Post # 1
I wasn’t sure whether to post this in “Etiquette” or “Parties”, but I think this is more of an etiquette issue. Also, I *really* don’t want to start a huge debate over what is right and what is wrong, I just need some perspective. Ok, here goes:
I’m only having one big shower, being thrown for me by a few of my mom’s girlfriends. I’m inviting all of the women in my life to this one shower, this includes family friends, aunts, grandmas, cousins, and my girlfriends. A few women have children that range from age 1 to age 8.
The shower is at a nice restaurant on a Saturday afternoon. Lunch will be served and there will be an open bar (not that we’re expecting anyone to get wasted or anything).
The other day I casually mentioned to FMIL that I didn’t want kids at the shower, and she basically told me I couldn’t dictate whether or not some one brought their kid. She said that when her daughter was little she always brought her along to showers. Let me also mention that we are not having children at the wedding, only our flower girls (sisters, ages 4 and 6) and my 4 year old brother. The mother of the flower girls lives out of state and will probably not attend the shower.
I like kids, but I just don’t think my wedding is the place for them.
I guess my question is can I dictate whether children come to the shower? Obviously I’m not designing or sending out the invitations, but could the hostesses put “adult only” (or something) on the invitation? Did you have children at your shower/are you planning on it?
Thanks (and sorry this turned into a novel!)
Post # 3
i think you can do whatever you want, it’s your shower. this might make it hard for some of the ladies to come though. we’re having kids at my shower, but we’re also having kids at our wedding so it’s a different story for us.
Post # 4
I honestly have never heard of bringing children to a shower, nor would I bring my own.
Go with your gut. It’s not your FMIL’s call.
Post # 5
I think especially since you’re not having kids at your wedding, it wouldn’t be a huge deal to have an “adults only” wedding shower. Plus, I don’t really see the fun in it for the kids anyways! It’s not like they’ll have anything to do really, especially because of the location..
Post # 6
i’ve been to some showers where there were kids running around. Most of them have been adult only….I personally would just not bring a child to something like this if it could be helped! How NOT fun for that kid….and cranky and everything? If someone wants to bring their kid, I’m sure they will anyways, but I think most probably wouldn’t bring them, surely?…
Post # 7
I really think if you dont want kids that should be fine, do any of the hostesses have children? It may be a little much to put adults only but you could just encourage that the invites say very specific names – omitting the children.
Post # 8
I am a big believer in that if they aren’t invited to the wedding, than they aren’t invited to the shower. So if you aren’t having kids at the wedding, than they shouldn’t be at the shower either.
Post # 9
Oh I knew I could count on you girls for some really great advice/support.
Lovespearls: The hostesses are all my mom’s age (50s) so their children are grown. Being specific on the invites is a great idea, I’ll mention that.
I don’t see how it would be all that fun for the kids either. Maybe for the 8 year old? But definitely not for the littlest kids. Plus, don’t moms usually look for any excuse to have some “girl time” away from their kids?
Post # 10
I think it would be fine of you to say that it is an adult only party. I would think that people would want to have at least some time away from their children to do girly things. Plus, I don’t see how the parents would have any fun if they have to take care of their kid all night and keep them entertained.
Post # 11
I had no kids at my baby shower. I am having kids at the wedding, but only because everyone in our families is coming, and if I didn’t invite kids then alot of people wouldn’t be able to come because their babysitters would be at the wedding. I definately do not want kids at my wedding shower though. My son won’t be there. I think showers are a chance for women to get away from their families and have some girl time. My FMIL was upset that I didn’t have kids at my baby shower, but she didn’t have it for me so I just took it with a grain of salt. I’m sure she will be upset for not having any kids at the wedding shower, but once again she isn’t having it for me. It’s your shower and your wedding, so I say do whatever you want.
Post # 12
I think most women would jump at the chance to leave their kids at home & usually I would suggest word of mouth to ensure its an adult only shower. HOWEVER, because FMIL is not on board I would suggest putting it on the invite. If you were to relay the message to others verbally they may ask her & she’d encourage them to bring their kids along!
You know what though… I’ve learned there is always a mom who brings her kids to functions regardless of the wishes of the hostess. We had a holiday party at work on Tuesday & one co-worker brought both her kids. I was at an appreciation dinner last weekend and another woman brought all 3 of her kids. Neither event was appropriate for 4 and 5 year olds & they were told it was adults only, but they brought them anyway. Sigh. What are you gonna do?
Post # 13
I have a lot of thoughts.
First, is this really just your FMIL? She always brought her daughter…. Idon’t know anyone who would agree with her. Also, you”can’t dictat if someone brings their kids”? Umm yes you can. It’s called an invitation. I think all of this gets settled based on who is listed on the invitation. And your shower throwers can not include the kids.
I agree that a shower isn’t fun for kids. heck, they’re often not fun for grown ups. Unless those kids are opening their own presents…. it’s kind of like they’re sitting there on Christmas day watching someone else get eveything under the tree. I mean a wedding I could see as fun, if they like to dance. But the shower? i brought my daughter to a shower. (She was the flower girl.) She did fine, and helped open present. But she did get her own presents from the bride and family. So she was content.
I can see how a ouple might have difficulty finding a sitter for a wedding. But a shower is different. The wife/mom is invited alone. So the dad/ husband can typically be free to stay with the kids. Easy.
Post # 14
Tanya, I always love when you respond to posts. Your ideas are always so well thought out.
Yep, FMIL is the only person I talked to about it. I’ve never been to a wedding shower so when she told me the kid thing I kind of went along with it because….well what do I know? But now that I’ve seen all of these responses I’m confident that “no kids” is totally fine. Oh, you have NO idea how much better I feel about all of this. Thank you all so so much!
Post # 15
You sure CAN dictate if children should or should not come – you’re the bride!
We DID have children at our shower. We had 30+ children under the age of 11, so we knew we wouldn’t be inviting all those little mouths to the wedding. But I love my little cousins, and it broke my heart to not have them there.
We compermised – little girls at the shower, but no children at the wedding. It turned out lovely – the little girls all had a tea party and loved it!
Post # 16
You absolutely can say that you don’t want kids at the shower, it’s YOUR shower!!
We had kids at ours, it was coed shower/cookout and I have 10 nieces/nephews! They helped me open gifts and I loved it but it’s not for everyone!