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so we have decided NO kids at the wedding. we won't kick anyone out if they DO bring their kids - however we are making sure the word gets out that there should not be ANY kids at the wedding - this is just our decision.
thing is - I didn't realize how freakin' SENSITIVE people are to this! my husband almost got into an argument with his mom over this last night (his nephew, who is one of our ushers, has a 2 and 5yo) and we KNOW they'll just get cranky and tired soon and ruin their parent's good time - which is what we want is for the parents to have a night off and HAVE a good time...
same with DH's bro's wife - she has an 8 yo who we have told her she needs to get a babysitter for. she didn't seem to happy with that.
we're not backing down and making sure the word gets out - but wow. I seriously did NOT realize how sensitive this subject is!
what have you all had to deal with when it comes to this subject?
Yea, I just found out too, some of my family members are pouting about it as well. I had the same thought as you, I want my friends and family to have a great time and enjoy themselves and being a mother myself I know the little ones will get tired and cranky at some point. I am actually pretty mad because my RSVP's just started coming back and a 2nd cousin of mine added her 7 year olds name to it!! Are you kidding me??? who does that? I haven't said anything about it yet, still trying to figure out how to handle it, and I actually had put "adult" reception to follow...
If you put "adult" reception, and you don't want kids there, just tell her. It's your wedding and your call.
You shouldn't back down, it's your wedding and you have given them all advanced notice. We are putting "Adult reception only" on our invite, but some people have the nerve to ignore it. Like my brother's wedding 2 years ago- he did the same and people still braught their kids. One guest in particulair braught their 7-8 yr old and the kid didn't want a child's plate! So they asked for an adult plate for him! That was a $75 plate!
We have three young children coming (all out of state guests) and that's it. I'm hoping nobody is upset because we are allowing these three families to bring their toddlers, but I don't have any other choice. (These three guests are very, very close friends of ours) I think people will understand that they are out of towners.
If they were NOT out of state guests, there would be NO children allowed. I see no reason why the bride/groom should not get to decide if they want children or not! Sorry you have people getting huffy about it. I don't think you should feel badly about not allowing children. It's your wedding!!! Good luck.
That's great you girls aren't backing down, I need to get the nerve up to call or have my mom call, I know she will just say she doesn't have a sitter. It just bugs me that people actually ignore the invites! KIKI I can't believe someone would think their 8yr old should get a $75 plate!! Wow! lol
i wish i would have put "adult only reception" on the invites - but did not. :(
however we have told many people to spread the word (mainly we've told the ones WITH kids face to face) and it's like we slapped them or something. sorry but it's OUR wedding OUR decision.
I'm sorry how old are these kids? and they dont have sitters?? yet right...come on..
For out of state, you could hire a reception babysitter. We tried to offer this to our guests, but no one took the bait and are just leaving the kids at home or not coming at all (making me feel slightly guilty about the no kids policy).
You can always email them information about child-care in the area, or hire a few trusted friend's babysitters for those children--especially out of town children. They will be doing adult stuff all weekend and a night with their peers would be tons of fun. Truthfully, you are doing the parent a favor if there won't be children there to play with, the kids will be bored.
I kind of have mixed feelings about this. I'm not disagreeing that you should be able to do what you want at your wedding; YOU should definatly get to choose if you want kids or not. I guess I'm just sharing this so you can maybe see how other people look @ it who are getting upset. For me It's hard to understand why people WOULDN'T want them there. The kids are usually the one's that get people out on the dance floor. I love kids & so does FI. For every family and friend that we invite; they're kids are special to us. I don't feel like I should tell them they're family is invited to my wedding; but then tell them their children can't come. They're kids are part of their family now too. Weddings are about celebration. They're about Love and Family and coming together; not just about money. Kids are a big part of all our guests lives. So I guess If a guest wants a night out on their own to celebrate without their children; they will get a baby sitter on their own without me telling them to. People become protective of their children. So even though you're looking at it for logical reasons for the day; they are probably seeing it as snobbary & dislike to their children. Some people just don't feel compfortable being told they're children aren't welcome somewhere. It may not be right for people to feel this way; but they do. That's why soo many people DO get soo offended when this happens.
Please ladies; don't bombard me for this; I just wanted to give a different point of view. In the end it is definatly your choice & your day. So just don't let all the mixed feelings get to you. I don't think there is anyway around them...
@ JuneBride2010: That is completely and utterly RIDICULOUS. Personally, I do not feel that a wedding is the place for children. My nephew, (who will be 2 yrs old) will be the only child at our wedding & that is only because he is our ringbearer. After the ceremony, his other Grandparents will be picking him up to take him to their house so that my sister and her husband can relax and have fun at our reception. The younger the child is, the more unfair it is to expect them to be quiet and well mannered at an all day, all night, ADULT event. If you were a child, would you want to go to a wedding? Not likely. Which is why the kids grow antsy 2 hrs into the event and start freaking out!
I am completely baffled by all these stories of people ignoring the invites and bringing their kids. It is so RUDE. The day is not about your friends' children. It's about you and your husband. Unless they are paying for your wedding, they don't have a right to make amendments to your guest list. I don't think you should back down from this. It's your wedding, not theirs!
We are asking people not to bring their children too. Just kids from our families alone added another 20 people, and just like you said - forces their parents to "babysit" them all night. If people RSVP with children, I will politely ask them if it's possible to get a babysitter, we are trying to have an adult only reception..
We've put adults only on our webpage and let people know that we are having an 'adults only' event. I know to expect a few children because my family is hard headed. But I am the family babysitter. I love them all, but I so I can just imagine all the little ones standing on my silk dress with sticky fingers, screaming "I'm bored!"
Stand your ground my dear! This is your day!
My cousin had an adult-only reception so that everyone could drink alcohol freely, curse, and generally get down with their bad selves. One of her friends decided to bring her TWO kids anyway. BUT my cuz had a kickass plan! She had already warned her venue about the no children policy, and asked that they not allow the children in the venue AT ALL. The reason being that they were serving alcohol. So her friend (who KNEW she wasn't supposed to bring her kids anyway) tried to come in and got stopped at the door by the staff who told her that her children were not allowed into the area. She then asked if they could serve them food OUTSIDE the dining hall. To which the staff replied that they were sorry but that was not in the contract, and they could not accomodate her request.
Gotta hand it to Cuz Claire! Not only did she keep the kids away from the alcohol fueled riot going on inside, but she also kept her "friend" from getting two $40 kids plates added to her bill!
Maybe just talk to your venue about how they can accomodate your desire for no kids? If someone chooses to be disrespectful, they still may not be able to pile on the cost of the meals. Or you could instruct your caterer not to offer any food for the children.
You can do what you want, since it is your wedding.
BUT, coming from the other side, I would be frustrated. I like having my child with me, and it is a major pain finding a babysitter, especially since we only have family watch him. Plus, if we do go out, we can't have a carefree crazy night. At least one of us has to stay sober so we can take care of our child when we get home, and in the morning. You have to be sober and go home at a decent hour to relieve the babysitter too.
(just a side note: at our wedding, kids under 12 eat for 1/2 price and kids under 3 eat for free)
Honently the only one's usually bitching about this are the one's with little kids because they bitter that they stuck at home with them ( ps I have 4 of them ). If this couple had a date night I bet you money they would " find " a sitter and not complain. If they had tickets to the ballet they wouldnt think of bringing their 3 and 7 yr old. Why would they think of bringing young kids to a nighttime adult only reception when the invite clearly states it as such. I mean once you become a parent you give up some of life's guilty pleasures. So what if you miss spring break or a wedding here and there...life moves on. They will get over it...once their kids get older ...giggles...sorry I have a babysitter, evil I know ..
I disagree missplanner. I am not bitter because I am stuck at home with my child. I love being at home with him and I love going and doing things with him. When he is not around, I miss him a lot, and think about him constantly.
@MissPlanner Perfect point about giving up some of life's "Guilty pleasures" when you have a child. I agree in that once you have children life will be harder. I can imagine when I have children in the next few years, I'll get an adult wedding invite at some point. I'll try to find a babysitter-if not, I guess I don't go. That's life.
I really don't understand how people don't get this. When you have a wedding, YOU get to decide what you want. Some people like having children at their wedding, other's don't.
@MissPlanner---I don't have kids, but loved your response!
@MightySapphire---Your cousin, Claire, is my hero!!
I'm not sure why you would want to bring your kids to an adult function? If you are that upset about being away from your child(ren), then stay home. Call me rude, blunt, etc., but that is why we had "adult reception" on our invites. I had several cousins that elected to stay home b/c their children were not invited....... which I completely understood. This is *your* wedding and *you* make the rules.
@Rosie Girl.....I know I was being evil...I'm going to say I'm sorry before I'm flamed to Hell and back!!! I miss mine when they are gone too.
My point was that there is a time and a place for them. If they want their day to be kid-free it should be that way without parents giving them grief. If the parents choice to not come is their choice, right and decision.
RESPECT is KEY on both side.. Parents I think tend to forget that.
I have a bit of a different viewpoint on things as we are having a destination wedding in Italy (my family is from the US/ his are from UK) so we decided early on to make it as kid/family friendly as possible. Because we are doing kind of a country chic type of setting, I envisioned having friends and family together with their kids (ALL very young children...I think there are 7 or 8 under 3 years of age) and everyone getting to enjoy the beautiful Italian scenery, a glass of wine, kids running about. (We have rented out a private villa and all the grounds so seemed ideal.) On top of which, for the evening we are making preparations to get a creche (basically a European term for private nanny) so parents can have a break.
Seemed perfect. Parents get to bring their kids and my fiance and I get to spend time with the families all together. Everybody wins, right? Not quite.
After making every possible effort to accommodate and be inclusive, we have been hit by an endless barrage of complaints, concerns, "issues" etc. It is to the point I want to just say to these people perhaps they shouldn't come, as it is CLEAR it is all too much hassle. I bite my tongue as it is mostly my fiance's family having issues, but in return endure endless comments along the lines of "well, you just don't understand as you don't have kids." Fair point. NO I do not. However, i DO understand being an adult and being able to make parental decisions without burdening the bride and groom and making sure they know what an imposition it is to bring their children. (Again, this is OPTIONAL, we were just being inclusive to make it EASIER on the parents.)
Bottom line: Do exactly what you want on your day. You will not please everyone so at least please yourself. It's your day, it should be exactly that. Good luck to you!!
Amen, MissPlanner.
My sister, who is my MOH, obviously loves her son (as do I). But she is realistic enough to know that expecting him to last all those hours without freaking out is not likely. Regardless of whether or not you are a parent, there is a time and place for everything. Just because you love your child and can't bear to be without him/her for a few hours, doesn't mean other people feel that way, nor should they have to. Treat an adult wedding the way you would a fancy restaurant or the ballet- you wouldn't dream of taking your child there, so why would you think it's appropriate to drag your kid to an adult wedding?
It is extremely rude and disrespectful for people who ignore adult wedding invitations and take it upon themselves to blatantly disregard the bride & groom's wishes. IMO, you are not a "friend" if you do that. You put yourself and the couple in an awkward position. Kudos to 'Cousin Claire' for handling her rude friend in an intelligent manner. She put the focus on her "friend's" rude behavior - which is where it belonged- and didn't let it ruin her day. Guaranteed, that "friend" will think twice before disregarding the next couple's wishes.
Yeah some people seem to get pretty upset about this. I am not inviting children to my wedding. There are quite a few of them in both my and FI's families, the children's meals are not that much cheaper than the adult plates, plus we don't even know these kids.
MightySapphire - I love what your cousin did! It's so rude to disregard what someone put on an invitation. FI and I may have to do something similar because my mother has been ignoring our wishes and telling her friend that she may be able to sneak in her 6 year old son, whom I've never even met. She has even said to me, "oh we can just act surprised that he's there, then the other guests can't be mad at us." I have repeatedly told her that FI and I have chosen not to invite any children. I'm going to need to talk to my coordinator at my venue to make sure we get what we have politely asked for.
I don't know if this was suggested yet, but would you be able to have a babysitter available somewhere so people could bring the kids to quiet everyone down? Personally, I wouldn't want kids at my reception either because I've heard of horror stories of Little Timmy running over and sticking his hand in the front of the cake, knocking over stuff, etc and it just makes me nervous. Lucky for me I don't have anyone who would want to bring a kid so I'm lucking out here. I would stand strong that you don't want kids there and if the provided babysitter isn't an option then I'd just tell them to think of the wedding reception as a night out and consider it a date night and to get one anyway! Why do people do this about weddings? So weird. You'd think they'd want to have a night away.
wow! so many responses from both sides of the coin.
I can understand the idea of "kids are fun and get you out on the dance floor, etc" - HOWEVER we are of the mindset that this is an adults only reception due to the fact that both my husband and I like to drink and allll of our friends do as well. There is alcohol (free beer, cash bar) and this is our ground and this is where we are standing.
I know I honestly can't say - due to the fact that I DON'T have kids - but I just envision myself - if i DID have them - WANTING to go out for one night without them and HAVE an adult's night out. This is also the stance of some of our friends who are perfectly fine with the no kids policy and absolutely agree this is what they want to do - get a sitter so they can have a "date night" out.
It's really more DH's brother and nephew - who, btw, are IN the wedding (best man and usher) - and we don't want them to have to deal with their cranky kids all night long - we want them to come out and have a good time and celebrate with us.
Now again - I don't think we WOULD kick anyone out of they show up WITH their kids (although I give your cousin Claire kudos for doing so! lol) but we wouldn't do that - however we are trying to avoid that situation by getting the word out. It's a night time reception with drinking - really WHY would you want your children there?
Its definitely a tricky thing to maneuver around without at least a little bit of conflict. That's been our experience. Our parents are totally ok with the idea. But my Aunt told us she WILL be bringing her son, who is 8 and has behavioral problems. I was pissed! But she assured me that she'll medicate him so much that he won't leave the table... um, that's horrible! (she's also making me invite her 21 yr old son's girlfriend, I'm soooo pissed about that too. She has always just controlled everything and I want to throw stuff at her at the wedding. Whoa, sorry about that) We're hoping that my FMIL has spread to word to her side of the family because they're the ones that have a lot of children. I'm anticipating a lot of angry people anyway. I just refuse to deal with it unless its coming from my side.
I think people forget that invitations are just that--an invitation to your event. Not an invitation to re-write rules, not an invitaiton to ignore politeness, but an invitation to join you on a very happy day. Don't feel guilty if people decline. It isn't your fault, you invited them and for their own reasons they can't make it. Just tell them you will miss them and move on even if it involves their kids. They are the parents and they are making that decision.
I agree too--both sides of the argument are good points. I think it's a case by case basis. For you though, I think you are right to need to keep the kiddos at home. Are they offended you don't want kids there in general and don't want to pay for a babysitter or do you think they feel it's THEIR kids you just don't want there?
Oh, and I also don't agree that it's the "kids" who get everyone out on the dance floor- if anything, I've seen kids almost get trampled on the dance floor. (which again = more tears and chaos). We're depending on our DJ to get everyone out on the dance floor. After all, that is what we're paying him for. ;)
@JuneBride: you could always ask MightySapphire if you could borrow her Cousin Claire to work security! :)
(I apologize now for the rant that follows...but I'm dealing with this too and have had it with people)
Okay, this is seriously my one BIG wedding pet peeve. I JUST DO NOT GET THIS.
@JuneBride: stay strong, my friend. Just keep repeating "adult reception" and hope for the best, because people clearly don't see why it is rude to add people to their invitations, whether it's their child or their tag-along friend who happens to be staying at their place that weekend. IT'S THE SAME THING. Both kid and friend were not invited.
Why do people think that it is okay to drag their children everywhere, regardless of whether it is appropriate or not? I don't understand. I love kids. But they are not welcome at my starting at 8pm, cocktail wedding reception with no assigned seating and open bar. It is an adult party. There will be loud music, booze and dancing until we get kicked out of the place. Why would you want to bring your child to that? It's like taking a child to an R-rated movie because YOU'D like to see it and then complaining to the cinema manager that the movie had "adult situations, language and scenes that are so inappropriate for little Johnny". AGGGHHHH!
If you want to have kids at your wedding, fantastic. That's awesome. I just wish NOT having kids at a wedding wasn't such a combative topic. If it's great for someone to CHOOSE to have children there, shouldn't it be great for someone to CHOOSE to NOT have them there?
@ARWINBRIDE
keep venting! I absolutely 100% agree with everything you said. and sorta off topic - but ESPECIALLY the analogy you made about the movies!! but that would get me started on a whole 'nuther rant! lol
But yeah. I'm having an ADULT party. not a kid-friendly party. again - I know I can't absolutely say this - not actually HAVING any myself - but really - I could only imagine, once I have kids - that there will be times when I would do ANYTHING to go out and party and NOT have my kids with me.
And I agree with a lot of the comments on how just plain RUDE it is to invite other people that were NOT listed on the invite...now granted, I have put on a few "Mr. So&So + Guest" and I expect/know that these particular individuals will be bringing adult dates and NOT chillin's...but if I specifically invite "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith" and do NOT put their 8 year old son on the invite - I ONLY expect Mr. and Mrs. Smith - not timmy. :p
I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one fighting this battle. We're having an adults only reception as well (plated dinner, assigned seating, etc). Its just not a child friendly reception.
FI and I love kids, but we don't feel they are appropriate to have at a formal wedding reception. We hope our family and friends can understand. If they aren't able to come because of their little one, than I understand.
I also didn't realize how sensitive people would be about this issue. I didn't think it was such a big deal to hire a baby sitter.
I agree this topic is very sensitive, but I thought I would add my opinion on it. :) I am having an early reception because I want to have my entire family there including the kids. I am just throwing it out there could it be possible that sometimes people assume when you put Mr & Mrs on the invite you actually mean the entire family including the child. I guess I could misinterpret this in the past but now I know better because of WB. :)
I definitely agree its your day and if you want an adult only reception then you should have one and everyone should respect that. However, I had a friend when she got married get very angry with me because she did not put adult only reception on the invite and so when she asked me if I was going to attend I said sure me and my daughter will definitely be there. She informed me then that I would be able to come but my daughter couldnt. My daughter would have been 5 months at the time of her wedding! I am sorry even if she had a sitter I wouldnt have enjoyed myself because as a new mom you want to be there with your child. Plus I was coming from out of town and I definitely found her actions to be quite rude because she wouldnt have left her daughter with a stranger either. We didnt talk for about 4 months after her wedding because she was hurt that I did not attend. However like some mentioned as a parent sometimes I just cant attend some events if it doesnt work for both of us.
@JuneBride: Movies and plays can be the worst! We should start another thread. :D
The other thing that I want to add (after re-reading some of the posts) is that people seem to think that this decision is mostly about money. While in lots cases, yes, it probably is about the fact that adding 20 plates of food (kids meals or otherwise) will kill a couple's budget, in others it is not. In my case, we're talking about 10 kids or so. It's not about the money at all, as 10 kids won't throw our hors d'oeuvres off because we have to order in batches of 3 dozen. One good friend informed me that her daughter could eat off her plate and sit on her lap to save space and I was shocked...and had to say "it is really REALLY not about the money". It's actually, believe it or not, about the type of event my FI and I want to throw to celebrate our marriage. SHOCKING, I know.
Missplanner hits the nail on the head when she says it's about respect.
We are having no kids as well but have not received grief for it (not yet but invites arent out). It is common in our families though - the adults want to have fun! Not watch their children. It's an excuse to have a night without them. And I will feel the same way when I have kids I am sure of it.
I can't believe the nerve of some people who just end up bringing kids. You pay PER PERSON, need proper seating arrangements and all that - can't believe how rude people are about it
I find this topic interesting because there are people on both sides. In fact, my aunt assumed that I was having an adults only reception when were first telling her about the wedding (she has 4 granddaughters <5). Our wedding is a bit more casual (even though it is at a vineyard) and I wanted people to feel comfortable bringing their children. Our venue charges us $12/person for children rather than the $35 for everyone else.
To me the children vs no-children really depends on the style of wedding you are having and would like to have. More formal weddings make it really difficult to include children where more casual weddings are more accomodating to children. As stated aboved, the amount of alcohol that your wedding attendees plan to consume also makes a big difference.
We wanted a no-kids wedding, mostly because of how many kids that would entail, but at this point I kind of don't care and if they bring them then so be it. I'm not going to specifically invite any kids though, because I feel like most parents will want the night off.
my pomeranian is my baby, but i'm not offended when i can't bring him to dinner with me!
my wedding will be full of alcohol and music that is not appropriate for young ones. there will be no children with the exception of the flower girl (who is also out of town). anyone who has a problem with it can stay home. i am holding my ground fair and square even though i know that this means some "no's" returned in the RSVP. i'm over it!
I was glad both sets of parents wanted a No Kid reception so if family does happen to have an issue they can take it up with the parents! We would have had to add 30 to the guest list if we included kids and that is just too much, even at half off for under 12 it is iover $50 a kid - I don't think so!
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