably been dealing with this for hours and might have just checked out for their own sanity. I usually stay out of out, but if it's a really bad situation, I always approach the parent first, with compassion, and ask if I can get the child a drink or toy or help in some way.
I think it's inappropriate to speak directly TO the child. #1 because they won't listen to you anyway. #2 because you shouldn't admonish other peoples' children unless you actually are in a position of authority.
Restaurants: I usually call my waitress over and ask to speak with the manager of the restaurant. I very loudly tell the manager that their restaurant atmosphere is being ruined by the inconsiderate customers with the loud kids.
Airplanes: I usually talk with the steward/ess. I have received airline vouchers in the past, and the stewardess usally talks to the mother for you. I did have one kid that was kicking my chair. I turned around and asked the mother if she could tell him not to. She just gave me a terse "Sure" and never did. So when drinks were served I waited until he had his then put my seat back down with a THUD. His drink spilled all over him. We exchanged looks, then she switched seats with him. I think that was an extreme for me, but it was a seven hour flight. She had it coming!
Movies: I usually go talk to an usher or manager. I've gotten free tickets before and one time they kicked the family out (I wasn't the only one to complain).
If your infant/toddler/child is quiet I don't mind you bringing them anywhere. But once they start to ruin the experience everyone else is paying for, I think it's rude for parents not to leave.
@moderndaisy - I agree, usually it would be better to speak directly to the child, but I think airplanes are a different environment. On an airplane, if the parent gets upset with you for speaking to their child, you can't walk away! You're stuck in close quarters with the parent for a while. So, on planes, I think it's better to use the flight attendant as a buffer.
This is one of my DH's biggest pet peeves. I have never seen him approach a parent ofa misbehaving child but he will talk loudly right in front of them and say things like "that's ridiculus... I'd smack that kid... etc".
My stepdaughter is 6 and I have never once seen her act out in public. He told me that she did it once when she was a toddler and he immediately took her out and spanked her behind... she never did it again.
Personally, I would never say anything, but I think thats because I doubt it will make any difference. Plus I dont want to get my butt kicked... lol
I usually just feel bad for moms whose children are acting up. My mother has always told me that my older sister and myself would NEVER act up in public. We just didn't like the attention. But when she had my younger sister (who is just 15), that child was crazy! For absolutely no reason whatsoever, she would throw the worst tantrums as soon as we got into a really public place. I can remember them vividly. No amount of consoling or scolding would stop them. We could never figure out why she would do it, but I clearly remember my mother crying on several occasions during said tantrum, and just feeling awful for her.
Also, we have good friends with a very autistic daughter (does not even speak and is 10), and she is also pretty bad in public. They hardly take her anywhere, but when they do people are nasty to them. They have just learned to laugh about it, because no matter what, they have to live their lives. It's not like they always have someone to watch her if they have to go out, so sometimes, yes, she has to go grocery shopping with them.
I think because of this, I am a little more lenient with moms in public places. Sometimes it just is what it is.
People can be very nasty. I get really upset when people do the whole speaking loudly so I can hear it. You would be shocked at how many times my kid has been called a retard or freak. And the way other parents can hear and LET their kids say horrible things or make fun of my Violet and not tell them to be quiet. Grr. Now I'm just angry,
@Mighty - WOW about the plane! That actually sounds like something I would do. Not kid related, but I've dug my nails into peoples backs before on the subway when they lean their WHOLE BODIES against the pole everyone needs to hold on to. Nails in back. Some don't move, but others get the hint right away - a stranger is touching them! What a nasty Mom though. Asking for her to stop her kid from kicking your seat is NOT out of line at all.
@Bree, yes, I also feel bad for Moms who have kids acting up. But I guess my patience is tested when I really feel like they're just tuning the kids out b/c they hear it all the time and are used to it. All this while they CHOSE to bring thier kids to a nice restaurant or fly somewhere warm for vacation. It's rude and not fair to everyone else.
kicking seats on airplanes = worst. thing. ever. i can deal with crying babies (well, i hate it, but i understand that babies can't help it) but toddler seat-kicking and screaming is my nightmare. and it never fails that i have a screamer and/or a kicker on my plane, in one of the rows right near me. i have only once said something to a parent, and that was only after two straight hours of seat-kicking and a good twenty minutes at the end of screaming while seat-kicking, and there the mother is reading a friggin Nora Roberts novel with earphones on. i just lost it. i turned around and snapped my fingers in front of her face to get her to take out her earphones and said some not nice things. they changed seats. victory.
Wow, Kittyachi! I can understand losing it after that long! The kid could have had to use the bathroom or something and the Mom is just ignoring him.
Yea...I'm sort of over this "cult of the child" thing we got going on in our culture...
I love kids and I love spending time with them, but they are not the center of the universe! Everything should not cater to them.
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