Post # 1
First off, happy new year everyone!
Just wanted a little advice from you bees, me and FI are having a late afternoon /evening wedding in a historical building. It will be quite a formal occasion that will probably end quite late.
For this reason we are considering not having children at the wedding since we think it wouldn’t be an appropriate situation for children.
This means that even children in my family (my cousin’s children and my own nephew) won’t be present.
Unfortunately FI’s sister (who will by then have a six month old baby) is pushing to have her child present.
I am not very happy about this (Fi’s family has not been at all supportive of our engagement, they barely said congratulations, especially his sister) and I don’t feel like it would be fair to my sister and cousins to make an exception. I don’t want to cause a rift with my family members.
What do you bees think?
P.s. it will be a destination wedding for most of our families and everyone seems happy with leaving the children with other family members or accepting our help in finding a babysitter.
Post # 3
I think if there is a reasonably means of childcare that it’s your choice entirely.
A six month old has no place at a wedding outside of the couple getting married feeling like their day wouldn’t be complete without the childs presence.. A small baby doesn’t understand what is happening. A small baby doesn’t feel slighted by being asked to not attend…
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I tend to think most people who insist on bringing their babies to weddings really just want the opportunity to show their new bundle of joy off to the rest of the family. I get it, you’ve just had a baby, and that’s a very exciting time, but this event isn’t about that. It’s someone elses special day.
Post # 4
@walnutgirl: We had no kids, not even for immediate family. My friends are awesome, they were booking babysitters the day they found out our date. 😉 I personally do not like children at weddings. It’s personal preference, but I just don’t like them there. In a perfect world, every parent would watch their kids to make sure they behave and don’t get into trouble. We don’t live in a perfect world. I know my opinion is probably a little biased, as I’m a wedding photographer, so I attend far more weddings than the average person. At every wedding with kids, they’re a distruption. The biggest problem is that weddings are BORING for kids. Seriously, the only thing they do is find the other kids and spend the night running around. The next biggest problem is that the parents get too involved in chatting and visiting with people and not watching their kids.
Post # 5
@walnutgirl: We aren’t allowing children at the wedding either. The child does not care and you have the right to invite who you want. I would tell her no means no and if that means she misses the wedding you’ll miss her. If she actually doesn’t come she is the one who will look foolish, not you.
Post # 7
@walnutgirl: This board is very much in favor of an all or nothing policy. Though this is not supported by any actual authority on the matter.
Etiquette experts say that it is the hosts discretion who to invite and that includes children. Just as you don’t have to invite everyone you knew in highschool, because you are inviting your life long best friend. Level of closeness is just as (if not more) valid then some arbitrary blood line, or friend group or age group. It’s not invite one senior citizen, invite them all, nor does this apply to children.
However, many brides tend to go with broad sweeping “rules” because it can be easier. Though I didn’t follow this, and I received no grief about it. But then again my group is quite up on being polite, and would never question why someone wasn’t invited to a party I was hosting.
In your case it sounds like you don’t want to invite the FSIL’s kid. If you don’t want to then don’t. If you do want to, it doesn’t mean you have to invite every kid you’ve ever known.
Post # 8
I think kids are integral and will hace docent animals during cocktail hour for their amusement. Do you know what I think about your wedding idea? It is still perfect. You will have a gorgeous wedding without kids and I think it is appropriate.
Post # 9
I’d offer to pay for the babysitter of the 6 month old. I wouldn’t change the rules, as you’re right, it’s not fair to others.
Post # 10
I actually think it is unfair to a six month old to be taken to a wedding. It’s not like it’s a brand new baby that just sleeps and eats. A six month old wants to be playing with toys in its own house not surrounded by a bunch of strangers and being shushed for five hours. I think it is wise to not have children at this type of event that you are planning on having, and if you do decide not to then make sure you hold strong with your FSIL and not make any exceptions.
Post # 11
I would discuss this with your fiance. I do think people will understand that only immediate family gets invites for kids, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT. I also strongly agree that many people bring kids to show them off, in effect treating YOUR wedding as a family reunion. It is FSIL choice to come to wedding or use a sitter or not.
Post # 12
@walnutgirl: You should make an exception for a 6 month old baby. At that age they are not mobile (usually not even crawling), so your reasons for not inviting children are negated. And baby is probably still being breast fed – current recommendation is to exclusively breast feed until 6 months if possible. This makes it hard (if not impossible) to leave baby with a sitter at all, let alone for a destination wedding. There is certainly no way I would have even considered attending a destination wedding without my children at 6 months. I can understand FSIL’s position.
It would be very unreasonable for any guest to be offended over this. Children and babies are very different.
That said, I think it is ok to also make exceptions for young children who are very close to you. like your nephew.
Post # 13
@KoalaWalla: +1 People get very upset when you take away their chance to show their kids off to family. I got some guff about our no-kids wedding but people had to deal
Post # 14
I do not agree with anyone being told they SHOULD invite babies. Many women who breast feed express milk and go to work. If guest doesnt want to, it is her choice (or she can stay home). Babies that age DO cry and MAY take away from the evening. If the host WANT to invite a baby, fine, but no one should feel they have to. Inviting babies also brings up the seating question. Can you guarantee that everyone at the table is comfortable with the kid? If I am at a formal dinner, I would not be happy with a kid at the table.
Post # 15
We are are going to be making exceptions for certain kids. For instance, my own brothers are only 10 and 8 (they’ll be 11 and 9) at the time of the wedding. There’s no way I can’t have my own brothers. Plas we have some friends kids who we are really close with so we want them to be part of our special day. But we have other friends that are on to their third kid; all under 5. That’s not something we want.
Most of my friends that I’ve already spoken to about this are happy to not bring their kids. and they have said they don’t want to bring them either; they want the night off.
Post # 16
@juanita.kelly.9: Not everyone can express milk (I couldn’t), and anyway for a destination wedding that’s a lot of expressing. A good parent will settle the baby or take him/her out of the room so crying isn’t much of an issue. I can’t work out why anyone would be uncomfortable with a baby sitting nearby, but anyway FSIL would probably be sat with her family and they’re unlikely to object.
Of course OP is within her rights to put her foot down and (possibly) pretty well force the guest to stay home, but this is the groom’s own sister we are talking about.