Post # 1
I want to start this post saying that my FI’s family is not very open with their feelings or Mushy-gushy like mine. I like to think of it almost like a language barrier.
I want to preface this story by saying that at first my FI’s sister didn’t like me but that was because no one was good enough for her Bro. After my FI explicitly told her that I wasn’t going anywhere she apologized to me and our relationship has been better. We exchange plesentries on Facebook and she knows how much I love her Bro. We don’t braid each other’s hair or anything, but we don’t hate each other.
Now, we got engaged X-mas eve and I just find it weird how his family hasn’t asked to speak to me. Is that normal? His mother and I Google chat and there she expressed her joy at getting another daughter, but I have yet to hear from his Grandparents, who he is very close with and who actually like me!
Also, I sent his mom and grandparents a HUGE set of of stuff from Bath & Body Works for X-mas and no one said any thanks. I hate to be the one to ask *Goofy Voice* “Did ya Like what I sent ya?”. Eventually my FMIL said in chat that her mom and her were SO surprised to get something from us at all and that she loved it….So why not call?
It seems we can talk find through the internet fine, but people have a problem picking up the phone.
I know this is completely to be expected and if I were to speak to my FI he would tell me that is just how his family is. Everyone gets mad that you don’t call them but they have an allergic reaction to picking up the phone themselves.
Another thing, before I forget. My FI asked his sister to be his Best Man (or Best Gal, as I am calling it), and from what I understand she accepted….So why hasn’t she said anything to me. No congratulations or one word of anything to me. (BTW: I am totally in love with the idea of his sister being his Best Gal b/c my sister is being my MOH)
I know in the grand sceme of things it’s a mole-hill…not a mountain…
But, it just bummed me out.
Any words of wisdom?
Post # 3
I think this might just be one of those things to let go. His family hasn’t done anything malicious toward you, and your FMIL even “expressed her joy at getting another daughter.” A lot of people here have shared that they have negative relationships with their in-laws-to-be and would love to have a FMIL that would say something like that.
As the wedding train picks up more speed and the day gets closer, you may see others starting to get more excited. If not, just trust that they are excited for you and just don’t express it the same way as your family might. In the meantime, try to surround yourself with people who do express their excitement for you very openly to get your dose of support–from your sister, other family, or friends, maybe?
Post # 4
Also, FWIW: this is not very widely known nowadays, but according to traditional etiquette it’s incorrect to “congratulate” the bride-to-be. You’re supposed to say “best wishes” or “I wish you happiness/all the best,” etc., but the groom is supposed to be the one who gets congratulations. Silly, I know, but the grandparents might be operating according to that.
Post # 5
@KCKnd2: Learn something new everyday…
@anemonie: Thanks for your advice. I will keep my chin up.
Post # 6
@Sapphire-Dreamer: Yeah, isn’t it random? The rationale is that the man gets congratulated because he’s lucky that the woman agreed to marry him! (It assumes, of course, that the man asked and the woman accepted.) The woman gets “best wishes/I wish you much happiness” that she made the right decision.
Post # 7
@anemonie I agree.
It seems like they have congradulated you in their own way. I wouldn’t let it get to you if you can help it.
Post # 8
I agree, just let it go.
I had a similar situation with my in-laws. They were watching our dog since we were out of town & that is when we got engaged. My husband called them to let them know, so before we went back to pick the dog up, they knew we were engaged. Well I expected the normal response from his mom “happy for yall, can’t wait, let me see the ring!” Well nope that didn’t happen. We walk in and are in the house for a good hour and eventually my husband says “mom, I can’t believe you havn’t asked to see the ring!?!” and her response is “well, it wasn’t offered.” As if I was supposed to enter her house and say “errr would you like to see my ring?” awkward!
So although it was an awkward and annoying situation, it is actually really funny now when I think back about it! 🙂
Post # 9
I have a similar situation sapph.. i just accept the way they are. It is difficult sometimes but I just go back to my family for the loving 🙂
Post # 10
I think your expectations of congratulations are just a teeeensy bit high. I have a fantastic relationship with my FILs and I don’t think they ever said the words “Congratulations on your engagement!” to me, but they have commented that they are excited, as your have.
Post # 11
@AnnieAAA: “HI EVERYBODY? Wanna see my ring????”
Yeah, I am trying so hard not to be that girl….
Post # 12
@AnnieAAA: Something similar happened with my own mother! It just occurred to me, I think a lot of these awkward/slightly hurt feelings happens because engagements don’t HAPPEN very often, so I think a lot of people don’t exactly know what the social niceties are. I’m just letting them run off my back haha
Post # 13
Awww I’m you’re sad, Saph! If there’s anything I’ve learned in that last 4 years, it’s that blending 2 families is tough! It sounds to me like you guys haven’t really set how you would like to communicate. Maybe they only talk to you online because that’s the only precedent? I know that my FMIL and I usually communicate through FI. I’m actually more likely to tell FI “call your mother and ask her…” than to pick up the phone myself. It’s just kinda the way things are. That said, if she were to call just to say hi, I would probably do the same further down the line. Don’t worry too much, Saph, you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to work this out, lol!
Post # 14
I also think you have misplaced expectations. They aren’t against the engagement so what more can you really want? I’ve never said congrats to anyone- family or not- when they got engaged. Just not something I would think to do.
Post # 15
Not congratulating the bride is very old school. However I do agree some acknowledgement would be nice. Some families just aren’t that way. My FIs family is very much that way. They could care less to ask how wedding planning is going, they love fi and of course will be there on our wedding day. And I get along well with everyone in his family. But they just aren’t lovey mushy people like my family. At least his mother expressed joy for you joining the family. That counts for something.
Post # 16
@SoobySays & @Seashells7: Thanks Gals, To all of you.
Real thing. I was totally fine about it until my mother asked pressed the WTH button when I told her that that they hadn’t said anything to me. I told my mom to pretty much get in line because that is how they communicate. She acted like it was the strangest thing she had ever heard of her even after she’s known for 5 years that FI’s family isn’t close. Since then it had been egging me. I was a bit put out that his sis never said to me at all.
In reality, I know I should be greatful. His family didn’t even show up for his own SISTER’s wedding. SO and I were the only ones from her side that showed up. He gave her away, I recorded. I am kind of scared (not really SCARED) how this will happen when everyone from his side is in the same room. I guess I will just do my best to control my own family. I have a fear that my mother will take his family’s reserved nature as unacceptance. We are a brash clan, us Sapphires…Brash and outgoing extroverts. They are introverts.
We have a long engagement a head of us. I guess things will change when we start planning in earnest. I have at least 7-8 months before I have to start co-ordinating with his sister in reguards to what she will wear as Best Gal