- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
So, im a bit miffed at my SO’s dad….(i used to refer to him as Future Father-In-Law, but uh not really right now….) long story short, when we first started dating my SO’s dad was leary of me (SO had just like 8 months before gotten out of a 5 year relationship during the last 2.5 years his ex was screwing, literally all of his friends but one, made a pass at his cousin, and slept with his room mate his freshman year of college while he was in class (shes classy) on the unit couch….) but after a couple months he warmed up to me and saw that i wasnt like his ex, i had a good head on my shoulders and was a good influence on SO (he quit, drinking smoking(i told him i would not make out with an ashtray so if he didnt want to have to put colonge on and brush his teeth after every one he should quit…and he did) his grades went from about to fail out to honor roll, he graduated with his degree a year earlier than planned…..) so me and my SOs dad had a really good relationship from about the 6 month mark until about the 5.5 year mark….when my SOs extended family started ramping up the pressure on when we were getting married since our six year anniversary is comming up in 4 months…and after his behaviour recently its really caused alot of things to really become obvious that i have never really been included in the family in his or his wifes eyes, or even most of his families…
what really started it, was SO’s grandma on his dads side and his grandpa on his moms side both started not doing well at about the same time…so the family started talking about going up to see them….well i was hurt but understood when they were going to go on a weekend that i had to work because since harvest is over im really the only one who has a set weekend schedule, since they have people that can cover them i cant exactly bow out of a weekend at work….so not a big deal at first, well, then the plan changed because SO said he wanted me to go (wich made me leary at first), so him and i were going to go on a different weekend, well his dad decided that wasnt going to work, and that my SO needed to go with them, i said it wasnt a problem, since i work nights as a nurse and i dont always have time off conviently and i wanted him to see his family….well the other day we are over at their house, because i got conned in to hanging up family pics with his mom (mind you i am not in a single one, nor have i been asked to be…ever in our almost 6 years together which i never really minded because i dont like having my picture taken)…and then i got wrangled into helping her arrange a bunch of other stuff in their house, and SO was working on their lawn….well that dad SO’s dad had gotten word that his mom was not doing well, so when he came home, he was acting all pissy (understandably soo, at first then it was more like it was because i was there and im not “family”, and he wanted to have a “family metting”), so instead he makes me feel really ackward by calling my SO and SO’s mom into another part of the house for “something private” so im left standing there holding his moms pictures, while they go talk, for AN HOUR as I set on the couch feeling like a complete outsider, as they talk about wanting to have a “FAMILY ONLY trip to see them”, and all the details about what is going on…..so finally i get frustrated and text SO about the hour mark saying “I feel like im introuding and i need to go home and wash scrubs for work tomorrow and check the cat, ill walk home see you there later”. well apparently this upsets them (not my intention i figured they wanted privacy so i was going to give it to them….when im putting my shoes back on and grabbing my house keys i hear them come back, and his dad basically yelling that “Kansas_Nurse IS NOT FAMILY SHE IS YOUR PARTNER NOT FAMILY, THIS IS FAMILY BUISNESS” I was so upset i just stood there like a dear in headlights as my SO tells me what the talk was about and that he wants to leave because he is mad at his dad….right after wich i get this huge lecture from his parents that i barely remember because i was trying not to bawl the whole time, about basically im a bad Girlfriend if i dont understand that he HAS to go with JUST FAMILY to a FAMILY ONLY deal in his dads hometown, and on and on and on, about how im just not family and i need to understand, and basically that until i have a ring on my finger and his last name, that basically i dont really count as anything….
So on the way home I bawled and bawled for a good 3 hours i didnt know it was like that….and SO apologized, called and yelled at his dad, told him what he said to me was uncalled for, and that he(his dad) needed to grow up and be respectful and start acting like the good christian he claims to be….after about 20 minutes of them arguing i gusse his dad told him to pass his apology on to me since i was still too shaken to speak and was sitting there crying….My SO has tried to soothe me a thousand times now, and im just upset and hurt and pissed….Im glad my SO stood up for me, but it is another dark reminder that i am still waiting, we have picked the ring, the diamond and the band, but now he just wants me to drop it for a few months until after my sisters wedding and then we will revisit purchasing the ring, i dont know if he gets it that the stone probably wont be there and possibly the setting too, and now this, its like a kick in the gut….I had had insecurities with his dad before but now i dont even want to go around them, he wont come over when im home now, (this happened yesterday, im typing this on my break at work)he was supposed to drop off a dvd but waited (on his day off till i left for work at 930pm…neither of his parents have directly tried to talk to me since….and now i just want to break down, i always told SO that i would never come between him and his family….and now i feel like i have, over something that wasnt even my idea, i had said i couldnt go on the trip with the whole “family” from minute one because my schedule for this month just wont work and i cant really trade with anyone to make it work….they have known this all along….
it just brought back many memories of his dad saying this in a not so blunt way that SO made me feel like i was exaggerating the tension about us not being married…like in our entire relationship, i have never been allowed to even be around for discussions about “family” things like relatives healths…at first it didnt bother me, but after about 3 years of my SOs dad calling them to another room individually to tell them things and telling his mom not to tell me things because im not “family, and everything is family only buisness” it just affarimed what my SO has been denying all these years and makes me feel like everytime SOs dad has told me he “loves me like a daughter”, and has referred to me as “his girl” “daughter” has all been lies for appearances around other people…..i dont know what hurts worse, the fact that when they moved i took a week off work to help them move and none of his “family” bothered to show up, i worked my ass off with a swollen knee, moving boxes, and lifting heavy things for a week straight, and dealt with unpacking because his mom is a majore slacker when it comes to unpacking….like do a box, then watch an hour long tv show that she has seen 12 times and has dvr’d….then do a box…i did most of the unpacking myself, and then had to go back to work and school hurting so bad i couldnt walk while (since my SO was unemployed and not in school at the time) stayed for 2 MONTHS to help them unpack their crap then came home for 3 weeks then was told he was offered a job where they were, accepted it and moved back out and i moved “our things” and arranged the move left my job and moved once school was over and i had a job….(wich was probably my biggest regret moving a second time for this man with out a ring)…all the times i was able to do something for them i was good enough….but now that i am really getting serious with SO about we either have to advance things and do this for real or im going to reconsider a job offer i got a state away that i didnt accept to be with him….now suddenly again im not “family”
it just hurts, i have been there to support them and him through everything, and now im like the elephant in the room, and its playing mind games with me, im not good enough to be family obviously becaue my so hasnt made me family….even his aunts and uncles dont give our relationship credit after ALMOST 6 YEARS! i just feel like i got kicked in the gut….
i used to be soo close with his family,,,and now it feels ackward like im not wanted, and im not taken seriously, because we cant be serious if he wont marry me after this long…..
idk what to do bees….im hurt, and emotionally exauhsted….and dont know what to think….i dont want to try and do stuff with them, because as was made very clear to me, there is no ring on my finger, i dont have their last name, therefore im not a permanent fixture in their minds….ive noticed in the last year ive started pulling back, because well if im not gonna be permanent why impose when i feel like im not wanted….i think this has caused a crisis in moral….even though i told him name a day and we would go to the justice of the peace sans rings and do this, he keeps pushing for a big wedding…
so ladies who have been waiting long term like me (ive been waiting 3 years openly and add about 1 year on there for secretly wanting it, so about 4 years out of almost 6 years together….) when did you start pulling back from their family? or did you? did they pull back after awhile??
sorry for the novel, just needed to let it out….idk if im really looking for advice, just support that other people with dick head inlaws have made it work and came out unscathed…..
I just hate that well youve been together basically 6 years and have lived together for almost five, your not family, you dont have his last name, so you arent valid… and the looks of sympathy from his extended family and mine everytime another sibling/cousin/family friend gets engaged and i sit there like an idiot and sit there by myself at his family functions while the do “family” pictures because im not “family” so i dont get to be in them….the kicker is his extended family always acts like im family except for things that are actually just family like pictures… family dinners and holidays im usually included on….im just feeling blue i guesse…maybe since i have tomorrow night off i should go get a bottle of wine and watch some horror movies tomorrow with my good friend ben and jerry, and maybe my good buddy jack daniels and his friend dr.pepper…