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Just curious to know if any other bees out there really want to get married but have little to no desire to have kids. I've seriously thought it through and have very deeply not wanted kids for a long time. It's not that I don't like kids, I've just never felt very maternal or interested in having my own. I'm also the child of a single parent so there a while host of issues related to that that have informed my decision.... As much as I am around other people's kids and I love them, I still don't feel all squishy inside and yearn to have a child like most women my age (I'm 29 going on 30).
I've only now warmed up to the idea of adoption, particularly given that I would likely have trouble having my own anyway and I am so anti doctors, hospitals, etc that the thought of putting myself through the artificial insemination process is COMPLETELY horrifying. I guess I'm now in the "I really just don't know" boat, but has anyone out there had trouble staying with their SO because of not wanting kids? Has anyone gotten engaged or married without fully resolving this or making a solid decision on the matter?
Jaxx, while I did have a child when I was younger, she is now 15, lives with her father, and hates me. FI and I are absolute on no kids (I'm now 35) and people are shocked by it. We enjoy our freedom and feel that we just don't want to start over at this point.
FI does not have kids of his own, so I wanted to make sure he knew it was a deal breaker. I had an IUD put in, just to avoid any sticky situations. He is now, totally on board.
Yes, my husband and his ex-wife got married without talking about this and it's one of the reasons they divorced. Same thing with a friend of ours. His wife never really made it clear and it drove them apart...well that and she's was just a big ol' biatch. :)
I would sit down with your FI and have a serious conversation about how you both feel about it. Kids or no kids, everybody MUST be on board with the decision because it's hard either ways. I couldn't be a good mother without the great father/husband we have in our lives.
ps~Children are bundles of joy...and poop, tears and snot. Children are not for everybody, but I will promise you that if you ever have one, you'll be gooey and over the moon. It just happens.
My husband and I definitely want children (someday ;) so this isn't an issue for us. However, my FIL divorced his first wife because he wanted children and she didn't. They were young when they got married (20 and 21), and they didn't really discuss whether or not they would have children. After a few years of marriage, he was ready to start having kids, but she didn't want to. According to my FIL, it was really painful because he felt more like she didn't want to have kids with him than that she didn't want to have kids at all.
Also, I read an article a while back that said if a woman decides not to have children, the couple will typically stay together, even if the man does want kids or is undecided. If the women wants kids, though, and the man doesn't want to or is undecided, the couple usually breaks up. I thought that was pretty interesting...
That's sounds like an interesting article Ms Spring. Do you still have a link or a copy of it that you could share?
Fully on board with the NO camp, and my FI is right there with me. Have never really been interested in kids, and while I enjoy my friends children, and perhaps my brother's future kids, I've never felt the desire to reproduce....we have a puppy we spoil like crazy, and love to death, and whenever anyone asks us about kids I always say "oh no, no kids for us. Puppies, yes. Kids, no."...seems to defuse the situation...[always have to get over the shock that someone who knows me halfway well is asking the question in the first place, because it's pretty well known that I've never really wanted kids - but people [in my experience thus far] seem to assume that getting married = having babies.] My FI is 40, I'm 31, and we just enjoy our life too much. I'm an opera singer, and the amount of travel required for my job would basically make him a single parent, which is not good for anyone. We're maybe a bit selfish, but we also like our disposable income! I never get that squishy feeling inside, or look at babies and think "awww, I want one" - quite the opposite...
There was an awesome article written in MacLeans Magazine here in Canada that deals with the issue of being deliberately childless, making a choice to do so, and I think it is fascinating. It stirs up so much emotion, but I think the choice to not have kids is just as valid as the choice to have them. Try the link below - not sure if it works or not, but it's worth a read.
<span style="color: #3b5998;">http://www2.macleans.ca/2009/07/24/no-ki<span class="word_break">ds-no-grief/
I think we'll make an awesome aunt/uncle, but we don't want any of our own. We have discussed this from the moment we got serious, and further in depth with our marriage counsellor, and we are on completely the same page. I think that is essential. Its the ultimate personal decision...now I just have to convince FI that it may be time for him to take of the birth control issue, permanently, if you know what I mean 
instead of me having to take the pill indefinitely! I think that's another post though...!
Many Bees have written posts about this very subject. Mrs. Green Tea comes to mind. Here are two of her posts on the topic:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2008/08/04/first-comes-love-then-comes-marriage/#comments
http://www.weddingbee.com/2008/08/04/first-comes-love-then-comes-marriage/#comments
I know another Bee recently blogged about this but I can't remember who. But you're definitley not alone, Jaxx :)
Yea this is sort of an issue that we've talked a lot about. I'd personally be fine with not having any bio kids, but fiance would like to. I would however want to look into becoming a foster parent or maybe even adopting. Its not like I don't want to be a mom or a mom-like figure, but I just don't have this internal drive to be a bio. mommy. Maybe I'll want to more when I get a bit older (I'm a youngin'), but now I am okay with either scenario.
I am however very excited to become an aunt! Yay!
No you aren't alone! Mrs Gummi Bear doesn't want kids either. I always liked her candid approach to the "not for us" camp b/c I coudl totally relate.
I don't want kids now. I don't even want them when we're GOING to have them (next year). i just assume i'll want them later. There is this nurturing side to me, believe it or not. But for me, it's a "now or never" kind of thing so i'm just going to do it and trust that I'll be elated when the day comes and I may surprise myself.
No, babies don't get me mushy gushy. They scare me. They're gross. I'm suddenly irritable at the screams and cries anywhere I go. But I baby my cats to nobody's business. I handle them like babies and snuggle them and coo on them and everything. It's just how I am.
But yeah. Babies? I make a face. My nieces and nephews are cute, but i go "omg, me too? really?" at the thought of them. Eek. Just make sure your SO is on board. choosing not to have kids is a difficult decision, one often laced with guilt and society's impressions that you *shoudl* have kids.
I know lots of older couples who chose not to and are quite happy and content to dote on their friends/family's kids, but never have their own =]
We are of the - if it's right and we both decide to, we will - variety. I've never felt that having children was something that I *had* to do. Ditto with marriage - I always thought I'd get married if I found the right guy and, guess what, I did!
Thanks Bees! It's nice to know that other pple are thinking about this too. I feel sooo totally faux pas when I'm around my femaie friends and I'm like "The thought of physically bearing and giving birth to a child makes me want to vommit." I'm soooo not itching to "experience" pregnancy and childbrith, even though I love kids. My bf's sister has an 8 month old and just found out his other sis is preggers so I feel like there will be enough kids in the family to take the pressure off ;)
Ugh. If I was a wild animal, I would probably be like one of those lions that eats their young. I do not like children. I do not even want kids at my wedding. I get annoyed when I am at other people's homes and parties and there are screeching brats running around. The sound of their screechy little voices makes my skin crawl. *shudder*
I got my tubes tied when I was 25 and consider it the greatest thing I have ever done for myself. My FI was sooo excited when I told him that when we started dating. He'd previously dated people with kids and always left his exes within 3 months because they drove him insane. He was losing hope that he'd ever meet a childFREE woman at our ages (32 & 35) when we met.
We can't wait to enjoy a life of peace and quiet and doing what we want, when we want.
I like other people's kids (when they are not crying or screaming), so I have nothing against them, even though I am not the kind of woman who goes "aaaawwwwwww it's a baby! look how cute....awwww.." nope, never. I have no interest in carrying them either.
My fiance is a bit older than I am and definitely wants a child (1 or 2 AT THE MOST) but has agreed to wait until I feel ready. I don't think my maternal instincts have yet developed. So we'll see.
All my friends are getting pregnant, and one just had her baby...I feel a bit ashamed for saying this but, now all they talk about is babies, babies, babies..and frankly, I'm starting to avoid get-togethers with them because I seriously cannot stand talking about babies 24/7.
I think sometimes it's the myth of how women are suppose to feel that makes some women think they are not meant to have children. Really few women feel that 'maternal instinct' before having children and truthfully few feel it when the children are born. (mostly we feel fear)
On the other hand, developing a relationship with your own child is a wonderful experience for those who decide to do it. I had 6 so obviously it was right for me.
I don't believe any one should be pushed to have children but I hate that the myth of motherhood makes some women feel like it's not right for them when really they just are hearing alot of BS.
I'm in the NO camp, too.
I've been shocked, since getting engaged, how much baby talk surrounds me (and shock and questioning when I tell people I don't want kids).
At 34, I think I'm expected to pump out kids quickly. FI and I are on the same page and both answer "we want two hairy kids" (aka: dogs).
I've received all sorts of responses (like - why are you even getting married, then - to: you'll change your mind). I've been amazed at the unsolicited input people contribute over this very personal and life-changing decision.
I love being around kids (mostly because I can give them back!) and I think that's why most people are so surprised when they find out.
Nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I actually wanted to tie my tubes in my early 20's but I didn't. I still really didn't want them, up until I met my SO. Now.I.Want.THEM.LOL. I want to have kids with him, never with anyone else.
I say feel good about your decision!
Gothybride- You actually found a doctor/surgeon who tied your tubes? Without having a child? I'm surprised!
babilu: I know what you mean. My best friend has a two year old and while I adore him, I don't want to always hear about him, or everytime I see her I sometimes wish she didn't bring him. I feel bad, but grownup time is VITAL!
i am still on the fence with this one , he only ever wants one a longggggg time from now and I dont even think I want any at all :s but where it gets weird is that if i do i dont want one i'd want two because I am an only child and hate it ..hmm i figure we would talk about that more later but I know for me if he really wants em I'd do it for him , but I agree with Gothybride2be, kids voices make me wanna just ....UGHHHHHH!!!
If i can be promised that my kid would never screech , jump, bite, pinch , scratch or be generally annoying i 'd be fine.
Bamboo- AMEN, someone understands me! LOL, Phew! I thought I was the "evil" friend in the group...
@ KateMW - I couldn't find the article I was looking for. :( I thought it was this one, but I was wrong. Anyway, if I find it again (and remember) I'll post it here. (Disclaimer: The article I linked has a pro-child slant, for those of you who read it.)
I'm in the NO camp too. I like kids, enjoy being around them, kids love me....but I don't want to actually be responsible for one for longer then an hour. My boss and his wife have been together for 22 years, no kids...they travel the world, they're always jetting off to go do something and they're happy...we just relate with that more then we relate to being a parent and attending little league or throwing princess parties at the park.
I already have 2 kids (and I'm 23!!) but I understand that people don't always want kids. I never did. I never wanted to be married either, but here I am, already been married for 3.5 years. Weird how that works out. But I am all for at least waiting to have kids if you even want them. I think there is an insane pressure out there on just because you get married means you have to have kids, and I totally don't agree. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death, wouldn't get rid of them for the world, but I would love to act my age, and maybe have a little more freedom!
So hooray for those of you that are choosing another route. I honestly don't think it's out of the norm today, but its a personal choice, and not everyone is respectful of it. Hell, I have people asking me when we're gonna try for a girl! We have two boys, and I tell them never! My husband got a vasectomy in Jan and it was the best thing ever!!!
Whether to have kids or not is clearly a personal issue. As long as you have been upfront and honest with FI about the issue and he's in agreeance with you, then I'd say that you're fine. As you can see, there are LOTS of other women out there who feel the same way.
As a mother, I will say that my daughter is the best thing that I've ever done. Can I also say there have been times (and more to come) when I want to pull my hair out? That's just me being honest! I don't regret my decision to have a child, and hopefully, I'll have the chance to have one more after the wedding...eventually.
Either way, whichever side of the fence that you fall on, as long as you are open and honest about your feelings on the issue and SO knows and agrees then you're good.
It took at least talking to 6 doctors before I found one willing to do it. Awful. If an adult wants a legal medical procedure done, and has the money to pay for it, doctors IMO should not be allowed to say no.
Since meeting FI, I admit I have though "what if" but then I'll see kids running, screaming or whatever and think...wow I am so glad that will never be me.
No more! We already have a daughter together and he has 3 and I have 2. We are finished!
I'm open to having kids but just haven't felt the desire yet and I'm of an age where I would really need to have kids soon if I want them. I don't know - I think no one ever bothered to install my biological clock!
@Babilu & Bamboo, phew. I do want to have kids, but several years in the future. One of my best friends had a baby this year, though. She is the first of any of my friends to do so, and I have to say, I have also been feeling guilty about kind of wanting to get off the phone or whatever because all we can talk about is the baby. It's been kind of a one-sided friendship for awhile now--she barely knows or remembers what's going on with me, and all we talk about is baby stuff.
@Mrs. Spring-- That article was really interesting! I think it really hit the nail on the head about the whole having children in today's world. As a college student close to graduation and entering a professional career, I wonder about how children will affect my career, my salary, my performance, and ultimately, my standard of living. SO has said yes/maybe about wanting kids and I'm at yes/maybe as well. I'm sooo young to even think about kids, lol! I never wanted kids until I met him, seeing him around his nieces and nephew just made my heart melt! But I think that I'd like to be at least 25, but probably closer to 28 before I start having kids. And I think he's on the same timeline for the most part. He thinks of it more in terms of getting finances in order. He wants student loans paid off, cars paid off, house bought and somewhat paid for, ample savings, good health insurance, etc and a few years of marriage under our belts first. Which I agree with, and that article definitely pointed out, most people are waiting sooo long compared to the 1940s or even 1970s!
@oracle - exactly how its going with me and FH as we tell folks about the wedding etc. the first thing they ask is "oh when do yall plan on having kids" and the shock and horror on their face when im like - we dont. its either: Whats the point in getting married or you will change your mind (both of which are really freaking insulting).
while i like babies (adorable) i am not a fan of children in general- i prefer to stay away once they start talking until they start driving.... and yes we plan on having hairy babies.
I just wish people would respect th decision on being child-free instead of second guessing you or dismissing you. *sigh*
Really? "What's the point in getting married?" That's so insulting and just plain wrong-headed.
I used to work for a prof who was heavily involved in trying to stop the government from allowing same sex marriage. Her #1 reason was because she argued marriage was for children, and since same sex couples could not 'naturally' have children, they shouldn't get married....The funny thing was, she had been married several times and had no children herself. So bizarre.
I love kids, and we both want them, but I know lots of people on the 'probably never' side of the fence, and I think that's great. If you know you are not the parental type, or you know that you have goals which will take you away from being the kind of parent you want to be, then good for you for knowing yourself and knowing what's right for you as a couple.
Let me give you a little insight into how I was a decade ago. Make that a decade and a year ago.
I was at the time, married to my ex husband, but we were one of those couples who enjoyed travel, doing whatever we wanted, and you might have even seen me scowl at a couple who would bring a screaming baby to a nice restaurant. I remember saying "ugh..why would they bring their kid out to a nice place like this" more than one time.
Fast forward nine or ten months after that.
I became a mom and my heart changed 110 percent when I saw that little face and it was as if my heart was taken from my body and placed inside this little creature. Without warning, this formerly indulgent person became a mom and it baffled me. It really did. I no longer cared if kids screamed at restaurants. Instead of being angered by it, I'd say "what a poor baby. I hope they're ok." I also endured the poop, goo, and projectile baby food spit at me with joy.
You don't know how you'll be until you are a parent. And then you just may get to a point when they're older where you do decide you want to just enjoy time with your partner and have fun and travel and enjoy life differently.
But I'm one who thinks that I'll just enjoy it more with kids around me. I'm so excited to become a stepmom to T's two kids (his littlest is four) and enjoy her being so little and babying her and cannot wait. yesterday I saw a newborn at the store, and I felt that "urge" to have one wierdly again..but I'll hold off for a while. Who knows. I'm 40. Maybe I'll be blessed in a year or two or maybe we'll just enjoy the blessings of the children we have and not decide for another, but I am grateful for so much right now.
One of my bf's back home is married very happily and they have no kids. And they love kids. It's just not for them and might not ever be what they desire. But they're an incredible and loving couple regardless of their choices.
I had the Essure (non-incisional, permanent sterilization) procedure done when I was 26 and had no kids. It was absolutely the best decision ever. No surgery, no scars, no kids...ever.
On my second date with FI, I told him that kids were my one and only deal-breaker, and lucky for me he was fine with it. He always just assumed that all women wanted kids and that he would have them eventually, and he never really thought that it was a choice. But since we had that conversation, he's now firmly on the child-free wagon.
Before my procedure, dating was so hard because every guy thought he was the one to change my mind or that it was "just a phase". So frustrating...but definitely not a problem now :)
Gothybride- I'm glad you found someone who did the procedure. I'm sure if it were a man wanting a vasectomy and had not had children, he wouldn't have had to go through 2 doctors at the most.
I don't really have a desire to have kids myself either. My husband and I both feel the same way so it hasn't hurt our relationship but I could see how it would hurt other relationships if you aren't open about it before getting too involved.
No kids for us, either. Mr. P has never seen himself as a father, and I have never liked children. We both like the flexibility (and the quiet!) that our choice affords us. We're in our early 30s and looking forward to many years of rewarding work, travel, and time with family and pets. Now that we're married, we've started looking for a urologist to perform Mr. P's vasectomy.
I personally used to feel same way about kids. Not for me, or at least not for awhile. My husband and I weren't planning for kids, but things happen and I got pregnant. I do have to say that there's absolutely NOTHING fun about pregnancy. Not a single aspect. Never understood women who told me to "enjoy it". However, I must admit, after the little bundle arrives, it changes your perspective. Sounds cliche, but it's true. Your life is completely different, you get the feelings that you never thought would be there. Yes, it is hard. You loose your independence, your peace, your sleep. Sometimes I wonder if it's ever gonna be over. Probably never. But when you see that little sleepy face reaching to you with her arms, that's pretty darn touching. And when she's about to cry with her eyes full of tears and her little face upset, makes you want to just hold her and hug her and do everything you can to have her fall asleep peacefully in your arms. I tell you, that's pretty priceless. One thing I have to say is, if you don't think you're ready for kids, don't experiment. IT IS HARD! But if you think you do want to have them someday, don't wait too long. I think it's easier to have them when you're younger. I'm 27 and I wish my baby was older now. The sooner you have them, the sooner they grow up!
In any case it's a completely personal desicion. If two of your are on one page - that's what's important.
I had a really close friend in high school who had the same exact feelings you posted about in the original post at the top (sorry haven't read any replies, lol).
And while I haven't been friends with this girl for now 6 years or so - I can say (and i'm NOT saying anything about you as I obviously do not know you) - that it's a good thing this specific girl had decided (and I do know still has none) - but she decided at a very early age she NEVER EVER wants kids. In her specific situation, if she were to HAVE kids, I'd honestly be afraid for them mainly because her own mother, I've always thought, was bi-polar (not diagnosed but honestly probably was) - and if this girl was to turn out anything LIKE her mother, her kids would be doomed. I would be terrified for this woman to ever HAVE kids of her own and it really is a good thing for her to have decided never to have them. She knows she'd be a bad mother and everyone else knows it too.
So - that being said - I'm OBVIOUSLY NOT saying that you'd be a bad mother - but what i am saying is that there are reasons behind why every woman who decides NOT to want to have kids makes that decision. Those were her reasons - she's NOT maternal and I know she's afraid of turning into her OWN mom.
On another story - my great aunt Kay never had children - but she loved and spoiled rotten my dad and his brothers (her nephews)...her and her husband just made the decision never to have kids and it worked out perfectly fine for them - plus they were so rich they didn't know what to do! lol. Seriously - he was a VP for a company (and I swear he was in the mob, lol, but that's another story...hehe) and while he enjoyed spending money ON my aunt - buying her furs and clothes and whatnot - she was very frugal and when she passed away in 2001 she seriously had over a million dollars in inheritance money left to everyone. Again, she absolutely LOVED her nephews and his one niece - and spoiled them - but they had made the decision to not have kids and so they never did.
There's so many personal reasons why or why NOT to have kids - and you are the only one who can make that decision. If you do decide to adopt - that is probably one of the most selfless acts anyone can make and I wish you all the luck and love in the world. But if you decide not to raise a child, either your own or someone elses - don't ever feel guilty as it's YOUR decision on how you want to live YOUR life. You don't HAVE to have a kid just because it's what most people do once they get married...in fact (just my humble opinion) there's too many kids out there as it is...but again - if you do decide to then more power to ya and love and luck!
A good friend of mine got married a couple of years ago and doesn't plan on having any kids...EVER. Her husband is totally fine with that b/c he doesn't want any either. They love their lives the way they are and I think that's great.
Both my FI and I didn't think we wanted more kids (he has 2 boys 19 & 24, I have 1 girl 12)...then we met each other and we are both so excited about having kids together. We want 1 or 2 then he is getting the snip, snip. I can't take BC for health reasons and having my tubes tied is more invasive than a vasectomy so he is taking the plunge.
We didn't make the decision lightly though. The fact that his kids are grown and my daughter is not a little girl made the decision easy. We are both young enough to raise new babies, finish raising the ones we already have, and still have time to enjoy our golden years. Finances also played a role...being able to raise our kids and still maintain our current standard of living was alo important.
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