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Hi bees,
I could use some humor in my life. This thread will be the collection site for any and all stupid jokes that you can muster. Please? I could use the pick me up.
Here, I'll even start us off:
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gagged, of course.
(think about it for a second... My husband got me a locket with "Cinderella" engraved on it so I would always have something to laugh at)
I still haven't found anyone that loves this joke as much as me but here it goes..
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
.. because it was dead.
Why did the deer cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
Q.Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
A.They're making headlines!
@EmilyJean: hahaha this is the dumbest joke I have ever seen.
In the greatest sense possible.
This will make its way to my guy's ears for sure!
BWAHAHAHAAAA!!! SO FUNNY!
This reminds me of a joke my little sister made up when she was 4.
Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?
Because it got rabies and died!
I do this one with my students to make them groan hahaha
Who was the roundest knight at Kind Arthurs table?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sir Cumference.
Gross, but I died laughing when I heard it.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his butt.
Ok, My turn...
Man get's a knock on his door, he opens it and see's a snail so he picks it up and throws it as far as he can.
3 months later man get's another knock on his door.
He opens is and the snail say's "What's up with that?"
@mrsbruff2b: Oh the math nerd in me can't stop giggling!
Why is it when you look for something it's always in the last place you would look?
... Because once you find it, you stop looking :)
Knock knock!
(Who's there?)
You know...
(You know who?)
AVADA KEDAVRA! MUAHAHAHA!
*pushes up nerd glasses*
A pirate walks into a bar. The barman says to the pirate, "there's a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants, mate."
The pirate says, "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idear?
Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
A: Still no idear?
Q: What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no penis?
A: Still no fucking idear?
Bahahaha.
-Who does a pharoah talk to when he's sad? *His mummy.
-Did you hear about the fire at the circus? *It was in tents
-What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? *Roberto
-What did one shark say to the other while eating a clown fish? *This tastes funny
-Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? *Because of his coffin.
And lastly...
-Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? *Because it's pointless!
Oh my. haha
What do you call a dog with no legs?
-Doesn't matter, he isn't coming anyway!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
-Right where you left it!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
-Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-Ground Beef
What do you call a cow witha twitch?
-Beef Jerky
These are always told by one friend, and always in series. And we still laugh!
Hahahaha I love these. I have the sense of humor of a six year old.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
WaaaassssssssaaaaaaB?
Which will win the race, hot or cold?
Hot! Anyone can catch a cold!
Another gross one that my dad used to tell all the time but I love it!
How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is sitting on your front porch?
Mat.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is floating in the ocean?
Bob.
@KatyElle: I love that one! I think I heard it on Nickelodeon when my son was little.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub, I'm drowning.
Two muffins are baking in the oven, one of them looks at the other and says:Man it's hot in here.
And the other responds: Baaahh a TALKING MUFFIN!
I found this, and it is too funny not to post. haha
"WHY'D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Seriously LOLing at these!
Why did Snoop Dog need an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle !
@kaylee26: hahaha I know!!! I wanted to just post that one, but it wouldn't have made sense, so I posted the whole thing. lol
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turned to the other and asked: "Does this taste funny to you?"
What do you call a midget fortune teller who's escaped from prison?
-A small medium at large.
@JulesSchnooks: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
-Russel.
@itshouldsnow: I cannot stop laughing.
@EmilyJean: You can stop your search with my laughing face.
Time for mine:
Why is the river very rich？
Cus it has two banks!
@MsPanda: There was about a 2 second pause between my reading that joke and laughing, but I laughed pretty hard! Good one!! Haha.
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