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My fiance and I decided right away that we would have no children at the wedding. I'm not a fan of cute flower girls crying down the aisle, or the screaming infant in the back of the ceremony whose mother won't leave because she wants to see the kiss. I'm not a mean person, I just want an adult day.
So I don't understand why people look at me like I have 3 heads when I say there will be no kids at the wedding! I'm not a parent yet, but I imagine that when I am, I will relish any time I get to spend dressed up with my husband and away from my kids for the evening. Why can't parents be separated from their babies for a few hours? It's not like kids enjoy weddings anyway. Fancy food and sitting quietly can't even compete with pizza and a baby sitter who lets you watch scary movies!
Does anyone feel the way I feel? Any parents who can offer some insight on why it's so insulting to not have little Tommy invited to my open bar affair?
I feel exactly the same way. My wedding is an evening formal affair and it's not a place for children. Period.
I totally agree. And luckily, all of our friends who have kids are more than happy to leave them at home for an evening.
I understand. I'm not a parent, but I think I can offer a bit of the reasoning.
Many people view weddings as family events that introduce children to how society works. Others really enjoy wee ones at weddings because they emphasize the notion of family. And some just need to have their kids with them because they can't find a baby sitter or worry constantly if they can't be with them.
The best thing to do would be to stand your ground on the no-kids policy, be clear about what you consider to be a kid, and have information ready regarding babysitters for anyone who wants it. Have you entertained the idea of hiring an on site babysitter if for example you're holding your wedding at a hotel?
I completely agree!!
We have haveing ONE guest under 21, our flower girl who is four. This was our compromise as I did not want any children as guests and the FI wanted at least some little girls to dance with (he was so cute about it I had to give in). We had actually asked another friend of ours if her twins could be flower girls #2 and #3 and she declined as she would prefer to have a fancy evening with just her and her husband.
We know that some of our guest may feel a little sad that their children are not invited, one uncle in particular, but we stand behind our decision. We were able to convince our parents as well and they have been great about spreading the word that guests with children should find a babysitter.
I agree with you, too. I am horrified at the thought of bawling, whining, sniveling children running around all day. I love kids, but not badly behaved ones. Thank god my family knows how to raise their little ones right and they are all well-behaved.
Totally agree. Our wedding is downtown on a Saturday night and not an appropriate venue for children. My FH's family doesn't really have a lot of adult only weddings so I expect to get a little pushback, but so far, I've heard more "Thank God! No kids!" than "Wait- I can't bring my kids!" Honestly, some people need to learn that it's ok and actually healthy to spend nights away from your kids once in a while!
Well, I'm actually totally open to kids, but our venue can't handle the amount that would come if we didn't have a no kids policy. We're doing a wedding party (i.e. flower girl, ring bearer) and nursing infants only. We'd have over 50 kids if we included them! Just fitting the adults is going to be tight! Just stand your ground... you may encounter some trying to bully you, but... you can't bend :-)
I agree. We said no small children. I'm sorry I do no want little kids running all around my ceremony or reception. Our son who will be 3 when we get married, will only be at the ceremony to walk me down the aisle and then off to my daycare he goes. No reception for him.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. Some ppl just can not control their children and they think that their misbehaivor is either cute or not that bad when in reality it's terrible. I do not bite my tongue and will tell someone when I feel their child is being rude, disrespectful and out right misbehaving. I will not allow that to disrupt our day that we have spent a lot of money to create.
Not a parent, but, since I'm getting married a bit later than the national average, my best friends are all parents. And, the thing is, especially with NEW parents, their kids hang the moon. First kids, in the eyes of their parents are insanely adorable & every "first" moment (first Christmas, first step, first tooth, first wedding) is a highlight moment. Some parents can't stop talking about their kids, some take pictures/movies of every little move or facial expression & then spend hours showing you every one. Some grandparents want to hoard every single second they can get with their new grandkids, & your wedding is an opportunity for that. And I'm not just talking about babies, 7 year old Tommy hasn't been to a wedding before and Grandma wants to see her little man in a suit, or "gettin' jiggy wit' it", or walking down the aisle. If the parents of these kids are important to you (for FI & I, these parents are the friends who have stuck by us for the last decade or the siblings who have been a part of our lives since we can remember), you show your love for them by respecting that healthy obsession with their kids - either invite kids or accept that they won't be coming to your wedding. Those parents will make a choice - you or their kids.
I have noticed, however, parents of more than one child or parents of teens to tweens have an easier time parting with their kids...probably because the shine has worn off or their kids' lives includes more than their parents (as it should by the time your 12) & so the parents have made more time for themselves. I'm betting that most of the complaints you're getting are NOT from parents of kids this age.
Whatever you decide, your wedding is what you make of it. If you're adamant about the "no kids" rule, stick with it & have the wedding you wanted (just sans some of the people you wanted).
Totally agree. We have made it abundantly clear that while kids can be around for the weekend (mountain destination in a family friendly town) that for the 6-7 hours or our wedding and reception we will help them find a sitter. So far, only one couple has opted to stay home because they can't bring their kids. Everyone else is bringing them and sharing sitters.
A few of our friends are leaving their kids behind for the whole weekend and have thanked us for planning a time for them to just be adults.
People are going to have their feelings about it. Let them. And then go and enjoy the hell out of your wedding!
We're doing kid-free as well. I told my mom that if my 16 year old cousin is the yongest one there, I will be happy!
Luckily, it will not be too hard for us. There are NO young children in my immediate family (like i said, 16 is the youngest). A few of my mom's friends (like 2) have young-sh children, but they're not the type to mind leaving them home for an evening.
Our second reception in Germany with my BFs family might be a BIT different, since everyone has kids. But even then most of them are teenagers vs. kids
My nightmare is that someone will show up with a child!!!
I think the appropriateness of children at a wedding hinges on the surrounding circumstances. A formal evening wedding with an open bar and a swinging band - definitely okay to request that kids be left at home.
I wanted to have all my neices and nephews at the wedding since there are so many in the family and I am particularly close to them. So we had three beautiful flower girls, a cute ringbearer and lots of other little kids besides. I took pains to make sure they were happy and entertained and it really made me happy to have them there.
But still, no one should look at you like you are a bridezilla for requesting that kids stay at home. It really is up to you, since it's your party.
I totally agree! My FI and I immediately said "no kids!" because wanting 1 day to be about us and having a good time with our family and friends shouldn't be tarnished by screaming kids and fingers in the cake. I've met resistance too though because in my family weddings are "family events." sigh.
@MissHelen: your second justification - about kids being a symbol of family (and, for some, therefore a glimpse into the future for the bride & groom) is the reason why FI &s I made our wedding kid-centric. Just a part of the circle of married life for some, so it was something we wanted to celebrate.
But I totally get why many of you bees want formal, adult affairs. Stick to your guns, sisters, & have the wedding YOU want. I just think you have to be okay with some people choosing to not come to the wedding & as long as you're cool with that, then it should all work out.
well... i think to each his own its your wedding and you need to do what is going to be better for you ... but being someone who is a parent, all of you non parents need to realize that sometimes it is not that we dont want to leave our kids we need and want a break more than anyone but unless, you just have alot of family, know someone sometimes it is extremely difficult or impossible to find a babysitter... and yeah while some of you might say there are baby sitters out there well as a parent it is extremely difficult to feel ok with leaving your child with someone you dont know and just like you guys dont want to be worrying about tending to a kid on a fri, saturday night... just about everyone else without kids doesnt either.
I am a person who doesnt have alot of family or friends... when we get invited to adults only functions we have to pass 95% of the time... NOT because we wouldnt love to go have an adult night away but sometimes it is just not possible..... so if i got invited to a no kids wedding the odds of me having to miss it would be pretty good....
the hardest part is when ou invite a family that has multiple kids and only one is below 18 and u have to tell them only the 18+ can come...makes you sound like a real jerk! but u gotta stand your ground.
We had a no-kids wedding, too, and for a few reasons. One being that if we invited all the kids among family and friends, we would have had a lot of kids there! Plus, there are a few in the group who are not well-behaved. Our flower girl and ring bearer were the only kids; I have been babysitting for them since pretty much since they were born, I am very close to them, and they are VERY well-behaved. Only one person was upset and didn't come because her son was not invited. If you don't want kids at your wedding, that's your right. I've been to and heard of weddings where kids caused a scene, and I think a lot of people have as well. Nobody looked at me like I had three heads when I said I didn't want kids at the wedding. LOL.
We are doing "no kids" as well (with the exception being nursing infants, although some have already arranged to have sitters stay with their baby upstairs at our hotel venue so they can run back and forth). We would have had over 40 extra "people" there if we had included everyone's children! I didn't feel it was at all appropriate for our evening, open bar wedding.
We did call the parents of guests who were going to be traveling from out of town well in advance to let them know about the "no kid" policy so that they could make appropriate arrangements. They were very appreciative that we let them know personally. However, we let "word of mouth" spread the news to our local guests who have children- most are family and have regular babysitters/nannies that they use, and they were not surprised that we were not inviting children.
(I am allowing my 2 year old niece to come-shhh! But she's my BABY, and I am the bride, so I feel I get to make one exception to my own rule!) :)
I've become a lot more relaxed about this as my wedding date gets closer. Unfortunately we didn't ever have a choice as 99% of the children are offspring of our siblings and all of our siblings aer in the wedding :) So we comprimised: They are comign to the ceremony but will be in a separate 'kids room' for the reception. I'm hoping everyone remembers this! But I"m taking myself out of it and letting my wedding coordinators do the kid-coralling and look like the bad guys on my wedding night :)
@FutureMrs.Harless - Thank you!!
I'm a parent as well and reading this was starting to bug me. I understand that people don't want kids at their wedding and I completely respect that. If an event said adults only I would never consider bringing my daughter.
BUT, finding a sitter, paying a sitter, trusting a sitter, these are all things that are very, very hard to do for your own child. And chances are that if I'm invited to a wedding, a lot of the people I usually rely on to babysit are too. We run in to the same issues with trying to do nice dinner for birthday celebrations and things like that.
Plus, there are probably 20+ kids (under 15) in my family, so I'm just used to having kids there. Most of ours are well behaved and it was actually very cute when my neice and nephew started dancing at my brother's wedding.
This is the great wedding debate which some people will not be respectful of and may ruin relationships. If you don't want kids, don't have kids at the wedding. I'm inclined to agree it's the bride's decision and don't see what the big deal is either, but that's me. Several of my family members still aren't talking to me over the kid thing.
@FutureMrsHarless I think it's nice that you brought up the other side. I completely understand parents not feeling comfortable leaving their child with a stranger- this is the main reason that I am allowing my niece at my wedding because my brother and SIL are from across the country and don't feel comfortable leaving her with a stranger.
However, I think all moms and dads should have a good babysitter or two in their aresenal! Not just for weddings but for the random Date Night that every couple should have! :)
@jgibso27...YW i think the way is was all put really bugged me as well... I agree though I completely respect anyones decision to do whatever they want at their wedding. But I know personally that if i said NO kids ... that would nix out most of my family as are his and I know alot of people would not be able to make it because in this day and age finding a trusting reliable babysitter is hard to come by.
I personally think that if you say NO KIDS it should mean NO KIDS.... without exception. I actually attended a couple of events where I was told NO kids were allowed then to see the party hosts 3 kids who were younger and much less well behaved than my child running wild through the party and Honestly it really upset me because it felt to me as if she was saying .... my kids are ok but I dont want yours here.
I just think you need to realize that maybe some people are shocked or dissapointed by the fact that they cant bring their kids because it will mean they have to miss the wedding.
The reason we're not having kids at our wedding is purely a financial decision. If we invite one kid, we have to invite a LOT of kids, and adding in that many tables, place settings, chairs and kids meals can get pricey. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a problem having a bunch of cute little kids running around at the wedding. I think it would be fun.
(Although, like I said above, our friends with kids are already looking forward to getting a kid-free night out)
However, I think that any couple has the right to include or exclude children from their wedding for whatever reason they like. They shouldn't be made to feel guilty for their decisions.
And I agree with Miss Root that all parents should have a good babysitter in their arsenal for the much-needed night out. Personally, the boy and I haven't decided for sure if we want to have kids, but if having kids means that I can't ever go to adults-only functions, then I probably would decide not to have them.
Thanks for all the support! It feels so good to have a place where women in similar circumstances remind you that you can do whatever you want since you're paying. I will be sad if some people can't make the wedding because of child care issues, but I would be more sad to have children at the wedding.
Miss Root - I agree that everyone must have a good sitter or two! It's healthy for parents to leave their young occasionally.
Parents- thanks for the info as well! I guess I just feel that if people really want to attend the wedding, they'll find a sitter. If the money/worry/separation anxiety isn't worth seeing me get married, I'm glad I'm not paying $100 for their dinner.
@AmberMcBride - I'm a parent, and I definitely would not take my daughter to an event she wasn't invited to. That being said, I think saying "If the money/worry/separation anxiety isn't worth seeing me get married, I'm glad I'm not paying $100 for their dinner" is a bit harsh. It's not that black-or-white, cut-and-dry of an issue. Most parents have a couple of reliable babysitters in their arsenal, and if the scheduling doesn't work out, they aren't likely to come. It's not because they don't want to see you get married - it's because they aren't going to leave their child (especially a young one) with someone they don't know at all in order to do so. Also, babysitting isn't cheap - at $12-15 per hour in my area, it can prevent parents who are trying to watch their $$ from going to a long event like a wedding.
Again - I think you are completely within your rights to have an adults-only reception - but also should recognize that it's not that simple of a choice for parents either.
I think it depends on the kids. I've been to a couple weddings where you didn't even know they were in church and some of the flowergirls/ringbearers are really cute. I orig. wanted to have 2 little cousins as flower girls (they're both 6/7 & total hams & one's been a FG before so not a prob.) But I'd rather have their parents come and have an awesome time than worry about the kids - plus, they'd be coming from Long Island so I just decided against it.
I don't care who's at church, a baby noises during my ceremony wouldn't bother me as long as it's not screaming. The youngest at our reception will prob. be my nephew & he'll be 16 by then.
Rude children, no matter where they are - weddings, church, grocery store… are not cool.
It's so nice to hear that people don't want kids at their wedding and seem to get what they want! 3 of my BM are sister-in-laws (2 will have a few month old baby girls by wedding time & 1 is our flower girl). I had stated in the beginning that I didn't want kids invited (to the dinner/reception) due to the amount that would already add to our list. Plus like others have stated- a night out is good for people! But of course my two sister-in-laws got pregnant this fall!
It seemed as though everyone accepted that until a month or so ago when my future MIL demanded the kids come from her side if people had to drive a long time. The battle began. It then turned into having one BM's MIL come to the dinner and then watch the baby... why should I be responsible for someone I've never met when you could easily grab a sub after the ceremony and hang out in the hotel room! And no baby rule means no crying baby in the room to ruin toasts/speeches.
Now the BM whose daughter is the flower girl (just short of 2) isn't sure what she's going to do after announcing our wedding "I'm going to PARTY!" Clearly watching your daughter is not on the agenda (keep in mind whenever the family is together I have to run after my future niece - not going to happen on my wedding day!)
My brother's wife, also a BM, completely respects the idea of a no-baby/no-kid zone. It seems as though my family respects my ideas and wishes while the FIL want it their way. Weddings sure can be the devil!
I've gotten a lot of flack for our no-kid wedding too. We will have people refuse to come because they can't bring their 4 year old etc. I wholeheartedly agree with you - leave them at home and enjoy an evening away with your spouse!
i've posted about this same thing twice now. in fact - his nephew - who has two kids under the age of 5 - AFTER we told him specifically no kids at the wedding - wrote "mr & mrs nephew AND kids" on the rsvp. talk about rude. my hubby is gonna have a talk with him when he comes for the tux fitting saturday (he's an usher)
PeytonL79 - I would rather not get a gift and have your presence. If your gift is paying $75 (babysitting @ $15/hr) for a nice night out of a NICE dinner, drinks, and dancing... and being a part of the happiest day of my life, I'd be thrilled that you took part. And I wouldn't mind spending the $100 on your meal, chairs, parts of centerpieces, etc. for you to have that wonderful evening... an evening which will also remind you and your husband of your own wedding, and young blissful love :-) After all, gifts aren't mandatory. And it's not cheap to have a guest come to your wedding either...
After all, what's the average price of a movie night for a family of 4? That, and kids LOVE babysitters, lol. Sometimes they are just as happy to see their parents go out :-)
I know I'll probably hit a snag. I know some people will be upset, but I really have no other choice! There's no way to fit the 50-75 children that would come inside our venue, period. I really would hope that my friends can understand that, and hopefully they think of that when they see how tight it is with just adults.
But again, I would LOVE to have the kids, and in some ways am bummed they can't come. Quite frankly, I'd be hurt if someone didn't come just because of the principle that their kids weren't invited.
I've read many of the threads about the "no kids" rule, and I'm totally fine with the idea! But I have to say that, as a bride who is having a number of kids at her wedding, the insinuation that kids will somehow ruin the evening is a bit upsetting. I totally respect your desire to have a certain "adults only" vibe at your wedding, but I've been a little hurt by a lot of the threads I've read on this subject--because "no kids" brides are making it sound like the presence of children will be disastrous. That they'll totally ruin the whole thing....this just hasn't been my experience, and almost all the weddings I've been to have included children. Perhaps I'm being too sensitive, because I do worry a lot about how my wedding will be perceived, but I don't think kids at my wedding will make it any less beautiful or elegant.
mrsmdphd - I've never seen a kid ruin a wedding and I've also never heard a baby cry during the ceremony. I'm a wedding photographer, so I go to a lot of weddings :-)
This is such a controversial topic - YIKES!
We are planning to have kids, my FI and I have a fair number of kids in our extended family and they all have to travel for our wedding so we feel it's only fair. I am however not including children of friends who live locally because it adds up much too quickly.
I can't believe how upset people get over this topic, my first choice would be no kids because even though lots of kids are well behaved, there are always those bad days, without a nap, getting a cold/flu etc. where you just can't predict their behaviour. Maybe it's selfish but I would prefer to have an uniterrupted ceremony and a huge party after which can be tough to control with kids around. Its not an option for us with so many kids in the family, but thats just life.
@ AmberMcBride: I agree with you. Both our wedding ceremony and reception will be an adult only affair, no flowergirls, no ring bearer. I love children too, but I do not want little sticky hands on my gown, or a fussy child or baby shreking just as we exchange our vows. When a sitter unavailable or is not an option, all parents have to make a decision and fact of the matter is sometimes you just can't go.
I see your side of this, and i have two kids. I totally agree its great when we get a night out, cause that never happens. The other side is maybe people dont' know that you don't want kids there (but i'm assuming they know this!!!) , but if they do they might have issues finding someone to watch the kids, of course if they got an invitation, then they had time to plan ahead! So as long as your not crazy and told them this 2 weeks before the wedding, there's nothing wrong with saying there's no kids !your wedding, your rules!
My wedding won't be entirely kid-free, but I'm pointedly not inviting a lot of children in my family. To keep the guest list under control, I'm only inviting my first cousins, but not my cousins' kids. So my older cousins might run into the situation described by danadelphia above --"hey, my kid wasn't allowed, but that kid was!" My youngest first cousins are 8, and I have second cousins from ages 19-newborn. I'm thinking about inviting the children of one of my first cousins because I'm closer to her than to some others, and her kids are young and it might be a hardship for her not to bring them. I don't know. It's harder when it's not an across the board rule, but usually there's some reason for it.
My mom and aunt have told me to expect that not inviting the kids will keep some people from attending, and they'll call and ask about it, but we're already over the hall's capacity, so it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't come!
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