Kind of over FMIL and the "say one thing, do another" nonsense (RANT!!!)

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I wonder if your FMIL’s issue is that she doesn’t know how to relate to other women.  Does she have a lot of girlfriends?  Her actions (actually inactions) are very odd.

If it were me, personally, I would give up making an effort with someone who hasn’t made any effort back.  You’ve done your part and can’t be faulted for making an effort.  Relationships cannot flourish when only one person is putting in the effort.  I’m glad you have your own mother to help keep you sane during the countdown to the big day!

Post # 4
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Have you tried calling vs. emailing?  Not everyone in our parents generation is facile with email.  She may be perceiving your emails as very distant and impersonal forms of commumication, hence why she is responding verbally to the only party she is in contact with.

Post # 5
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

BurlapnLace:  Well that’s a good point.  Have you spoken to FI about it?  I would let him know that you’re not sure what to do about the DIY project.  You don’t want to put MIL out, but she hasn’t responded to you, etc. etc. etc.  Then see whether he’d be on the same page in terms of just ordering it from Etsy.

Has FI spoken with his mother to redirect her comments/responses to you, since they were your questions?  He has a role here too, since this is his family.

Regarding the issue of MIL feeling “left out”, as long as your FI is on board and is aware of what’s going on, he needs to know to run interference if any negative comment was ever made regarding your attempts to include her.  In other words, he needs to be able to stand up for you if she ever tries anything. 

How much of this have you guys discussed so far?

Post # 6
Member
5286 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I would make a point of calling her instead of emailing.

Post # 7
Member
3045 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would tell the FI what his mom needs to know – or copy him on all emails to his mom. Or do both and also make an effort to actually talk to your FMIL as well.

Post # 10
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

BurlapnLace:  His answer to everything is, “That’s how she is”.  Am I supposed to just accept that as an answer? <br /><br />I mean, you kind of have to. Your options are to alter how you communicate with her to give her the option of responding differently or accept that this is how she is and move on. My guess is that you’re not going to change her behavior, she has been acting this way her entire life, to the point that her own son says ” that’s how she is”. My suggestion is to accept that she is a poor communicator, let her be as involved as she wants to be and move on. You’ll find something else to freak out about, let her do the craft thing.

Post # 11
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

BurlapnLace:  LOL…I totally get how frustrating/infuriating “that’s just how he/she is” can be! Have you ever tried saying, yes, I know that’s just how she is, but this is how it’s making me feel…?  Would he respond differently?

To be honest, it’s pretty rude that you go through the effort to write out a long email, and she doesn’t even bother with a short reply to acknowledge that she even received it (even though it’s clear she read it!).  If you ever get to that place where she says she feels left out of the planning, then you can let her know that you were confused by her refusal to respond to your emails, and perceived that as a lack of interest in being a part of your planning. 

I mean really…at what point is it no longer your responsibility to chase her down to involve her in the wedding.

I feel for you!!

Post # 13
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

BurlapnLace:  Phone her. Ask her if she still wants to do the craft or if she wants you to order it from Etsy. Tell her you know that she has other things to deal with besides your wedding, so you need to know it’s done by (give a date) or you will order it from Etsy.

Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe she just doesn’t like email? I also agree with calling her. Or better yet, why not call and flat out ask her “what is the easiest way for us to talk about wedding stuff? Would you prefer email/phone calls/going for coffee/whatever?”

It’s kind of ironic that you want her to cater to your preferred communication/what’s convenient for you (email), but won’t acept the way she communicates as “just how she is”.

I get it’s frustrating, but sometimes you ned to try and meet people halfway. You said yourself she is very talkative on the phone…a lot of people our parent’s age just aren’t into email (even if they know/understand it). I always get one word responses from my mom, despite the fact she works on a computer all day.

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