Post # 1
Just curious to know if any other bees out there really want to get married but have little to no desire to have kids. I’ve seriously thought it through and have very deeply not wanted kids for a long time. It’s not that I don’t like kids, I’ve just never felt very maternal or interested in having my own. I’m also the child of a single parent so there a while host of issues related to that that have informed my decision…. As much as I am around other people’s kids and I love them, I still don’t feel all squishy inside and yearn to have a child like most women my age (I’m 29 going on 30).
I’ve only now warmed up to the idea of adoption, particularly given that I would likely have trouble having my own anyway and I am so anti doctors, hospitals, etc that the thought of putting myself through the artificial insemination process is COMPLETELY horrifying. I guess I’m now in the “I really just don’t know” boat, but has anyone out there had trouble staying with their SO because of not wanting kids? Has anyone gotten engaged or married without fully resolving this or making a solid decision on the matter?
Post # 3
Jaxx, while I did have a child when I was younger, she is now 15, lives with her father, and hates me. FI and I are absolute on no kids (I’m now 35) and people are shocked by it. We enjoy our freedom and feel that we just don’t want to start over at this point.
FI does not have kids of his own, so I wanted to make sure he knew it was a deal breaker. I had an IUD put in, just to avoid any sticky situations. He is now, totally on board.
Post # 4
Yes, my husband and his ex-wife got married without talking about this and it’s one of the reasons they divorced. Same thing with a friend of ours. His wife never really made it clear and it drove them apart…well that and she’s was just a big ol’ biatch. 🙂
I would sit down with your FI and have a serious conversation about how you both feel about it. Kids or no kids, everybody MUST be on board with the decision because it’s hard either ways. I couldn’t be a good mother without the great father/husband we have in our lives.
ps~Children are bundles of joy…and poop, tears and snot. Children are not for everybody, but I will promise you that if you ever have one, you’ll be gooey and over the moon. It just happens.
Post # 5
My husband and I definitely want children (someday 😉 so this isn’t an issue for us. However, my FIL divorced his first wife because he wanted children and she didn’t. They were young when they got married (20 and 21), and they didn’t really discuss whether or not they would have children. After a few years of marriage, he was ready to start having kids, but she didn’t want to. According to my FIL, it was really painful because he felt more like she didn’t want to have kids with him than that she didn’t want to have kids at all.
Also, I read an article a while back that said if a woman decides not to have children, the couple will typically stay together, even if the man does want kids or is undecided. If the women wants kids, though, and the man doesn’t want to or is undecided, the couple usually breaks up. I thought that was pretty interesting…
Post # 6
That’s sounds like an interesting article Ms Spring. Do you still have a link or a copy of it that you could share?
Post # 7
I’d have to look it up, KateMW. I’ll get back to you. 🙂
Post # 8
Fully on board with the NO camp, and my FI is right there with me. Have never really been interested in kids, and while I enjoy my friends children, and perhaps my brother’s future kids, I’ve never felt the desire to reproduce….we have a puppy we spoil like crazy, and love to death, and whenever anyone asks us about kids I always say “oh no, no kids for us. Puppies, yes. Kids, no.”…seems to defuse the situation…[always have to get over the shock that someone who knows me halfway well is asking the question in the first place, because it’s pretty well known that I’ve never really wanted kids – but people [in my experience thus far] seem to assume that getting married = having babies.] My FI is 40, I’m 31, and we just enjoy our life too much. I’m an opera singer, and the amount of travel required for my job would basically make him a single parent, which is not good for anyone. We’re maybe a bit selfish, but we also like our disposable income! I never get that squishy feeling inside, or look at babies and think “awww, I want one” – quite the opposite…
There was an awesome article written in MacLeans Magazine here in Canada that deals with the issue of being deliberately childless, making a choice to do so, and I think it is fascinating. It stirs up so much emotion, but I think the choice to not have kids is just as valid as the choice to have them. Try the link below – not sure if it works or not, but it’s worth a read.
<span style=”color: #3b5998;”>http://www2.macleans.ca/2009/07/24/no-ki<span class=”word_break”>ds-no-grief/
I think we’ll make an awesome aunt/uncle, but we don’t want any of our own. We have discussed this from the moment we got serious, and further in depth with our marriage counsellor, and we are on completely the same page. I think that is essential. Its the ultimate personal decision…now I just have to convince FI that it may be time for him to take of the birth control issue, permanently, if you know what I mean instead of me having to take the pill indefinitely! I think that’s another post though…!
Post # 9
Many Bees have written posts about this very subject. Mrs. Green Tea comes to mind. Here are two of her posts on the topic:
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage
I know another Bee recently blogged about this but I can’t remember who. But you’re definitley not alone, Jaxx 🙂
Post # 10
Yea this is sort of an issue that we’ve talked a lot about. I’d personally be fine with not having any bio kids, but fiance would like to. I would however want to look into becoming a foster parent or maybe even adopting. Its not like I don’t want to be a mom or a mom-like figure, but I just don’t have this internal drive to be a bio. mommy. Maybe I’ll want to more when I get a bit older (I’m a youngin’), but now I am okay with either scenario.
I am however very excited to become an aunt! Yay!
Post # 11
No you aren’t alone! Mrs Gummi Bear doesn’t want kids either. I always liked her candid approach to the “not for us” camp b/c I coudl totally relate.
I don’t want kids now. I don’t even want them when we’re GOING to have them (next year). i just assume i’ll want them later. There is this nurturing side to me, believe it or not. But for me, it’s a “now or never” kind of thing so i’m just going to do it and trust that I’ll be elated when the day comes and I may surprise myself.
No, babies don’t get me mushy gushy. They scare me. They’re gross. I’m suddenly irritable at the screams and cries anywhere I go. But I baby my cats to nobody’s business. I handle them like babies and snuggle them and coo on them and everything. It’s just how I am.
But yeah. Babies? I make a face. My nieces and nephews are cute, but i go “omg, me too? really?” at the thought of them. Eek. Just make sure your SO is on board. choosing not to have kids is a difficult decision, one often laced with guilt and society’s impressions that you *shoudl* have kids.
I know lots of older couples who chose not to and are quite happy and content to dote on their friends/family’s kids, but never have their own =]
Post # 12
We are of the – if it’s right and we both decide to, we will – variety. I’ve never felt that having children was something that I *had* to do. Ditto with marriage – I always thought I’d get married if I found the right guy and, guess what, I did!
Post # 13
Thanks Bees! It’s nice to know that other pple are thinking about this too. I feel sooo totally faux pas when I’m around my femaie friends and I’m like “The thought of physically bearing and giving birth to a child makes me want to vommit.” I’m soooo not itching to “experience” pregnancy and childbrith, even though I love kids. My bf’s sister has an 8 month old and just found out his other sis is preggers so I feel like there will be enough kids in the family to take the pressure off 😉
Post # 14
Ugh. If I was a wild animal, I would probably be like one of those lions that eats their young. I do not like children. I do not even want kids at my wedding. I get annoyed when I am at other people’s homes and parties and there are screeching brats running around. The sound of their screechy little voices makes my skin crawl. *shudder*
I got my tubes tied when I was 25 and consider it the greatest thing I have ever done for myself. My FI was sooo excited when I told him that when we started dating. He’d previously dated people with kids and always left his exes within 3 months because they drove him insane. He was losing hope that he’d ever meet a childFREE woman at our ages (32 & 35) when we met.
We can’t wait to enjoy a life of peace and quiet and doing what we want, when we want.
Post # 15
I like other people’s kids (when they are not crying or screaming), so I have nothing against them, even though I am not the kind of woman who goes “aaaawwwwwww it’s a baby! look how cute….awwww..” nope, never. I have no interest in carrying them either.
My fiance is a bit older than I am and definitely wants a child (1 or 2 AT THE MOST) but has agreed to wait until I feel ready. I don’t think my maternal instincts have yet developed. So we’ll see.
All my friends are getting pregnant, and one just had her baby…I feel a bit ashamed for saying this but, now all they talk about is babies, babies, babies..and frankly, I’m starting to avoid get-togethers with them because I seriously cannot stand talking about babies 24/7.
Post # 16
I think sometimes it’s the myth of how women are suppose to feel that makes some women think they are not meant to have children. Really few women feel that ‘maternal instinct’ before having children and truthfully few feel it when the children are born. (mostly we feel fear)
On the other hand, developing a relationship with your own child is a wonderful experience for those who decide to do it. I had 6 so obviously it was right for me.
I don’t believe any one should be pushed to have children but I hate that the myth of motherhood makes some women feel like it’s not right for them when really they just are hearing alot of BS.