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Ok, I've got my soothing fountain on, my lavender scent going and am doing my very best to go to my "zen" place. Breathe in, breathe out.
Ugh. Forget it, it's time to RANT.
To all of you well-meaning posters that like to drop in waiting threads and shake your fingers at those of us feeling anxious and frustrated, telling us to just stop feeling the way we do: KNOCK IT OFF. You are making me f'n CRAZY!
Seriously, nothing pisses off an anxiously waiting bee more than a happily married or engaged bee buzzing around with a dismissive "oh stop being so silly, what will BEE will BEE, ha ha!" post.
Waiting is not fun, it sucks. If there was a way to make it through this process without feeling the anxiety and frustration, don't you think we would do that? If it was just a matter of telling ourselves "of course it'll happen, I just need to relax and let it unfold!" and having all of that anxiety and frustration magically dissapear, don't you think we would have done that already? Do you think we choose to feel this way?
Apparently some of you think turning off feelings can be accomplished quite simply. This leads me to believe there is a magic wand floating around out there that some of you bees have access to. I urge you to tell me the location of said wand so I can use it to make my own wait easier. Once I obtain this elusive wand I will wave it around and *poof!*, stop feeling impatient, anxious and frustrated. It's really that easy, right? I mean, that's how simple you make it out to be.
So to you bees who like to visit waiting rants and tell the OP not to feel the way they do: please leave the location of the magic feelings wand at the end of each post. Us waiting bees sure could use it. If you don't know where we can find this magic wand, please keep your dismissive "you shouldn't feel that way" responses to yourselves. You're not helping anyone.
AMEN SISTER!!!!!
Absolutely, please let us know the location of the "magic feelings wands".
Seriously, we're all women here, right? You should all know that even if it's easier not to/doesn't make sense/is extremely painful, we have our feelings and accepting that we should feel the way we do is the first step to dealing with it.
*whew*! That was a relief to get out :-)
Thank you Lezlers
I'm sorry you feel beaten down by the posts of some bees on the waiting board. The waiting board has come under attack a few times throughout my time here at the 'Bee which is really unfortunate. I know waiting is hard, my own wait was hard. I think most people are just trying to ease some of the anxiety of the waiting bees, not trying to demean them.
I know where the magic wand is but because you are not being nice, I shall not tell you where it is. Have fun in your lavender scented bath. Oh, and chill!! *I love when folks tell me to chill*
I can understand where you're coming from but I have to say that your tone is pretty off-putting.
Like MissAsB said, I think that most people are just trying to help.
Ever heard the expression that you shouldn't pee where you eat?
I am sorry that you're having a hard time waiting, but as others have said, I think these replies come from a genuine place of trying to help. It DOES make the wait easier if you try to focus on something else. I don't remember seeing replies that say you should "magically" turn off your feelings. Regardless, most bees try to help, and complaining about that to the same people who have offered that advice is in really poor taste. Note, I am not saying you shouldn't be frustrated with that advice if you disagree with it, I just am astonished that you would basically yell at the people who try to help.
:) I'm glad someone said something!
Waiting sucks and memories are kind. Looking back at waiting, I know I was silly. But I also know that I am madly in love with my fiance and I didn't want to wait another second to be his fiancee and soon, his wife! I hated hated hated hatedddd when married/engaged women said "oh, it'll come in time.."
Hang in there.. :)
I can understand why you feel that way. The last thing a woman months deep in "waiting" wants to hear is "oh, it will happen when the time is right!!!" or something like that. You probably feel like the time was right about 6 months ago.
Or, sometimes you see comments like "I never understood what the deal is with girls who are waiting. FI and I just dated happily for 4-5-6 years and then he surprised me with a ring. I didn't have to push him" (something to that general effect). OK.... great?!
I've been engaged over a year, but I still remember how much it sucked waiting and I still wish (a little bit) that he didn't drag it out as long as he did. Even though we are fine now and he hasn't balked a bit at any of the wedding plans.
I understand your sentiment...your title was a little...harsh?...for weddingbee, but I get it.
It's always frustrating when someone threadjacks your emotional/vent thread with a reply like "I have no idea why you feel that way and I have no advice for how you should deal with it so basically I'm not helpful at all." Not just on the waiting boards, but on all boards.
If I post I'm looking for helpful advice, not someone replying who not only can't relate but dismisses what I'm feeling too. Boo on them.
I get that this is a vent...but what exactly do you want people to say? Do you want them just to commiserate or do you want them to offer suggestions? A lot of the bees have been where you are now and are sharing what worked for them...or at least made the wait a little more bearable.
Amen, JamaicaBride! There's a lot of advice I feel like I could give, because half my time here on the Bee was as a waiting gal; but at this point, seeing the reactions to previously given advice, I think I would be wasting my breath, because it wouldn't be received well.
@lezlers: I'm sorry you're unhappy, and that someone said something that upset you. If you'd ever like to know how I, personally, made it through my time of waiting without going crazy or driving my FI crazy, I'd love to dialogue. Until then, I'll stay off the waiting board!
*Starting a slow clap that builds up to a thunderous applause*
Thank you, thank you thank you!
Pretty flowers- you hit the nail on the head with this:
Or, sometimes you see comments like "I never understood what the deal is with girls who are waiting. FI and I just dated happily for 4-5-6 years and then he surprised me with a ring. I didn't have to push him" (something to that general effect). OK.... great?!
Exactly. No one just ups and gets engaged without discussing it, well at least level headed people don't. Everyone needs to go read I think it was MissOctopus' blog entry about getting her guy to propose and ALLLLLLLLL of the responses after. Maybe that is where the advice comes from. The advice giver sees how crazed they were and how it wasn't cool, so they don't want other women to make the mistake? That's about all I can gather.
But everything can be said with tact, not in a condesending manner.
@lezlers: I know exactly which post you are talking about and just wanted to say that i had the exact same reaction when I read it. I'm glad some people just had a perfect dating relationship and then the moment the thought it was right, they got a proposal. congratulatios. good for you. but when a poster is venting about how frustrated she is with waiting, that perfect little brady bunch story will only make her feel worse.
I understand all the Bees who are engaged are so happy and may not immediatly relate to our feelings....it's in the past and I suspect most Bee's waiting period actually WAS difficult.
but there is still a difference between
Hepful: "this is how I got through it" VERY HELPFUL by the way, "I understand" etc.
And
Unhelpful: something along the lines of "don't be so _______(however we're feeling)"
It's a rant, you guys, it's not meant to be sunshine and roses.
I'm not talking about posters who give helpful advice on how to shift your focus or put things into perspective. That is helpful. I'm describing a situation where one poster asks for advice in dealing with her negative feelings towards waiting because she wants to feel differently so she can relax and enjoy her relationship. Then someone will post a response simply telling her that she shouldn't feel the way she is and she should just relax and enjoy her relationship. You see how that's not helpful?
The OP already knows she should relax so she can enjoy her relationship. The last thing she needs to hear is that she needs to do that. She knows, hence the inquiry.
As for what I want to get out of this thread: it's meant for girls like DreamingBee and MsMamabear, who, based on their responses, are likely feeling the same way and might appreciate knowing they're not alone.
I'm not just talking about my own posts. I've seen these types of responses in almost every ranty thread about waiting. This rant wasn't in response to an isolated incident, it's the accumulation of months' worth of frustration. I'm sorry if I offended anyone out there, it wasn't my intent.
@lezlers: I wasn't offended but thank you for clarifying. I will agree that some responses to certain threads can be condescending and I have seen this primarily with the waiting board and when younger brides start threads. I can see how it would be frustrating.
Lezlers, I totally understand what you mean (and, thank you for the nice response the other day!).
As I was going through new teacher orientation, we were told that part of being a good teacher is knowing how to say things. We were told that, for report cards, use the "oreo method" (say something nice, give constructive criticism, and then end positively). It's all about how you say it. I know that I need to hear that I need to be patient, but if a person is already feeling bad about something (even if it's irrational, feelings are feelings), why kick them when they're down?
I'm going to stop before I go cliche-crazy. While it is great that things happen quickly for some, or that some are able to relax more easily than others, when giving advice, make sure you're phrasing it in a helpful way!
What irks me are the snide remarks I see from time to time that indicate that people who "aren't even engaged yet" shouldn't be on this site or shouldn't be concerned with wedding-related things...
@Regina Phalange- I completely agree! Apparently, to some, you're only allowed to think wedding if you have a ring. BTW, I love your screenname!
I totally agree (and I agreed on your other post as well!!) It's easy to judge if you don't/didn't feel the same way, but it's not helpful.
I found WB as a waiting Bee and I remember waiting being really hard and not liking the "just wait and be happy posts" either!
But I disagree with the comment that you don't like when posters post to relax and enjoy this part of your relationship. Because that is honestly how I dealt with waiting and it worked for me. I focused on the here and now and really just enjoyed spending time with him.
I don't often post on waiting threads because I feel like no one wants to hear my advice, but it really did work for me!
wow well frankly it looks like its turning into engaged and married bees against waiting bees. So far i havent really come across any negative remarks from either side UNTIL THIS thread.
I do understand that you want the freedom to vent about waiting but your tone is awful and i feel you're taking your waiting frustration out on the wrong people. PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS and when you post on an internet site you must be ready to accept that some will not agree with u. bees can sympathise with you or not, its not mandatory that every bee agree with every word you type.
I can honestly say that my year of waiting (we had dated for about a year and a half and then I started wanting to be engaged BADLY but didn't get the ring for another 1.5 years) was probably the worst time in my life. Probably had something to do with my school work as well, but looking back at it, all I feel is yucky. I'm not trying to make you feel worse - I just wanted you to know that if I had known about a place like this, where I could come and vent about my feelings with others who were waiting, it would have been AMAZING. My mom would have loved the break, too I'm sure.:)
I totally understand your vent, and I just wanted to say that I would probably feel similarly in your shoes. I hope you find mostly positive support here at WB, OR if you just pop in to occasionally say that WAITING SUCKS, I will give you a huge AMEN.
Waiting sucks. End of story. Nothing really ever made me feel better about except for saying it outloud (or typing it that is :)
<3
wow well frankly it looks like its turning into engaged and married bees against waiting bees. So far i havent really come across any negative remarks from either side UNTIL THIS thread.
I do understand that you want the freedom to vent about waiting but your tone is awful and i feel you're taking your waiting frustration out on the wrong people. PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS and when you post on an internet site you must be ready to accept that some will not agree with u. bees can sympathise with you or not, its not mandatory that every bee agree with every word you type
Geez, defensive much? I'm not trying to get anyone to "agree" with me, I don't even have a position to agree with. I'm not arguing for feeling frustrated and anxious, who would do that? I clarified my position and explained my intent in a previous post.
And this wasn't meant to create some kind of "us" vs. "them" bridal showdown or anything, that's a pretty dramatic accusation. There are plenty of engaged and married bees who, being empathetic, give very helpful and welcome advice.
I have no idea what post(s) you're referring to specifically but i agree with pp that it seems like there are cycles where the waiting board comes under some attack. And it has always annoyed me when people are all "oh it was love at first sight! and he shocked me with a proposal at 18 months! oh and by the way i eat cheeseburgers for lunch every day and chicken fingers for dinner and i just canNOT put on enough weight to fill out my size 4 jeans." (maybe that last bit was my own issues...).
Anyways, I empathize. I was on the waiting board for a few months before I got engaged and it bugged the crap out of me when people acted like I shouldn't think about the proposal. I think most girls go through some sense of "waiting." It sucks. not much to be done about that (except to maybe reassure everyone that once "it" happens the waiting period seems like it just flew by..).
@Regina Phalange: Agreed! That is the worst, like its an exclusive club you need a ring to get into.
@prettyflowers: Thank you! I think it is great that most of the bees are supportive and understanding because they realize what waiting bees are going through. Its those few who don't get it because they are fabulously engaged and ....not in the real world?
@Future Mrs. Martin: hearing that we shouldn't feel the way we feel is the issue, I think. Yes, there are times I really do enjoy my relationship. And personally, for me those come after venting/writing in journal/otherwise acknowledging my feelings. I guess I need to work through it to find my peace. It doesn't just happen becuase I want it to happen...takes work. Of course I want to enjoy my relationship, we all do! The thing is, how? What worked for you? Simply wishing you felt that way?
@CorgiTales: "And it has always annoyed me when people are all "oh it was love at first sight! and he shocked me with a proposal at 18 months! oh and by the way i eat cheeseburgers for lunch every day and chicken fingers for dinner and i just canNOT put on enough weight to fill out my size 4 jeans." (maybe that last bit was my own issues...)"
NO, this is not just your issue! I appreciate you sharing your feelings on that. An acquaintace (BF's friend's girlfriend) just got proposed to. I told her I was so happy, how's the planning going for the move, etc. etc., gushing, and sucking it up so she wouldn't know I was jealous. Then, in a later text, I asked "were you surprised?" and she said something like "YES, OMG" (and then presumably went off to eat her daily quota of cheesburgers while maintaining a size 2). When I saw that I threw up a little in my mouth. I knew she was lying too, becuase my BF had asked her awhile ago, something to the affect of if she'd move back to this state, etc, and he said according to her it was "clear she knew it was coming". So really?!?!? Who is she trying to kid? *vent*
Sorry if I'm threadjacking but it seemed related....aka once she's engaged it's all "OMG I never saw it coming!" instead of whatever the actual truth may be.
I think that with the waiting board you need to just relax and enjoy the ride. i am engaged and am waiting but once it comes that day is going to be over in a blink of an eye. I want to enjoy this time and enjoy the wating......
I've seen the posts about girls who dont understand waiting and all that too. Honestly, kind of find it unbelieveable. Every single girl I know who is in a serious relationship is, to some degree, waiting. And if someone says yes to the proposal, obviously the thought has crossed their mind. Maybe they didnt go as wedding crazy as me and spend free time googling different venues and centerpieces but...at least when it finally happened I had an idea of what places to tour :)
Waiting sucks. Watching your friends who started dating their boyfriends after you get engaged and married BEFORE you sucks.
You may not have control over your feelings, but you can control how you express them and what you do with them. Which is why Wedding Bee and the Waiting Board is so helpful. Kudos to any WB who is able to keep their rants to the board (I was not. Poor FI.)
I stumbled across this post before I stumbled across the one that I think everyone is referring to. I was a little confused but I feel I have a better grasp on the situation now.
I am personally happy to see Bees I know from posts graduate off these boards. I think that's what we all hope for in the end. I see no problem with engaged or married bees commenting on waiting boards and sharing what has or hasn't worked for them.
What upset me on that post (and I think is the essence of what lezlers is trying to say) is that it is never okay, on the boards or in real life, to tell someone that they way they feel isn't valid. It may not be what you feel but they certainly shouldn't be chastised for it.
Say something nice and supportive or don't say anything at all, ladies.
I appreciate your honesty... It's nice to hear from someone who isn't sugar coating and calculating every word. I think those posts are coming from a well-meaning place, but I remember how frustrating waiting was. I sympathize completely.
@cheeseburger: @MissTatas: @sweetpea1031, and all other Bees on this thread who sympathize with how waiting SUCKED for them...THANK YOU for your honesty :-)
I said what I wanted to say and was going to ignore this thread, but I stumbled on what I think is the thread in question, where another bride says that she doesn't understand waiting and that she thinks you should sit back and relax. This is what lezlers has built this rant around -- unconstructive criticism -- but she took it out of context and failed to mention that this bride then went on to give advice! She went on to say that if waiting is so hard, the bee could always propose to her FI, which I think is actually a really good idea.
If this original post had been what @Scribbles: said, I would be completely understanding. Waiting sucks. A lot of us have been there. Some of us didn't, and I think it's unfair to those girls to mock their relationships or insinuate that they are lying because they say they weren't waiting -- some people aren't as preoccupied with weddings as we are and don't stumble into brideworld until they are engaged. And I know women in long term relationships who are not interested in marriage, so please don't assume that every girl is waiting just because she is in a relationship.
tl;dr: Waiting is crappy IF you are waiting (and don't assume people are, should be, or did), and I agree with Scribbles and others who say that their feelings should be respected.
Waiting sucks. My waiting sucked. I went about it with tons of mistakes as far as communication and "internal deadlines" went. We have now been engaged for almost two years, and it was only about three months ago that I finally got over the pain that waiting caused me. I was rather sad to read in a recent thread how the whole concept of waiting was ridiculous to some others. There were posts written in rather condescending tones. I hear the rant, I even partially agree with it.
Here is some advice that I wish someone had given me: Communicate openly about your needs and wants regarding marriage, your relationship, and heck, everything else. Don't expect your boyfriend to magically know you are waiting.
Proposing yourself may suit some relationships (an increasing number, it seems). If that works for you and your relationship, yay! Go for it! I did, it worked great for me! I wish I had done it sooner.
Don't let waiting turn into bitterness. (I am not quite sure how to implement this one, honestly.) Bitterness can lead to relationship sabotaging moves later on. If you are feeling resentment, talk to your guy/gal about it, and give him/her a chance to help you through it.
Good luck!
While I can understanding many Waiting Bees' sentiments, regarding the fact that waiting sucks, I think that those individuals must also understand that everyone is different and for some people... waiting was not an issue, it really does depend on your personality a lot. Perhaps when some Engaged Bees give their advice, they are not trying to be condescending, but are instead genuinely sharing their experiences in a hope that it may provide a glimmer of advice or at least an alternative perspective. You will probably find equally as many Enagaged Bees who hated waiting as those who did not mind at all.
I am likely to be one of those women that Waiting Bees hate, because of the manner in which my relationship progessed (or perhaps more specifically the timeframe), but that is what worked for us and so that is how it went. We dated for just over a year, during this time we discussed the fact that we were committed to each other, we wanted to live together, that we wanted to get married, and that it would happen when it made the most sense and when we were ready... and just before the year and a half mark he proposed, which I can honestly say was unexpected. It was not unexpected in the sense that I had no idea he wanted to propose to me, clearly I knew we loved each other and that we would get engaged sooner rather than later, but leading up to the actual proposal I had no inkling that it was coming. We had discussed the fact that he needed to ask my father first, so I knew he had thought about proposing to me, I just didn't know when.
I say, do what works for you. And if your current situation doesn't work for you (ie, you are completely sick of waiting), you need to discuss this with your other half.
I was ready to get engaged before the boy was, and there was some drama and some disappointment during the time that I was ready and he wasn't. So I can definitely understand the feelings that all of the waiting bees have, even though I never felt the need to find online support about it.
I'm sorry that the waiting board has come under attack, and I hope that what I'm about to say isn't construed as one. But, I think that my issue with the waiting board is that it's all about WAITING. That word implies remaining in expectation of something. It implies passivity. It implies lack of control. And that makes me sad that in this day and age, women are still just waiting for men to propose.
I'm not trying to knock anyone. That was more of a statement on society than on any individual bees here. Society makes it really hard for women who are ready to get engaged. If we sit back and do nothing but drop hints, we're being passive-aggressive. If we are direct, then we're pressuring. It's a really hard spot to be in.
But my advice, and I hope that it's not taken as condescending, is to TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIENDS. Be direct, but not pushy. Find out his intentions, and his timeline, and tell him yours. Take an active role in getting engaged, not a passive one. Don't drop hints - be honest. And if he's still not ready, at least you'll know where he stands, and then you can decide what to do from there (i.e. leave him if it's a dealbreaker, give him some more time, even propose to him, whatever).
And also, it's important to remember that while society still expects women to be passive, society also places a very stressful role on the men. Men are supposed to spend thousands of dollars on a piece of jewelry, and set up this super-romantic scenario to pop the question. It's expensive and kind of scary. So, it's not just the women who are in a difficult spot, the men are too.
Wow, this went on for way longer than I'd expected. Oops. Stepping off of my soapbox now.
Thanks for all the replies, ladies! I didn't build this rant around any one particular post, like I said earlier, it's an accumulation of months' worth of frustration. However, that one post people are referring to was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Ironically, the type of post I'm talking about in general is a post like the one below, which was made in this very thread!
I think that with the waiting board you need to just relax and enjoy the ride. i am engaged and am waiting but once it comes that day is going to be over in a blink of an eye. I want to enjoy this time and enjoy the wating......
Oy. Talk about missing the point of the thread. Yes, we know we should "relax and enjoy the ride." I don't think you'll find a bee on here that doesn't agree with that sentiment. Posts like this one that are made in response to pleas for advice on how to do that very thing are what make me crazy. I know the intention behind it is good. I'm sure this post wasn't malicious or passive agressive or anything like that, I honestly don't. However, it's not helpful and I would hope the poster would be able to see this response and think "oh yeah, I guess that wasn't too helpful, maybe in the future I'll actually give some tangible advice on how to do that, maybe post about what specifically I'm doing that helps me."
THAT is the point of this rant. I hope it's proved cathartic for those of you feeling the same way.
I get that people come to this board with different points of view, and different (not necessarily malicious) intentions.
But I saw a post that basically said: "You're being silly." That is being completely dismissive of someone's feelings and I don't think can be considered constructive at all.
Believe me, there are plenty of times on other boards where a bride to be is ranting about something that I frankly don't think is important. But what I don't do is post and say: "Well, I just think you're being silly about the whole thing." Because that's hurtful, and it doesn't add to the conversation.
If you have a differing opinion I think that's fine, but it needs to be presented in a way that still respects the OP and their feelings.
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